Daughter

Lorraine Van - posted on 09/16/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Hello
My 19 year old daughter is sleeping over at her boyfriends house a few times a week. They have only been dating 3 months. We as parents are strict on her. But after lots of fights we have allowed her to sleep out, actually she does not ask, she just stays away. She has also met a new group of female friends. They told her that she must put her foot down and push boundaries with us. She does not smoke or drink and is still a virgin. Scared the fresh freedom shes getting is going to change all of this. She treats us like the enemay and her new boyfriend and friends the best ppl around.
Thank you Lorraine
My daughter and I always had a open and close relationship. Know it's gone. When we got into a argument the other night. She said I'm a bad mother.

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Jodi - posted on 09/16/2016

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She's an adult. Legally, she IS old enough to make these choices and there is little you could or even SHOULD do about it.

And if she is sleeping over at her boyfriend's a few nights a week....she is most likely NOT a virgin. At the age of 19, I would be incredibly doubtful that you are getting the truth there, but ultimately, her sex life is also none of your business.

You can still have a close relationship with your daughter, but you need to be more accepting of your relationship evolving from one of parent-child. She is an adult - you need to accept that and work on developing an adult relationship with her.

Michelle - posted on 09/17/2016

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I posted this in the duplicate post so will paste it here.

She is an adult legally she can make her own choices but if she is living in your house you should write up a contract of what you expect from her when she is living in your house.
I highly doubt that she is still a virgin if she is staying at her boyfriends place a few times a week.
Sometimes being strict it causes the children to really explore their freedom when they are of age. There is a fine line between raising well behaved children and giving them freedom and raising children in a strict household and them staying there.
You can't go back now but hopefully she will make good choices with her new found freedom.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/16/2016

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I guess we just approached it differently with both of our boys...we had a constant dialog about the same things Sarah did, as well as letting them know that they would be expected to take on adult responsibility such as rent, bills, etc.

Once the eldest was 18, he began paying room and board, and had to keep up with reasonable expectations, such as entering quietly when he came in after midnight, and letting us know if he wouldn't be home, but other than that, not much. Granted our house was too small for overnight guests...lol, and with my son's views on girlfriends and marriage, which are very conservative, that was never an issue.

Dove - posted on 09/16/2016

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She's an adult now. You can have a contract written up for what you will or will not allow in your own home (including how much she pays for rent and what household responsibilities she has... like cleaning up her own messes, being quiet when coming home late, or calling if she's not coming home (out of respect)), but you no longer have the right or ability to dictate the choices she makes w/ her own life. If you are still treating her like you would if she were 17... she SHOULD be 'pushing boundaries'. If you start treating her w/ the same respect you would an adult friend of yours... you may just find that she starts treating you w/ the same respect.

Sarah - posted on 09/16/2016

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This can be a challenging age to parent. She is an adult, true. However she still lives in your home. My my adult son is home from college, he is expected to follow our rules. He is not allowed overnight female guests. I have three other kids younger than him, and I expect him to set an example for them. However, if he elects to stay out, all I ask is that he let us know. I don't pry into his business but we have had a constant dialog all his life about safety, sex, drinking and driving, drugs and the consequences he could face for poor decisions. I don't need to remind him anymore I can see it in his actions. If you have always been close with her, that does not need to change. You had a fight, that happens. Try to treat her like the young adult she is and a relationship of loving and mutual respect can be formed.

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Jodi - posted on 09/16/2016

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We have expectations and boundaries too, but it isn't around controlling adult choices. It is around general respect for everyone living in the household. Although now that my son is living in his own apartment downstairs in our house, with its own entrance, etc, paying rent and utilities, it is around being respectful of noise levels, use of the property, etc. But even when he was living in his room in the house, he was paying board and had expectations around letting us know if he wouldn't be home, keeping noise to an appropriate level, consulting with us around inviting guests, etc. His girlfriend wasn't allowed to stay over, but she now lives in the apartment downstairs with him - that's his space that he rents. His choice.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/16/2016

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Honey, if she's sleeping at her boyfriend's it is highly unlikely that she is a virgin, but...it is absolutely NONE of your business. It is her body, and her right.

That being said, I also need to point out that YOU don't get to make ANY decisions regarding her life now, She turned the corner from your kid to adult when she turned 18.

It is great that you get along so well, but you need to modify from "protective parent" to "interested fellow adult".

Stop trying to be in total control of your adult child. You will find that your relationship improves, and so does her behaviour.

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