custody of 2 month old baby

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I am 17, my ex is 19. He didn't help in any way with my pregnancy, he has only visited my 9 week old daughter 3 times and hasn't seen her or asked about her since she was 2 weeks old. He's never provided for her. I've asked him several times to visit and he says not unless he can take her for a few hours to his mom's (where he lives) which is two hours away. She is breastfed and won't take a bottle, so this isn't possible at this point. He thinks the judge will make me stop breastfeeding. I don't want my daughter around his mom because his whole family smokes marijuana around her nieces baby and finds nothing wrong with it. I don't want her over there at all, and now his mom is pushing him to get half custody to get out of paying child support. I don't know what to do, he does not care about her, he only wants to leave her with his mom while he does what he wants, and since he refuses to visit they are all strangers to her. Do you think the court will allow him anything more than supervised visits?

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Sarah - posted on 04/11/2016

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Bottom line, you made a baby. Baby has a mama and a papa. Both parents are equally obligated to support the baby whether or not they ever lay eyes on her. Your baby is entitled to be supported by both of you, so file for support. Child support is completely separate from custody or visitation. Papa may be ordered to pay support and may not be allowed visits. If you think drugs are in the mix, petition the court for a drug test (keep in mind you will be asked to take one as well). If he is using or his family is using, then his access to the baby will be limited. What I am trying to tell you is YOU cannot make these choices. Just because you gave birth to her does not make you the judge. Work with him to form a co-parenting plan. So you can keep nursing and he can meet his child. Without a decree from the court, he can show up at your door and demand to see her and technically you have no authority to deny him. So file for support and temporary physical custody (as you are nursing) then go from there.

Raye - posted on 04/12/2016

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You go to court. You ask for primary legal/residential (whatever the terminology where you live) custody for yourself. You ASK for temporary supervised visits for the father and a drug test (temporary supervision until he's proven himself clean). For newborns that are breastfeeding, generally the judge sets visitation at only an hour or two at a time, but the father is allowed to have her without you present unless the judge agrees to the supervised visits. If visits are supervised, it should be by an impartial 3rd party, and not you hovering over them. A baby cannot be owned, it's not a possession to be rented to the father only if he pays support. It's a human being that deserves to have a relationship with both parents. Once you have custody/visitation orders in place, file for child support. Doesn't matter what his job status is. It can be changed if his job status changes.

Sarah - posted on 04/12/2016

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I agree, you can stop offering. Make, one final written offer and keep a copy of it and his response. Jobless or not he should be contributing to her support; it may only be a few buck s a week, but its something. Someday, he may have a great job and your daughter deserves her share.
Regarding the drug test, if he were to refuse, he'd not be given custody or visitation. No test is considered a dirty test in the eyes of the court. All you have heard and he thinks he knows about beating a drug test, will fail him. i don't want to start a debate or have anyone offer suggestions. Let's just say, diluted, adulterated, or "switched" samples will be detected. Court tests are witnessed. Some Family Courts require a hair follicle test.
Good luck.

Susan - posted on 04/12/2016

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I say quit trying to get him to be involved and maybe he will back off and leave you and your baby alone- when he has true good intentions he will seek her out- until then your baby will be just fine with u- don't try to make him something that he isn't - she is only a couple months old- with regard to breastfeeding seek out the leleche league and they will help u with the legalities of that- they are very helpful

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Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

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I've also read them all - like Evelyn said, you need to get it done legally or he can claim you are denying him.

Taylor - posted on 04/12/2016

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I only want supervised visits until she is comfortable with him and actually knows who he is, and he can prove he is sober. His family has smoked weed with a baby in their arms. I've witnessed it, I don't know if you've read my previous comments, but that's one of the reasons we split up when I was a few months along.

Taylor - posted on 04/12/2016

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She's breastfed and doesn't take a bottle even when I pump (I'm working on that), and when he did visit he smelled like weed.. I don't want him taking her until he can prove he is sober. And it's not like he's trying to take her for an hour or two, he lives two hours away. That's an all-day thing and even when I get her to take a bottle I can't pump that much. I've only been able to pump almost 2 oz.

Jodi - posted on 04/12/2016

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The problem here is that he is requesting certain access (on his terms) and you are denying him and dictating the terms. So it isn't that he has no interest in his child, it is that he wants it on his terms. This could be seen, with denying him, as parental alienation if you continue to deny him. Hence why you need court orders to stipulate the terms of visitation.

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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Honey, get custody, child support, and visitation set up first. You can not force anyone to do anything they do not want to do including being a parent and part of their child's life. Get those court orders and then it falls on his shoulders if he does not keep his end of things up.

Taylor - posted on 04/12/2016

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That's not the problem . The problem is that he won't see her, I want him to. I want her to have both parents. I just want him to be sober and I want her to actually know him before he takes off anywhere with her at all. Him not visiting means he is a total stranger to her.

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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It is his case against yours basically. You are going to have to convince the judge that you have asked him numerous times to visit. Did you write down the dates and times you asked him to come see her, what was said and his reactions? On a calender? He basically does have a right to be in her life. A judge is going to say the same thing. But a judge is not going to grant what you want in visitation but what he or she considers the best interest of the child. You chose this guy to be with and child became the result. Now for 18 more years you will have to parent the child with him.

Taylor - posted on 04/12/2016

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But will the court take in to consideration that I've tried to get him to visit and he refuses because he doesn't want to? He only wants to drop her off at his mom's.. I do have text messages of me asking him why he doesn't see her or ask about her. His excuse is 'he's busy with college' (which is not true, he is in high school and has no intentions of going to college) or that he doesn't want to see her because im mad at him. I'm only mad at him because he hasn't asked about his 9 week old daughter in 7 weeks

Ev - posted on 04/12/2016

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Jasmine and Taylor--You both have to understand that unless the father is proven a danger to the child then he has as much rights to raise the child as the mother does. It is not up to the mom to decide if he is good enough to be there for the child or how much access he gets. That is the role of a judge. As in your case Jasmine, he was proven to be using drugs I take it? Then he should get supervised visits. But in Taylor's case it is totally different.

Jasmine Elaine - posted on 04/12/2016

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The fact that she doesn't know is sad! what kind of man hides his daughter from a women?and he made something like ten grand up for you and your daughter thats wrong. Great Job on graduating! i know how tough it can be. if his mom wants the baby i would say no. my ex's mom cares about me and my girls and send me child support and meets me for lunch, she told her son to get out if he is going to treat me the way he does. Don't award custody to either, your the caring parent, not them

good luck!

Taylor - posted on 04/12/2016

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My ex hasn't asked about her for 7, almost 8 weeks. He now has a 15 year old girlfriend, according to his cousin that I'm friends with.. which is disgusting. It's like he just wants to smoke weed and date young girls and I was told his new girlfriend doesn't even know he has a kid. Which isn't surprising , one of the reasons we broke up is because he is a compulsive liar. He told me his grandma left him 10 grand in her will when she died when he found out I was pregnant. Said I have nothing to worry about. Then I found out she didn't leave him anything, he made it up. He also told me he had a job. And was in college. I graduated last year and he's still in high school. He filed for paternity, and in the papers it says 'father's daily requests for visitation have been denied' , which is a lie. He refuses to see her. I know his mom is the one doing all the work because she's the one that wants the baby at her house.

Jasmine Elaine - posted on 04/12/2016

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My mom is a lawyer and helped me get through the exact same problem! have the father drug tested! i also am 17 with a 19 year old ex. He ignored me my entire twin pregnancy but the day our daughters Brylee and Brynn were born he showed up at the hospital, pretended to be caring and support me for the 79 hours i was in labor and then after they were born he demanded they have his last name. A week later i took him to court and i won full custody and he also smokes marijuana and if the judge finds out he does that and wants custody of his daughter they won't allow that. Even supervised visits for you might be hard having to hand over your daughter even for a few minutes but i think taking it to court is your best shot! Maybe once he starts showing you he wants to be an involved dad you can change orders, My ex sees his daughters once a month for 15 minutes court ordered and thats it, he isn't allowed to take them out of their car seats or bring them a bottle because the judge made him get drug tested and it ruined his entire life not being able to see his daughters but it made him get clean and now he is dating a new girl and getting married with a son coming in 3 months so obviously he would rather do drugs then support his daughters, you don't want a situation like that, good luck!

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016

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I hired a lawyer not too long ago, but he hasn't given me any reassurance . In fact I can hardly get him on the phone.

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016

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And if he gets visitation and doesn't show up like he is doing now, would they reduce it..? I'm scared he's gonna be in and out of her life as he pleases. I don't want that for her.. I want him to be all in or all out.. I know it's not up to me, but if he didn't show up to see her and never pays support how long is he allowed to do so with no consequences?

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016

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I want him to see her. He won't. And he doesn't have a job, and is still in school. I graduated last year, but I don't have a job either. I can pass a drug test no problem, but my boyfriend whom I live with does have a roommate that smokes marijuana. Not here, at his friend's house. Would that matter? He's only here to sleep and eat really. Also, if I were to petition for a drug test could he refuse? And I know he knows how to pass a urine test..

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2016

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Taylor the only reason I mark your posted as duplicate is to help the moms navigate to the one post that has activity. You wan the answers to build on each other.

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016

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I do have evidence that I have tried to get him to visit with no success, I really am not trying to keep him from her.

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016

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Ps, I'm new to the site and not quite familiar with how it works. I thought my other posts hadn't gone through.

Taylor - posted on 04/11/2016

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I didn't mean to duplicate the post, sorry. But I have not in any way tried to keep him from her. I've asked him over and over to visit and he refuses. I just said that. I ask him because I want him to at least not be a stranger to her if he gets more than supervised. And I told him if he visited a few times a week and she got to know him I'd let him take her for a few hours but he literally refuses to see her unless he can take her to his moms. I have witnessed these people smoke marijuana with a baby in their arms, I was 16 at the time, I was pregnant and did not smoke but didn't mind them smoking until I saw that. Not long after I broke up with him. I have no proof of this, but I would really like him to be sober when he does take her and I know he doesn't find anything wrong with smoking around children. I don't want her exposed to it, and I don't want her going off with someone she doesn't know.

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2016

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The court will absolutely allow him to parent his child. Unless you can provide objective evidence that he is a risk to her, then he is just as entitled as you to parent. The judge will NOT make you stop nursing but may decree that you pump and proved and adequate supply while baby is with dad. If you are unable to provide such a supple then dad can feed formula. Why have you not petitioned for child support? That is your child's right and has absolutely nothing to do with custody or visitation. He is her father! why do you think you get to choose whether or not he raises her? Keep fighting and avoiding letting her go and you will face parental alienation charges and could lose her entirely. You chose this man to make a baby and for the next 18+ years you both are obligated to support her and entitled to parent her.

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