College Freshman is Drinking Alcohol!

College - posted on 07/03/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi! We just dropped off our 17 year old 1,700 miles away at a great college. We have spyware on his phone that we own and discovered just 1 week in he's drinking at frat parties and being recruited to rush a frat. There is talk of beer pong, getting drunk, fake IDs etc etc. He is a very good kid and this has crushed our hearts with him making these kind of choices when we thought he had a higher set of morals than this. Drinking is illegal in his state for his age so he could be arrested, kicked out of school or worse like severely sick or alcohol poisoning.

The problem is we've used this spyware for 2 or 3 years now and have caught him in other activities in the past but not drinking or drugs. Has anyone ever gone through this before? This college is expensive and we will not tolerate this but don't want to give away our ability to know what's going on by disclosing how we know. We were thinking of tipping off the campus or local police anonymously about the illegal activities at a time he's not there so the word gets out that they are raiding bars and frats. Maybe that will scare him. Please help as we need to act but not sure how without blowing our cover.

Thanks to all!

9 Comments

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Ruby - posted on 07/11/2015

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Building a repore with the law to deter fear and encourage an alliance in restoring a more capable solution for these activities is our civil duty as parents. What we do not know is what hurts us. An open discussion with the youth is highly commendable to redirect any further destructive Ideas. Perhaps a group lunch with friends may soften any anxiety and reduce the pressure of isolation regarding the topic, since it is a social activity. The idea would be to redirect actions and impliment a more positive bonding activity. No intend to knock spying but it is not a solution. We tend to rely on tech to much, communicating, staying in touch and social interaction is seemingly healthy and effective.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/08/2015

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I agree with Michelle dove and Sarah say. You isn't have trusted your parenting much. Time to fess up to spying on him, and explain your concern. Remember just because it's been offered to him doesn't mean he participated fully either...

Lise - posted on 07/08/2015

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First of all let me say that I'm so sorry for your disappointment. Having a bright and very intellegent daughter who struggled over the years I deeply understand your heartache and feelings of powerlessness. What I have learned through my own journey as a mom in these areas is that the more as parents we sneak around, invade privacy, and let fear overtake us, the more damage we do to the relationship. It sounds like your son is very smart and also young to be in college at 17. I expect he's also impressionable and spreading his wings a bit. But more than what he is doing, the spying will be very damaging. I think honesty and openness is always the best. Perhaps he's not ready for this yet and could use a year between HS and college. In addition, if you are paying for his schooling you still have the power here. If you're not able to just let go and trust him to filter through, then maybe he and you are not ready for this step. He is going to face things, the key is that he not forget why he's there and what a privilege it is. If it were me, I'd have a good long SKYPE appointment, tell him you're aware, apologize for the spyware stuff and that you'll be taking it off, but then assume your place as parents, set some strong boundaries and consequences and move on... Remember, things have a way of getting back to us as parents even when we don't snoop. But let him know, what he has is a great gift and not to minimize the investment you're making in him. Reassure him of your love and that you really want to trust him. Expect him to make wrong choices every now and again, but love him through them and use them as teaching ops.

Nicole - posted on 07/06/2015

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Everyone has definitely responded nicer than I would...I have a 13 year old so have not approached this yet, but I know from my own experiences and watching my younger sibling and younger cousins go through college that this is everywhere!! I can't believe this parent would consider contacting the police and perhaps truly jeopardizing her child's future (depending on career choice). Perhaps a serious chat with your child and then just showing a little bit of trust in your own parenting and the decisions your son makes. He will probably have a wild phase and then grow right out of it as most of us do. My advice, some deep calming breaths...

Michelle - posted on 07/04/2015

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It took me a while to know what to actually write. I wasn't going to be nice to start off with Dove :D

Dove - posted on 07/04/2015

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I am so glad you guys responded. You said what I wanted to say last night... only much nicer. ;)

Sarah - posted on 07/04/2015

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Agrees with Michelle. There is also a point at which you have to let go and let him make his choices and consequences of those choices. That is how all of us got to where we are today. Part of growing up and maturing is learning and making our own choices.

Michelle - posted on 07/04/2015

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For starters, having spyware on his phone without telling him is a huge breach of his privacy and in no way says that you trust the young man you have raised to make the correct choices. If you didn't want him to move out of home then you should have insisted that he go to a college at home.

Secondly, did you honestly think that those things didn't go on at college? If you really though that then you need to get your head out of the sand and look around. Yes it may be illegal but it happens everywhere.

I think you need to tell your son that you didn't trust him to behave himself so you installed spyware on his phone and you know what he's been getting up to.

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