Daughter has horrid boyfriend...help

Robin - posted on 01/15/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

5

5

0

Hi..does anyone have a clue on how to deal with your 19 daughter who still lives at home and has the most disrespectful arrogant boyfriend ever? In a nutshell this kid has the nerve to tell me that I dont love my daughter because I do not think its proper for her to stay out all night and sleep with him. Or that she should actually finish college since he thinks its great for her to cut class and actually drop out in order to see him. An avalanche of lies spews out of her mouth daily and they wonder why we get angry since her father and I are financially supporting her. Since Sept she has run away, given him 300 dollars, had her coat stolen at his house, cut school so much so that we had to physically drive her to school so she could get credit for half the classes she was actually taking because she couldnt TRUST her own self to do it, and has lost her virginity which sickens us the most since this is her first and only boyfriend and most anyone wouldnt even allow this kid into their house let alone their daughter. By the way she has had many boys ask her out and she has allways declined...this one is the ugliest most undesirable unemployed high-school drop-out with such an awful attitude that she could have possibly find. I have seen first hand how he guilts her into feeling bad for him...he even claimed he would commit suicide if she didnt say she loved him...I also know for a fact that she told a friend before he actually ran them all out of her life that she didnt want to break up with him because then she would nobody. I am at my wits end. Is there anyone who can shed some light. Please help. Thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kandice - posted on 01/16/2009

7

30

1

well  i once was 19 and did some really stupid stuff.. my parents tried everything but i wouldnt listen  i now wish i had.. but they gave me some tough love  u may have to do the same i would put your foot down. do not enable her if shes out all nite lock the door take the keys ..if she dont want to go to school bill her for rent and she has to pay for her food.. it may sound like u wouldnt care but the fact it thats what she would have to do if she was out on her own..give her a taste.. also  counciling may help  and be nosey check to make sure shes not using drugs or trying to get pregnant.. scary things to hear but yeah it happens  or if ya want to get dirty there are ways stalking finding out whats going on .. being brutal sometimes is an only option.. in the end it will turn out ok  i was a horrible person and like i said tough love..if ya dont then shes just gonna walk on you and use you and right now at 19 its about her she thinks she is in love.. maybe showing  her its not  what it seems could help..but honestly she will do what she wants till its over with him but by then she could be in trouble...i hope not those situations are hard to get out of.. and hard for you.. i hope the best

User - posted on 01/16/2009

2

0

1

i really feel sorry for u i wish u well what ever u do,I can only say ypur never alone theres many parents like you im one of them. Dont give in to her u r stronger than u think best wishes alyson

Robin - posted on 02/09/2016

20

0

0

Yes my daughter is dating a creep also. I pray everyday to move away from the lazy, homeless bf. He also steals. I will pray for you also. I know it is awful. only prayer will work.

Ez - posted on 01/19/2009

40

11

7

She is YOUR daughter, living in YOUR house and she must abide by the rules that YOU set and respect them, even if she doesn't like them.



This is hard for you and your husband, but you need to stop making little excuses and stop enabling her, like someone else here said.



Sit her down. You and your husband together. No distractions. No raised voices or argumentative tones. She's not allowed to interrupt you. Tell her that you love her. Explain that you pay for her college because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to and that you want her to get a good education, if that's what she wants. But if she's not going to go, then you're not going to pay.



Tell her why you don't like The Boyfriend (ultimately, The Boyfriend's attitude is not your problem. It's his and the way he was raised, but you don't have to put up with the same from your daughter). Then say The Boyfriend is not allowed in the house anymore - no exceptions! If she doesn't like these terms, she can move out. If she moves out, you need to have a good cry, but accept it.



I think she needs to hear most of this from her Dad because coming from you, it seems like she's heard it all before and that you have to say it coz you're her Mom *blah blah blah*. Also, I think hearing from Dad that he doesn't like the way another male is treating her, may have a bigger impact as her male role-model.



You've got great advice from some of the other Mom's on here. Remember you're not alone and you're doing your best, even if sometimes it seems like it's not good enough or like you're banging your head against a brick wall.



She needs your guidance whether she appreciates it right now or not. Be strong even if you want to give in.





Good luck!

Peace.

Stephanie - posted on 01/19/2009

5

19

0

This is about your daughter and her relationship with her parents, not the BF. It sounds like she has self-esteem issues and is almost obsessed with this kid. I was that way at her age and it's not healthy. I was so consumed with having a BF that it made me sick! You can't stop them from seeing each other - so let her know she doesn't have to appease you, she deserves to be happy - for now with him, but the bigger issue here is that you not make excuses for why she is lying to you still and still not earning your trust. When you live with your parents - you're SUPPOSED to come home at curfew and clean up after yourself and do your own laundry and not be a mooch. She's not going above and beyond or doing anything spectacular. She's meeting the minimum requirement for living in your house. And she's still lying to you. Either you want to change it or you don't. Plain and simple. It sounds like you have some issues,too - maybe you don't want to be the bad guy and kick her out, or you don't want your daughter to not like you by drawing a firm boundary, but you need to work it out! It's time your husband man up too and let her and the BF know that it's not OK that they've treated your like dirt and it won't be tolerated. As a reformed belligerent teenager (I'm now 33, married to a great guy and expecting a baby!), I can honestly tell you that it sounds like you and your husband need to get some perspective. SHE's 19!!! What does she know about the world when she's been under your apron all these years? Are you really going to let some loser punk kid with a big mouth tell you how the world works? Stop the lying now and set up some boundaries. Whether its the fact that the BF is not welcome in your house because he's been so disrespectful, to the conditions she MUST abide by to while living in your house - you rule the roost in your home and it's time you remember who is paying the bills - not your daughter. While I'm on the subject, perhaps its time that your daughter get a job and start paying bills or keep her butt in school or let her know she will have to start making other plans in the next 6 months. Chances are she might opt to move out and go out on her own (I did) and realize that it's not easy being a grown up and ask to come home (I did) - to which the rules will not have changed. My parents rule was: you work or you go to school if you want to live here. Just working stunk, so I decided to go to work part-time and go to school and I earned a BA and a pass to Grown-up Land in the process. She's a spoiled brat who doesn't respect you and while you can't undo that, you can let her know the rules have changed. Don't be like other moms who have kids they can't control and they've made excuses for them, and now their kids have drug problems and they steal money and have babies. Maybe your situation isn't this bad, but you better nip it in the bud before you find out. She's willing to throw her future away on this guy - who knows what she'll do to keep him! You know he's not the one - she'll find that out on her own in time. The only thing you can do is keep respect and boundaries as a part of your relationship with your daughter. Let her know that you lover her, as I'm sure she does, but you letting her get away with anything that is not preparing her for the the world outside of your home is a disservice to her and will ultimately become something you and your husband will have to clean up. Best of luck to you.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

19 Comments

View replies by

Ruble - posted on 10/29/2012

1

0

0

Robin

My daughter Shannon graduated high shcool this year and started a job at the local Chilis resturant where she met a real creep of a boy. he is 21 high school dropout and a dishwasher. She told me that he always said the right things to her. All I ever got out of him was lies. On 10/28/12 he convinced her to come to his house for a late night. At about 11:00pm he took her car keys away from her and told her he was going to go visit one of his local friends. She jumped into the passenger side and argued with him. She wanted to go home and he refused to give her car back. He raced down a back road with her in the car. the story we got was he said to hell with your car and drove it into a fence killing my daughter. I am not Shannons mother I am her dad. Her mother and I found this web site in the middle of shannons relationship with this boy. I tried the {be the boys friend and she will get bored of him aproach}.

Her mother was not able to do that. She could not stand that boy. I am not sure what the answers are but I can tell you that I wish we would have made more of an attempt to get them apart. Perhaps by proving all the lies were lies. Saying all the right things to her doesnt mean anything if they are lies. Please be aware of how dangurous some of these situations can be.

[deleted account]

Sounds to me like you've got all the answers you need inside you.  Think back to when you were doing what you were doing at 19, and the reasons your parents kicked you out.  Is there anything they could have said or done differently to have made you change your path.  If yes, then that is what you need to do with your daughter.  If not, and I'm suspecting this is more likely, then there is nothing you can do but let go of the attempts at control you are making.  All you are doing is treating the surface issues with curfews and the like, the underlying problems are still there in your daughter.

Robin - posted on 01/19/2009

5

5

0

Well first off she has a job.. but she just buys junk...occasionally I can get some money towards the new car that I bought for her in lieu of her finishing college. I have tried to instill in my daughter what is right and proper. I never wanted her to get a job because it would be a distraction but she got one anyway. Her first car was a piece of crap and was totaled and I really didnt want to buy another piece of crap so I opted for a new car. Not that expensive but an expense none the less. I am a fool...I admit it. If I could turn back time I would. Spoiled may not be the word I would use. We do not have the best of everything. I do beleive that I do put my kids before myself but that is because my mother never did so for me. All I wanted was a good girl that went to college and met a good guy. Instead my daughter demanded that she work at the mall to obtain a social life...she then met a bunch of losers that told her that she should move out and grow up on her own and do what she wishes for herself. She threw away any friends that were good and opted for these morons that were always around telling her it would be so much better if she left. She swears that she is going to change...do I kick her out just because I dont like the piece of crap shes going out with? Is it really my choice? I dont know anymore. As for driving her to school ...that was so we all knew that she was actually going to the last classes of the semester which you should also know I put all the loans in her name. So, Yeah she lives here rent free, and drives a new car, which I do try get money for, she also has about $7000 in loans already. She does have to go to school if she is living here....but maybe I should have asked how to get rid of him. Yes she is not listening to my advice but what teenager listens to her parents? I can not kick her out...I just cant! It would kill me! I havent said this yet but my parents did the same to me and I left and got married a week after I was 19. I am still married and have four kids...we made it but it has been a long hard journey. We both have good jobs...but now you must have a degree to even flip burgers....I just wanted better for her. I dont know if she will leave but I will not kick her out. I have turned off any internet and phone services provided in my house from 11 pm til 9am. She has a curfew that even I think is early but shes been sticking to it for 2 weeks now. I just wish she would make a better choice than him. He is a loser that is and will continue to bring her down with him. She has to make the choice to leave. Seeing him at this point is really the only thing she is doing that is disrespectful right now. She is trying to fix everything else. I did tell her today that I appreciate her effort but ...I am not sure how long it will last. I cannot express the pain and sorrow I felt when she left in Oct. not because she left me, but because I didnt physically know if she was alright. maybe when you have a child of your own you will see and feel that bond. It is a great one. I admire and understand how hard it was for some of the women to have to let their children go at such young ages and am happy that for them it was a happy ending.....notice that I have not heard from any that did not have happy endings. Where are they? I cannot be the parent who buries their child and also be the person who kicked them out!

Robin - posted on 01/19/2009

5

5

0

Thank you to everyone that posted...everyone helped me so much!! I think sometimes you just dont know where to turn and you all made me feel as though I am not alone. I cannot kick her out...it is just not in me. I keep telling myself that I didnt marry my first boyfriend and that maybe this is just a phase that she will grow out of. She is coming home at curfew now and only trying to see him one night a week to appease me and I guess sneaking him in somewhere during the day when at work. I think what kills me is the lack of trust I have in her now. I know that I wont LOVE every boy she decides to date. I just do not trust this one at all. She said this weekend that she cannot help wanting to be with him. It makes me sad that I have to be the one to explain to her that what she is feeling right now is not the end and only the beggining of better feelings to come and that this boy is not the one and there are better. I know she knows and I know that she doesnt want to let him go because then she would have"no one". It is just very sad! But thank you to everyone...what I think I am going to do is just pretend that he does not exsist. If she goes out she has a curfew...if she takes care of her responsibilities in the house and for herself, can I ask for more? Maybe he will just go away or she will move out with him...it will be hard but either way the end result is her leaving. I dont want to be the cause of her leaving...I want it to be her decision totally. If she leaves , she leaves...I told her I didnt die the first time she left, I was just very sad and I was very dissapointed in her...but life goes on....and for her it will not be easy...for me there is always therapy and all you guys for support.

[deleted account]

Sounds just like a relationship I was in at the same age.  The mind control the boy is using on her is awful - my partner said the exact same thing to me: that if we broke up then I would have nobody.  I agree with what everyone else has said, that it's time to let go and see how she goes on her own.  But also make sure that she knows YOU love her and that she is welcome back at home anytime she is feeling willing.  Be very clear that you are asking her to leave because her behaviour is unacceptable, but that you love her as a person very very much.

Jessica - posted on 01/16/2009

7

11

1

been there done that... that was me when i was in school my mom couldn't stand my boyfriends but the more you tell her the more she will do..... just let her make her own mistakes i know its hard but its all you can do... as far as him saying he will kill himself i had a few guys say that and Ive not met one yet tat has. its a cry for attention.

Brenda - posted on 01/16/2009

6

1

0

I have a 19 year old daughter and a 23 year old daughter both had bad abussive boyfriends. Our rule was they were not allowed at our house if they wanted to put up with that go for it but we didn't have to. The 19 yr old dumped the boy because she wanted to be home the 23yr old moved in with him and visits without him.

Nicole - posted on 01/16/2009

103

7

10

hun i know its tough..but i my teen daughter was acting like this...i told her if she dint like my rules to please feel free to move out which she evenutally did and now thats shes an adult she realises. that tough love was the only way...your daughters takeing you and your hubby for a ride its time you tell her to find a job and move out..shes an adult now and doesnt need you guys to support her do it before she comes home pregnant and expects you to support her for life.....and if anyone says anyhting to you about you being horrid parents tell them to feel free and take her and her bf in i bet they wont....

Robin - posted on 01/16/2009

5

5

0

Thank you. I very much appreciate your advice and hopefully I can convince myself to try it :)

Lela - posted on 01/16/2009

4

10

1

Well, reality has a way of creeping up on the best of us. Once she is out in the world and has to pay for all her own stuff, and pay her own bills, she will realize what you have done for her. My son doesn't remember talking crap to me when he was that age, but he does tell me he thinks his sister disrespects me at times. What is so funny is she isn't nearly as bad as he was at her age. He got so bad that even the smallest talk about anything turned into a fight, where we were being really unresonable and blaming him for everything. It is so much nicer now. He rented his own place and lived on his own for one year. When we asked him if he would like to come home he didn't exactly jump at the idea, but he did end up deciding to come live back at home. He told me pretty frankly that it sucks having to pay all the bills by yourself, and that when you get your paycheck it is pretty much gone after you pay bills. He was even giving his sister a hard time when she asked me to buy her something and I told her I couldn't because I had to use my money to pay bills. He started telling her that she would understand when she moved out on her own. The first time that happened imagine the surprise I felt that he was sticking up for me with his sister, and trying to explain to her what life after living with the parents would be like. It was too funny after I got over the shock.



 



P.S. If you let her stay and keep taking all the abuse she won't stop. In fact, it could get worse, because she will began to think that you won't do anything to stop her from using you up and spitting you out. I don't think she will hold a grudge for her entire life, but it could take a 6 months to a year to let her get a taste of reality. The only other advise I could give you is to not give her any money while she is out of the house, because you want her to get the full effect of living on her own without your help. If you do want to help her out, lend her the money and make her pay it back before she gets anymore. This step is the hardest because as parents we want to bail our kids out when they get into trouble, but they won't learn anything if we keep doing it.

Robin - posted on 01/16/2009

5

5

0

I thought about that and I have threatened it and then I think that she will then tell everyone she knows that we are horrid parents...I dont know if I can take that either. What I posted is only the tip of the iceberg with what she has done to totally humiliate me. She even threatens me that she will leave again because I begged her to come home last time. I have told her if she leaves again That I will help her pack her clothes and that she will be the one begging to come home. That harsh fact is that she is very much like me in attitude and will carry the torch til she dies to prove a point. Like she wont come home to prove she can stay out. If I kick her out I can tell her its her choice because of her actions but she will just say its because I am evil and kicked her out. I am lost.

Lela - posted on 01/15/2009

4

10

1

Well, it sounds to me like you need to let her move out and quit school. I know that sounds harsh, but let me tell you that I had to cut my son loose for awhile. He found out really fast that it sucks working making his own money and paying all his own bills. After about a year of this he has moved back in and I don't have to deal with the attitude anymore. He is like a totally different kid. He appreciates what we do for him now, and he doesn't fly off the handle over every little suggestion we make. We are actually becoming friends as well as parents. I would also quit paying for her college education until she appreciates it again. I mean all you are doing at this point is enabling her to make crappy grades and lower her GPA. Once she realizes that you and your husband won't support her while she is seeing this loser and that she needs to straighten up before you will help her out again, then you will see a totally different kid.

User - posted on 01/15/2009

2

0

1

Quoting Robin:

Daughter has horrid boyfriend...help

Hi..does anyone have a clue on how to deal with your 19 daughter who still lives at home and has the most disrespectful arrogant boyfriend ever? In a nutshell this kid has the nerve to tell me that I dont love my daughter because I do not think its proper for her to stay out all night and sleep with him. Or that she should actually finish college since he thinks its great for her to cut class and actually drop out in order to see him. An avalanche of lies spews out of her mouth daily and they wonder why we get angry since her father and I are financially supporting her. Since Sept she has run away, given him 300 dollars, had her coat stolen at his house, cut school so much so that we had to physically drive her to school so she could get credit for half the classes she was actually taking because she couldnt TRUST her own self to do it, and has lost her virginity which sickens us the most since this is her first and only boyfriend and most anyone wouldnt even allow this kid into their house let alone their daughter. By the way she has had many boys ask her out and she has allways declined...this one is the ugliest most undesirable unemployed high-school drop-out with such an awful attitude that she could have possibly find. I have seen first hand how he guilts her into feeling bad for him...he even claimed he would commit suicide if she didnt say she loved him...I also know for a fact that she told a friend before he actually ran them all out of her life that she didnt want to break up with him because then she would nobody. I am at my wits end. Is there anyone who can shed some light. Please help. Thanks


 

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms