Cunfused and don't know where to turn

Samantha Elizabeth - posted on 12/22/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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On July 4th 2013 I lost my daughter Nevaeh-Marie. I haven't been right since I was so excited to be having my first child it didn't occure to me that something could go wrong just as fast as they could go right. I remember that day clearly how shocked I was it just didn't seem real I kept repeating in my head surly this some cruel nightmare that I'm going to wake up from soon and everything will be ok but no it was real. She only lived for 5 minutes and for those 5 minutes I couldn't help repeating in my head this can't be happening not my little girl. Love her she held on as long as she could for 5 minutes she struggled to keep breathing I would have done anything to trade places with her or to do anything to stop her dying but I couldn't I have never felt so unable to do something in my life I froze I didn't know what to do. I kept hoping and praying on of the doctors would say she's able to go on the machines but they never did. She was too little or as my aunty says she was too precious to stay here. I can't help repeating the day in my head pointing out my faults naming the things I should have done like made a fuss about her going on the machine and not for them to just say no but then I remember the reason for why I didn't scream and shout I didn't want her to remember me as someone who shouted. I wish there was a rewind button and a button to alter what happened but unfortunatly I can't. Christmas is not that far away usually I am ever so excited but no not this year, this year I can't help thinking this would have been her first christmas with her family that everyone would have loved fussing over her. I can't get that out of my head " that everyone would love fussing over her" and because of that I struggle watching my partner's nephews being fussed over by family members. I can't help thinking they should be fussing over Nevaeh-Marie too but I'm not saying its unfair that the boys are being fussed over and not her no they should be fussed over their just as important as Nevaeh-Marie I love them to bits but I wish she was here you know?. I don't think christmas will ever be the same I've never disliked this time of year so much before. I'm lost, confused and I don't know where to turn I have support at home and its helping but not the way I need it to and I'm not even sure what it is I need to have the right support. I'm not sure of anything anymore my whole world has turned upside down so fast I'm dizzy. Got people in my ear saying that I need to move on. Move on??? Its only been just over 5 months how can I move on so fast what am I wonder woman? No. Do I not feel anything? Are you crazy I am feeling everything, hurt, lost, confused, lost the list is endless. Then I have other people saying oh my god your only 18 you shouldn't have to be going through this at your age. At my age?? It doesn't matter how old you are this can happen to anyone I wish it wouldn't but unfortunately it does. Yes I'm young but it doesn't mean that this sort of thing doesn't happen to young girls cos unfortunately it does. I also have people telling me how to greive. What? There isn't a manual or time limit to how long your supposed to grieve for. I wish everyone who doesn't understand would just leave me alone. It would be nice to talk to someone who does understand for a change and then hopefully the feeling of being ambushed will go away.

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