Daughter molested by stepfather at age 8

Natasha - posted on 02/23/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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So was just wondering if there is anyone in here that is the mother of a child that was sexually abused by their husbands/boyfriends. Its been 3 yrs for me now since it happened. Most of the sadness is gone. But recently my mind has been replaying all the things I know about what happened. Its been "watching" scenes in my head that I don't even know are complete truths but are pieced together by what I know. I hear his voice talking to her, saying things I can't stand to comprehend. I hate it. It impedes my sleep, social activities, and controls my mood. Normally the thoughts come and then they leave being pushed aside and "forgotten" but recently they keep coming back up through out the day and won't leave me alone.
Please any advice that isn't "go see a therapist" would be awesome. I know I need to see one. I"m working on my insurance now. My children already have one and they are my top priority.
I just can't do this on my own anymore. I feel so lost!

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Sarah - posted on 02/23/2016

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@Natasha- If you are studying to be therapist, certainly you have learned about rumination. While it can be difficult to learn to stop and take control of your thoughts, it is possible. Whether you use meditation, physical distraction, purposeful thinking or other method; you can get a grip on the thought and redirect them to more positive or at least neutral thinking.
If you are finding yourself stuck in the process of revisiting and imagining what happened, then IMO you aren't really over the sadness and anger that must have come along with such a terrible event.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/23/2016

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Wow...misconstrued much?

Honey, you put a post out there, seeking advice and suggestions, but immediately negate any possible advice or suggestions by saying "Please any advice that isn't 'go see a therapist'"

I hate to tell you this, but therapy is the solution, and it doesn't HAVE to cost anything.

I agree with Raye's initial response, as well. You replaying things is not helping, and when it starts, you need to redirect yourself immediately, rather than dwelling. Other than that, therapy is the way to go, and I would suggest that perhaps you start checking into services for low income situations, or, (since you say you're in school to BE a therapist) seek help at your institution. They (at least all of the quality institutions) have a department geared for student aid, whether it be financial or mental.

Other than that, I would suggest, if you're not finding this site to be "helpful", you search more directly for your situation: 'online support groups for parents of victims of sexual abuse' would be a good place to start perhaps.

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Raye - posted on 02/23/2016

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I'm thankful that I can't relate to having a child be molested, but I was trying to be helpful. I do deal with replaying in my head all sorts of things that I wish I could have changed. So, I know that part of it. I know it's not something you can "control" necessarily, except to recognize when your brain starts doing it and try to do something else to take your mind off if it, or work through the underlying issues that cause it to keep popping into your brain. You can be in control, and you're choosing not to be, by not recognizing WHY you keep thinking about it. Your mind keeps replaying it because it feels you've left it "on the back burner to simmer" so to speak. Somewhere you have unresolved feelings about it, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you're over it.

My advice on how to deal with advice you don't particularly find helpful in forums like this... don't take it personally and/or don't respond. This is an international forum with many different personality styles. People can only give their opinion. Some might be helpful. Some might not be. We often will say something we feel we've worded very nicely, and the reader (not being able to hear the tone in a written word) will interpret it otherwise based on their mood. So, really there's not much else we who respond can do, except hope that someone actually does find some part of what we say helpful.

Maybe you need to find an online support group more specific to this type of problem, and you'd get more "helpful" advice.

Natasha - posted on 02/23/2016

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I'm not replaying it on purpose. Getting those thoughts to keep passing by and not staying is what I need the help with. I'm not beating myself up. Its not something I can control. I no longer feel guilty. Again this happened over three years ago. Most of the negative feelings that come with this kind of thing has passed.
Again I KNOW I need to see a therapist and I'm working on doing so. Hearing that isn't an issue. I"m going to school to be one.

Didn't realize reaching out and seeking some people going through the same thing would get this kind of response. Thanks for showing me how much people can't relate.

Raye - posted on 02/23/2016

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Replaying it in your mind or creating pictures in your head how you think it may have happened won't change anything. You apparently weren't in the room to know what happened, so you can't accurately imagine it, and I don't know why you would want to try. It was a horrible thing. Feeling guilty, mad, or whatever, won't change it. It happened. It's over. Stop beating yourself up about it.

Today is a gift. Use it to make positive changes. Let go of things you can't do anything about. Make sure your daughter has the resources she needs to overcome this, and make sure you're getting help too. You don't want to hear that you need counseling, because you know it to be true. Keep working toward getting the help you need.

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