Daughter makes me cry

Maria - posted on 04/17/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am a disabled mom of 5, all living at home, oldest 21. My oldest daughter, more than the others, got EVERYTHING, was in every lesson imaginable, even pageants...I wanted my kids to have great self-esteem because I grew up with belittling parents that would hit me with the slightest infraction and swore I'd be the opposite. She's 21 now, and the way she talks to me is literally reminiscent of how MY mom treated ME! I don't understand it. An example: because Im in wheelchair and have trouble getting up early because of headaches and general malaise, I don't go to church as much as I used to. So, I decided to build a small chapel in the backyard, a place where I can go at any time, reflect, pray. Well, I had a friend over, and he asked why I was building it. She jumped in and said "she's building a shrine to herself, because she hates our church". WHAT???? And when I became defensive and corrected her, she said "well, maybe I shouldn't help you out of bed in the morning". Which was humiliating, that was more information than I cared for her to share about me and my needs...just hurtful. When we were alone, I asked why she said that about me hating our church. Her response was "I don't know,that's what I thought". And I told her that telling him I needed help out of bed hurt me(I started crying) and she goes "well, I thought he knew". The worst is as I was telling her how I felt, she was look at me incredulously, like I was crazy to even question it. I love my kids being home with us, the 2 older ones work, but Im happy to give them what they need if I have it. My older son isn't ungrateful or rude. In fact, I can't tell you how many times he's consoled me after she made me cry. The other ones are ok too, but I worry about the example she may be setting. My husband and I have told her we demand she at least show respect and not to embarass us in front of people, but it's a pattern. Does anyone have a solution that doesn't involve splintering the family?

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Raye - posted on 04/17/2015

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WHY it bother's you should not be the point. The point is it DOES bother you, and she should be respectful of that. If she can't, you might start talking about where she will be living next. I know you don't want to go that route, but sometimes that is how they learn.

Raye - posted on 04/17/2015

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My first idea was to suggest trying to share more with her and try to build a closer relationship, but if you did that you could just be giving her more to use against you. I would sit down with her and ask her if there are things that she doesn't understand that you could clarify for her. Let her know that it's impolite to share medical or family information with other people, and that you would prefer to speak for yourself when people ask questions about you or your actions. If you are not there when someone has a question, she should tell them to ask you or that she would have to get back to them with an answer and then she should ask you to make sure she has the right information and that you're okay with it being shared.

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Maria - posted on 04/17/2015

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Thanks, I agree. I just never wanted to reach a point where any of the kids feel they have to go. But I should make it clear that I could.

Maria - posted on 04/17/2015

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I agree...it seems the more info she has, the more she uses to purposely hurt me. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to her about things, but she acts like it wasn't a big deal and can't understand why it bothered me.

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