Esmeralda - posted on 03/11/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )
I know this is very long. But I really don't know what to do anymore.
I am 21 married now for 9 months. I am a stay home mom.
My relationship with my husband hasn't been a walk in the park since we moved into my parents house. When we got married I began to sleep over his house every night and go back home in the morning. But after our baby was born I insisted that we live together. My father insisted on buying us an apartment as a way of taking care of me. We were looking for an apartment to move into since we got married but never found the right one. Then when our baby was born I ended up staying in my parents home. He stayed there with me for 2 weeks. Then when he had to go back to work he said he was going back home to his mothers house. He didn't want to live in my parents house. One night I had a break down, you can say it was something like the baby blues for various reasons. I was afraid he would cheat, since he did while we were going out. I found out a month before I found out we were expecting. Anyway that night he promised he would live here with me so I can have some peace. We continued to look for a place but after a month my father said if we would like to live here rent free until he makes us a 2nd floor to live in. I was ecstatic. I love my parents and I am extremely attached to my mother I was so happy to be so close to them. Especially since I didn't think I would get married so young and have to leave home so soon. Anyway my husband and I spoke about it and we agreed to stay here.
Him and I have had a pretty bad relationship we fight all the time and argue. Divorce always comes into question because of how bad our relationship gets. It mostly comes from me because I have become miserable and I cry a lot and everything we go thru really hurts me. About 2 weeks ago we finally had a great time spending time together with no fights and being the best we can be to each other. But it didn't last. Then I brought up divorce again because on his day off we started out great. We were happy having a great time. I went to my old job to pick something up. While we were waiting in the car, for the person I needed to see him and I got into the discussion of money and how he never gives me any money and he says we don't have money to spend because we are broke. However I said that if we are broke he shouldn't go out with his friends to eat every week. He should limit it to once a month. I also mentioned how he should take lunch from home or buy things like cold cuts and cereal to keep at work so he doesn't spend any money on lunch. He came back with I will do with my money as is we fit. And continued to say that he wishes my father didn't continue taking care of me. BY THE WAY: my father gives me some money here and there not often. Maybe like $100 a month every month and a half or more. And so my husband continued to say. He should stop giving you money so you can see what it's like to not have money, to be broke then you will truly understand what it is to not have money.
On a quick note: Now I am not saying
I come from a wealthy family but my father does really well financially. And since about the age of 9 my father has given me a certain life that I am used to. And I am used to shopping for things I like and being able to buy things when I want. I also had 3 jobs at once and made a lot of money and have I've had a job since I was 16. I've made my own money and covered for all my EXTRA expenses. shoes, clothes, food etc. at this time my father would still give me money but not much but I was still shopping and paying for everything I wanted. I didn't deny myself anything I could afford. So that is the life I am used to.
Anyways back to what my husband said I responded with. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to have the father I have and him to provide me with everything he has been able to give me over the years. And he should be happy for me that I am not missing anything and that my daughter will also benefit because I can buy her anything she wants since he doesn't give me money at least my father does and I have money to spend. Ex. A week before this we went to my daughters gymboree classes and she wanted gymbo he refused to pay for it because we don't have money for "wants" we only have money for "needs". Keep in mind we have barely spent money the past 2 months. So that upset me. I continued to tell him that it isn't fair that he doesn't give me money and while he can shop for clothing and anything he wants whenever he sees fit I can't. It isn't right. I can't get a job cause I'm taking care of our daughter. After that he upset me and I didn't want to ruin our day so I got out of the car and went into my job. When I came back I was speaking to him like nothing because I didn't want to ruin our day. He easily frets mad and gets very negative. But it was too late. He was being short and nasty and indifferent. I got upset cause after trying to get him to speak to me a couple of times he just kept being short. Which by the way those are the reasons why I am so unhappy. The whole day we had planned had to be cancelled because I knew if we continued I would only end up crying and become more upset. I told him to take me home that I didn't want to spend anymore time with him. And he said are u sure. I said yes. So we got home and he decided he was going out he left at 4 and didn't come home until 10 pm. After that he would come home for the next two days and just ignore me. He wouldn't acknowledge me at all. And to as she hasn't been very loving lately. Anyways the next day my mother asked if she could give me some advice. She said its so noticeable how unhappy I am and that my father is starting to wonder if I am happy and if I'm depressed. This is when I realized that my husband has brought me down so much. I was a very happy person. And now I am not. My mom told me to speak to him and share with him how I feel and see how we can fix our marriage. That same night I set myself to do it. I asked him if we could speak. Long story short. I told him how I felt. How unhappy I was. How I need someone who loves me and give me love and affection all the time not only when he wants some or when he is looking to have sex. I continued to say that I hate the environment we have created. And I don't want to continue this way because I am very unhappy and miserable and I can't continue getting hurt this way. He asked me what I want. I asked him to change who he is. To not be so negative and so rude and short and he said he couldn't change. And he knows he won't change. So I told him it's best for us to get a divorce. And he said ok. I told him all I want is to baptize our daughter in a month and then he can be on his way. The next day our baby was asleep and I asked him if there was anyone else. If he was having an affair because he comes home late almost every day and goes out every chance he gets he responded with no, there is anyone else. I asked him if he was sure he said yes. I repeated everything I said about going out and coming home late and he said you aren't going to convince me that I am seeing someone else. So I kept talking and he said what do you want. I thought we agreed on getting a divorce so I said yes. But I would like to save our marriage I don't want a divorce. I love you and I'm trying here I'm trying to save this. And he said nothing so I asked him why he didn't say anything. He responded with. There is nothing to say. I won't change and I never will and that's all. You can imagine how much that hurt so all I did was say ok and walk upstairs. The dy after I texted him trying once more and he shut me down again. So that when I told him it's best if he leaves sooner. We stared going back and forth and he said what do you want. I said once more. I want you to say you love me and you want to work this out and that you don't want to get a divorce. So he did and we somehow worked it out. So now it's Sunday and I ask him to spend time with me and our baby. He tells me he can't that he is going out to work on his resume and then probably grabbing a beer with A friend. Since we've been at my parents we go out almost every Sunday to dinner with my parents or at least together. To me Sundays is family day. Anyway. He didn't end up going out until way after I left the house. I took our daughter out to the park since it was beautiful out. Him not going out till about 4 upset me because I asked him since 10am to go out and he kept saying no. Then For the past few days we've been good until today. When I told him to give me money to do laundry and then he proceeded to ask me to wash our car and pick up his dry cleaning. I told him sure so I ask him for money. He gives me $40 for laundry and dry cleaning and says I expect change. I asked if he was serious and he said yea. And then he says please put gas. I said ok but you only gave me 40 he said you have money I said yes some. He said ok out from that since you're going to use the car the next two days. He uses the car 4 days out of 6. And when I use the car it's only to take our baby to her classes which it's literally driving for 20 minutes the two days I use it. I was a little bothered he asked me to pay only because I don't have incoming coming in. But anyways so I did. I put 20$ of gas. When I got home I have him his change which was 10$ and I said in gonna keep it because it's good to have something in my pocket the next two days. He responded with no that's my money. And asked for it back. I didn't give it to him. Then I said I need money on Friday to buy fruit for me and baby. He said you have money pay for it. Then I said. Ok. Can you please give me the 150$ we agreed on every 2weeks for me and our baby. He said no I'm not giving you any. When I asked why he said because we don't have money and because you have money of your own. I told him yes I have money but that's for my personal expenses. That you don't pay for. Like clothes, shoes etc. also for when I go out with baby I can buy her things. And when she wants a gymbo i can purchase it. Or when I go out with my mom I can invite her to eat like I used to do often before we were married. He said no. I'm not giving you any money because you have money of your own. I told him I need money. That he should give me money. He said if I need and want money to find ways to get it. I said I can't get money I don't work. He said so get a job. I was filled with anger and so I said to him that we need to find a babysitter then and he will have to pay her so I can find a job and make my own money he refused to do that. And said I am not paying for that. You are her mother take care of her. I was so upset angry and hurt I told him if that's the case then fine he wants to be greedy I can to. I told him I don't want him using my car anymore. (His job is 1 1/2 hour away) so he said fine I'm moving out this weekend. To which I responded that's fine!
What should I do? Should I fix this? Is it wrong to ask him to give me money? Should I not be angry? Am I wrong here? Should I ask him to not go? Should I let him go? Should I ask for a divorce?
My biggest fear is my daughter growing up without her father. I pushed for us to get married so our baby could have both mom and dad at home. I would hate to have our marriage end because I don't want her to grow up without one of us. However. I can't continue to be so unhappy & miserable. I think I deserve to be happy too. I don't know what to do please help.