Confused about my marriage.

Esmeralda - posted on 03/11/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I know this is very long. But I really don't know what to do anymore.

I am 21 married now for 9 months. I am a stay home mom.

My relationship with my husband hasn't been a walk in the park since we moved into my parents house. When we got married I began to sleep over his house every night and go back home in the morning. But after our baby was born I insisted that we live together. My father insisted on buying us an apartment as a way of taking care of me. We were looking for an apartment to move into since we got married but never found the right one. Then when our baby was born I ended up staying in my parents home. He stayed there with me for 2 weeks. Then when he had to go back to work he said he was going back home to his mothers house. He didn't want to live in my parents house. One night I had a break down, you can say it was something like the baby blues for various reasons. I was afraid he would cheat, since he did while we were going out. I found out a month before I found out we were expecting. Anyway that night he promised he would live here with me so I can have some peace. We continued to look for a place but after a month my father said if we would like to live here rent free until he makes us a 2nd floor to live in. I was ecstatic. I love my parents and I am extremely attached to my mother I was so happy to be so close to them. Especially since I didn't think I would get married so young and have to leave home so soon. Anyway my husband and I spoke about it and we agreed to stay here.
Him and I have had a pretty bad relationship we fight all the time and argue. Divorce always comes into question because of how bad our relationship gets. It mostly comes from me because I have become miserable and I cry a lot and everything we go thru really hurts me. About 2 weeks ago we finally had a great time spending time together with no fights and being the best we can be to each other. But it didn't last. Then I brought up divorce again because on his day off we started out great. We were happy having a great time. I went to my old job to pick something up. While we were waiting in the car, for the person I needed to see him and I got into the discussion of money and how he never gives me any money and he says we don't have money to spend because we are broke. However I said that if we are broke he shouldn't go out with his friends to eat every week. He should limit it to once a month. I also mentioned how he should take lunch from home or buy things like cold cuts and cereal to keep at work so he doesn't spend any money on lunch. He came back with I will do with my money as is we fit. And continued to say that he wishes my father didn't continue taking care of me. BY THE WAY: my father gives me some money here and there not often. Maybe like $100 a month every month and a half or more. And so my husband continued to say. He should stop giving you money so you can see what it's like to not have money, to be broke then you will truly understand what it is to not have money.
On a quick note: Now I am not saying
I come from a wealthy family but my father does really well financially. And since about the age of 9 my father has given me a certain life that I am used to. And I am used to shopping for things I like and being able to buy things when I want. I also had 3 jobs at once and made a lot of money and have I've had a job since I was 16. I've made my own money and covered for all my EXTRA expenses. shoes, clothes, food etc. at this time my father would still give me money but not much but I was still shopping and paying for everything I wanted. I didn't deny myself anything I could afford. So that is the life I am used to.
Anyways back to what my husband said I responded with. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to have the father I have and him to provide me with everything he has been able to give me over the years. And he should be happy for me that I am not missing anything and that my daughter will also benefit because I can buy her anything she wants since he doesn't give me money at least my father does and I have money to spend. Ex. A week before this we went to my daughters gymboree classes and she wanted gymbo he refused to pay for it because we don't have money for "wants" we only have money for "needs". Keep in mind we have barely spent money the past 2 months. So that upset me. I continued to tell him that it isn't fair that he doesn't give me money and while he can shop for clothing and anything he wants whenever he sees fit I can't. It isn't right. I can't get a job cause I'm taking care of our daughter. After that he upset me and I didn't want to ruin our day so I got out of the car and went into my job. When I came back I was speaking to him like nothing because I didn't want to ruin our day. He easily frets mad and gets very negative. But it was too late. He was being short and nasty and indifferent. I got upset cause after trying to get him to speak to me a couple of times he just kept being short. Which by the way those are the reasons why I am so unhappy. The whole day we had planned had to be cancelled because I knew if we continued I would only end up crying and become more upset. I told him to take me home that I didn't want to spend anymore time with him. And he said are u sure. I said yes. So we got home and he decided he was going out he left at 4 and didn't come home until 10 pm. After that he would come home for the next two days and just ignore me. He wouldn't acknowledge me at all. And to as she hasn't been very loving lately. Anyways the next day my mother asked if she could give me some advice. She said its so noticeable how unhappy I am and that my father is starting to wonder if I am happy and if I'm depressed. This is when I realized that my husband has brought me down so much. I was a very happy person. And now I am not. My mom told me to speak to him and share with him how I feel and see how we can fix our marriage. That same night I set myself to do it. I asked him if we could speak. Long story short. I told him how I felt. How unhappy I was. How I need someone who loves me and give me love and affection all the time not only when he wants some or when he is looking to have sex. I continued to say that I hate the environment we have created. And I don't want to continue this way because I am very unhappy and miserable and I can't continue getting hurt this way. He asked me what I want. I asked him to change who he is. To not be so negative and so rude and short and he said he couldn't change. And he knows he won't change. So I told him it's best for us to get a divorce. And he said ok. I told him all I want is to baptize our daughter in a month and then he can be on his way. The next day our baby was asleep and I asked him if there was anyone else. If he was having an affair because he comes home late almost every day and goes out every chance he gets he responded with no, there is anyone else. I asked him if he was sure he said yes. I repeated everything I said about going out and coming home late and he said you aren't going to convince me that I am seeing someone else. So I kept talking and he said what do you want. I thought we agreed on getting a divorce so I said yes. But I would like to save our marriage I don't want a divorce. I love you and I'm trying here I'm trying to save this. And he said nothing so I asked him why he didn't say anything. He responded with. There is nothing to say. I won't change and I never will and that's all. You can imagine how much that hurt so all I did was say ok and walk upstairs. The dy after I texted him trying once more and he shut me down again. So that when I told him it's best if he leaves sooner. We stared going back and forth and he said what do you want. I said once more. I want you to say you love me and you want to work this out and that you don't want to get a divorce. So he did and we somehow worked it out. So now it's Sunday and I ask him to spend time with me and our baby. He tells me he can't that he is going out to work on his resume and then probably grabbing a beer with A friend. Since we've been at my parents we go out almost every Sunday to dinner with my parents or at least together. To me Sundays is family day. Anyway. He didn't end up going out until way after I left the house. I took our daughter out to the park since it was beautiful out. Him not going out till about 4 upset me because I asked him since 10am to go out and he kept saying no. Then For the past few days we've been good until today. When I told him to give me money to do laundry and then he proceeded to ask me to wash our car and pick up his dry cleaning. I told him sure so I ask him for money. He gives me $40 for laundry and dry cleaning and says I expect change. I asked if he was serious and he said yea. And then he says please put gas. I said ok but you only gave me 40 he said you have money I said yes some. He said ok out from that since you're going to use the car the next two days. He uses the car 4 days out of 6. And when I use the car it's only to take our baby to her classes which it's literally driving for 20 minutes the two days I use it. I was a little bothered he asked me to pay only because I don't have incoming coming in. But anyways so I did. I put 20$ of gas. When I got home I have him his change which was 10$ and I said in gonna keep it because it's good to have something in my pocket the next two days. He responded with no that's my money. And asked for it back. I didn't give it to him. Then I said I need money on Friday to buy fruit for me and baby. He said you have money pay for it. Then I said. Ok. Can you please give me the 150$ we agreed on every 2weeks for me and our baby. He said no I'm not giving you any. When I asked why he said because we don't have money and because you have money of your own. I told him yes I have money but that's for my personal expenses. That you don't pay for. Like clothes, shoes etc. also for when I go out with baby I can buy her things. And when she wants a gymbo i can purchase it. Or when I go out with my mom I can invite her to eat like I used to do often before we were married. He said no. I'm not giving you any money because you have money of your own. I told him I need money. That he should give me money. He said if I need and want money to find ways to get it. I said I can't get money I don't work. He said so get a job. I was filled with anger and so I said to him that we need to find a babysitter then and he will have to pay her so I can find a job and make my own money he refused to do that. And said I am not paying for that. You are her mother take care of her. I was so upset angry and hurt I told him if that's the case then fine he wants to be greedy I can to. I told him I don't want him using my car anymore. (His job is 1 1/2 hour away) so he said fine I'm moving out this weekend. To which I responded that's fine!
What should I do? Should I fix this? Is it wrong to ask him to give me money? Should I not be angry? Am I wrong here? Should I ask him to not go? Should I let him go? Should I ask for a divorce?

My biggest fear is my daughter growing up without her father. I pushed for us to get married so our baby could have both mom and dad at home. I would hate to have our marriage end because I don't want her to grow up without one of us. However. I can't continue to be so unhappy & miserable. I think I deserve to be happy too. I don't know what to do please help.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Livia - posted on 03/11/2014

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Ok this is just my opinion. Your both really young. Its hard to have all of these responsibilities at such a young age. Right now the most important thing is your daughter and your well being seeing as your the one taking care of her. He's controlling the money he makes (which doesnt surprise me) you live in your parents house, he drives your car, the guy has no control over anything. He doesn't feel like he's THE MAN! However he needs to get over that. But that's not going to happen for about 10 more years! If you love him REALLY love him you need to move out of your parents place in the next few months. You need to put your money together and save towards a place. HOWEVER first and foremost if he is NOT going to change even a little bit then you need to get a good divorce attorney and get it done and over with and just make sure you have the visitation outlined in the divorce so he is a BIG part of her life. Thats all you can do cause trust me you cant change people! You just cant. He may grow up down the road. Right now you have to take care of you and your daughter. You have to be happy because kids pick up on that! YOU DO DESERVE to BE HAPPY! Stay with your parents go to college and make something of yourself! I am sure your husband is a good guy but he needs to grow up. You have the means and the ways to stay home have someone watch your daughter and go back to school or work!!! Let me know what happens!! Liv

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/13/2014

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You both need to move out of your respective parents' homes, and actually BE a family. And, you probably want to investigate some family counseling.

It sounds as if you're both a bit naive, to be quite honest. Adulthood, marriage, kids...they require a level of maturity. Both of you are living with your parents still, even though both of you are more than old enough to have been out on your own for at least a year or so.

Short answer is you need to move out of your parents house, and into a home with your husband and child. You need to both work together on a budget, and necessary expenditures. You need to both work together to come to an agreement for how you want to live, run your household, raise your children.

Family counseling will help. basically, right now, it sounds like you wanted all sunshine and roses, and now that it's not working out that way, you want to give up. Don't do that. Marriage is a relationship that you need to invest some work into. You will get out of it what you put into it.

I was married, by choice, at the age of 20. We'll be celebrating 24 years of marriage, and 25 years as a couple this year. We didn't do it by living with our folks...we did it by buckling down and committing to the relationship.

You can do this, and do it well. Just take the time now to get the foundation solid.

Sarah - posted on 03/13/2014

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WOW!!! I'm surprised that smoke isn't coming out of your ears. Initially, it would have been a wonderful idea if both you and your husband had met with a minister or counselor prior to marriage and baby. Both of you are very young. You are still attached to your mom and dad in ways that a wife should not be. I believe that you like the idea of marriage but are not ready for the maturity of a marriage relationship and neither is your husband. Can you make this marriage work? The answer is "yes." However, it's going to take a tremendous amount of work. Secondly, money is a big problem from the git-go. While you just had a baby, Daddy is not going to be around forever. The mature woman understands that message and does everything she can to better her condition and that of her child. If possible, you need to take of your health, get a job, see if your parents are amenable to babysitting so that you can better your financial condition. Dad building a second story is nice. Although, you should not view the house addition as a permanent home. You and your husband need to make some decisions that are put down on paper and posted where you guys can review them. If you aren't willing to do that, then there's no point in staying married.

Linn - posted on 03/12/2014

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In a marriage, you should share things. The money is not yours and his, it should be a shared thing. You should both discuss purchases and agree on expensive things.

In all honesty, you both seem awfully immature. Maybe some marital counseling would do you good, because neither party seems to be willing to compromise or change at all for the good of the relationship, and that's what relationships and marriages are. Give and take. Compromise.

Angie - posted on 03/12/2014

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If u need to talk feel free to email me at angieallen2013@ymail.com I'm a prophetess as well a minister at my local church. I'm here to help if there's a need to whom ever. Have a bless day.

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Livia - posted on 03/17/2014

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Esmerelda, as you can see you got a lot of different opinions, some of which are a little to harsh when we dont know you and dont know the whole story. Yes you are young and none of us know if you should have gotten married or if you should get divorced. I just love the people in here who give advice like their word is the holy grail and they are all knowing. Truth is their lives are prob in shambles and thats why they are on here 24/7. I have a friend who might be able to help you. send me an inbox sweetie. Whatever you decide to do just make sure that you and your daughter are going to be well taken care of. Life is way too short to keep going back and forth, make a decision and stick to it. iNBOX ME talk to you soon sweetie

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/13/2014

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I am gonna lay it out for you.

You forced this kid to marry you. He was not ready, and neither were you. I am sure you had this lovely fantasy about how life would be. Life is not a fairy tale. It sounds to me like you are used to getting your own way. Sounds to me like you have your father wrapped around your pinky, and you feel your husband should be also.

You should never have gotten married. You probably should get divorced. This is not a healthy relationship. In fact this is not a relationship at all. Both of you move on. If someone needs to change, maybe it is you. Stop trying to change him. He won't.

You are both very immature to be together or parenting together.

Kathryn - posted on 03/13/2014

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I was 19 when I married for love, he was from KY and I from OK, we were not because about 4 months later is when that I got pregnant. Way sooner than we expected but we also we not preventing it. HIs family was still in KY so I new by saying I do that meant I would have to compromise and make a big effort in strides with his family. Every 3rd week of July we knew his parents took the week off and that was going to be our vacation every year, but I was ok with that and also tried to take our daughter out there as much as I could to see his family. I quit my job when we got back from our honeymoon as there was issues at my job that were not staying there over. (A new boss was hiring new people and putting older employee "on call" in relation to where we lived we saved by me quitting) So we find out were expecting and the likely hood of someone hiring a pregnant 19 yr old were slim, so I did side jobs for some friends. After our daughter was born six weeks maternity which I ended up spending about 3 of those weeks in a camper at his parent place as there house was being rebuilt from a fire a few months before. my husband worked nights and when I got my job it was days, so I would leave before he made it home, and he was asleep when I got home and didn't get up until it was time for him to go to work. He got to skip out on all family events because "he had to sleep". I got so tired of that. We had been living in the my grandmothers old house where my mom grew up and decided we wanted to find a new place. So we looked, looked and looked some more. Finally we found a home and moved in. This is about 5 yrs later so with the new home it he actually received a promotion that changed his hours a little bit, he still worked evenings but had weekends off. So this was new for us...actually spending some time with each other, with this I had finally quit my second job that I got to make extra saving for when we found a place, but then I found out my primary job was closing and I had to have major back surgery. So I timed this surgery with the shutdown so that after my 6+ weeks of recovery I could just come in get my severance check and start looking for a new job while on unemployment. So I had never had surgery, broken bone or anything that extreme... I was about to be cut open neck to butt down my back. I had scoliosis had it was getting so bad I had to have surgery or within the next couple of years my organs would start compressing and collapsing. So logically with the shutdown surgery worked right in. This should have been my red flag of what was to come... couple weeks before the surgery my husband made a comment he was not going to sit the 8 hours at the hospital while I was in surgery he would go in with me but when they started he was going to go back home for a bit then come back. I flipped. Finally my family convinced him to stay. Well what was to be an 8 hr surgery turned into 12+ hour surgery. After surgery and waking up in recovery the plan was to move me immediate to ICU. The surgery with one slip up anywhere could paralyze me as they were straighten and fusing rods and screws into my spine. 3 day later when I was moved to a regular room was the first time I saw my husband. I also found out there was about 8 people in the waiting room for me during surgery including my daughter and when surgery ran over he thought he should get our daughter home to bed, 5 of those 8 people (this included my dad) offered to take our daughter home so he could stay until I got out of surgery. He said no and left. After getting home wasn't much better my mom stayed with us the first two nights home as he had to work late those evenings, and the first night he stayed with me alone I work up about 2AM needing to go the bathroom at this point I still needed lots of help such as someone to get blankets off my feet so I could sit up. We had walkie talkies, cell phones, and he was just in the living room off our bed room when he got home but fell asleep on the couch so when I tried getting his attention he never answered and I finally had to call my mom over at 2:30 to help me because I couldn't get his attention, the garage door woke him up though. So are in our 6th yr and this is when I start to question was this right? He obviously wasn't upholding the in sickness and in health part and it got me wondering about the other parts of our vows. Well I am getting towards the end of the yr after my surgery and I find a new job. And one day I just glaced at his cell phone and saw a message " had a great time last night, thanks" and it was from a girl named "J" At least that is what we will call her here. Now I knew with his new shift hours he had been going our to lunch with a group of co-workers but at first it was like five+ people but then I found out a couple times it was just him and J, so I asked him point blank about the text and he admitted to sleeping with her. I made a rule for my self long ago a man cheats on me he does not get a second chance. I made an exception for my marriage he finally sat down and watched "Fireproof" with me and got my copy of the "Love Dare" book. I felt I knew him too well and thought if he really wanted to save what we had he would rally take note of the movie and make it through the full 40 days with or maybe with out some resistance (as in the movie), I set a date of ten days if he could make it past 10 days with me resisting, I would take down the wall and try to work with him. He lasted 8 or 9 days and quit. So that helped be determine divorce was right. Before that I had become very depressed through out our marriage, and I also wanted to stay together for our daughter. What helped me make my decision was I saw us have a seeming close relationship to my like what my parents of 35+ years have. There was not physical abuse but plenty of mental, and I saw what my mom has endured and sat with her when she has cried and been on the wrong end of the "straw that broke the camels back" one to many times. I did not want our daughter growing up with that, I didn't want her growing up to be where I was in 25 years. I will not lie after he stopped trying he went back to J (not sure he ever really stopped seeing her) and she hated me and she had never even met me. 4 yrs or so later it is still a struggle with her. But in the long run it can be the better decision. And don't regret your past just know if you hadn't this or that met him or her, you may not be anywhere you are today. You had a baby girl, parents who love you and you are still young enough to do something even better in your life than at the moment you are in now, I know it looks dark and should be seen as a regret but, had My ex and J not gotten together, I probably would have said with him too long. After meeting him I was a stepmom to the guy I started dating kids, he turned out to be wrong for me down the road but thanks to him I can now say I have seen both sides of mommy world, I met some of my best friends through him, including one who does my hair for free and taught me how to DJ, honestly something I had never put thought into until I tried it for fun and fell in love. I dated a little more after him but now I have found a great guy. He treats our daughter as his own, is there for me even when I have a back ache and he's just worked 15 hours manual labor. From day 1 he and I it was never his or my money it was just ours, Are the bills paid, do we have groceries, everyone have gas? But here's something that may come as a shock... he was/ kinda still is a gambling addict, but he trusted me enough to help him with that and yes he slipped and spent an entire pay check (couple of times) on weeks I wasn't paid but we knew we would make it however...even if that meant ramen noodles every night for a week. We hardly fight and when we do it has never once been about money. We also mutual knew how to fight fair, we don't yell, we don't walk out on the other, we may end up in bed facing away and quiet but never have we fallen asleep without at least an I love and a kiss, even when mad. Usually that I love you gets us to open back up and work it out. One other hard thing I learned in the last four years after my marriage broke up... was until you are happy/ well enough to take care of yourself, you can't fully take care of your baby. It took me two trips to the crazy house for a break to learn that. Lol. And I am fine talking about it because I learned from it, I took good things away from it. After this week though it's been rough, Sleeping in 3 meals a day and TV actually doesn't look too bad sometime you forget you even being watched. Bahaha :) if you every want to talk more or chat feel free to ask me anything or if you just need to vent getting it helps too.

Angie - posted on 03/12/2014

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Things we go through in a marriage is to make us stringer and to have a testimony on where God brought yall from. It's okay to fight for your marriage cause yall are married. Life is not easy but it can be what u make it to be as well marriage. Talk to those who been married as well still is. Those that are single and still angry will not be able to give u positive direction.

Angie - posted on 03/12/2014

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The best advice I can give is go before the Lord he can guide u. I was once married and struggled but before making a step I made sure I did all that I could. Overall marriage is work. Fast and pray and God will give you the answer. Don't make a move to fast that u later might regret.

Livia - posted on 03/11/2014

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Oh and if you do stay with him and if he EVER cheats on you again well you need to kick his butt to the curb! NEver give men 2nd chances when it comes to cheating NEVER!!!

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