Custody Battle Tearing me Apart

Ashley - posted on 11/08/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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Please i need some encouragement here im almost 18 months into this - My sons father has some weekend visitation but he is never satisfied and saying hes moving in my neighborhood to be closer. We are on our 3rd no contact order so he will stop harassing me.He threatens to control my life and watch every move i make. I had no idea having a child like this would absolutely control my whole life...I love my son and i will not stop fighting for him. His dad wracked another Domestic Violence charge in July for assaulting me....

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JuLeah - posted on 11/08/2011

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I don't understand. A no contact order means no contact - no phone, no email, no text and no contact through a 3rd party .... any violation and you call 911

If there is a no contact order, I would guess there would also be supervised visits only

Slow waaaaayyyyy down with the new boyfriend - fix this problem before you being a new guy into your life

Get your feet under you

A guy that wants to come in and, what, save you? rescue you? protect you from your ex? ..... as nice as that might be right now, watch out for that. It is a bit of a red flag when people want to jump in and save .... you need to save yourself, fix this yourself ... be your own hero

Where is the law in all of this?

Where is soical services in all of this?

Where is your attorney in all of this? If you don't have one, get one.

Your ex doesn't need to hit your son to cause major damage - he needs to inslut you, disrespect you in front of your son. If your son has seen violence he has been damaged ..... he is learning from this man how to be a man, how to be a husband

The damage done to kids is worse then the damage done to us

I will assume drugs and or alochol is involved here ... clean UA's ought to be tied with the supervised visits

Cherie - posted on 11/18/2011

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Asley,
My ex did the same thing to me. Tried controllingme through lies and intimidation. Trying to get me back and saying Iied to thecourt andI hadn't in order to get dirt on me. Trying to scare me so he can controll me. He was trying anything he could cause he knew was was loosing controll over me once and for ALL.
Your ex knows you are in fear of him and that's what he thrives on, mine did. He will continue to controll you as long as he sees weakness in you. Make a promise to yourself that only when you are around him to not look weak and defeated then soon it becomes a part of who you are. Men like this love to do things to people to just get a reaction. DON'T give him what he wants. You ARE in controll NOW. I say this all with love and respect. I say this cause this is what I had to do. Also the very thought of him having more than every other weekend or his holidays was maddened me andmade me be stronger formy kids, not to mentionmy kids made me stronger because I didn't want to portrait that type of women to my kids. Your situation sounds just like mine with a few differences of course. God Bless,

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/15/2011

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Ashley, you have support!

You will not lose your son, no matter HOW bad this gets. it sounds like your ex has many, many issues, and those will be brought to the judge's attention. Just make sure you have good legal assistance, and that you are in a safe place right now where he cannot contact you.

If you've never been in trouble with the law, and never had any negative reports, the courts are NOT going to take that baby away from you. He may threaten, but he's all bluff, honey. He cannot make the judge give him custody, and if he tries, his jail time will mount up...

Bella20abc - posted on 11/11/2011

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Hi my name is Melissa i was also in a domestic violence. relationship and we battled it out in court he got weekend visit s until i could prove the clam of violence he then got only supper vised visits once a month he never really wanted to see his son he also just wanted to control my life it took one suppervised visit for him to get bored and not show up to see him anymore good luck

Mrs. - posted on 11/10/2011

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Don't fight with him, that's what he wants. The law is the law, he gets what was agreed to or ordered by the court for visitation, period. If you fight with him, he wins. Don't fight, hurts your child, hurts you, he's happy if you fight because that means he's getting to you. If you don't fight with him he loses the battle. Stay busy and let him do whatever the law lets him do while you go on with your life.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/21/2011

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Ashley, Cherie has a bunch of good points...You hang in there! Be strong

Cherie - posted on 11/21/2011

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Ashley,
I 100% agree with Ms Pat. Fighting is what he wants. He KNOWS what gets to you. He will use it to break you down to the point you have a nervous breakdown to prove his point you are an unfit parent and he wins and you and your child loses. PLEASE, please do NOT allow him to have that much control over your life. Take back what God deservingly gave you (within yourself). Not to mentionyour sweet precious child. This will be one way to get revenge on your ex is showing him you do not need him to survive and to have a better life. Ex. It's like those whocheat on spouses, the vistims best revenge is what (when it applies).....loosing weight and living a better life.

Ashley - posted on 11/15/2011

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Thanks everyone it can be so hard because i am just so scared that something will cause me to lose my son - even though ive never even had a traffic ticket...im just so afraid of him.....He is constantly trying to seek revenge on me for leaving...one way or another...he uses intimidation to give him what he wants and i cant handle it anymore

Cherie - posted on 11/12/2011

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Ashley, I too went through a DMV marriage. It happened after 12 yrs of marriage and having 2 month old twins. I left him 4 months after that. I feel for you, stay strong my kids and God saw me through it all. It was the best decision I made next to having my babies. They are now almost 4yo. I would do it all again to have what I have now. You will be stronger if you just take one day at a time, try not to look beyond right NOW. It all can be overwhelming. Dr Phil said, It's better to be FROM a broken home than to LIVE in one. Feel no guilt. By having left you are demonstrating to your son that women should not be treated this way. He is jealous and immature this is why he does this and perhaps even a sociopath. Please do not give up. Remember if you need to one hour at time. GodBless!!

Lisa - posted on 11/10/2011

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Ashley you need o be stern. Do Not Let Him Do This To You. Show him you are in control. and get some pepper spray. He comes near you spray him and call the police when he is down. My prayer r with you and ur little ones safety

Bekki - posted on 11/10/2011

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Ashley, what you need to understand is that he's threatening you with a custody battle, but it's only that - a threat. You already have custody. Judges don't take lightly to bouncing kids back and forth between homes like ping-pong balls; they want stability, normalcy, a good family life. Your ex cannot provide that, especially with his violence issues. You've already got custody, so that works in your favor - you'd have to do something very drastic, like abuse or neglect the child in order for a judge to grant custody to the father. And considering his history, odds are HE wouldn't even get custody.

I've heard it all before - parents who threaten to file for sole custody, lie about the other parent, get the other parents' rights taken away. It's an old game and it's worthless - the court cares about fact. Your ex could say you're running a brothel out of your kitchen; unless he can prove it, the judge will dismiss it.

Take him back to court and request that he be placed on supervised visitation immediately.

Denise - posted on 11/10/2011

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Ashley, my heart breaks for you! What do you mean he takes it out on you in family court?

Ashley - posted on 11/10/2011

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He got another no contact order given to him yesterday and a very stern talking from the Judge, however now he will just take it out on me in family court - thats what he does...he rules my life by intimdation of a bitter custody battle which we went through last year. I have custody and he has visitation however, he shouldnt even have unsupervised access to our son - he assaulted me and was arrested right infront of our two year old son....broke my heart...

Julie - posted on 11/10/2011

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I agree with everyone else. But most important keep a record of when he is around. If you have a phone with a camera on it then take a picture each time. Even if it is while he is walking away from you. The phone will automatically date/time stamp the picture for you. This way you have some extra proof.

Bekki - posted on 11/10/2011

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First things first: do you have a custody order through the courts? Not a mutual agreement, not a piece of paper that you both signed - a court order, signed by a judge, that lists him as the child's father and grants him visitation rights?

I'm very concerned by the statement, "His dad wracked ANOTHER(emphasis mine) domestic violence charge in July for assaulting me..." How many does he have? Are they all incidents involving you?

Please ignore the statement that getting a restraining order will prevent him from moving into your neighborhood - an RO only prevents him from coming within X amount of feet of you and/or your residence. He can move wherever he wants.

You need need NEED to get into court with this. If he is physically abusive and it is documented by police records, that may be enough to place him on supervised visitation - he will not be allowed to have your son alone, a 3rd party will have to be present. If you cannot agree on a 3rd party, the court may appoint a social worker to supervise his visitation.

Denise - posted on 11/10/2011

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Not to frighten you, but if your ex is violating a no contact order and has already resorted to violence against you or your son, you need to contact the authorities and get help from a support group or attorney ASAP! I had a girlfriend who was in an abusive relationship and holding on for the children. She didn't wake up and get help until the rat was holding her at knife point. DON'T WAIT! Documentation is very helpful, seeking assistance is also very helpful. But no one can help you if you do not ask for help. Not only are you being victimized, but so is your child. Even at an early age children pick up on tension and fear from a parent. Please, help your son by helping yourself. Stay safe, I'm sure we are all praying for you.

Amanda - posted on 11/10/2011

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Hi, I was where you were about 3 1/2 years ago. All you need is a protection order for you and your son so if at any time he is near you can cobtact aurhorities. I would ring graeme askelund and ask for his legal advice. That is what I did. Hope all goes well.

Rachel - posted on 11/09/2011

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If he's assaulting you and harassing you and violating the no contact orders, he needs to stop. That is NOT ok. You deserve better, your son deserves better. I agree, document EVERYTHING! And call the police EVERY TIME! No exceptions! He needs to know that this is not acceptable behavior. And if you need more outside help, don't be afraid or ashamed to get it. Your safety and the safety of your son are SO IMPORTANT! Don't let this man keep controlling you.

Tinker1987 - posted on 11/09/2011

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could you file a restraining order,that way he cant move in your neighborhood,he needs to respect the No contact rule.

Lori - posted on 11/09/2011

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I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I agree with the many posts that you really need to contact the police each time he tries to contact you. And document every incident. Times, dates, who responded, and the outcome. Make it available to the police each time, so that they can respond accordingly. Certainly contacting women's shelters and services is a good step. Extending the boundary for him would be greatly needed. Contact as many people as you can that could possibly help you. Not to sound like this,but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. You and your son's safety is far more important than anything else! I wish you the best in your battles.

Lisa - posted on 11/09/2011

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I went through the samething. One morning I woke to him standing over me and scared the hell out of me. You order will help you get your child It did me. and there is a stocking law please for your safty and your sond check in to it. With that order she shouldn't be aloud 100 feet from you. Enforce it and when I went to court I had support from and womens group against violence try toget a advocate to go with you. Best of luck and God Bless

Natasha - posted on 11/09/2011

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Sweetheart as a mother its our instinct to protect our babie. You keep your gead up n keep being the mother you are. If he keeps harrassing you keep making the 911 calls because you shouldnt have to live in fear. Keep letting your close ones know wjat hes doing. I will be praying for your situation

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/09/2011

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Well, I'm not sure where Juleah got her info, but...I didn't see anything about a boyfriend...

If you have a no contact order, your ex is in violation. CALL THE POLICE and have him arrested for violating a no contact order!

Document EVERYTHING. Every attempt at contact. If he moves in to your neighborhood for the purpose of "being closer", have your attorney get the no contact boundary extended to include the distance from his place to yours.

He's not threatening to contol you, he is controlling you. You are already contemplating how to deal with this in the least confrontational manner. You need to STOP THAT.

It isn't easy to stop being a victim, but if you love your son and want to fight for him, then you need to take steps. Get to a safe house. Get to a womens shelter, or transitional program. Any of these will help protect you from contact, and start showing your son the proper way to behave. Most areas have inexpensive or free legal aid for women in these situations. Find out how to get in contact with those agencies.

Having the child is not what controlled your life. Your abusive ex is what is controlling your life, and the only person who can stop that is you. I wish you the best of luck, and hope and pray that you find a program that is near you and able to help you immediately!

Kyleigh - posted on 11/08/2011

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Sounds like a hot mess! I feel for you, I went through a custody battle too! So your soon to be Ex husband is trying to get custody ?

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