Dad wondering if he did the right thing.

Steve - posted on 03/21/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi, I'm not a mom but im a dad and I thought I would get a woman's perspective that doesn't know me or my family.

I just left my wife of 9 years. We have 3 kids age 10, 7 and 3. And I'll tell you why I left. We met in college and started dating within 3 months. Got pregnant and finished college (barely). A couple years after we finished college, we got married. This was mainly the idea of grandparents/parents being "the proper thing to do". Don't get me wrong, I loved the girl. But it was too soon. So many times in my marriage, I had strange gut feelings. Like it was wrong. My wife gave me a lot of reasons to not trust her. There's too much and too many events to write about on here so I'll fast forward to the last 5 years. After we had our second child, we decided to separate mutually because of both of our unhappiness. I took this rough, regretting it right away because of how it affected our oldest child. He took it pretty hard. She seemed to move on right away and started to date. She had 1 BF that lasted about 6 months and another that lasted about 8. I didn't see anyone until a year and 6 months into the separation (and it was completely sexual only). Now I don't know what prompted both of us to meet on the same page, but we suddenl decided to try things out again. She kicked her boyfriend out of the house, and I moved back in. I know this was too fast and we didn't reflect on our feelings for long enough. The kids were excited of course, which made me happy. Here's where it gets complicated. 2 weeks after we got back together, we found out my wife was pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant. So we both knew it wasn't mine and openly talked about it. But we just made my kids years by moving back in, how would I break this news to them that I would move out again?? So I decided to stay and raise this kid as my own, I could handle it. Even if the ex boyfriend and his family got involved, this is my family. Fast forward a year and a half. The boy was born and I was raising as my own. I loved him like my own! He is an amazing kid. We didn't hear much from the family or the sperm donor until after he was born. The sperm donor I didn't think I really had to worry about. He seemed to be a drunk and drug user and always working away. But then I found out my looking through my wife's phone tht she cheated on me with him. I confronted her and she admitted shamefully to it. I don't know why but I stayed with her and we started counselling. The road got a lot rockier, and I knew I didn't trust her one bit, not only because she cheated, but she was so secretive with her phone and it was like her friends she wanted to keep that world separate from me. She never gave me a reason to trust her. So 6 months ago, she told me she wanted to have that family, along with the sperm donor (which I'll admit, seemed to clean up his act) be apart of my youngests life and her life. I don't trust her. I can't handle it. She asked and I told her that I couldn't handle it. But she made the decision anyway. She tells me that the years of neglect and being a "cold wall of emotion" is from her past as a child and having abandonment issues. She also told me tht she's seeing a good therapist and on new pills that help a lot. I've heard it before. So the next day I packed up and left. We told the kids today that I'm moving out and were getting a divorce. We made sure that they knew this wasn't their faults and the issues were between mom and dad. My wife is pissed and extremely emotional that I left. I feel like shit for soon this to the kids. Am I wrong to have left her?

4 Comments

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Steve - posted on 03/21/2014

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She's a good mom and wouldn't put them in harms way and I trust her
In that way. Just not with my heart. Just feel I've dished out so much for this marriage and gotten trampled on in return. Just wanted it to stop.

Jodi - posted on 03/21/2014

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I think you are both responsible for this mess (both of you have made some poor choices that ended up where you are now), and no, you are not wrong to have left the situation. It was toxic for both you and your wife AND for your children. What you have done is in the best interests of everyone. Now you need to make sure that appropriate custody, financial and child support orders are put into place to ensure the children's interests are taken care of first and foremost.

Sharon - posted on 03/21/2014

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Do you love your wife? The best thing a dad can do for his kids is to LOVE THEIR MOTHER.

Sharon - posted on 03/21/2014

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Best for you to see a reliable family counselor. This is far to complicated to be analyzed by strangers who are non-professionals. Can you feel okay with seeing your kids without being in a married relationship? One of my concerns is - not trusting guys your wife may bring into her life that you don't know if you can trust as far as any kind of , sexual and otherwise, of your kids.

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