Custody/Visitation Advice PLEASE!!!!!!

Shyla - posted on 12/02/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My baby is now 10 months old. Her biological father has refused to meet her because he believes she is not his. He refused to take a paternity test when she was born. I filed for child support which includes a paternity test. Results should be coming back this week. Her father says he wants to be involved when he is "where he wants to be in life" ((meaning when hes moved out of his parents house (we are both 17), has a car, his license, etc..) I was willing to work something out with him for my daughters sake. If he wanted to be involved I was going to let him. But he has never showed interest other than saying he was going to, he's never asked about her medical health (she was recently diagnosed with tuberous sclerosis complex), etc. I'm wondering if I say no to him being in her life and he files for visitation/custody if I should be worried. He drinks, smokes. etc., refused to take a test because he "didn't want to know if she is his", and so much more.

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Dove - posted on 12/03/2015

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My ex was virtually non existent to our children for a year and a half and the ONLY thing that kept him from getting joint custody was that he lived too far away for it to be practical.

Your ex may not end up getting any type of custody, but you can almost guarantee that he will get visitation... even if it's been years.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to go to court and get custody and visitation established anyway... then it is up to him what he does w/ that.

Mirjam - posted on 12/02/2015

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My children now 21,19 and 16 never saw there father after we separated. Not my choice but his. I have done everything to get him seeing the kids. He never had paid money to support the kids financially, and he always said he was too busy with getting his life on track, so he didn't had time for the shit ( his words), I always kept record of what I did to make him aware he is the father and has responsibility and he needs to help financially. After 3 years me and my new partner decided to move from Holland to Australia, and because my ex is on the birth certificates of the 3 boys he need to sign for their passports and give his promotion. Because he always was difficult, I went to Court and ask Soul custody, he fought back because he was the dad and got the right to see them. The judge looked at him and smiled and said, where was you in the past 3 years? what have you done to show your kids that you love them, the only thing you have done is making the life from them and your ex wife a hell because you didn't take any responsibility a loving dad should have done, so he lost it and never saw his kids again. What i am trying to say is, before you decide to take him away from your daughter, make sure you have a dossier with evidence that you have done everything to let him in her life, and evidence that he always have refused to be in her life. because that will make you strong in Court. Good luk with it.

Sarah - posted on 12/03/2015

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Shyla, please keep in mend that Mirjam's custody issue was not in the US. Sometimes a judge will not care if a father his been MIA for months/years. If he is demonstrating a desire now, he will not be denied his child. Again, it doesn't matter if he is on the BC, there was a paternity test done. All he has to do is go to the County Clerk, and petition to amend the document. If you knew he was the father, you should have named him, judges don't like it when mothers play games with legal documents. It is important for many reasons to have the father named; death benefits, disability benefits, taxes and genealogy tracking (to be sure she doesn't accidentally marry a cousin or half sibling some day.

Raye - posted on 12/02/2015

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I wasn't calling you a selfish prick. I said if either of you chose to act that way it would make it more messy.

Also, as I said, the court will look at the attitudes and lifestyle of both parents, and make a ruling based on what they think is best for the child. If you have offered him visitation, and he refused, that will look good for you. But it won't necessarily be a reason to reduce awarded visitation time, because he didn't previously want it. They look at the current circumstances to make their decision.

Sarah - posted on 12/02/2015

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Then wait for him to ask to see her and respond accordingly at the time. Yes he can come over and play for a few hours or he can take her to the park. If he doesn't approach you, fine. In the meantime get child support orders and file to be the primary custodian. If he show up at your door wanting to see her you can't deny him, unless you have a court order. So get that set and wait to see what he decides.

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Mirjam - posted on 12/02/2015

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No worries, and good luck. Its hard to be in this situation, but stay strong for your beautiful daughter.

Shyla - posted on 12/02/2015

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As of right now he's not even on her birth certificate. I'm sorry but I really don't appreciate you suggesting that I am a "selfish prick". The last thing I'm being is selfish. I've asked him multiple times if he's wanted to see her and every time he has been disrespectful in one way or another. All I'm asking for is if the court will consider the things I have listed in the decision of custody and visitation. My god, I am NOT trying to keep him away if he honestly does want to be a part of her life, but not once has he shown interest so all I am saying is I will be telling him that we can work something out and if he doesnt want to negotiate and cooperate then he can choose not to see her or we can take things to court and IF we take things to court AGAIN I only wanted to know if the court will take these things I have said into consideration.

Raye - posted on 12/02/2015

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If you don't have court orders for custody/visitation, then at any time he could show up take the child away from you and the police can do nothing about it. The child belongs to both of you, and if either of you want to be selfish pricks about it, then not having court orders makes it way more messy. The court will look at the attitudes and lifestyle of both parents, and make a ruling based on what they think is best for the child. If he's awarded visitation, and he chooses not to show up, that's his choice. But if he wants to be more involved later on, the court orders would give you a starting point on what rights he actually does have. He couldn't legally take more then what he is awarded by the court without going back to get the orders changed.

Shyla - posted on 12/02/2015

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That's what I'm planning on doing. I'm mainly just wondering if the history of him refusing to see her when I've offered and everything else going to matter when the judge is deciding on custody/visitation if we do go to court.

Shyla - posted on 12/02/2015

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I meant I was willing to let him without going the court route. Of course I have no control if we go the court route. I just know he doesn't actually want to be in her life because he cares about her. It's because he feels pressured to so he doesn't get called a 'deadbeat' or whatever.
I just want the best for my baby. Not a dad who is in and out of her life. Her father has been extremely emotionally abusive to me and the last few times we've talked, he hasn't been respectful nor willing to negotiate a visitation rules we both agree to.

Sarah - posted on 12/02/2015

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"I was willing to work something out with him for my daughters sake. If he wanted to be involved I was going to let him."

You do not have the right to decide if her father see her or not. You are equally obligated to support and equally entitled to parent this child. It does not matter if he denied paternity, or that he drinks or smokes (although you can ask that he not do either when he has her), He is her father and parental alienation is grounds for you to lose custody. Of course you want the best for your child and that would be a healthy relationship with both of her parents. Talk to him about a visitation schedule and get is signed off by a judge, file for child support as well. If you can reach an amicable agreement, that includes him not drinking or smoking when he has her with him, you will be better off that hashing it out in court.

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