Daughter begging for attention from biological father, he doesn't....

Fab - posted on 08/23/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Good evening,
First day here.... :) I have a 9 year old daughter. Her biological father and I broke up (7/2007) after he choked me, I called the police and he was arrested. She was 10 months old at the time. He would occasionally take her Tuesday and Friday after work and bring her back the same day. I have never filled for custody nor child support.
In 6/2009 I met my now husband and we married in 11/2010.
In 2012, Her Biological father moved 5 hours away and it REALLY took a toll on her. She was devastated, she was not focusing in class, her grades started to drop.... My husband and I started spending more quality time with her and soon she was back to her normal, happy self.
She has been an amazing child overall, shes top 3 in her class and her grades are amazing. Her biological father would come and visit his family and her every 3-4 months.
8/2014- Biological father comes to visit.... He picks up our daughter and my daughter calls me that shes having a horrible day. Apparently biological father brought his girlfriend of 1 month, and her 2 daughter with him!
My daughter was so bummed because he didn't tell her before hand. I explained to my daughter that its okay, he probably was embarrassed, etc...
She also learned that they were then living together.
So my daughter got over it and he would come every 2-3 months, with his girlfriend and her kids. My daughter started asking question like "If they live together, doesn't that mean he is spending time with his girlfriends little girls (ages 2 and 8)? That is not fair mommy!" "Mommy, why doesnt my dad spend time alone with me anymore?"

I was heartbroken!!
As of 2-3 months ago, he has been visiting more often, every time with his GF and her kids.
Every time my daughter is on the phone with him, she begs him for alone time with him. She wants at least 30 minutes of his undivided attention but he always says he cannot leave his GF behind!!! My daughter is tired of it and my husband and I are too!
My husband is an awesome father, he loves my daughter and my daughter loves him, we have never blocked her biological father from her, but now I really feel like moving and cutting ties with him forever. Its painful to see my daughter seeking and asking for attention from him and I DO NOT want her doing this with men in the long run....
He has been very insulting as of lately too...

Have any of you been in a similar situation?? I really need your support....
Thanks in advance! :-)
and just a little FYI, my husband has been in my daughters life since she was 2, he has raised her and she has called him daddy since after we were married. He is an outstanding father, he gives her attention, helps her with homework, buys her necessities, takes her on daddy/daughter dates.

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Lisa - posted on 08/24/2015

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It is good that your daughter has a daddy role model who loves her and treats her the way a father should, that will go along way for her development. As for her bio dad, it may be just an example to her of the challenges of life. Do you think that this might be a "teachable moment" she can compare the two men in her life and know there is a really good way and a not so good way, we all make choices and your DH has made a great choice in how he treats her and cares for her. Life brings hard challenges for kids sometimes, but it sounds like your daughter has a loving, stable and thriving family life. She is blessed. Here are some articles on co-parenting that might be helpful: http://bit.ly/1JvDJBZ

Dove - posted on 08/24/2015

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Just be there for her. I have a similar situation, but in 7.5 years (my girls are 13... son is 7.5) my daughter has literally NEVER talked to me about it... and likely never asked her father either. I only found out how much it hurts her (suspected it would, but she handles it well) because I looked at a conversation she had w/ her best friend....

It is NOT easy, but there really isn't much you can do other than love her through it. I think the fact that she is expressing herself is a good sign. She may benefit from some additional support (counseling...either private or through the school).

Raye - posted on 08/24/2015

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I don't think that 30 minutes of undivided attention is too much to ask. But, you can't dictate terms of how he spends his time with her. And you can't deny him because you don't like his decision on this matter. If you spoke with him about it, I would say something like... you realize that this is a delicate time with his girlfriend, and he is trying to keep both parts of his family happy. But these visits are the ONLY time that your daughter gets to see him, while the GF and her kids have access to him much more of the time. I would say that it is important for your daughter to get to know and spend time with the GF and kids, since she may be the step-mother at some point. But that a little one-on-one time is also necessary for your daughter's adjustment and well-being. Then drop the subject, and let him decide how to handle it.

As the others have said, just keep reassuring your daughter that she is loved, and that her father is doing what he feels is the right thing for him. It could be that the girl is used to being the center of attention as an only child in your house, and now she does have to learn to share the attention of a parent with others. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it's not the worst thing in the world. We don't always get things exactly as we want them in the real world.

I understand your concern that she may have issues in future romantic relationships based on her father's actions. I had those kinds of issues through my teens, but my dad wasn't around at all after the divorce, and didn't make the effort to stay involved in my life at all. At least your ex is trying to stay involved. He does seem to care about her and want to see her. That should account for something.

Sarah - posted on 08/23/2015

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She is jealous of the children that do get her bio-dad's time and attention and at 9 she isn't mature enough to see that she is getting the same benefit from her step-dad. You can't dictate to him that he must come alone. It'd be nice if he'd make the effort to meet his child's request but if he refuses, there isn't much you can do but reassure your daughter how much she is loved. Even though you've never requested child support, you can't just cut her bio-dad out of her life because you don't like his behavior. You are both equally obligated to financially support her until age 18, so I don't know why you never filed for support. As her bio parents you are both equally entitled to parent her. thus far you've been able to negotiate that agreement. If you were to try to cut ties with I'm, he could file for joint or full custody.
Maybe encourage bio-dad to make more of an effort to spend alone time with is child. In the meantime, remind your daughter how much her step-dad loves her and how lucky she is to have such a loving step-dad.

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Sarah - posted on 08/24/2015

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if you have not requested him to come alone, why don't you. Tell him his daughter really desires some one on one time with him. Maybe he is afraid to be alone with her?

Fab - posted on 08/24/2015

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Thank you Sarah, we do reassure her that we love her as much as we can... :-)
We have never asked him to come alone, all we've asked from him is to pay attention to his daughter's emotional needs. He has a saying "She'll be okay, she'll get over it and she will forgive me when she's older because she is my daughter"
My daughter has spoken to him in various occasions, regarding alone time and he says that he can't, that she needs to understand that he is happy with his new family therefore they all come along during "their" visits.

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