Custody, Do I let him Go?

Crissy - posted on 03/20/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

3

0

0

My Son is Four, Suffers from ADHD, Autism and possible Oppositional Defiancy Syndrom. His Father lives in another country with his immediate family and has wanted full-custody since our divorce.



Since returning to my home country to be supported by friends and family I must admit things have not been easy both emotionally and finacially.



I love my son dearly however find myself becoming more and more frustrated trying to cope with his behavioral issues. I feel like Im constantly scolding him and avoid everything except parks fearing his behavioral issues will get out of hand. Part of me often wonders "Does he act like this because I'm doing something wrong".



I feel that my behavioral management cannot be healthy for my son being that I'm often frustrated and my son is often "Out of Control". Time outs don't work, taking toys don't work and yelling and screaming gets me absolutely no where. My sons day care can't control him. They are at there wits end and have now started calling me to come get him even though he has an early intervention worker working with him for 6 hours a day... I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what to do to correct his behavior.



I'm worried that if my son stays in my care his life will have no quality being that I can't control his behaviors and being that I'm hitting exuastion levels trying to cope as best I can with limited support from friends and family.



I'm damned if I do send him, knowing I will feel guilty resenting myself for missing out on my sons upbringing being that he will be living across the world and I will be limited on how often I can afford to visit him. I will worry that my decission to send him will leave him feeling abandoned by his Mother and grandparents, effecting him emotionally for life. I also fear being judged by other Mothers and Family who perhaps carry bias opinions never living my daily life..



If I don't send him, I feel guilty feeling that perhaps his Father could have dealt with his behavioral issues better than how I'm coping. I know his Father is finacially stable with his work and income and can provide so many more fun opprotunities that I cannot being that I only work Part-Time and due to needing DayCare Im limited to the shifts Im available to pick up.



Regardless of what I decide to do.. I want to do what is best for my son. At this point it would be selfish of me to say my son is better off staying with me simply because it will kill me to see him go and will cause life long feelings of guilt... At some point I need to stop worrying about other peoples judgements of "what kind of Mother my decission or thoughts make me"..



Anyone have a similar situation or feelings?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Firebird - posted on 03/20/2011

2,660

30

521

Heidi that is a horrible thing for you to say! Crissy has come asking for support and you are doing the exact opposite!

Crissy, it might help if you let us know where you live. Look around every avenue available to you, I'm sure you will find more support. Get your son into every early intervention available to him, speech pathology, physical therapy, anything that can help him. You'd be surprised how much of a difference these things can make. I don't know where you are, so I have no idea what options you have for helping your son.

In the end you need to do what you truly feel is best for your son's well being. No decent human being will look down on you for that.

Erica - posted on 03/25/2011

205

30

26

FRom the way I understand it you are concered about not being able to see him if he goes to live with his dad..Just a thought but since you said you are only working part time, why dont you consider moving to where the father is.. THis way your son with have both parents around him at all times. Also you and the dad can tag team parent and can better help your son. I dont know if this would be an option but might be something to think about.

16 Comments

View replies by

User - posted on 03/24/2011

147

25

20

It's not giving your child away if you make a different parenting arrangement with the FATHER...I am not saying you should just send him to live with his dad either. Find out what can be done to help him in your local area and also what support you can get in dealing with the situation. Divorce is huge and it is very likely that both you and your son are still grieving. Like they say on airplanes "Make sure to put your own breathing mask on first and the you can assist your child with his". Ultimately it is your son's best interests that need to be accessed here. Children with special needs need stability...do your best to get this under control and get the very best care possible for him. If you do ultimately decide him being with his dad is best...you should move back to your X husbands country so that you can be in close proximity to your son during the transition.
Best of luck...I know divorce is very hard and also dealing with a special needs child is hard. Sending you love vibes and best wishes.

Heidi - posted on 03/24/2011

4

42

0

Didjn't mean to offend anyone...I just couldn't imagine giving my own son away...my thoughts are with you..

Mary - posted on 03/23/2011

68

0

2

You have your hands full , To begin with you need to take your son and your self to a child behavior specialist . They can advise you children with autism are not affected by normel handeling . They are special and have special needs . A friend of mine has a child with autism when she and her husband split the problems became worse she takes her son to a child behavior specialist and life is so much easier . You need a better day care too there are schools and daycares that deal with these children . You have to understand these children disrupt class and every project under taken . They don't live with your son it is not an everyday occurance with them . There is hope go to a child behavior specialist they can help a lot . The problems only get worse as the child gets older if you don't know how to handel them .

Nia - posted on 03/23/2011

3

0

0

Crissy, You should be commended for writing this. First you need seek out a support group. I don't know where you live but you should start off with your child pediatrician. It is obvious that he has been seen by a doctor since you have this diagnosis for him. Your pediatrician should give you different services that should help you and they will teach you how to better deal with your son. It is obvious that the school he is in is not the right school for him. Once you have a better understanding of how to deal with your son and you know what it takes, than there is no reason why then he can't go visit with his father for some period of time. But you want to know everything that he needs and that he can be accommadated to go with his father. So it will take some investigating on your part and get the help the two of you need. Good Luck because you have to be your child advocate and don't let anyone tell you no!. And as far as what people think forget it because the ones that will have something to say are the ones that will not help so for get them and get help.

Best of Luck

Cathy - posted on 03/22/2011

1

9

0

Crissy, in my opinion, you have to do what is ultimately the best for your son. If this means letting him live with his father, then that is what you should do. Good luck. No judgement here! I know this is the toughest decision you will have to make.

Simone - posted on 03/21/2011

7

12

0

that was un-called for Heidi, you should be ashamed of yourself this mum is obviously in need of help and support and you do the very thing that could tip her over the edge! chrissy i wish you very best and please dont pay any mind to heidi she is a minorty here, if i was you i would do as thee other mums have suggested and keep looking around for more professional help before you make your mind up on what to do, at the end of the day all that really matters is what you think as his mother is best for him in the long run sweet heart. my thoughts are with you.x

Jenni - posted on 03/21/2011

5,928

34

392

I agree with the others. Sounds like you're feeling really alone and isolated. You need to reach out for support from your local community. I'd also recommend doing tons of research on your son's disabilities so you can learn how to handle his behavioural issues.

Colleen - posted on 03/21/2011

58

25

9

I agree with Elizabeth we do have a lot of programs here in Ontario funded by the government for children like your son.
I also think that you should do whats best for your son even if that means you have to give him up to his father. I also had to give up my daughter don't let anyone tell you that you are a horrible person for giving your child the best life possible.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/21/2011

664

13

125

I like Joanna's post very much..I know that in Ontario where I live we have a ton of 100% government funded programs for children under 6 and then other programs for kids over that age that are related to the problems which your son has. It is certainly worth looking into to.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/21/2011

664

13

125

sure is easy to judge when you aren't the one who is living the hell this poor mom is...RIGHT HEIDI

[deleted account]

Perfectly said, Joanna. I was thinking exactly what you wrote, so ditto! :)



Good luck Crissy. We all have to do what's best for our children, even if that mean personal hardship. I am astounded that you are thinking of your son first and yourself second. Please know you can always PM me on here if you need to talk or anything.

Stacie - posted on 03/20/2011

3

0

1

If you live in an area with Birth to Three services, contact them & get some support. It makes all the difference in the world to have him working with specialists in the field of autism.... They can also point you in the right direction for other resources, support groups, therapists, etc.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms