Counseling teen daughter in relationship

Charlotte - posted on 05/20/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My 15 year old daughter has been in a relationship for 2 months. The young man is 16. He plays 3 sports and is very academic. My daughter is equally busy in performing arts. Over the last couple of weeks he was very busy finishing up Lacrosse season and bringing up some if his grades before finals. My daughter assured him that she was "not a needy girlfriend" and could put up with the lack of attention and texting that her other friends offer her. Long story short she has been getting a lot if attention from a couple if other boys and now that the school year is finished and her boyfriend is excited to spend time with her she is ready to move on! I am so frustrated with her, this could be devastating for him. I am especially sensitive because I have an older son who is also high achieving and he has had his heart crushed with similar timing. She has not broken up with him yet and I have encouraged her to give it about a week of doing the fun things together they enjoyed before all of this. Any suggestions?

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Rebekah - posted on 05/20/2014

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She is only 15, and it sounds like her mind is already made up. She does not need to commit to anything serious or exclusive right now... she may not be ready, or even know what she wants. While she shouldn't toy with anyone, if she sincerely has decided that this boy is not a match for her right now, then let it be. She should end it so that he can move on and find someone who is better suited for him, someone who wants to actually be with him. If she decides later that she misses him, or made a mistake, then that's her mistake to make and learn from.

If you want her to learn sensitivity in dealing with these relationships, she will learn it through experiencing it herself and hopefully through witnessing her brother's experience. its ok for her to find her way in these things... as long as she isn't being deliberately hurtful or self-serving. I don't know how helpful it is to try to direct her behavior in this, but definitely be there for her to process things if she is looking for feedback and support.

Lora - posted on 05/20/2014

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Sheesh that's a tough one. I think the other mom said it best tho. She will learn thru experience however u should tell her ur feelings on the topic! Don't let her know u condone her treatment of his feelings that way! That shows you are a concerned mother yet are giving her the space to make the decision and recognize ur control over the situation (which is non sadly lol). You should explain to her that is amazing she isn't ready to settle and can recognize what she doesn't want but there are responsibilities with that. Including not stringing people along for your own needs and kicking them to the curb when u have been fulfilled emotionally. Tell her never burn a bridge because his friendship might be more valuable than the actual bg/gf relationship! But ultimately she has to make the decision. Oh the joys of parenthood

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Tanya - posted on 05/22/2014

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OMG!

She's 15... why are you trying to tie her down...because he older brother had a heart break. Why are you frustrated... it doesn't make sense she is 15...

Good for her! She knows what she wants and is extremely confidant! Let her date as many guys as she wants, I don't mean in terms of sex but let her have fun... when she meets the right guy she will settle down...hopefully after University...

My mom had no idea who I dated and what I did... I was a high achiever, cheerleading in college, traveled and did everything I had to do before marrying the best man ever! A successful attorney!!!

Why are you trying to solve her problems... this is teenage stuff... I hope my daughter doesn't settle and ruin her summer for 1 guy.

Good Luck!

Lora - posted on 05/20/2014

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It's hard to remain friends with someone if u have dated. But he sounds like a good guy from what u have said. I think he likes her friendship if he is willing to not be jealous and all of that. That is good that ur daughter recognizes she is easily influenced hopefully that will help her pay attention. Unfortunately if she burns thay bridge she might learn and regret it and not make the same mistake again. Altho lord knows how us women do haha. She sounds smart so I wouldn't be too worried about her. It's good to keep your options open like that but you can't date and then go behind his back and date around. As long as she is honest with the guy I think he might be hurt for a while but because he will respect her honesty he might be more open to a friendship. I had to learn the hard way people have their own agendas. My mom didn't tall about girl stuff with me so everything I learned the hard way. I think ur daughter is ahead of the game the way it sounds so just have to put ur trust in her now. U raised her how u felt was necessary and gave her those skills now u just have to let her use them and pick her up if she makes a mistake. It's like riding a bike. She might get a few scratches but u always gotta be there to spot her!

Charlotte - posted on 05/20/2014

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I am concerned that she will burn a bridge of a really good friend and supporter. She has listened to a lot of chatter from others who have their own agendas. My daughter has shared a lot with me but lately I feel like it is more about what I think she wants me to hear. I fear that she is being pulled into what seems like an exciting summer. I have told her how I feel and she has said that she knows she is easily influenced by others. Good news is that she has asked the two boys who have been texting and snap chatting her to stop until she figures out the relationship she is in. Apparently they have. Any suggestions on how best for her to remain friends with him? Is it possible?

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