Daughter in law gives me the impression

Cindy - posted on 10/11/2015 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I get the impression my daughter in law doesn't want me to see my grandchildren,she would let me babysit,have them over night,hold the baby,and next year she doesn't even want to spend Christmas with me,it seems everything is once sided to her family,if son says anything they fight about it. I would like to say something. Both her and my son know I don't drive,I work and if I want to go out to see them I have to call first to make sure they she didn't make plans. I feell like I am being pushed out as grandmother, I am the only parent left that my son has left that is alive.

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Amanda - posted on 10/14/2015

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Being on the DIL side of this very argument (I'm not Cindy's DIL, but my own DIL is much like her), I wanted to chime in. My MIL seems to feel that she deserves grandparents' rights as well (even though the state we reside in with the child does not recognize grandparents rights). My husband moved out on his own at 20 and moved back in at 24 to help care for his mother when she came home from a 6 week stay at an inpatient mental ward for depression. Every time he mentioned looking for a new place, his mother went back into depression and guilted him. We started dating when he was 27, and she has hated me ever since (10 years now). She has always tried her best to exclude me from family events, and since we struggled with fertility, it was only he and I for many years, so holidays weren't a struggle, especially since they lived out of state, we did Christmas eve with his parents at his grandparents a couple of hours away, and then Christmas day with my family, enjoying each other's company that night with gifts for us and the furbaby. Once I got pregnant, the attitude was worse from her. She was constantly grabbing my belly even though hubs had asked her not to because I was at one time in an abusive relationship and also have aspergers and do not like physical contact unless invited first. She never asked but would just grope. Once she even put her arm around my throat and had me in a headlock trying to feel the baby kick. If she had ever asked if she could please feel the baby, I could've braced myself and let her, but she said she didn't have to ask because it was her grandchild. My husband and I have a weird dynamic. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions, and he doesn't want to see her much anymore when she visits because of her attitude. She undermines the decisions we have made as parents and argues with him in front of our 5 year old, and he is to the point he avoids her. A disagreement ensued between MIL and hubs last weekend over a carseat. Hubs told her she could not pick up our daughter as originally allowed because she went behind our back and bought a carseat without asking if it was a safe one for our daughter to be in, and after her arguing a year ago that there was no need for her to still be in a 5 pt harness seat, he wasn't chancing it being a booster seat. She automatically assumed I was behind the decision and called me a crazy witch. She also resents that we require her to ask if we have plans before she shows up because she won't let us know her itinerary when she visits, so I don't hold off on other plans hoping she comes around. They argue that they come all this way to visit and they deserve unlimited access to their grandchild even if it means we have to cancel plans with others, but when they come to visit, socializing with friends who never call and chat with them any other time come before granddaughter. So that excuse doesn't wash. When she asks why grandma and grandpa didn't visit her more, we're honest and tell her that they have so many people to visit when they come that they don't know how to manage time to make sure they get to visit with her. You have to understand that once your son got married, his responsibility to you ended. His responsibility is his own family (his wife and children) and you are now extended family. He no longer has to fit you into his life, you have to conform yourself to fit in his life. Heck no I wouldn't let someone who smokes babysit my daughter. we have a friend with a child who has severe asthma, and an aunt who smokes takes a shower and changes clothes before holding the baby, but the smoke is in her pores and the baby still has attacks when she's "cleaned up". You need to step back and evaluate how important a relationship with your grandchildren is to you. If it's not important, keep on going with your nose in the air making it a pi$$ing contest and your son won't work to keep you involved in their life. But if having a relationship with your son and grandchildren is important to you, you'll accept and love your daughter in law and accept the boundaries they've set for their little family. I heard a saying once, but I can't find the ecard for it now. Something along the lines of love and respect your daughter in law because she will be the first to bridge the growing gap between you and your son and grandchildren, she will encourage him to call you on days he's angry and doesn't want to speak with you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/15/2015

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Public forum, Ma'am. If you don't want any more comments, close the thread.

Please consider some counseling to help with your excessive control issues and your possible narcissism

Jodi - posted on 10/15/2015

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Cindy, you asked for advice on a public forum. Clearly you only posted here for validation - you didn't want any actual advice on what to do.

Good luck with your relationship with your grandchildren if you are going to continue to stand your ground on these issues. In fact, by continuing to take the attitude you are taking, you may also be saying goodbye to having a reasonable relationship with your son and the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

Just remember, he didn't choose to spend the rest of his life with YOU. He chose to spend the rest of his life with HER. You need to be respectful of that or risk losing him.

Perhaps counselling would be beneficial for you.

Raye - posted on 10/13/2015

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UK just passed a law that makes it illegal to smoke in cars with children present. US seriously needs to consider doing the same. Second-hand smoke is bad for kids. Even if you don't smoke during their visit, the toxins are still present in your home.

You seem like a meddlesome woman, and it's no wonder that your son's wife might want to cut the apron strings where her children are concerned. You are undermining their marriage by gossiping about her with your son behind her back. You are threatening to sue them for visitation (which many states do NOT have grandparents rights). Seems like you need to back off. Maybe have a civilized conversation about why she has reduced contact, let her know it hurts your feelings and you are willing to work on the issues. Then, actually BE willing to work on the issues. You keep pressing, and you'll lose out COMPLETELY. Be a little reasonable, and maybe she'll loosen up.

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Cindy - posted on 10/15/2015

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I don't like any of these reponses that I am getting so please don't answer me any more I know want I need to do. So please stop replying to me thank you

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/14/2015

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If you already live away from them what is moving going to change? "I've thought about quitting smoiking"...Here's an idea...JUST DO IT! I did...so have MANY others.

Something OTHER than just this is going on my dear, your last post addressing this indicated so. Be a friggin adult. ADDRESS the issues without being confrontational, and quit trying to put your son against his wife. Some supportive parent you are...

Jodi - posted on 10/14/2015

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You know what, Cindy? Just keep bitching about how you should be able to smoke around your grandkids, and how you shouldn't have to call before you go over there to visit. That will fix everything (sarcasm).

OR you could just stop smoking in your house and respect the fact that it's actually polite to call before you visit people and have a relationship with your grandkids.

Your DIL is not the one being unreasonable here. You are. And to be perfectly honest, the more I read from you, the more certain I am that you are the one that is the problem.

Saying that your son and his ex didn't mind you smoking around their child does NOT invalidate that fact that it's just plain wrong to smoke around children and that his current wife is the devil incarnate for not wanting you to do it. If you were my MIL, I wouldn't visit your home with my young children either.

You are being stubborn and disrespectful. That is all.

Raye - posted on 10/14/2015

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Calling before you come over is not unreasonable. Not wanting the children around cigarette smoke is not unreasonable. So, the two things you've mentioned as being issues seem like valid points, except you not wanting to be inconvenienced by following your DIL's wishes. I'm sure there's more to it, if she's so determined to reduce your contact with them. So, as I said... stop blaming, stop threatening, stop meddling. Try to have a conversation with your son AND his wife about what the issues are (stop pitting them against each other). Don't take offense to whatever the issues are, and be willing to try to work on them if you really want to have relationships with your grandbabies. Which is more important to you... your pride or your grandchildren? Hopefully you all can come to a compromise.

Cindy - posted on 10/14/2015

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To: Sarah E. Jodie Shawan, Candie ,Raye and Dave: I have thought about quitting smoking and moving out on my own. But my DIL also has grudge on my other sons that she will not let go of it. People at work are saying that if she has problem with me she needs to tell me why.And my other son has spoken with his brother and his brother said that when he trys to talk to his wife about anything to do with his family they started arguing and fighting. So we has giving up and has asked me to come out as much as I can to see my grandchildren. with my older grandson and my son's ex-girlfriend they smoked and still allowed me to babysit when they needed me and they both knew I smoked,I just went outside onto balconay. My son still wants to spend special events,holidays with his mother. Its her not my son.

Sarah - posted on 10/13/2015

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I see both sides but ultimately if my mother had smoked, I'd have kept my children away as well. The sad part is my mom is gone now and the relationship she had with my kids was a real joy for her, my kids and for me. She taught them many things and loved them so very much. My parents are both gone and life is too short. How about you consider quitting the smoking and reach out to your son for a heart to heart?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/13/2015

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I'll also point out that, while my husband and I both smoked, we did NOT smoke in the house or cars, we did NOT smoke around the kids. We also did NOT take our children to environments where they would be exposed to second hand smoke. No bowling alleys, no events where smoking indoors was allowed, no taking them to my paternal grandparents home until they both quit smoking.

Candie - posted on 10/13/2015

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Cindy, maybe you could try to speak to a counselor face to face? You need someone who can see both sides of this, who will understand your position and help explain your son and DIL's. It sounds like you want to be part of LO's lives. So, try to work things out, compromise, and understand that they are trying to do what is right for their family.
I have an aunt who has missed out on her grandchildren's lives. The thing is that no matter what kind of disagreement you have, nothing is worth losing out on the LO's.

Dove - posted on 10/13/2015

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My kids would never go to your house either... grandparent or not.

She is their mother and you'd better smarten up and start respecting her and her VERY reasonable boundaries... or risk completely losing a relationship w/ your grandchildren. You really think a court is going to give you the right to take these children into a SMOKING house against the wishes of their mother? lol That's cute....

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/13/2015

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Wow. So, your daughter in law and son are setting boundaries, and you don't seem to understand why. Let me explain the biggest that I see: YOU SMOKE IN AN ENCLOSED AREA.

That, alone, is enough, IMO, to tell you that the children cannot visit your home, whether it be an apartment or a mansion.

It sounds to me as if they've decided that they want more family holiday time, and more time together as a family. It is not uncommon to have the grandparents heavily involved at first, and then to 'wean' from the grandparents as the kids get older, and the young parents get some experience.

It is also very common for younger parents to decide to stop participating in Christmas day at Grandma's (for example) in order to start forming their own family traditions. This generally steps on some feelings. I know it did with our families the first year we decided it was time to have Christmas day as our immediate, small family, and then celebrate with the extended families at a later (or earlier) time. My mother was flat pissed...until I explained it wasn't about HER, but about our new family and OUR new traditions.

I'd say take a deep breath. Your son and daughter in law are not telling you NO CONTACT. They are enforcing boundaries for raising their family. It's not about YOU anymore, grandma, it's about how you ALL can work harmoniously together. Trust me...going to court over them not coming over on Christmas, and them not wanting the children in a toxic environment full of proven carcinogens is only going to make the situation worse, not better. Abide by their terms. You can still see and be a part of their lives.

Jodi - posted on 10/13/2015

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I'm sorry, you have a problem with her not coming over because you smoke? In an apartment? What part of that's just gross and unhealthy to those who inhale it are you not understanding? I wouldn't bring my kids either. Cindy, these are boundaries. VERY normal boundaries that are reasonable. Of COURSE your son wants you see your grandchildren as much as possible. However, guess what? It isn't going to be on YOUR terms.

Smoking in an apartment? Yeah, I would want my kids there either. Christmas? Their Christmas arrangements are their choice. Pulling the grandparents rights is bullshit and immature if you still get time with them other times. You cant' just dictate your terms. As parents, it is their right to dictate theirs.

So are you saying your son talks about this behind his wife's back? Against the boundaries she has requested? Or is it just that you "know"? From your posts, I'm getting it is the latter.

Cindy - posted on 10/13/2015

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To Jodie: No it is not my son,he wants me to see my grandchildren as much as possible so they can get to know me. Because if there is any boundaries that I can't spend time with my grandchildren during special times I will take her to court for my grandparent rights

Cindy - posted on 10/13/2015

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Candie : I have tried invite them over,she will not come at all,because I smoke and live in apartment.

Dove - posted on 10/12/2015

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Even if it is just her... it's still about boundaries. I don't see a single problem w/ anything you have said she does...

Candie - posted on 10/12/2015

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I'm sorry you're feeling pushed out. It honestly doesn't sound like that's what their intentions are.
Calling first is something I do, no matter who I visit. Have you tried calling them and inviting them to dinner one night? Have you tried setting up a day when you can visit with your grandbaby?

Jodi - posted on 10/12/2015

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Actually, it may be about both - he just doesn't want to tell you.......

Cindy - posted on 10/12/2015

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But son doesn't want this,he wants me to see my grandchildren as much as I can,its not about boundaries it is her

Jodi - posted on 10/11/2015

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Maybe it isn't about not wanting Christmas with you and more about wanting a Christmas with just their family? That's not unusual. Has she indicated WHY she wants Christmas without you? Is it just you or is she excluding everyone from her Christmas?

With regard to the having to call first before you visit, that's a fair call. I generally like to be informed first to make sure I plan around it too. That doesn't mean someone would be unwelcome, just that it is what I would prefer.

Nothing you have mentioned indicates she is trying to push you out, just that she is setting some boundaries.

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