Could he get joint custody!?

Shanel - posted on 11/02/2014 ( 18 moms have responded )

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So I had my daughter in 2012 and after my daughter was born I found out a lot of things about her dad(who I was still with). He had told me that he was a marine and I went to the marine recruiting place and found out that he never even made it to bootcamp. Then he had told me that his mom overdosed on drugs and died and then I found out that she is alive and I actually met her. He told me that his dad(who he was living with at the time) beat him as a kid and then he said that was a lie. Before I became pregnant he would tell me all these stories about being in Afghanistan and how he was paranoid when he came home and he would walk up and down the street with a crow bar at night. I mean this guy had story after story that sounded so real. Then he became what I like to call abusive. He would put his arms around my neck (knowing that I'm claustrophobic) and hold me there till I couldn't breath and I would freak out. He pushed me in my stomach multiple times when I was pregnant and he told me to abort my child because he wasn't ready to be a dad. He would throw things at me and yell at me. He then started with the name callings so there was a lot of put downs from him. So once I had found out all of his lies after my daughter was born I left him. He wanted me back but I would not take him back and then we didn't get along at all after that so I filed for full custody. We went to court and talked to a mediator and the mediator said that she thinks that I should have full legal and physical custody and that the dad should have third party visitation rights. My daughters dad agreed to it so I was granted full legal and physical custody. I told the judge that I didn't want child support. So his third party visitations have been at my house since then with my mother being the third party. Things between him and I got worse after that. We were always arguing and he would cuss at me and call me names in front of my daughter so he was asked to leave his visits many times. Then things got better and him and I decided to try and work things out for my daughter but he would never pay attention to her, only me. So I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and then it came out that he had a gf the whole time and from there things got really bad. He started threatening me that he will take me to court for joint custody. He started telling me that he wants to take my daughter from me so him, his gf and my daughter could be a family. Then little by little he stopped coming to a lot of his visits. He is scheduled for Mondays, wednesdays and fridays. He usually comes only once every 2 weeks. Then one day his gf started texting me from his phone. Then she started messaging me on fb and told me that she didn't give a fuck to be in my daughters life! And now my daughters dad has been blowing my daughter off a lot to be at raves with his gf and he is still threatening me with getting joint. I have everything written down about him in a notebook from him not showing up to the phone calls where he tries to argue and just everything! I now filed for child support and so he said he went and filed for joint custody so he won't have to pay. Even though he hardly comes around when he is supposed to, will they grant him with joint custody? He has a good job and I don't work. I have a college degree but I'm a stay at home mother. I live for my baby girl and I've been there for her since day one and he never has been. He puts clubbing, drinking, partying, friends and girls before her. What could happen in court?

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Dove - posted on 11/02/2014

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Keeping a notebook of when he does and doesn't show for visits and keeping a record of texts and such is actually good and will, most likely, help your case. Seeing as how he was awarded supervised visits before... and your mother can certainly testify to when he does and does not show up... it is unlikely that he will get joint custody, but there's no way to predict what a judge will decide. Keep up the documentation and get (if you don't have one) a good lawyer. Good luck!!

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Ev - posted on 11/06/2014

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Shanel,
As far as not getting child support and all each state has their own thing set up. But as far as joint custody goes it depends on the judge and how it would come about. He might get it for example but he might only have weekends and split the holidays and summer for instance but can have legal say in what happens to his child but it does not mean he gets out of child support. I do not know of a way he could since this is a single child in the case and not a pair of siblings that sometimes the judges do let live so many to each parent but most judges do not like to split the kids up. The only way he would get no support payments to you is if he was making as much money as you, had himself set up to care for a child at least half the time and so on. But that is the only way I can see that. You need a lawyer to tell you what is what.

Sarah - posted on 11/06/2014

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I should have been more articulate. I did not mean to say remove your daughter from her fathers life, but rather to stop trying to "fix" things between the two of you. You two did not start out on a healthy note and you say he seems disinterested in seeing his daughter. So why waste your time? If he wants to see her, of course he should. I did not mean to suggest you break the law, but stop adding fuel to the fire. Yes, you are entitled to support and yes he might get joint custody. But the communication and negotiating should be done through your attorney, court mediator or other neutral third party. Get yourself out of his mess, stop face-booking, texting and contacting him and let the courts do the rest.

Shanel - posted on 11/06/2014

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Thanks to everyone that replied, I appreciate it but I'm not trying to take his child from him for not paying child support. I haven't even started to receive it yet. It takes months to get it. He wants joint custody because he doesn't want to pay child support. And I do not keep my daughter from him. He has his days to see her and if he doesn't come then he is the one choosing to not see her it isn't me. I will go through the courts because I know the comsequences of not following the court order. But I tell him to not call my phone or text me anymore because all he does is argue with me so I avoid the calls and most texts from him now. I was advised by a cop whom I filed my police report against him with to write everything down in a notebook with dates so it must be good to have.

Dove - posted on 11/06/2014

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If he has a court order for visitation... even if he is not upholding her end... and she just cuts him out of the kid's life completely... if he does go to court he COULD get joint custody... or even full custody. Courts don't like it when either party violates their court orders. She can certainly take him back to court and try and reduce allowed visitations, but if she takes it upon herself to wipe him out of the child's life while there is a current court order allowing visitation... that is a very, very stupid move.

Ev - posted on 11/05/2014

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Sarah--

I do get your point but he does have a right to know his child and his child to know him. It does not matter how either be it supervised or what have you. As long as there is no documented proof such as criminal reports, arrest records, and court action to go with those there is not much one can do to prove that outside the dates and times given and information as to what happened. He is also obligated to pay for support too. But that does not mean if he chose not to pay he can not see his child as they are separate issues. I think that she needs to do what she needs to. The only option she has left to legally keep him away is to have him agree to sign his rights to his child over.

Sarah - posted on 11/05/2014

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If you don't want support, and you find him to be a negative influence, then cut bait and eliminate him from your life. If he tries to get visitation, You have text, email, and Facebook evidence to present to the judge. I wonder why you are wasting any time or energy on this guy? One who lies, abuses, and is already in another relationship? Get out and be done.

Dove - posted on 11/04/2014

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James... this is a site for mothers so shut up and go away if you are going to attack anyone here. You don't belong here... Shanel does.

Shanel - posted on 11/04/2014

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James I didn't say that I went to the boot camp I said that I went to the recruiting place which I did and they told me that he didnt make it to boot camp. I'm not telling lies at all. It is all in our court papers and he admitted everything to the court. I tried and tried to get him to see his daughter but he rather be elsewhere so anything negative that you have to say just save it because his actions prove everything. I am not a bitch and if there is something psychologically wrong with him then it's damn straight that I don't want him having any kind of custody. He has grabbed my daughter hard by her arm multiple times and he started yelling at her when she was 3 months old. And when he stopped coming to his visits a lot I told him that if it is more comfortable for him to go through an angency to see our daughter that I will schedule the visits with them and he told me no. So actually I'm the one who tries, he doesn't!

James - posted on 11/04/2014

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I thought you were half full of shit. I am a marine and you can not just go to a boot camp yourself and ask if someone ever joined. Then I read, "Then he became what I like to call abusive." that just sounds like everything you said after that is a lie.

We are only hearing your side of things and I already caught you in a lie so what you say after that is irrelevant and most likely a lie.

last but most important you are a bitch to take a man's child away if he's never hurt the child. He is her father and will always have the right to see her. If this man agreed to let your mother be a third party then he was trying, cause I would have argued and fought till I got a court appointed third party.

Your statements are shit and so are your lies.

Christopher - posted on 11/03/2014

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From what you said about telling stories, it almost sounds like it would be necessary for him to undergo a mental health evaluation and maybe some treatment. I am a father who slightly understands issues of mental illness by the other parent, and it is not an easy road. Without him straightening his life-style, seeking any treatment he needs, and maintaining a constant and consistent relationship with you and daughter, than I couldn't imagine a judge handing over custody to him.
An attorney will help you organize your notes and put them into legal perspective for presenting what you witnessed to the judge.
Stand your ground and never be discouraged.

Erin - posted on 11/03/2014

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I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. These situations are never easy. Good lawyers seem to help a lot. I hope the best for you and your daughter. Hang in there!

Guest - posted on 11/03/2014

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Dove is right, text messages, recordings, and emails will stand up very strongly in court. I didn't realize you had those things from the original post.
It is odd they wouldn't give you a copy of the contempt charges you filed against him. You should have gotten a copy when you originally filed them after he missed each visitation, but just like the other police report, you should be able to get another copy at any time for a small fee.

Of course, it does work different in every state....

Shanel - posted on 11/02/2014

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Well he was court ordered to get a mental evaluation and take all these classes because they believed there was something psychologically wrong with him and he never did it and I made a police report on him for holding my daughter and I hostage in his car. And then the police officer told me to write everything about him down. And he told me that I can get the report anytime I needed it for court. I have all the text messages from him saved that I believe will do me good in court and I have pictures of him dressed like a marine. I even have messages of him telling me that he doesn't want my daughter and that if the judge sides with me that he will be fine with it and move on. I believed that because he would leave out of town saying he had drill.

Shanel - posted on 11/02/2014

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And I tried getting papers from the court from him missing so much of his visits and the lady would not let me get the papers. She told me "there is nothing that you could do about it, it's court ordered".

Guest - posted on 11/02/2014

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Having notes written in a notebook is not going to stand as evidence in court. I am assuming that you filed contempt of court order charges against him each time he missed visitations. Those charges will be sufficient evidence in court for the judge to consider a more limited arrangement than joint custody.

I also assume you wouldn't sleep with a man and decide to begin a family with him without first checking out his background. If he told you he was a marine and falsified or forged legal documents to make you believe that, or somehow falsified or forged his background check, he can be charged criminally for those offences. As far as the lies about his mother and father go, that is pretty much par for the course--most people lie about who they are. You just have to be vigilant about checking stories if the content matters to you.

So, based on the evidence you mentioned in your post, there is a good chance he could get joint custody, because most of what you mentioned can't be proven, and because joint custody is usually considered the best option for the child. That said, if you have good evidence to support your argument that he should continue 3rd party visitation only, the judge will most likely consider it and try to come up with a good compromise.

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