Could you be a surrogate mother?

Denise - posted on 08/25/2011 ( 67 moms have responded )

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My best friend is having a hard time getting pregnant, and her husband jokingly asked me (since I seem to be super fertile) if I would be a surrogate mother for them. His question got me to thinking would I be able to do something like that? I don't think I could. Has anyone ever done that or consider doing it?

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Deanne - posted on 08/27/2011

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Hi. Yes, I have done two surogacies already! A girl in 2002 & a boy in 2007. I have 4 children of my own and loved being able to help out a couple who needed it. And, yes, I did get a little attached to the babies, but knowing before I started that the little one wasnt to be mine helped me to hand them over. Would definitely do it again...

Shara - posted on 08/28/2011

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Why not..... if u are answering no already, than no I don't think u could..... only a certain amount of people and it takes a special kind of person to be able to do it.... but I am 8 weeks pregnant right now, and I am a surrogate for a couple...... loving it!!!

Jacque - posted on 08/27/2011

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I'm about to be a gestational surrogate for my best friend and her husband. My husband and I have 3 kids and are done now. I am really excited to do this for them. They've tried for years to have another child (their daughter just turned 15) and I know it will be a blessing for all of us. We did TONS of research online and even went to an infertility conference before making the decision to move forward. I know there's going to be a lot of high emotions and probably some tears; but the result will be worth it for meand them. I think it may be a little easier for me being able to watch the (potential) child grow up with his or her parents. I will forever be connected with my friends regardless of the surrogacy thing...all the more so now! Hope this helps.

Carmina - posted on 08/25/2011

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i definetly could not, i would be far too attatched. unless it was maaaybe for one of my sisters... it could not be done as bad as that sounds!

Kelly - posted on 09/06/2011

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Absolutely...I see a lot of responses about giving a baby away...90 recent of the time the surrogate is not the biological mother...I would do it Ina heartbeat! Being a mother is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me...I would love to help bring that happiness to someone else!

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Amparo - posted on 03/30/2012

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My cousin has been a surrogate. She had a baby for a couple that live outside of the country. It was a beautiful experience and she loved doing it for them. Their baby was born last year. She recently became pregnany again with their second baby, but unfortnately lost the pregnancy. A child is a gift, no matter how it comes into this world. That being said, pregnancy is not always easy and things can happen. So if the surrogate wants to ask for compensation for the trouble she goes through, that is her perrogative. True still, if the worst were to happen, and she lost her life it is only right that her family be compensated. To imply that a surrogate is only in it for the money is wrong. It takes a strong, loving woman to do something like that. I am excited to have that wonderful experience.

Chantal - posted on 03/30/2012

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I could do it, especially if it was my friend or family... Although I would very much prefer for the egg and sperm to be from the family I was growing the baby for (but it is not a deal breaker otherwise). I have had great pregnancies so far no bad symptoms at all, I am healthy, and young therefore I was actually thinking of doing this for money...but it is not alot of money, so I would need a better reason, thats why I would say I would do it for a friend or family member and I wouldn't charge them anything because it's not about the money at all, its about giving someone deserving a beautiful new life...why not help somebody who needs you, it seems unfair and selfish to withhold something like that...

Laurie - posted on 03/28/2012

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I'm Looking for a Gestational surrogate(mine & My husbands biologically), but a volunteer. A lot of women that want to do it, call an agency, which makes the agency the most money, therefore people that don't have 40-60K to spend end up not being able to have their child. I have 2 great kids, but I cant carry another, we are approved to use surrogate in Calgary Alberta(which it isn't easy to get approved). I was critically ill with severe HELLP syndrome and spent 2 weeks in ICU post pregnancy. My son stayed 1 month. Its just a pregnancy syndrome, doesn't affect me know.

The total cost without compensating the surrogate is about 22 thousand, with the egg harvesting, medication and of course the necessary Lawyer fees( that takes a considerable junk of that total, 6K). Anyway, 95% of women are being surrogates for Money, they cover it up saying there is expenses, etc. I understand when they want to be paid, but what I don't understand is when they want 22-30K and want to say "id love to give you the "Gift" of a child". I just think everyone needs to be honest, If your doing it as a calling or a real want to help someone, its a Gift. If you want 22-30K its a womb for rent. Please pass this around thanks! http://surrogate.yolasite.com

Amparo - posted on 03/05/2012

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I want to be a surrogate. I have to lose some weight, then I plan to look into it. I have three beautifully, healthy children and I know what a joy they are! Even when they are trying my patience to the end of it's level! So if I am able to give that gift to someone that can not have their own, I see that as a blessing. Children are our greatest joy, and everyone that wants one, and is able to provide for them, deserves to have one. If I can do that for someone, then I am going to work hard at doing it!

Rachel - posted on 09/09/2011

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Thank You very much Diana,
That means a lot... I appreciated everyones different perspectives on the subject. Women are extremely passionate about not only our bodies but also the children and love we make from them (rightfully so) So I knew right off the bat even from reading this question - this was going to be an interesting discussion. :) So again thank you.

Diana - posted on 09/09/2011

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To Rachel King, I think that is the nicest way that I've ever heard it put. While I still don't know that being a surrogate is something that I could do, you really gave it a unique perspective on it that I hadn't considered. Going in to it knowing that you are just protecting and looking after the baby until it can go home to it's mother is the nicest way I've ever heard it said. :)

Heather - posted on 09/06/2011

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Carol, having a baby does create a strong bond. Just because the bond is there, doesn't mean that breast feeding has to be done. I had a VERY strong bond with all three of my pregnancies (the first I lost). Due to some medical conditions, I was not able to breastfeed either of my two daughters and as saddened as I was to not breastfeed them, had I not given them formula, they would not have survived. Like you, I do believe in God and the power of prayer, but it is not known if this friend is a believer. Suggesting prayer and beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ needs to be done carefully and respectfully if this person is a nonbeliever. If that is the case, what a great way to begin to gently and respectfully share the Gospel of what our Lord has done for us.

Heather - posted on 09/06/2011

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I would LOVE to do that for a family. But, due to my age, I'm not able to do so (I'm over 40.) I also have infertility issues and have had to go through IVF for 3 pregnancies.

Diana - posted on 09/06/2011

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I would do it. My best friend cannot conceive. She and her husband are heartbroken. They would be excellent parents. My heart breaks for them. I have had 4 healthy (and enjoyable) pregnancies, and I told her that if she could pay for the medical part of it, I was ready. They have decided to foster and probably adopt, but knowing that they had that option helped them so much. Mind you, there are very few people I would do that for.

Desiree - posted on 09/06/2011

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I was a surrogate and it was and awesome experience. I didn't know the parents prior to meeting them through a surrogate agency. When we met we just knew it was going to be wonderful! There were some medical complications and the baby was 9 weeks early but we both made it through perfectly. He's 13 and knows that I am his birth mom. We get together about once a year. I was a single mom and my daughters (they were 4 and 6 at the time) understood - as much as they could - what was going on. It's been a great experience. The one thing that made it work for us is that I was clear from day one that it was not my child, it was their child.

Good luck if you choose to do it!

Trisha - posted on 09/06/2011

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I most definitely would for a family member or close friend. Not too sure if I could do it for a stranger. I have had 3 children and thank god my labors where short and all kids came before due dates just not too early. Like only 1 - 2 weeks so all was good.

Denise - posted on 09/06/2011

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I am surprised and touched by how many of you ladies would be so willing to so this and who have actually been surrogate mothers. It really is such a huge responsibility and after reading the responses I am able to look at things a little differently. I still can't say that I would jump at the idea but I am a little more open to serious consideration. To Donna I think it was one of those half joke/half serious jokes probably to put it out there or just to see my initial reaction to the idea, but he defiantly was not joking about having a child and does not take this lightly at all.

Karen - posted on 09/06/2011

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I have wanted to do it for years but I have been on a med that I willing to go off of to be a surrogate but they all say no. Its frustrating because I do understand what it is like to want kids and not be able to get preg for years.

Donna - posted on 09/06/2011

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Wonder if he was really joking because I don't think that is something you joke about.A child is a gift from God not a joke and a life time commitment.I would never give up my child.

User - posted on 09/06/2011

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I have considered it - especially before my daughter - I tend to be money motivated though. After my daughter I go back and forth. If I ever decided to do it - I decided it could not be my egg, etc - it would need to be their egg/sperm implanted as they do both if you didnt know some use your egg and some use theirs --- lots to think about

Rachel - posted on 09/01/2011

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And see, I don't really look at it as "giving the baby away" I couldn't ever (and I repeat EVER) give MY child away - nor could I ever end a pregnancy (not intended as disrespectful to anyone!) It's a certain frame of mind - It's not your child... but you are giving this child the chance to be alive and happy in a home where THEIR mother wants them. To me at least, it's a gift, yes it's a child, an extremely precious gift & an extremely precious child - but it's not mine - and although I am carrying that child inside me for 37 to 40+ weeks.... the gift needs to be given to their actual mother - they were safe with me... now they get to go home.
The other good thing about the process is that it isn't like you're having children to give to children... ya know, these are women who have nearly lost hope of doing the one thing that nature is telling them they can't do... it's extremely costly - so you know that those who may need your help - are serious about having this child, loving and caring just as you would...
And for the record... I don't work for an agency, I'm not a mother who couldn't bare my children - shoot I had a set of twins my first go... lol. That's just my take and my experience. I would do that for another. But then - I'd help anyone out who deserved it!

Mikki Buman - posted on 08/31/2011

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My first instinct is probably not! But, I guess, as long as your were friends and you were involved in the child's life and you were the godmother, it might be feasible. I don't know,though, that's a toughy.

Sherri - posted on 08/29/2011

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@Carol it wouldn't be your baby though not your eggs or your sperm. Also babies do not need breastfeeding to thrive. Children thrive just as well with bottles and formula.

Carol - posted on 08/28/2011

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Carrying a baby brings about a strong bond. Giving it up right after birth would also mean not breastfeeding. I would not do it. I would suggest to the friend that she see a naturopath for physical help, and also pray and trust God for the right thing to happen in her life. My daughter tried for a year to conceive, and did not do so till a naturopath got her hormones back in balance and fixed a gall bladder issue.

Deanne - posted on 08/28/2011

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When I was first starting out, I found a website that was really helpful. They have articles that explain a lot, recent news and updates regarding surrogacy and even have classifieds for parents looking for surrogates, surros looking for families to help and even other services like adoptions. Its www.suromomsonline.com and its a pretty cool website!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/28/2011

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I am actually currently considering it. My BIL and SIL are having a really difficult time conceiving for the past 3 years or more. They have conceived 1 time and miscarried. I have been actually thinking about it for a while. I have approached my BIL about it, when they thought they were having a baby. He was beside himself that I would even think about it.

The thing is, I have pretty hard pregnancies. Not hospitalization, but very painful varicose veins, Seperated Symphysis Pubis (which gets worse with each pregnancy) and other things. So, I would love to do it for them, but I would definitely suffer.

Krista - posted on 08/28/2011

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I think the only way in which I could be a surrogate would be if it was for a close family member, like a sibling, where I would still be a major part of that child's life. Otherwise, I couldn't. I'd get too attached while carrying the baby, and it would break my heart to never see him/her again.

Lori - posted on 08/28/2011

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If I were single and in college, I could. Not now after having started my own family though. Seems that there are a ton of women looking to be surrogates. I'll bet they could use a service to find someone.

Sherri - posted on 08/28/2011

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Trust me I have three great friends that have adopted. One had 5 kids already naturally. So I know 100% the process, and kids who are up for adoption and a lot of the reasons why.

However, adoption doesn't always stop the need or want to have a biological child of your own and just because you can't have one naturally without interventions IE fertility or surrogacy. isn't to say they shouldn't. Plus it takes a very special individual to be able to adopt. I personally am not one of these people I could never love an adopted child like I love my own biological children and I know this. Hence why I could and never would entertain the idea of adoption it would never be fair to that child.

Amy - posted on 08/28/2011

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Sherri, I know it can be difficult; however, I know many people who have adopted children that did not have issues. I can understand not wanting to sign up for a problem child, but imagine being a kid who maybe lost their parents in an accident that just wants a family or a young girl who's pregnant that does not have issues that would like her baby to go to a good family that can provide a good life. Just something else to consider. : )

Sherri - posted on 08/28/2011

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Yes Amy but try adopting an infant or a child that doesn't have some sort of damage done or medical issues and you will find how difficult that is to do.

Amy - posted on 08/28/2011

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If for whatever reason you cannot have a child there is a reason for it. Personally, I could not be a surrogate because I feel it is a selfish thing to put someone else through. Meaning that it becomes all about the selfish wants of the person seeking a surrogate. There are so many wonderful kids that are currently in existence that through no fault of their own need a loving and supportive family to belong to. Adoption is a wonderful and selfless gift. If it is about truly wanting to become a parent, consider providing a family for a child without one.

Pamela - posted on 08/28/2011

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I am one who is easily attached and therefore would find it difficult to release a child that has grown within my own body. However, for a woman who can offer such a gift to others, I applaud her ability to love unconditionally.

My own feelings about this are that if one cannot have children, then for whatever DIVINE reason, they are not suppose to. There are so many ways to parent if the urge is felt and the fact that people feel it must be their sperm and egg to be acceptable would make me wonder about their true ability to parent. Why? Because such a thought smacks of selfishness......it must be "my" sperm or "my" egg in order for me to be a real parent. Not so. Parenting has less to do with genes and more to do with the ability to love, respect, give affection, guidance and protection, than it does with sperm and eggs and who they belong to.

Sarah - posted on 08/28/2011

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I have been a surrogate for my sister-in-law it was an amazing experience. It created a wonderful to my sister-in-law. Our extended family has become so much closer because of it. So yes I could do it for a really close friend. It is really about your mind set going into the process knowing that the baby isn't yours you are just the "oven"

Melissa - posted on 08/28/2011

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I am looking for someone to be a surrogate for me in a few years from now. I have two children of my own already. I have two boys ages 11 and 4. I will be getting married in the next couple of years to the man of my dreams and we want to have a child together. I had to make a life threatening decision to get my uterus removed or else bleed to death. I still have my ovaries but no uterus. I have always wanted more than two children and it hurts so bad knowing that I could never have another child. If they did uterus transplants, I would be the first in line to get one. I am just starting out with the whole learning process of surrogate mothers. It is a very scary process for me with not knowing the person that I will have to put my trust in with carrying my child for 9 months and then handing my child over to me. How many people out there would be willing to be a surrogate? My future husband is very scared to do this because he thinks that the surrogate could keep the baby if they wanted to. I am not sure how all of this works yet but if someone can throw me some direction towars all of this, it will definetly be helpful.

Sabrina - posted on 08/28/2011

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I am glad that you all are honest about NOT being able to become a surrogate. I would rather know that you couldn't separate yourself than to think that you would go thru all the process and not give up the baby. That is ok that you wouldn't do it. But Kudos to those who could! :)

Rebecca - posted on 08/28/2011

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NO way. Pregnancy really sucks for me. I'm expecting my second and I don't think I could handle another 1! :( plus yes I would feel like I'm giving the baby for adoption even though it's really not my biological child

Tullina - posted on 08/27/2011

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I am very blessed. My family expanded not just by one, but by 4. My TS, her hubby and her daughter, as well as my son. It's a wonderful thing.

Jennifer - posted on 08/27/2011

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I think it would be a wonderful gift, and would never think bad of a woman who would do it, but I personally could not.

Kerry - posted on 08/27/2011

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I was a surrogate for my sister. If you will be okay taking shots for three months, filling out 30 pages worth of legal contracts, filling that baby grow inside you, connecting with it and knowing that you will be seperated from it by death or giving it up to it's rightful parents, go ahead. Are they willing to spend money on your clothes, medical insurance, life insurance, babysitting, whatever you need for a child before it is even born?
My sister was. I have three children of my own. I thought I was so fertile and finished having my own kids I offered to be her surrogate. My sister and I went to the fertility Dr. about every two weeks for months. She gave me shots in the tush every day. My sister had her eggs removed and fertilized with my Bro. in Laws sperm. Three days later, my sister and I went to have the ten good embryos implanted. We stayed in a nice hotel for three days because I was then on bed rest and could not even shower so the embryos could attach to womb. Then I was pregnant. Yeah! Things were great for a few months. One night I was bleeding and rushed to the ER. From then on I was on bedrest. I bled for weeks. I stayed with my parents, and my sister took care of my kids, my husband worked. They tried to relieve any stress from my life. Five weeks later something felt like more than a little blood. My water broke. My sister rushed me to the Hospital. They chances were not good for the baby or myself. I was induced and delivered (at 18 weeks) that beautiful little girl still birth a day later.
Not all stories are like this. That was mine. You just might need to consider it could turn out so wonderful with a healthy crying baby or, empty arms and tears. I never imagined it would end this way. Good luck to you. It is a lot to think about.

Carmina - posted on 08/27/2011

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this is such a beautiful topic. so amazing to hear how many woman would do it and blessings to those who have!
Tullina thats so wonderful you are so lucky :)

Tullina - posted on 08/27/2011

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I am a mother to a vivacious 2 yr old thanks to an amazing surrogate mother! It is the most wonderful gift a person can give to another person but it is probably one of the hardest things to go through as well. If you've never done it, you absolutely do not know how you will feel during it. It takes a very special person to be a surrogate as you have to be able to know 100% that you can follow through even if you end up not wanting to. GS, where the egg is the intended mother's (or a donor's) can be easier on most due to the non-biological factor, but you have to go through a whole heck of a lot of drugs and protocol. TS, (where you are the egg donor and carrier) is so much easier on the journey and your body, but could potentially be much harder emotionally.
My surrogate was my TS, the biological mother to my son. We built the best relationship during our journey and consider ourselves sisters now. She wanted to do this for a long time and chose me to help. I'm her one and only intended mother and we had a beautiful pregnancy. She has always thought of my son as her nephew and feels no maternal bond toward him. This is what makes surrogacy so special. We still have a great family relationship and I send her pictures all the time. We talk on the phone and he knows her as his aunt. When he gets a little older, we'll be able to explain the journey to him and transition him to know how he came to be.

Deanne - posted on 08/27/2011

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to add to this, let me say that I would never use my own egg. Because, then it would be "mine" and I would not give up "my" baby. So, what I did is called gestational surrogacy. And, doing a surrogacy does not preclude a woman from having more of her own children. I had my 3rd child after my first surrogacy, and my fourth baby came after my second surogacy. So, if you decide to do it, good luck!

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I could not do it. If I carry a baby... it's mine, even if it's 'not', so there's no way I could handle giving him/her up.

My brother once asked me if I could do it for him and his wife and I considered it for about 10 seconds before I KNEW it wasn't something I could do.

Jeanette - posted on 08/27/2011

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I could do it, I know it would be really hard at tumes and super emotional I could imagine. I have 3 of my own and I think of that often for an amazing couple from our church who cannot get pregnant, how cool it would be to help. I know it has its ups and downs but what a gift to give them. They will be such great parents. They talk about adopting down the road it they still haven't.

Joanna - posted on 08/27/2011

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I considered it when I was younger before I had kids. I would love to give that gift to someone. The problem was I didn't have kids of my own and they were hesitant to use someone without a proven history I guess. I would only have done it with someone else's eggs, not the AI version. Though most wanted a biological child anyway and if they couldn't use the womans eggs they would often use a donor different than the surrogate, anyway for some reason. so the baby is not biologically related to you. Now that I have two kids, I would love to do it, but unfortuately now I am too old. They want young women, not 40 year olds. so my chance to help to someone is passed due to my own life circumstances and that I didn't have my own kids until later. But yes, I could and would do it.

Rachel - posted on 08/27/2011

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I have actually posted a profile on a specific site that for others looking for surrogates. I would do it for another... The worst thing a woman can hear is I'm sorry but you'll not be able to have a child - it's like you take our most instinctive virtue away from us. I had a set of twins with my first and only pregnancy... and couldn't imagine having absolutely no option to have my "own" children... I feel that as an option I'm not the mother - I am the home for the precious child to grow and be nurtured in - and then once the child/children - are ready to welcome the world - they get to go with their amazing family...
It's an extremely controversal thing and I get it... however - as many things with my body are my choice... so is this... and the gift to another family is outstandingly priceless!
BEST of luck with you and your friend!

Jen - posted on 08/27/2011

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My sister got pretty sick in HS and it became an issue that she might not be able to have children. I have told her for over 10 years that when her and her husband decide they want to have kids, I would willingly be a surrogate. However, it seems that the doctors believe she can have kids herself (YAY). I don't think I could do it for complete strangers, but for people I know, love and am extremely close to, I think I could do it. I know the child would be safe and raised in a healthy, loving environment and I love being a mom and wouldn't want those I love to miss out on the opportunity to be parents.

Alysha - posted on 08/27/2011

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I am actually seriously considering it. I have my application about 90% complete... just giving myself a few days to make sure I am ready for the process! I think it would be such an amazing gift, and if you take on the right mind set from the beginning (knowing it really is someone elses child you are taking care of) I think it could be amazing!

Keneda - posted on 08/27/2011

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I think I'd be able to do it. As long as the person im having the baby for is either a close family member or someone I don't know at all. I've been told that its really hard to detatch from the baby when the person is a friend. it'd be interesting though if the child grew up knowing that he/she has 2 mommies

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