[deleted account] ( 1 mom has responded )
Im a stay at home mom with two toddlers that are aged 1 and 3. I love them to death and have a lot of fun with them all the time but I feel like Im in a rut. My fiancé and I have almost been together for three years and Ive always had a problem with his negativity and anger . Even when we first started dating he would put down the things I liked like it was bad to like them. Now when he says something rude or does something wrong and I'm trying to talk to him about it he looks at me like " oh here she goes again" and when he looks at me like that I just start crying because I feel like everything I say is a burden. He also snaps at me like Im a dog. One time we were driving and he almost hit someone and I looked at him with fear in my eyes and he started yelling at me " WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. DONT FUCKING DO THAT." Im sorry I react like a human...Then when I start crying he rolls his eyes then grinds his teeth in anger like he cant stand me crying. Usually I will go to a room or look out the window ( if were driving) to cry because he will lecture me instead of comfort me and the only time he will come in after me is if it is to tell me another thing wrong with me or he would feel bad after leaving me in the room for about an hour. His anger and negativity are killing me as a person and as a mother. Lately I want to sleep all day just so I can get the day over with but I know I cant because I have my kids so I try and make the best out of it. One day after college I sat in my car at the parking lot and thought how it would be to shoot myself in the head in the car right now. Of course I will never do that because my kids need me but that's where my mind is when I'm not occupied with my beautiful children. I don't have friends to talk to about this and I really don't have anyone to listen because when I told my fiancé of my suicidal thoughts he told he that he couldn't deal with that and would just leave. Another time he just used that against me so now when I feel sad or suicidal I will just sit in my room and cry alone. I don't know what to do about this whole situation and I don't know if I should leave him because I don't have money to afford the life I have right now and I want to be with my kids all the time. Any suggestions or support would be wonderful.