Dating a Single Mother

Brian - posted on 02/15/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Okay. So I confess. I am a single man. I am not here for a nefarious purpose. I am here to find an answer to a question. That question is how do I maintain or start a relationship with a single mother.

A little background. I am a single man. I have met a woman who is a single mother of an 8 year old son. We have been friends for some time, and I have spent time with her son. He and I actually get along very well, and we have a mutual respect for one another. In other words, if I tell him that it is time for bed, he gives me a hug and he goes to bed. He gets excited about my visits, and is very curious about the relationship between his mother and I.

To make things clear, his mother and I are friends. We met when she was involved with someone else, and I have never made more of the situation than what it currently is, until recently.

We recently spent a week celebrating out mutual birthdays that are a few days apart. It was a very fun, joyous situation until at the end of the night, she made a comment that changed my perspective. She actually took me to her bed in a inebriated state and turned it into a sexual innuendo. Before you ask, No. I did not have sex with her or take advantage of her in any way. But, the situation caused me to look at our relationship in a different light. It made me perceive her as a woman and a potential partner.

To be clear. I am an adult. I accept that she has a child from another man,(who is not even in the picture) and I accept that she has a past. I do not subscribe to the idea of treating a child differently because you are not the birth parent. When you become a family, the genetics mean nothing, It is who and how you choose to spend you life with.

My problem is: How do I address the situation that she is becoming my best friend. How do I tell her, that our friendship is important to me, but I would be interested in seeing if there is something more than just a friendship.

As I stated, I am an adult. To be clear, I am still close friends with my all of my exes. We speak at length on a regular basis, and I am often the first person they call when they have a problem with their new relationships. I do not want to lose my friendship with her, and I am mature enough to not let a potential bad date ruin our friendship. I just don't want to miss out on being with someone I adore because her child adores me as well.

Any advice is appreciated.

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Angela - posted on 02/15/2014

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So how long have you known this woman and her son? You say the boy is 8 but how old is his mother and how old are you?

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Angela - posted on 02/16/2014

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If all that is true Brian and you're reading into it all correctly (and we ladies here on CoM are reading into it correctly) then I reckon you're probably home and dry! Speak to her about it.

Good luck!

Brian - posted on 02/15/2014

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She just turned 34 and I just turned 40.

She and I have known each other for a little over 18 months, and started spending more time with one another in the last 8 months. It was just a casual friendship, and as she was involved with someone when we first met, it was merely a case of casual acquaintance. I actually had never even considered her as a romantic prospect. I certainly found her attractive, but I do not intrude or interfere in the relationships of others as a rule. She was just a casual acquaintance, and we made small talk. About 8 months ago, that changed and she admitted that she really liked me, and considered me a really good person, and we began to have conversations as friends. Around this time, she ended her relationship.

I met her son about 2 weeks prior to the end of her relationship, and have known him for about 5 months.

As I said previously, her son and I get along very well. He has never witnessed his mother and I in any kind of romantic situation, and other than one occasion where he asked if I was in love with his mother, he has never questioned our situation.

She and I have a very good friendship, and she is always opening up to me about her feelings or concerns. She confides in me quite often. For example, I know all the reasons why she ended her relationship. She has shared everything he did right, and every thing he did wrong. It is almost as if she has given me a guide book on her relationship "DOs and DON'Ts".

Brian - posted on 02/15/2014

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Thank you Angela. Yes. I did give her a Valentine. I will not go into details, but it was just a touch more romantic than what a platonic friend would give.

My issue also seems to be her son. He is a wonderful child. A bit precocious at times, but according to him, I am awesome. I can not explain why, but I was always led to believe that having a conversation with a child, talking to them and with them was much better than talking at them. When I am around, or he hears I am coming over, he gets excited, and on several occasions he has mentioned that I am better than his mother's ex-boyfriend.

I am happy to play a male role model in his life regardless of his mother. He is a great young man.

My issue is, I am not interested in her because of her son. I am interested in her despite her son. I am not sure that is the correct way of explaining the situation. In short. I like her son, but it is not now, nor has it ever been my intention to woo her through her son. On the contrary, my interest in her is actually a recent development due to her intoxicated actions.

It is often argued that the behaviors of an intoxicated person are a manifestation of their thoughts. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Her physical action in her inebriated state made me question whether she was interested more than just a friendship. It made me question the possibilities of something more.

An additional piece of background information. If we have not spent any time together, it seems that she contacts me on behalf of her son. Her son wants to see me, or her son needs help with something. I generally will respond and I will come see her son and her, which inevitably leads to me spending time with her after her son goes to bed.

It seems odd, but I worry about seemingly using her son to see her, when I feel like she is using her son to see me. I don't ever want her to think I care about her son just so I can spend time with her. As I said, I like her son, and he likes me. She is my friend, but her behavior confuses me.

Another female friend thinks she is using me to play Daddy to her son, or my neutrality is confusing to her. I openly admit, I am not the easiest man to read or understand. I am not a gambler, but apparently I have an amazing poker face. I am very emotional, but apparently I don't let my feelings show in my reactions. I accept that may be the cause of this situation, but it is a recent development and only a few interactions have transpired since my change in perspective.

Angela - posted on 02/15/2014

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Well Brian, yesterday was 14th February - did you send her a Valentine?

All you can do is tell this lady how you feel. Explain your concerns, that you value her friendship and that if you had a relationship it would be wonderful but you'd prefer NOT to have a relationship if it's going to fail and then there'd be the possibility that the 2 of you wouldn't even be friends!

Do NOT speak of the drunken pass she made at you when you were in her bed but behaved like a gentleman! You know, that MAY have been her way of letting her know that she likes you and perhaps your restraint in that situation made her think that her feelings weren't reciprocated! However you won't really know where you stand unless you speak to her.

Good luck!

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