DBD Stood My Daughter Up!!!

Mechelle - posted on 01/06/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

26

0

5

Hello All,

I have a 10 year old daughter and I recently dropped the bomb on her that my husband, the man she calls dad, is not biologically hers. She was very hurt and the first comment she made was to my husband and she said, "I don't want you to be my step dad!!" He has been in her life since she was 2 years old...so she knows no different. Well recently her biological father took me to court for visitations with her. We went to mediation and we both agreed that we would have three visit starting off. The first visit would be with his the biological father, the second visit she would meet her step mother and the third visit she would meet her siblings. However, bio father didn't want my husband at the first and third meeting....he just wanted me there...idk why...but they were his wishes. When we talked to my daughter and asked her what we could do to make this transition better for her she said that she wanted me and my husband there when she meets him and she didn't want to be left alone with him. I agreed. I let him know what she said when he contacted me that day that we were supposed to meet. He got upset and said we needed to stick with it being just me, him and our daughter. I didn't mind BUT I told him if that was something he wanted than he would have to tell our daughter that....I wasn't going to do that to her. My husband has been her protector, provider and DAD for 8 years. Anyway...he contacted the mediator and told her what was going on. The mediator told him that it wasn't about him but it was about the child and if that was going to make her comfortable throughout the process than he should understand. She stated she contact the bio father SEVERAL times throughout that day begging him to still meet his daughter and he told her no. SHE called me about 30 min before the meeting and said that she didn't think he was going to show up but she advised me to still go just in case. He NEVER contacted me to say he wasn't coming. Needless to say, my daughter was looking forward to meeting him....and he stood her up!!! Now I'm having to pick up the pieces. My daughter has lived a very peaceful and happy life and I hate she has to be dragged through this foolishness. The mediator said the next step is the court date. Should I hire a lawyer? The bio father and I already have a visitation order that was put in place when my daughter was 2 that he never went through with. Do you think the judge would just go back and make him fulfill that order? And what should I do with my daughter in the meantime? She is very upset and hurt that she didn't show ALL because she wanted her dad there.

14 Comments

View replies by

Mechelle - posted on 01/09/2015

26

0

5

Honestly, I haven't mentioned that to her because I feel that its not genuine. You have already stood her up once (at the age where SHE can understand and see that you stood her up) and now you want her to come to your banquet with the SAME PEOPLE that was going to meet with you the other night. He just wants to put on this front like he is a great father when he isn't. I wouldn't do that to her because she doesn't even know him!!!

Sarah - posted on 01/08/2015

10,413

0

26

How aggravating! He is obviously concerned about appearances. I guess the best thing to do is show up and be a gracious as you can possibly be. Is your daughter up to meeting with him, his wife and her half siblings in such a public forum?

Mechelle - posted on 01/08/2015

26

0

5

Hi Sarah...guess what...I received a text from him a few minutes ago inviting "her and her family" to a banquet he is having for his children in his local football program...along with the date and time!!Lol....He is clearly NUTS and it shows even the more that his intentions for our daughter is not genuine. You stood her up on your initial "intimate" visit and now you want "her and her family" to come to your political banquet!!! I'm all for fathers being a part of their children's life but in THIS case...I wish he would just KICK ROCKS!!!

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

10,413

0

26

You want your daughter to have peace of mind. Maybe ask her if she wants to try again? If she is getting anxious or depressed, then report that stress to the mediator. It is always good to try to follow the advice of the mediator but not at the expense of your child's well-being. She has been through a lot....

Mechelle - posted on 01/06/2015

26

0

5

There is no legit reason. He just feels it should be just the three of us. What do you think I should do regarding the last comment? Should I forget even trying to work anything else out and just go to court on our court date? Why should I give him a couple of days to think about meeting his daughter after he has stood her up?

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

10,413

0

26

What is his reason for not wanting the only man she has ever known as her father to be present?

Mechelle - posted on 01/06/2015

26

0

5

Just an update...the mediator spoke with him again today and she said he was still resistant and said no. She said she will give him a couple of days to change his mind. I REEEAALLY don't feel like my daughter should stick around for another possible disappointment. I'm thinking about just going to court. What do you think?

Mechelle - posted on 01/06/2015

26

0

5

My sister said she thinks he is jealous and insecure and possibly wants me back...which I PRAY this is not the case because that will NEVER happen!! I'm with you...for his sake...I would want to be cordial and try to work this out amongst ourselves verses going to court. However, I refuse to reach out to him again. I'm tired of always trying to be the bigger person. As mentioned before...I've tried to contact him on several occasions so I'll just wait for the judge to make the decision.

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

10,413

0

26

I am not a proponent of game playing, and that is what this seems like from his end. He wants just enough contact to improve his political image. Maybe I am wrong and he is just insecure, or jealous of your husband that he has gotten to be "the dad" all of these years? I can't imagine that an aspiring politician wants to get drawn into a sticky custody/visitation negotiation. If he gets the sense that you will go to Family court to help support your daughter, maybe he will change his mind.

Mechelle - posted on 01/06/2015

26

0

5

My point exactly...and like mentioned...his wife could be there for ALL three visits as far as I care!! Personally, if things were swapped, as the wife and mother, I would want to be there to support my husband and my children (on the third visit). That's why I'm thinking his situation is causing him to come in contact with my daughter....not because he really wants to be apart.

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

10,413

0

26

This is odd, so he wants you to be there when it is just him, and then all four parents for the second and for the third back to just you and him and the kids? It seems silly, they are going to have to meet and interact eventually. Why not just get it over with?

Mechelle - posted on 01/06/2015

26

0

5

Well, the visitation plan from 8 years ago and put together because she didn't even know him during that time. The judge had it so he had to come to our house once a week and every other weekend (Saturday and Sunday) for a few hours until our daughter was comfortable and I felt that he would be consistent and a good caretaker. So he couldn't take her without my presence anyway...however, I wasn't married during that time either. Word on the street is that he is trying to become a politician. He works for Congressman Bobby Scott as a legislative assistant and he has own nonprofit local football team and mentoring things going. He is trying to clean up his past because he wants to look good in the eyes of the public. I've tried to contact him several times before this, though. I've invited him to birthday parties and sometimes I would reach out to him just because I wanted him to be apart of her life. But after she turned four and he continued to show no interest in her, I left him alone. His wife (step-mom) could've been at ALL visit as far as I care. I don't want him and I would like to meet his wife. As far as the third visit is concerned he didn't want my husband nor his wife to be there!!!! Yes...he is paying support. He started doing that about 2 years ago when he started working for the congressman.

Sarah - posted on 01/06/2015

10,413

0

26

I don't think the judge will go back to the 8yo visitation plan, especially if it was bio-dad who did not make the visits. Why has he suddenly jumped back into the picture? I agree with the mediator, this is not about bio-dad's ego, but about your daughter feeling like she has some control in this situation. Have you been receiving support all these years? I think some counseling may help your daughter sort out her feelings. She must have many questions about how this all came about. As far as a lawyer, it probably won't hurt but maybe reach out to bio-dad one more time and see if you can get him on board with step-dad being at the visits. I am sure step-mom will be at the third one, when she meets her siblings, so step-dad should be there too.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms