Confused with my igbo man.

Shingi - posted on 01/26/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

3

0

1

Hi all
So I met my husband in my first year in uni. He was nice and loving and very quiet. I joke a lot, I speak my mind am an open person. After 3 months of knowing each other we started dating. He completed his degree and left uni a year later. He then told me he was leaving for Nigeria because his student visa was expiring soon. I didn't want him to go. I had fallen deeply in love with him and was hoping for a lovely future together. I am from Zimbabwe and I have my British passport and my status is good, so I decided to marry the guy in order for him to stay in the country. He never suggested it to me but I asked him if he was willing to do so. He denied at first but later we got married secretly. After the marriage and all. The elder brother came from Nigeria to visit, and the visit turned to a permanent stay. At that time I was still living with my family so I didn't mind. It was when my husband started changing all our plans to get married in church and let my family know and live together. He rented 3 bed house with his brother and never told me about his plans. Everything he was going was now centred on his elder brother. He used the money he was to pay my bride price with to buy a car. If we go out on a date the brother will tag along, or he will be blowing up his phone calling or texting. It's like am fighting with his elder brother for his attention. One time my husband asked me to cook for him his favourite fish and fried rice. After preparing everything the elder brother came in tried the food and called my food rubbish. My husband didn't say anything about it he kept on eating I had to defend myself as always. Now my question is it the igbo culture that family comes first and the rest follows because that is what the elder brother keeps saying to me. I wish I could just tell him that if it wasn't for me him and his younger brother (my husband) wouldn't be enjoying life in the UK as they are. I am not his priority anymore whatever we plan together somehow the brother gets involved and everything is out the window. I am pregnant now, and his behaviour hasn't changed. Only last month when he asked to come and meet my people in order to make plans to marry me but, I know his brother can change his mind. And also i am confused does he love me or he doesn't, his only using his brother as an excuse?😢 sorry for the loooooong text🙈

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 01/26/2016

3,761

0

21

I don't really know much about their culture. I thought the eldest brother is supposed to have the responsibility for the family in the absence of their father. But your situation seems like the younger brother is providing more for the older brother. So, not quite in keeping with their traditions. If your "husband" is allowing outside influences to interfere with plans you already agreed on, then that is disrespectful to you. If he's allowing the brother to treat you badly, then that's further evidence that he doesn't respect you. He may think he loves you, but that's not how you treat someone you love.

3 Comments

View replies by

Shingi - posted on 01/26/2016

3

0

1

True. I didn't want to start saying he used me since at the beginning everything was ok between us. And I didn't get pregnant deliberately I was on the pill all along. Am not justify my actions at all.

Raye - posted on 01/26/2016

3,761

0

21

If you were having these problems, why on earth would you allow yourself to conceive a child. That definitely won't solve problems, but only create more problems.

If we tell you that it is his culture, are you going to all of a sudden be able to accept the behavior and have everything be okay? It will probably still bother you because it's disrespectful to you. You know he's using you, and you're looking for some way to justify your bad decisions and stay with him... for what? Because of the child? That's no reason to remain in a bad relationship.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms