Jessica - posted on 12/18/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )
Watch that all the way through, then tell me what YOU think. If you need to, check the numbers but please be mindful, I kept badge numbers out due to the fact I do not want any harm to come to the officers in uniform or out. People could use badge numbers to find them or something and I have heard stories or people losing jobs over facing off things like this.
I am a college student, estranged from my husband due to domestic abuse(from his end), and believe in a gentle hand and a firm word when needed though I am unsure about the spanking debate, it is certainly not something I favor, that is for sure. I am currently trying to get off of public assist and get an hourly job(I actually work as a phone psychic reading tarot). I am very religious and a second degree in my chosen path. After I was informed about parenting classes(which was not told to me until I actually got the worker on the phone while recording and informed her of such, and yes, I record my calls and have caught slip ups, I also document everything, save everything from this and related things, and basically, if my public defender gave a shit her case is neatly put together FOR her because of it).
I believe those who stand by and watch are just as evil as those who do the deeds themselves. Their is no such thing as good people who do nothing, I say this as a child who was heavily abused. I blog on YouTube, and keep a private blog with all the touchy feelly crying and whining and frustration in it. I figure... keeping it in only hurts you so control how you express it but make sure you do. My closest friends and those I care most for are able to view that and only those people. I have cried many a night and wondered why I go on, I will not lie.
I have been unable to walk into their room for months and I isolate as I feel like a horrible mother for not being able to stop this.
I have been told I have very mil, high functioning, autism, PTSD, and anxiety. I have been stable off medications for over 3 years, and it has been discovered the medications had been what made me sick before. Due to intense abuse, I lost my memories shortly before reaching adulthood and have been working alone to try to remember. The mental health system has been no help even though I told someone at the time. My family member who inflicted the abuse that wiped my memory blank panicked and beat the holy hell out of me before she calmed down and "taught" me my basic information, such as name, DOB, etc. The first memories I recovered were the ones they wanted me to recall the least. My fathers murder for example. The family member in question was their, and did not wish for me to recall the incident. It was the first thing I remembered, and trust me... being an adult and having something that happened so long ago feel so fresh.... is not something most people will understand.
The information I have compiled and recorded would put a lot of people in a very compromising place. organizations such as family advocates, advocates for the disabled(and yes, I am classified as such as I have a social anxiety I am trying to work past but find it hard since they would rather build a ramp for a wheel-chair than adhere to small requests like not standing behind me and making sure not to surprise me, you would be jumpy too).
I do not dispute the fact I have issues, and I have been seeking counseling. Since medications make me sick(in the head) and counseling is appropriate treatment for ptsd(and I was told with one counseling placement- that did not work out due to conflict with her views on a rapist rape vic relationship, my goal was to deal with it, hers was to get me in the same room with him- conflicting views). It can take years to find a good counselor.
Contrary to my issues, this snatch was invalid. Not only by their own site regulations but by the law. Last I checked fraud, defamation of character, extortion(is that what you call "do this or your children will never be seen again") when they pulled up the ninety day paper work to have me "voluntarily" sign it it was anything but and everyone knew it. Only one of my children was at that meeting and I was paralyzed, unable to choose between them but knowing from the previous threats that I would never see my oldest son again. The next time I saw him, I saw this, if the video itself doesn't show up, then please follow the link, without it you can't see it. The video is set on unlisted.
The video was quick but if you pause it you will see something I had kept my children from experiencing, worked so hard to prevent, my fears, all over my child. His fosters beat the crap outta him and that was why he wasn't at the meeting. My worries were realized. the worker first made excuses and the fosters claim he fell on the tile. not all of the bruises are showing as the camera used was crappy, and many were still forming. I got down on my hands and knees and begged the worker, demanded, pleaded, even if they couldn't come home, he couldn't go back their. he was inconsolable, and while he was still crying they took him away, I was made to sign another paper indicating a ninety day again. I did not know why and in all honesty I was in shock and was willing to do or sign whatever in order to get my child away from that. no child should ever be abused.
Even with my past I am still trying to make a life for me and my children. I face fears every day for this dream and yet, I have said they needed to be investigated form the beginning, and only after getting a different person at family advocates, only after they filed for a preliminary hearing... did I learn that an invest8iagtion should have been done when I said it was invalid. I understand perfectly well but yet, preying on the autism I was honest about in the beginning, they harp on my general understanding. Actually, my autism is only obvious in social interactions and it is why I was looking for play groups and trying to find out when to start them and trying to find out when to do this and that. They need to know that mommy isn't normal so they can be either normal or not as they themselves are.
My children were thriving, talking(even my youngest had been heard speaking actual words) and I have people who can say this with certainty, both friends and barely tolerated people who probably would rather see me rot in some kind of hell and admittedly vice versa. Even my "enemies" admit that the worst I have ever done is let them play after diner but before their bath outside(basically with food still a bit on their faces) and if cps had an issue with THAT all they had to do was say so and I would have changed it to bathing before outside and then again.... though.... I was concerned about damaging their skin. A sensitivity to that runs in the family. I myself get dry skin due to to enjoying bathing and they also were bath loving little munchkins. they ate their vegetables and my oldest fav food was broccoli and cheese. steamed carrots were a normal snack.
My youngest was a chatter box with an uncanny knack for problem solving and my oldest was a loud but very friendly and sometimes shy boy who was very sweet but heatpoundingly fearless. I swear I swallowed my heart many times with all the times he scared the crud outta me. He is at that age. His brother was starting that very same path.... except HE is a climber. I had no idea the new levels of complete horror and heart attacks that could threaten to make happen. Good thing they were not left alone unless they were in nap time... and I leave nothing climbable(minus their crib and toddler bed respectively).
I have written to news stations, contacted those who are supposed to help.... posted all over Facebook and twitter and.... nothing.
It seems too many people are so evil as to stand by and do nothing.
Seeing this, you may disagree with my views on many things, and you may agree I have issues, however my "issues" are not a parenting issue. they are something I deal with on a regular basis and did both before and after my precious boys were born, and will have a lifetime of doing so for the rest of my life. I am half blind but I am fine in my daily routines. I have a learning "disability" but I am going to school. I have issues with being jumpy around people and sometimes I stutter but... I am seeking work. I am on government assistance but I am trying to get to where I do not need to be.
Their claims are denied by the police they say were involved. I have always commended those officers who do well and rebuked those who did not. I will not lie, I do not like corrupt officers and had all but lost hope in the police until the day that officer got my husband out. I was near tears and ready to beg on my hands and knees. I had finally got enough gall to get him out and it wasn't singularly a serious enough incident but the officer knew what I could not even bring myself to say, even that it wasn't just "two months ago", even knowing my then roommate had heard and done nothing but turn her radio up. "Why did you rape your wife?", I will never forget it. I will never forget that officers determination to do the right thing. I wanted to prevent the incident from progressing, knowing when they left, if he was still their, it would. I wanted to get him out before he tried to hurt the kids as he did try at one point. I got in the way and took the strike. My children should never, no-matter how young, had to see that. My oldest shoudl not have repeated such vile things with "daddy says"... my husband... should not have done those things and.... this officer.... I had been so afraid to say anything. I am glad.... that even though he did it by the books... his reasons were to protect and serve and make sure we were safe. I know I made mistakes int his, and have sworn not to date actually. Seems I pick badly, and this is including after the divorce too. Religiously we are not married, but legally we are, so I still consider this a technicality. the matter is overly complicated and to be honest, I am ashamed to say I still love him. I will not allow him back, but... the heart is foolish like that.
I lay it all down before your feet to judge me as you will. My children were fed, clothed, healthy, thriving, and unabused though I was searching for something to help with my oldests behavioral responses to my husbands erratic and not consistent contact. He may have been abusive but he was still cried for many times and so to be honest... I even begged him to say a day so I could set up a supervised visit(as I even had it out on the restraining order to allow contact for them). I know this is something some would look down on me for but... regardless I left the door to be a father open.
My oldest son is a product or rape, a rape I was told not to report. Not all officers are as good as the ones that night with my husband but I wish the ones who truly wish to help the best and to keep doing so. It is them who give those who are afraid, who feel like they can't leave or do anything, the courage to make that call. The only thing holding me back was the fear I would be told it wasn't worth their time, an officer months after I was told not to make a report informed me the previous officer had simply been unwilling to do the paperwork... because due to ptsd they would argue I didn't know the difference(regardless of the fact I do and I do not appreciate having to explain that and constantly prove it with my own words so often, sex is willing and rape is when you say NO, pushing them away is a good indicator and otherwise being very clear on the subject of your willingness, I also consider rape unto someone who cannot consent, such as someone who has been drugged up and can't fight you to be rape... having gone through that myself, I can tell you.... not being able to move, even then I was so terrified and said no.... to this day I am not sure what is worse, fighting and finding you are powerless, or not even being able to lift a finger or even stay conscious and being powerless, in that, my only mercy was my lack of ability to stay conscious).
see? issues. but being raped and abused as a child while people stand by and do nothing THEN is no reason for them to come in now. I have met plenty of amazing parents who were abused as children. It actually makes me MORE aware of the effects, at least the parts I remember. I would have welcomed help as I was looking for the information to be a better parent. and yes, I took their ridiculously elementary parenting classes. the class was actually too easy but I did learn some things I did not previous know which was good.
The only understanding I lack is why these people are allowed to ransack my family and my life this way and what gives them this right besides people just standing by and doing nothing. and yes, after years of finding out people knew after the fact... I have no respect for those who willingly stand by.... and none for those who never even try. those who can't but wish to and try and... I was a child once you know. I have survivors guilt and am far from perfect. My vow may be of harming none, including myself, but... I have spent many a night walking "what if" lane in my own mind... no, I understand being made to watch against your will, it is those who do so of their own volition I have issues with.
One obstacle is I lack the experience(no surprise since once again, I lack the memories) to tell me what shoudl and should not be said so often I opt for either complete silence or complete honesty as I really have no clue what I am supposed to say that makes it "middle" oriented.
In school, academically, my obstacles are math and not really understanding assignments on "how will you" as although I do talk alot... I am better at showing what I will do rather than using words. Probably an issue from seeing so many people say one thing and do another. I do better showing how I will handle a sitchuation and often freeze up when it comes to words. I am more an... actions kind of person... much like my father. My mother had a vipers tongue when she needed to and she was very quick to anger, but also very kind and very expressive, her weakness was her obliviousness and her denial of such.... and my father was more the... well he loved telling me stories, and listening to me, and teaching me to fight and the steps used in both fighting and dancing(though admittedly I don't remember much about that), he was strong and often his face looked... for lack of a better word to express his expression... far away. I know why now, both of my parents were in the navy, but while my mother never really left our waters... my fathers stories were of far away places. I am sure, after seeing that haunted look in my own face.... in the mirror.... that I know he was in his own memories. To be honest, it is my fathers belief that people could be amazing that keeps me wishing somebody will see and do something besides stand by and watch. Hope hurts but without it we die. my father knew this... and another thing. due to the fact that I have to use a special technique to read or write.... these are my thoughts and feelings as I think and feel them, though to describe my feelings would no doubt be bad on here.
I think the videos alone hold enough weight to give you an idea of how the sitchuation makes me feel(despite my effort to keep my face from cracking, so to speak) don't you?