Keona - posted on 11/22/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )
Hello Everyone! I am in a serious interracial relationship with my boyfriend, JB, who has a 4 year old, CB, soon to be five. We have been talking a lot about marriage, other children, and the land where our future home will sit is already underway (although is right up the street from his parents). I love his son as if he was mine. I get up to take him to daycare in the mornings or to his "Nanna's" when I'm going to work. I take him to the park, to the grocery store, and other places by myself while my boyfriend is working hard. A lot of times when my boyfriend is at home he still wants to hangout with just me. I think its so sweet.
CB's mom and dad are divorced and she's moved on with another guy. His mom now has a child by this guy and plan on growing their family even more. From the beginning as an outsider I noticed that there was a lack of interest on CB's mom's part with having him during her time of shared custody. She even "called out" of being with him on several occasions do to an emergency but social media would prove otherwise.
The main thing is JB and I both are southerns but we have two different cultural backgrounds. Where I grew up the church community (village) raised the child outside of what the parents did if the parents were busy or doing another task. The child would know to respect and obey it's elder's or those older than them. If the child didn't listen a time out was given and the bad behavior or whatever the child did was then reported to the parents for them to discipline the child. When I was younger, IF the parent gave permission the "villagers" was able to lightly spank the child within reasonable means. Again that was IF the parent GAVE permission.
With JB's family its just the internal family or the parents themselves that mainly REWARD AND DISCIPLINE the child. There are things that I definitely don't agree with that I run by him and then he'll make a decision of what to do. Culturally, there are things that does not make sense universally with others within my culture but I try not to make generalizations or stereotypes about his parenting methods. For example when I see a kid throwing a fit in a store saying they want this and that, "falling out" on the floor, and screaming to the top of their lungs as if someone is really hurting them, JB and I have similar and different issues on the matter. As southerners we both believe the child needs a belt or switch but for him there have been times when he's spank CB and still got him something out the store whether it was what he actually wanted or not. I don't agree with that. Me on the other hand, a long with thousands of other parents within my culture would AGREE that if a couple of us had seen a child acting like that in a store, we more than likely would've acknowledge the other with some type of head nod or face that would have meant, " I WISH my child WOULD act this way up in here" or "WHAT THAT CHILD NEEDS IS THEY'RE____ WHOOPED." For some reason as well in my culture, when a child is with they're parent and they see another child act up (in same culture or not) the child looks at the one acting up thinking " You better stop or you're going to get it" or "I'm not about to act up, I want some candy (toy)." The parent will also look at their child and give a look like "IF you do this, you already know what's going to happening."
For some of you some of this might be a little too much but to others like myself its everyday life. I'm just trying to learn how to be a parent and I guess "my place" as I transition roles. CB is very very very spoiled and sometimes I think he's the baddest little kid I've ever met. Other times he's the sweetest and gives me lots of hugs and kisses, he helps me clean, he'll be helpful to other kids, etc.
Keeping what said in mind I need some advice about a couple of things:
- Being future step parent
- Being a future step parent of a child from another race
- Knowing what's ok and what's not from a mother's point of view
- Interracial suggestions that work for the whole family