Controlling mother in law

Brianna - posted on 12/11/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




My daughter is now two months old and even since before she was born my mother in law has been very controlling about the baby. When I was pregnant she would tell my husband that it was her baby to when me and him would discuss decisions we were gonna make when she was born. She would even argue with him when he would tell her the baby was not hers, she is only the grandma. We had to keep the name a secret because every time we would discuss names she would tell us yes or no even when she wasn't a part of the conversation. When our daughter was born we asked everyone not to post pictures on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter ect. I just recently found out that she has been posting pictures on Facebook since the day she was born. To make matters worse she put a picture of me on there in my gown in the hospital and I looked absolutely terrible. She disregards anything my husband asks (he has to talk to her because she speaks no English and I don't know enough Spanish to discuss these things) and that includes when he asks her not to get in our daughters face when she is sleeping, when he asks her to be a little quieter because she can be very loud and that is always right before our daughter is about to take a nap and she ends up getting cranky. My mother in law gets mad whenever we don't stay for longer then 3 hours because we have our daughter on a bedtime schedule so we have to be home by around 7. We also let my parents babysit when we wanted our date night because I 100% trust them. My husbands mom is upset that we didn't leave our daughter with her and that we haven't even asked yet. I do not trust her and I would be worried the entire time if we did that. She doesn't listen when we say our daughters diaper is dirty and when I tell her our daughter is hungry she says no she's not. His mom has told us to leave her there when we go somewhere...she doesn't ask she tells us to and we always say no because our daughter is two months old and we are not leaving her for four hours with someone I do not trust. Whenever we go to visit his mom hangs on to our daughter and doesn't let anyone else hold her until we take her and give her to someone else. Every tim we let his brother or sister hold her they give her to his mom in about three minutes because she tells them to give her our daughter. I think it makes matters worse that we live 2 miles away from them. Thankfully I have my parents living two miles away as well and that have been phenomenal. My mil luckily does not stop by without asking but I think that would be different if she spoke English. I dread every single time that we go to visit. Sorry for the long vent but I have no idea what to do. My husband thinks I am overreacting on some issues and agrees with me on others. He has talked to his mom a lot about issues I have and I think it is a putting a stress on their relationship and I do believe that might be why he hasn't gotten so hesitant about talking to her about things. His mom was not a great mom when he was growing up and he is very careful about saying things that will upset her. I have had to send her lengthy texts about how I feel because that is the only way we can kind of communicate (his sister helps translate the text). I just need some serious advice on what to do and why she is acting like this or am I just overreacting?


Mommabird - posted on 12/11/2014




I used to have major issues with my MIL the first 2 years of our marriage. It caused alot of family drama and even put pressure on our marriage. I finally had enough and begged him to talk to her about her attitude towards me and her interference in our business. She ignored it and would only do it when he wasnt around. I never said anything out of order to her for two years about how she treated me until one day I had enough...I quit having my husband fight the battle for me and I spoke for myself for once. I wasnt rude or yelling, I simply told her " Im not going to listen to you complaining about everything I do or dont do, Im tired of being treated like dirt. I love you, but I will not be around you until you can be civil to me". When she realized that meant not seeing her grandchildren and her son she changed her behavior. (I didnt keep them from seeing her but my husband didnt think it was fair to leave me at home and take the kids to her house so if we didnt go as a family, noone went)
I agree with Sarah about the cultural thing. Theres nothing you can do to change her beliefs. And yes, you can ignore the little things and let her have her moments, but if its something important to you and your husband dont bite your tongue and be afraid to speak...just politely speak your peace and ask her to respect it :)

Sarah - posted on 12/11/2014




I don't think you are overreacting. I do think this a huge cultural difference. I am a nurse and in my early days I worked in labor and delivery. Oh Dios Mio! the mother in law! I do speak Spanish, but I often did not let on, and the MIL would talk about everything I did wrong!
If your hubby is not going to put his foot down, then you will have too.
That said, ask yourself "Do I want to fight this battle?" Pick the ones you feel strongly about. There are going to be things she does that you don't like but are part of her culture, and if they don't hurt your baby, maybe you can let her have her way now and then. When it comes to feeding and sleep safety, you are in charge! Many grandmas still want baby on their tummy to sleep, absolutely not. If she wants to hold her all of the time, maybe you don't like it but it does not compromise her safety.
If you say no to everything, you will both resent one another and you want your daughter to know and love her grandma. She is proud of her granddaughter, so let her post pictures of just the baby, unless you have a safety concern about publishing your daughter's picture.
I assume your husband is Latino? Maybe there are some ideas he can suggest that you'd be ok with, and you can go to her for help? That would make her feel more like a part of the baby's life. Good luck!


View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms