Angela - posted on 03/02/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )
My ex and I divorced almost three years ago when I found out he was having an affair (again) with a married woman he met through his job. The week her divorce was finalized, my kids were introduced to her (without my knowledge). My daughter knew who the woman was that they met and was very angry. She told her little brother, which really upset him. I put both kids in therapy to help them tolerate her and deal with their pain and anger. (Father was against this). How my kids found out about the marriage was awful. He picked them up for his weekend at the police station and as soon as they got in the truck, he told them he was married now and he lived with this woman. My daughter quickly started texting me, which was how I found out about his new living arrangements and that my kids were not spending the weekend at his (in her name) apartment.
Needless to say, it has been an up hill battle ever since. There is no respect toward me as their mother or custodial parent. Boundaries do not exist to them. She has attacked me with her car door. Cussed me out in a grocery store. She has admitted to him and her stalking me for the past 3 years, but has also reassured me that it has now stopped (yes, it takes a minute to sink in). I tried to contact her and get along with her like I do my oldest son's past two step-moms. Fail. Right off the bat, she started trying to control me. Asked daily questions regarding my kids and house, sent me a schedule to follow for my youngest son. Informed me that I had to keep her updated while my kids were with me and not them. Signed my son up for baseball, put herself down as main contact (not his father or myself), filled out dental and vision doctor forms (again she is above their father and I), and has quickly informed me any emails I send my ex. She will be the one responding.
Yes, I finally lost it. My 13 year old needs counseling. My ex and I fight, a lot. He hates me and has a lot of resentment towards me. He blames me for everything. The divorce and his affair are my fault. So needless to say, my kids are terrified when the two of us are around each other, even if it is a parking lot. So, I let her now I scheduled my daughters appointment. Period. The day of the appointment she sent me an email telling me my ex was going to be there. I tried, at first, to calmly explain that he didn't need to be there. She was already nervous and him being there would make her panic. Of course I was wrong and didn't know my daughter like she did. So 30 emails later, I snapped. But it didn't matter because the counselor told him what I had told her, so he wasn't there.
I decided to explain to her that he and I needed to start working on our communication. I was no longer dealing with her. She sent quite a few emails trying to convince me not to that her and I being friends was best for the kids and made them happy. I tried to explain that their father and I being friends would make them happy.
Now, I have emailed him regarding our daughter and she is responding as him.
Has anyone dealt with this before? I have dealt with 3 other step-moms. Boundaries are in place and there is respect. When I was the step mom to my ex's oldest child, I would have never gotten in the middle of their conversations, even the screaming ones. Not my place.
Any suggestions on how is the proper way to handle this? I have tried explaining that my personality (stubborn, hot-headed, and hard-headed) doesn't work well with her (overbearing, controlling, demanding, and clingy) Personality. That was seen as a jab. Please. Any suggestions, besides Jerry Springer, would be greatly appreciated!