custody

Devon - posted on 04/25/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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How can I win a custody case when the father is a narcissist who alienates the kids from me every chance he can. He is so certain he will get full custody and is now harassing me to give up the battle since he will win anyway. I need help!

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Ev - posted on 04/30/2014

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Devon--I did not give up my children!!! They went to live with their father because:
1) I did not have the funds to fight him in court every few months and he had the resources to do so.
2) I did not want to make my kids pawns. And this is what it is sounding like in your case. Just because a father or mother does not work does not make them incapable of taking care of the kids and they still might be the better parent. IT IS YOUR WORD AGAINST HIS.
3) I also did not want them to have to worry about what I said in the first comment above as to why they went to live with their father. I wanted them to have a stable set up between their dad and I. THat meant that they had to live with him. WE HAVE JOINT CUSTODY. This way they did not worry about us fighting over them all the time and not knowing whose home they would be in every time they would turn around. Its not healthy to do that to kids.
4) GIVE UP ON KIDS: This statement does not fit me. I did not give up on them. That means that the parent gave up and walked away. I never walked away. I have been in their lives even after their dad and I agreed on the JOIN CUSTODY. We may not have had as much time together as other moms and their kids but we LEARNED to make the MOST OF THAT TIME. We learned a hard lesson too: Not to take things for granted. By learning to make the most of our time, we bonded even closer. Now, I can honestly say that my kids and I are closer than we ever were.
5) This is not about you or what you think of dad or what he thinks of you. No parent is supposed to talk about the other parent in front of the kids. Unfortunately, you can not stop that because you are not there unless you speak to him and tell him that this is not acceptable.

I never gave up my kids. THere is a difference between doing what is best for them and giving up. I have fought for a lot of things through the years in their best interest when their father would not include me in decisions of things we were supposed to decide together. I have made sure the step parents he married knew about me and what I expected in the role. I did not tell them how to run their house, but I did make sure that they knew that any major life choices were between me and dad.

So please do not assume a woman has given up her kids just because at the moment it as better not to fight over them like they were a piece of furniture and work things out with the father.

Devon - posted on 04/29/2014

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I was not expressing anger towards you. All capital letters simply because caps were on. I work full time with a decent salary that I can support myself and children but this is not good enough for him. Considering he hasn't worked for years he feels he is the best parent. The fact of the matter is that I have the kids a mere 18 hrs of the month and then it is when he does have them, they spend most of their time at their paternal grandparents. You may find it in your bet interest to give your children up but I will never give up because I know he is not the better parent. I do have legal counsel and have every nasty word he and his family has said to and about me, most often in the presence of the children. Is this in the best interest of the children? I think not.

Ev - posted on 04/26/2014

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I get your issues here and understand them completely but you do not have to use all caps to get anything across....it seems like you are yelling at me. I understand so much so that I was put through temporary custody hearing because MY EX thought he would get it because of things he thought would win it for him. The things were trivial nonsense and the judge asked him why he did not deal with them if I had not. He was also doing any and everything to get the kids from me. I also think some of his family members were also trying to put words into my eldest's mouth as well at the time. I do know what it is like. But I do not think my ex ever expected me to agree to the offered final divorce/custody agreements. Because I was not well of fiancially and he had a lot more resources, because I could not put my kids through any more crap than had already been going on, and because of other things; I let the kids live with him. Not a choice I wanted to have to make but for their own good I did. I relieved their minds because they would not be wondering whose home they would be in, the would not be changing schools, there was not going to be any fighting going on. In the end, my kids and I are closer. We learned not to take life and what comes with it for granted. And it made us three stronger for it.

I really think you need to take a step back and look at this from all angles. You need to look at this from the perspective of what benefits the kids. As I said, being narcissistic is not good enough reason to try to get the kids. He must pose a threat or danger to the kids' well being. It does tear the kids apart when the world they knew is turned upside down. I have been there and done it as I said above. They suffer the most. The only way to win custody is how I mentioned below....have proof that he is a danger and documented things. Also if he his harassing you keep tabs written down with dates, times, what was said by him and you, download text messages or anything else that can be seen by the judge if that is harassement as well. You can not get custody based on your opinion of the man. You did have kids with him and at one time thought a lot of him to do so. He has rights to the kids as well.

I am just trying to set out what the realities of this is. An all caps answer is not going to get things very far. You also need legal counsel.

Devon - posted on 04/25/2014

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I HAVE AGREED TO 50/50 BUT HE WILL NOT AGREE WITH IT , HE WANTS TI HAVE FULL CUSTODY AND GOES TO ALL LENGTHS POSSIBLE TO KEEP THE KIDS AWAY FROM ME. iT IS REALLY TEARING .THE KIDS APART.

Ev - posted on 04/25/2014

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That alone about being a narcissist will not be enough to get the custody of the kids. You need absolute proof he is a danger to the kids. Just because he is threatening to get custody does not mean he will get it. What you need to do is to keep track of all text messages, all phone calls and what was said, and all face to face conversations with dates and times attached to prove he is harassing you. You need to be very specific with the details with the judge. Custody is not about winning: It is about the best interests of the child or children in a custody case. Its about them, not you or him and who gets to keep the kids. Anymore, judges are looking at joint custody over full if it is possible. And once the judge decides things and its in a court order, you have to abide by it. I would start thinking along those lines rather than what you want or he wants.

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