curfew for a 14 yr old

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Hi mums

I have a 14 yr old son who is trying to get a later curfew time then 9-9:30 which he has currently. I dont see a need to stay out later than this seeing how all he is doing is just hanging out, not like he has activities and such. Am I being unreasonable? How late would you let your 14yr olds stay out until?

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Jodi - posted on 09/15/2012

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OK, well in that case, you seem to have much bigger issues with him than curfew time. Not knowing your child, I am not sure what to recommend. BUT I have a 15 year old boy, and there is no way in HELL he would go against a grounding I imposed because he'd probably find himself hungry, broke (I have confiscated his bank EFTPOS card before), cold, uncomfortable (i.e. that mattress, pillow, blankets and bed belong to me), and not being able to attend any of his sporting games (his very favourite activity), let alone get anywhere else. And he knows it. When I tell him there is a certain consequence to a continued behaviour, I follow through with it EVERY single time. And he knows it. So the mere threat of one of those things is enough to pull him back into line.

Jodi - posted on 09/15/2012

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I would only let him stay out past that if I knew what his plans were, so it would be on a case-by-case basis. Just hanging out is not a good enough reason. That's how 14 year olds get themselves in trouble.

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Vicki - posted on 09/18/2012

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Ladies a update!!!! We had our family meeting 2 days ago it went well my son listened to everything i had to say and agreed that his behavour has been unacceptable and he did participate with some consenquences. So far things are going well. We will have the next meeting on Sunday. We plan to do this once a week!

Vicki - posted on 09/16/2012

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Your right it has been tough, what is also hard is that my husband has anxiety so when things blow up in our home due to me enforcing rules his anxiety triggers and im the cause not the kid! My husband isnt deling with his anxiety by councelling or meds so when the waters get ruff he reacts and im the target.

We have talked many times and during our conversation he is on board and agreeing with the method of parenting and consenquences etc etc but when its time im all of a sudden the bad guy. I am holding a family meeting today and will be bringing some of the issues up that i am having problems with from our son, my husband is aware of the issues and the approach and he is fine with it. Wish me luck!!!! :) I have decided that I no longer will tolerate this anymore im not gonnea live like this, I dont deserve it

Jodi - posted on 09/15/2012

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Um, wow! I wouldn't tolerate that from my husband either. His attitude certainly isn't helping at ALL. If anything, he needs to man up and tell your son he cannot treat you this way. It's going to be awfully difficult to keep your 14 year old in line if you and your husband can't agree on how to handle it :\ No, it isn't too late, but it's certainly going to be a LOT more difficult at this age, because it sounds like he has been allowed to get away with things for too long, and if you don't allow him to get away with it, he finds it easy to go behind your back and make sure dad lets him. That's just not acceptable at all. I think you and your husband have to have a really serious talk about discipline in your house, and come to some agreement that you will BOTH stick to, because what you are doing now obviously isn't working. I don't envy you......it's going to be tough.

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2012

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I dont feel like he is on board 100% And he has refussed to do councelling sessions. We went to a parenting class once and it was there that he was told that he needas to step up!

Here is alittle example of it: I was at work today and i was talking to my son he mentioned that he wanted to go to his friends hose i said sure but take out the garbage before you go. when i came home the garbage was still sitting there. So i left it there for him. When he came home I said do you remember what it was i asked you to do before going out? He said no. I said you wetre to take out the garbage. He said ya whatever and walked away. I said well you can take it out now. He then said no im gonnea eat first then i will do it. I said no you will take it out now then eat. He grabs the bags of garbage and then calls me a B" and then sais that i discust him. So he leaves with the garbage and my husband remains sitting on he couch saying nothing! My husband then says what do you want me to do, you started with him. WtH?? He didnt see that our son started it with me by not listening to my request in the first place. And he makes coments like why did i come home, shouldda stayed at work. you see everytime i enforce rules or have to take steps further it causes our son to have his tantrums and then my husband gives me a hard time cause apparently IM creating chaos

Dove - posted on 09/15/2012

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If you can get your husband on board I don't think it's too late, but your house may need to turn into 'boot camp' for a while and expect things to get worse before they get better. I would suggest you and your husband going to some counseling together (though you say he's getting on board... is he ready to commit to being on board?). Maybe he needs to hear it from a professional that having a divided parenting team could very well be the main CAUSE of your son's behavior issues.



I'm sorry! I wish you all a lot of luck and stubborn perseverance! :)

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2012

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You see I am that person that will go a extra mile to teach my kids a lesson i do follow through with what I say. I think part of the problem is my husband. He doesnt go the extra mile and for years hasnt supported me in my parenting style. When I follow through with the rules of our home he has been known to accuse me of starting stress and why do you have to be a tight ass. The kids have heard this over the years so i often felt like i was parenting by myself and getting no where with them. Any punishment seemed to only be allowed to go so far and he would prevent me from taking it further cause it started to interfer with him, example: I wanted to take the kids tv privlage away and he wouldnt allow that because he wanted to watch tv. It is only very recently that my husband is starting to get it, and starting to get onboard and realizing that we need to be a team. I also am to a point where i am sick of it and i dont care if it affects him im taking the tv away anyway! my son is now 14 i wonder if this is too late?

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2012

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Yep I agree with you completely. We have grounded him and he has been taking off. Can you believe that!!! Im really frustrated and getting pissed off actually i feel like calling the cops on him the next time he takes off and see if they can find him and pick him up

Jodi - posted on 09/15/2012

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Well, in that case, if he is breaking curfew, that would be a big fat NO!! In fact, if he is deliberately breaking curfew, I'd stop allowing him to go out at night altogether. I'd have grounded him. That's unacceptably disrespectful.

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2012

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Jodi I totally agree with you this is one of my reasons why i dont think he should have a later one

Vicki - posted on 09/15/2012

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Dove, this is my thoughts exactly! At this time I dont feel like he is acting in a responsible way that makes me feel like he deserves it. He has been breaking his curfew of 9:30 every single night since he started grade 9 two weeks ago, this wasnt a problem before. He feels like he should be handed privliages without having to earn them, because i have said no he continues to break curfew comes home at 10:30 and 11 sometimes. I have taken things away that he loves and he is still coming home late. Cant seem to get his thinking anlong the lines that if i meet my parents half way maybe i will get more privilages. So frustrating!!! Ladies have any ideas what to do here???

Dove - posted on 09/15/2012

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My oldest is only 11, so I don't know for sure but..... I think 9-9:30 is perfectly reasonable if he's just 'hanging out'... and I wouldn't go later than 9 on a school night. Now... if he were to (as an example) want to go to a movie with a group of friends on a Friday night, but would not be able to be home until around 10ish due to the end time of the movie... I'd make an exception and let him know that it would be fine for specific other occasions, but just 'in general'.... I'd stick to the earlier curfew. If he proves himself to be respectful and responsible on those later occasions and continuing to abide by the curfew and other rules.... I'd revisit the curfew time in about 6 months or so.

[deleted account]

Why not let him stay out until 10 or 11 on non school nights. If he is responsible why shouldn't he be able to hang out later?

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