Coping with a step-child when kids are not in your future

Denise - posted on 12/22/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I do not want children, my boyfriend of 2 years knows this, but for the past year i have been helping him with his son. His son only visits every other weekend, and we get along great, but i have no urge or want to 'be a parent' .. he isn't treated like the red-headed-step-child by any means, we are great buddies, but i am not excited about parenthood at all :( how do i learn to be excited about parenthood, what should i do?

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Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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Denise, from what I have read in the post you seem to be very taken with the child. That is all it takes to catch someone where the child is involved. Being the role model, treating them good, and just being there might be enough for him for now. There is no need to worry or rush into the parent role as yet. Take your time getting to know him and having fun with him. Get to know what things he likes a lot and focus on those even if its not something you are into (I have two kids seven years apart and the youngest a boy and trying to do things he liked was not easy because I had no clue as to how we would do things together but he got me interested in his favorite things and its worked fine). Find something the both of you are interested in and build on that. As the other ladies said, at some point things could change and he would be with you and his dad all the time. So if you find something to build a relationship on even if its just an activity at first; over time it would begin to build into something more. Earn his respect and trust. Treat him with those as well and you should be fine. Always discuss things with his dad if you are not sure how to handle them in such a way that is dad is not upset over it because if you talk things over it makes it better.

Jodi - posted on 12/22/2014

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I think you need to consider this scenario - the child's mother passes away and suddenly, you have this child on a full time basis. How do you feel about that? What about if the child decides, at the age of 12, he wants to live with dad? If you couldn't cope with those situations, then you need to walk away.

Ev - posted on 12/23/2014

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Denise, I offered this angle of things because my kids have had two step moms and in both cases the step moms did not do those things I suggested with them. These two women had kids as well. The current step mom has also had some kids with their father too. I hated to see their relationship with their step moms not work because it could have been someone extra they could have turned to if they had the need. Becoming part of a blended family takes a lot off work on all the parents' parts. And if the new person even if just a GF or BF does things just so, then it works for the best interest of the child. And now my kids do not have a good relationship with their dad because of all this. They are both adults now and its up to them and their dad to deal with it but I have seen it go down hill starting years ago. Just do the best you can and it should be fine. But you are going to have those rare moments that things will be out of sorts but if you work through it, it can be fine in the end too.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2014

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Denise, I agree with the others here. If this relationship is important to you, and you enjoy the time spent with the child, it's a great start! A lot of people decide that children aren't "for" them, but quite a few do change their minds! I'll tell you, I wouldn't trade mine for the world!

Personally, I know one woman who had her tubes tied when she was 20 because she didn't want kids. A few years after I worked with her, I ran into her out shopping...with a kiddo in tow! I (carefully) inquired, and she explained that, after she hit 30, and saw that she could provide a stable lifestyle, she realized that she did want kids, so she adopted. She thought previously that she didn't want to put kids through a potential life like she'd had, passed around to different relatives because her mother really wasn't interested in being a parent.

Good luck with everything!

Mommabird - posted on 12/22/2014

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When did you decide You didnt want children/ to be a parent? Before the 2 yr relationship or during?
If you truly WANT to" learn how to be excited about parenthood" you just do it. In my opinion, you dont just learn how to be a parent...you either feel it or you dont. Thats just me though. Some people may disagree.

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Denise - posted on 12/23/2014

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This is amazing to read, thank you! ...one day at a time is how i am taking things. i really appreciate this.

Denise - posted on 12/23/2014

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This really helped. We are off to a great start , i really make sure to let the son know i do care, i just feel more like an older sister or like an aunt to him. but the excitement isn't there yet.. :(

God brought us together for a reason and i will keep trooping on.

thank you!

Denise - posted on 12/22/2014

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I really love his father, we live together and are starting to plan our life together. I agree that he can't always be my buddy, I try my best to be a good role model and I do treat him very well, I just feel like I'm going through the parenting motions but on the inside I'm uninterested.

Denise - posted on 12/22/2014

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I'm 24, and my boyfriend is 30. I have known from a young age I have never wanted children, it's just a lifestyle I'm not interested in. I would never treat the child as if he is unwanted, We always have fun stuff planned, I'm just not excited about parenthood at all.

Denise - posted on 12/22/2014

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All of these posts are very helpful. Thank you all.

I'm 24, and my boyfriend is 30. I have known from a young age I have never wanted children, it's just a lifestyle I'm not interested in. I would never treat the child as if he is unwanted, We always have fun stuff planned, I'm just not excited about parenthood at all.

You ladies have amazing advice, please keep the comments coming. I just don't know anyone else in the same situation as myself, but maybe they were smart enough to get out :(

Michelle - posted on 12/22/2014

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I'm with the other ladies.
If you don't want children then find someone who doesn't have any children and doesn't want any.
There are many reasons why, down the track, he could be living with his Dad full time and you would be a parent to him. You can't keep being his "buddy".

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2014

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If you don't want children, why are you dating a man with kids?

No matter what, if you are with the child's father, you are thrown into a role of 'parent' in one form or another. The child looks to you for guidance, for comfort, for LOVE...

If you aren't capable of that, back out now. Before the kid gets attached.

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