Daughter in military

Bonnie - posted on 11/02/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My daughter has been in the Air Force for 12 years. She was out of the country for 11 of those years. We have stayed close with skype and we visited her often, wherever she was in the world. I have two beautiful grandchildren, 3 & 6. When she called to tell me she was coming home and would be stationed in the states, 1 1/2 hours away, I cried because I was so happy. She told me I would get to be a grandmom! We did their house hunting for them. We worked 4 day work weeks all summer and drove the distance to look at houses they would send their realtor. We would then spend the time drawing house plans, making notes, and sending them video of each one so they could make an informed decision. They decided on a house, moved here and all was fantastic. They told us they both, my daughter and son-in-law, suffer from depression and anxiety. We helped them do things around the house, would spend weekends at their house, took the grandkids places, went to special school activities, and trick or treated with the kids. All was fine for 9 months and then we were cut off. My son-in-law would tell us that my daughter goes into the bedroom for entire weekends if there are people over. She plays games on her tablet and withdraws from the world. The last time we visited, they actually put my granddaughter to bed in a bed she had peed in the night before. My daughter was not brought up that way. They don't take care of the kids properly with night time routines, etc., it's just go to bed. The kids are not getting to be kids. We didn't say a word about this, but still we hear nothing else from my daughter and now my son-in-law because he said they fight about my daughter's behavior all the time. I am hurting so bad inside. I've read up that this type of things happens when military people come home, but there is nothing I can do to fix it. She won't talk about it and says that my asking makes her not want to be around us even more. I am greiving so bad inside. I cry whenever I see little kids with their grandparents and I don't even want the holidays to come. My dream of my family coming home came true, but we were close when they were far away. She would call and ask advice all the time, and skype so the grandkids would stay close with us and know us. Now nothing. It's not fair and I am now physically ill and feel like a huge part of my family died and I don't know what to do. We have done so much for them over the years, and anything they asked of us and I was there when each grandbaby was born to help as well. Even in Japan! , but it seems like since she was in Japan, so far away, she has died inside and her only family is her husband and the kids and has totally withdrawn; even from us

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Raye - posted on 11/02/2015

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Your daughter needs professional help. But you can't force her to get help, she has to want it for it to work. Until she comes to her senses, if you believe they are unfit parents and the kids are being harmed, then you need to think about whether it's worth it to completely alienate your daughter for life by having the kids removed from her home. If you don't think the kids are being harmed enough to have them taken away, then maybe you need to just let her know you're there for her if she needs you, give her space, and let her and her husband work it out.

I understand that it's not easy for you, since this is a complete change from what you thought was happening or would happen. Your expectations are shattered, and you're hurt. It's understandable, but it's not helpful to your daughter to push her for what you want when she is struggling. She needs to get herself straightened out first before she can give any focus to you. You talk about how much you have done for your daughter and her family, but you got enjoyment from that as well, so don't play the martyr. I'm sure she appreciated all that you did. And I'm sure she knows that her condition is not making anyone happy, but that usually makes it harder to emerge from the hole. You make it seem like she's doing it on purpose, and that's not the case. Stop taking it personally and either support your daughter or remove yourself from the drama. You adding the weight and responsibility of making you happy on top of her won't help her back on her feet.

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