Considering Abortion

NatalyaMarie - posted on 01/01/2015 ( 30 moms have responded )

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Hello, I am a single mother of 2 currently 9 weeks pregnant with my third child. I never believed in abortions but after this unplanned & unexpected pregnancy, I feel like its my only option. I'm scared to death. My appointment is in 10 days & I have been constantly going back and forward about what to do......I will be a single parent and am unable to care for a 3rd child. Is there anyone who's been where I am? What did you decide?

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Amanda - posted on 01/05/2015

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I am a woman who had problems with pregnancy. I was considering adaption and would have loved to have adopted a baby. I decided after four years of trying to finally go through with invitro. I was blessed with twins. 2 years later, I got pregnant naturally! The doctors were wrong and god granted me this pregnancy. My husband was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He was jeopardizing my career and my dads family business. When I found out I was pregnant, I was lost and so frightened to have this third baby. But, this baby was a blessing from god. I continued with the pregnancy. At 7 months, I found out my husband was cheating on me. I had twin 2 year old and pregnant, about to become a single mom. I cried everyday, suffered panic attacks, thoughts of suicide. But, my twins and baby gave me strength. Along with prayer for strength. Today my twin boys are 3 and my baby girl is one. Somehow, life is working out!! Babies and children are what give us life! If you really cannot afford, care for, whatever your reason is to not have this baby, PLEASE consider adoption. Also, going through fertility treatment, I found that I was not the only one... Many women would love to be a mom and nurture your baby as their very own.
I have a friend who was adopted. She adores and loves her adopted parents emensely. She knows and has met her biological mom. She loves her but, understands why she was adopted and never challenged it! Same with my own cousins. I have two of whom aren't blood but, they are our family!! And we all love them only as family!

Sarah - posted on 01/05/2015

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NatalyaMarie, you've been bombarded with advice from all sides: have the baby, keep it, give it up for adoption, and proceed with your plan to terminate. I hope you have gotten some clarity for your own peace of mind. YOU are the one who lives with your choice, no matter what you choose. We will not be there to hold your hand when you cry with regret, nor will be there to help you when your baby is up sick all night.
I think you say a lot in your post "I never believed in abortion and I am scared to death"
The question only you can answer is: Am I more likely to regret terminating the pregnancy or am I more likely to regret carrying the baby to term? You could choose not to parent, but from you post it seems you are not considering adoption. I hope for you to have peace of mind.

Lisa - posted on 01/03/2015

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I am a pro-choice mother of two sons and if you feel abortion is your only way out, no one can criticize or judge you. But after the abortion, please go on birth control! It's a lot cheaper than a baby/unwanted pregnancies. If you cannot take the pill or contraceptives, condoms are good too :) You need to make the best decision for you and your children. Good luck with your doctor appointment.

Kaylan - posted on 01/03/2015

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I'm not going to write a long post. What I'm going to tell you is this have the baby. If after the baby you don't want it then there is adoption. I will say this, when you see your child there is nothing in this world that can compare to the love you will feel.

Ledia - posted on 01/02/2015

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I never said that there were not a lot of children placed for adoption after birth that do not have issues. I know that many children (born to healthy, drug free mothers) are placed for adoption after birth are quickly placed with adoptive families and grow up to live great lives relatively free of emotional and mental issues, but the RISK of having emotional or mental issues rises significantly when a child is placed for adoption after birth, and thus the child is more difficult to place with an adoptive family. Families don't want babies who've been in the system for more than a few weeks because there is no way to know whether the child will have issues or not until it is older, and the longer it waits in the system, the higher the risk of having issues later on in life, thus further lowering the possibility of permanently placing the child with an adoptive family at all.

Another issue with adoption is that, in most US states, the father has to approve the adoption as well. If she doesn't know who the father is, the child has to wait within the system until the state determines that the father will not dispute. The guidelines for this time limit and/or the legal processes for attempting to contact the father vary by state, but NONE are less than a year (by which point attachment disorders are all but a given). If the father does want to keep the child, the mother will have to find a judge who will approve a forfeiture of rights or she may be left paying child support for a child she never wanted in the first place. This can be emotionally damaging to the child as well, and again, in some cases, abortion is the more humane option for the child than the life he or she would be sentenced to.

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Amanda - posted on 01/06/2015

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Hello Natalya,
This must be very hard for you. I wrote earlier about twins and a daughter. I just wanted to add, I also had NO HELP and still DON'T Have any help. It is certainly a challenge and a worry. But, believe in God who gave you the miracle of life. Just believe and TRUST in yourself. Everything will be okay. Whatever you decide :)

Raye - posted on 01/06/2015

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Don't let other people make you feel bad. Not everyone regrets abortion, but the father should not pressure you to make that choice if it's not in your heart to do so. It's really a difficult decision any way you look at it.

Something to think about, though:
In 2012, about 640,000 children spent time in U.S. foster care, group homes, and state facilities waiting for an adoptive home. Many Americans adopt from out of the country because the adoption process in this country is broken, cumbersome, lengthy, etc. According to the U.S. State Department, U.S. families adopted more than 7,000 children internationally in 2012 - the highest number of children were adopted from China followed by Ethiopia, Ukraine, Haiti, and the Democratic Republic of Congo.

So, the infants and children that are not adopted are stuck in social services where they wait 3-5 years on average to be adopted (or they're of the 10% that "age out"). The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect reported that 6 times as many children died in foster care than in the general public. Well over one-quarter of all children in the foster care system are under age five. Nearly 1/3 of children abused while in care were under age 3. Children younger than 6 accounted for 85% of all child fatalities due to child abuse; and approximately 40% of those deaths were babies under age 1. My personal opinion is, if there was a better system of care in place for these children, maybe abortion rates would go down.

This information is not to advocate abortion or to make you parent a child that would cause hardship to your existing family. If you have a family member that will take the child, then odds are that child will have a better life than being turned over to the system for adoption.

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

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NatalyaMarie have you talked to anyone about what aid you can get or may qualify for? Just being a mom of twins can offer you discounts at certain stores. There are also mom of multiple groups that swap items and sometimes child care services. Besides those you also have government aid that can be of help. Also if birth father wants you to parent ( and even if he did not want you to) have child support set. All those can be a little bit of help. Not saying it will make life any easier but sometimes even just a little bit can help. If you have not looked into some of those things doing a Google search for your area or contacting dhs or going to a crisis pregnancy center may be of some help. Often times crisis pregnancy centers will have a list of resources in the area for those looking at parenting. They can also offer assistance with maternity clothing, baby clothing, and baby items for free or a very low price.

NatalyaMarie - posted on 01/05/2015

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First, I would just like to thank everyone for the support, and the insight. I have read every post so far & There are alot of amazing and uplifting stories on this post and I am grateful that you wonderful ladies have come through on my or shall I say our behalf. To clarify a few things.....Yes, I would like to have this baby. Also, I am not completely against adoption, as a matter of fact, I have spoken with a family member that is willing to take the baby. However, I am not in this alone. There is the father of this unborn baby to be considered & he has made it clear that he does not want to take the adoption route. I think mostly because he will feel more guilty seeing as though he already has 5 other children, and he's actually a pretty good father to all of them. So, I wasn't completely shocked when he was all a go with the abortion plans. I have a set of twins (also unplanned) but caring for them has been one of the hardest &yet most rewarding things that I've ever done. I have no close family members & the family that I do have is not well to do. I will have NO HELP with this 3rd child & it feels like no matter what I do, this unborn baby is going to suffer in some way shape or form. I have a job but its barely taking care of my twins & I. If I chose to keep the baby, that stops any thoughts of getting a second job. I have never had to make such a difficult decision in my life. I keep trying to put it out of my mind, but its hard to do when you feel movement & your sick every morning because of it. *SIGH* I appreciate the transparency that everyone has been giving. Thanx for not being too judgemental. I know that in the end, this is my decision to make & Im just praying that everything will be ok, whatever I decide.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/05/2015

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It is not about judgement. It is about understanding there is a human life involved, a real child. And about the fact that women deserve better than abortion. Ten days after conception there are brain waves in the new baby; within twenty days there is a beating heart. DNA is separate from the mom. This is a separate life. Human rights begin in the womb. And resources for every mother is a Feminist issue. Please choose life.

Amy - posted on 01/05/2015

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Natalya - Where do you live? Maybe we can help you. God bless! Will keep you in prayer definitely.

Monina - posted on 01/03/2015

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Please think about a 100 times of what you are about to do. I know how hard the kind of situation you have right now. My advice for you continue this pregnancy. Get a list of all the people that you can trust. Choose some of them who likes to adopt your child. The thing is, when you give birth to this child and you choose to giver her/him away there are so many tendencies will happen to your life. I will give you some: she/he will give you thanks for showing this world. Might be hate inside, but this will change. It really depend oh how the poster parents raise that child. That's why im asking you to make a list of all the people that you can trust. I hope this one helps to clear your mind.

Sarah - posted on 01/03/2015

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A child does not go into the system unless removed by the state. A child can be placed with the adoptive family at anytime after the birth no matter if birth father's rights are terminated or not. It will depend on the state as to if they will need to do a search or not. Some states do not require a search as long as birth father knows of pregnancy and has made no contact for a certain amount of time. Baby can be in the adoptive home during this process. As long as the state does not remove baby the baby never needs to go into the system. There are many families that are wanting children 2 yrs and under. The number does go down as the child gets older than 2 yrs, but you will still find lots of families that want older. There are also families that have children and want another, but don't want to go through the baby stage again.

Jan - posted on 01/03/2015

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also natural and adopted children can have stories to share as adults. My natural family was awful. I yearned to be adopted. It didn't happen. I have some social anxieties, some depression and trust issues. would this have happened had I been raised by a loving adoptive family. I don't think so because I yearn for it to this day

Jan - posted on 01/03/2015

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It's a tough one . i guess it's difficult for some of us not able to have children yet.
I've always seen adoption /abortion as such opposites. ADoption is so selfless. The thought is 100% on the child. Abortion is more about the person and the current circumstances. I hate to say it's the more selfish of the two but I lack a better word. When people speak of abortion the thoughts are more "but I don't know how I.." such as your comment about a child coming back and asking why he/she was given up for adoption.
Either decision is yours and I don't judge.
IF you did go the adoption route I would just encourage you to write a letter, a long one that they child/adult could have to understand.
if you choose abortion I hope you are okay. I don't think it's something you can do lightly but I wish you the best in your decisions. Perhaps, again no judgement, but if you don't want more children go with a more permanent birth control method or the shot or something?

take care

Kaylan - posted on 01/03/2015

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I don't believe in abortion. But I'm certain forcing your values on someone when they are at crossroads is not helpful. I know how she feels. I was there once with my 3rd child, a single mom and scared. Thinking how was I going to be able to take care of another child. I had my youngest and I am not sorry. Not even for one day, let alone one second of my life. There are just no words to say that can describe the love I have for my child.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/03/2015

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I wonder what the child would say. "Do I want to have my life, or have someone else decide that I shouldn't be " sentenced to it"? Don't presume you know.

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if you're not 100% sure that you want to have an abortion I don't think you should do it. It sounds like you are just scared that you can't take care of the third child. It is very possible and people do it everyday. It may not be easy, but it is doable. I personally think it would be hard if you did do it because you would see your kids and think about how you would have had another and maybe regret it..

Ultimately this is your decision and I wish you the best. I pray that you come to peace in whatever your decision may be.

Lisaakex - posted on 01/02/2015

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I encourage you to have your baby. I think you will be so glad you did. The fear and feelings now that are so disturbing will pass and are temporary. But abortion is forever. You won't ever be able to get this baby back. I know you are scared. But there are a lot of resources to help you make it. You deserve them and you are worth it! Don't give up on yourself or on this new life inside you. clesalex4@ gmail.com if you want to talk. Much love.

Sarah - posted on 01/02/2015

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I work in adoption and not all of what you have stated is correct Ledia. There are many children that are placed after birth that do not have issues.

Natalya this is something you do have to decide on your own. You asking this question here does have some insight that you are struggling as to what to do and that maybe you need to talk to a counselor that can really help you figure out what is best for both you and your baby. Talking to a crisis pregnancy counselor will also be able to give you correct information on all your options.

Lily - posted on 01/02/2015

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I had an abortion when I was 18..had no money to take care of a bby...but till this day it haunts me...I regret it so much...I cry at times not knowing what could have been.I just had a my first son 2 months ago and his smile makes my heart melt could no longer imagine like with out him...I unfortunately had a home abortion went to purchase pills took them and it was the most painful thing I had gone through. ..I'd say think about it if I could rewind time I would have. ..

Ledia - posted on 01/02/2015

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I want to clarify that I am NOT saying adoption is not a good option. It does have its place and is a WONDERFUL option if you are prepared to go through with it, and can make the arrangements for it well before the birth of the baby. If you wait too long, it just gets really "iffy" and difficult.

Ledia - posted on 01/02/2015

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Only you can make this choice, and you need to make the choice that is right for YOU. Please do not let anyone "guilt" you into carrying and delivering a baby that you know you shouldn't carry and deliver.

I am adopted myself, and I work in the system as well, so I can speak with some authority here. First off, adoption is not the pretty picture most pro-life people paint it out to be. As a healthy, drug free mom, YOUR child does have a pretty good chance at getting into a good home if you can make the decision to give him or her up and find a suitable adoptive family before birth, but if you wait until the baby is born, your chances of getting the baby into a good home in time to avoid attachment disorders is cut by nearly 50%. Then, if none of the parents on wait lists with the agencies your hospital works with accept the baby or if you happen to be in a hospital that does not work directly with agencies, your chances of finding a good home drop another 30 to 40% because research is mounting that bonding during the first few weeks of a child's life is essential to avoiding attachment disorders such as ODD, certain manifestations of OCD symptoms, and other long term, emotional disorders. The processing for making a child available for adoption if there is no one ready and waiting to take the baby can take months, and if it takes too long (depending on the back log in your area), the chances of your little one getting adopted are now in the single digits because no one wants the babies that may have serious mental issues later on. Furthermore, everyone wants a new born baby, not a toddler or child, so the older the kids gets, the worse the chances are, and by the time they are 4 years old, chances are practically non-existent. Yes, older kids DO sometimes get adopted, but it is very rare in comparison to the number of older kids awaiting adoption.

I also get an up close and personal look at the lives that are lived by people who should have been aborted, and occasionally, they live great lives, but most of the time, their lives are pretty much a disaster from day one. Most of them suffer from mental and emotional disorders that result in heavy drug use or addiction. Due to the lack of constant relationships in their lives, they do not have the emotional tools to form lasting or positive relationships with other people--they tend to fall into abusive relationships, or become abusive themselves because they do not have the security that anyone will ever choose to stay with them unless they force them to stay or let them walk all over them. Most end up living on government assistance their entire lives and/or living in and out of prison or mental institutions (and not the nice mental institutions--the state funded ones that give you nightmares).

I was a child when I was adopted. My life is turning out okay because I have an AMAZING adoptive father, and I am a product of VERY LUCKY CIRCUMSTANCE, but had those specific circumstances not come together, I would have preferred my mother abort me.
Today, I am married and have a child of my own. My life is good, but I am not without issues. I do not trust ANYONE--including my husband. I sleep with a gun in a finger safe by my bed. I keep a bank account that has enough money in it for me to leave and live for at least a year--my husband knows about the account, but he doesn't have access to it--just in case he ever decides to hurt me or leave me. I do not have a "best friend" that I share secrets and confessions with--I keep them all to myself, because you never know what another person will do with information you give them. I am often VERY lonely. My relationship with my husband is often strained because of the lack of trust I feel for him, which effect his trust in me. We go to therapy as a couple once a week, as a family once a week, and I go alone twice a week--yep, FOUR DAYS A WEEK I am in a psychologist or psychiatrist's office (I don't trust therapists or counselors because they do not have the same legal limitations, but I'm working on that). I can be happy and be a productive member of society because I have the financial freedom to pay for all of this. I was blessed in the fact that my adoptive parents were well off and willing to spend a lot of time and money on me to insure my well being. As an adult, I am blessed with many of the tools they afforded me, which allow me to be financially successful enough to "Buy" enough security (my extra bank account and safe house, extensive therapy, and the like) to feel "safe" and not run away or push people away from me for fear of what they'll do to me. Without those securities, I would be a mental and emotional mess, if I were even still alive today. I have no doubt I would have committed suicide at some point in foster care, or if I survived long enough to age out, that I would be a homeless, drug addicted criminal. I KNOW this because it is the direction I go when my securities are threatened, and I am not unlike many of the people I work with in the system.

Sometimes, abortion is a more humane and ethical decision for a child than life.

Meagan - posted on 01/02/2015

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Hi. I add an abortion wen i was 5 or 6 weeks. Our son was 9 months at the time. It was the best decision we made for all three of us and that unborn baby. I had no emotional turmoils and im not bombarded by the what ifs etc. I look at my son now, and i hw that choice my husband and i made was so that we culd guv him everything he needs and wants. Education is my top priority, that was a major factor for me. I wna giv my son the best of everything. And i knew that if we had that second baby, we wuld not beable to. I beliv that the best choice a parent makes is to hav the baby or not. Gudluck

Michelle - posted on 01/02/2015

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Only you can make the choice. I would suggest talking through your options before going through with anything.
I know 1 person who had an abortion but she did get some counselling before having it done to make sure it was the right decision.
Asking this question here you will get some very one sided responses so be prepared for them.
I personally wouldn't have an abortion if the child was a result of my stupidity in not preventing the pregnancy to begin with. I am a firm believer that you have to live with your choices in life. If the pregnancy was a result of rape then I would have to have the child aborted, I couldn't carry that child.
Whatever you decide make sure that you use birthcontrol so you aren't in this situation again until your are ready. Even use multiple forms to make sure.

Sarah - posted on 01/01/2015

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You are OK with killing them so they don't have an opportunity at a life at all, but can't place the child with a loving family that would offer the child a wonderful life?.....that makes NO sense. Imagine if your biological mom made that decision. Your life, you kids would not exist.

How do you know the child would come to you asking why? Maybe the child would come to you thanking you. Maybe you have an open adoption where the child always knows you and understands that you did what you felt was best. Maybe the child thanks you every day for making that choice and allowing that child to have a wonderful life.

Dove - posted on 01/01/2015

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If you want objective... I'm not a good one to respond. I would never kill my child under any circumstances.

It IS a legal procedure though, so if you think you can live w/ it... no one can stop you.

I will let you know that my mother aborted her first pregnancy and has regretted it every single day for over 43 years, so make SURE whatever you decide it is something you can live with.

I will also add that I am a single, disabled mother of three and though life is rough... I wouldn't change my kids for anything in the world.

NatalyaMarie - posted on 01/01/2015

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I know that if I carried the baby to term, I would NEVER be able to give them up & I don't think I could ever face them 18 years later when they came back and asked me why I gave them up......being adopted myself, I know they would never understand why I chose not to keep them. I feel like Im between a rock & a hard place :(

Sarah - posted on 01/01/2015

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Why not adoption? Your baby has a heartbeat, arms, and legs, a face.....it is a baby. Looking at your two other children can you imagine them not being here? Abortion is a life long decision. You will look at your other two children and always wonder. Your due date will always be a date you will never forget. ....it will be a day you will always think what if.

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