Dead beat

Jane - posted on 04/07/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I'm at a loss of what to do. My baby was born in January and her father has made no attempt to contact. Unlike most things I read the father and I were never together, my baby is the product of a one night stand. Although he has told me he will be there for her and that he wants to see her, he still never has even sent a text to ask how she is doing. He hasn't told his parents! Do I have the right to tell them myself? They're missing out on everything, her smiles, her coos. Everything at this precious age. Maybe they won't care but I think that they will, how could they not? I've tried calling but he won't answer me now...how can I just give up on him without feeling like I failed my baby?

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Kelsey - posted on 04/08/2013

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Well, I hate to tell you this but guys just say what we want to hear. They lie. My ex had said, "Oh, I'm not going to leave you without a car (he killed my 2nd car from rough driving), I'll pay child support on time, or (my favorite) I just want to be civil. Complete cr@p. I was left without a car, he hasn't paid child support at all, and he's probably the most less civil person ever.

You shouldn't keep your daughter from him and understand if you do, eventually, it could come back to bite you in the butt. You can't make someone be involved or care no matter how hard you try (It's still a battle with my ex). If he doesn't want to get involved, fine. I wouldn't get upset by it because all you're doing is upsetting yourself. There's no point in upsetting yourself when someone doesn't care in the first place. Why waste the time? It's his fault for missing out on her development, not yours. I would still take his butt to court and get child support. He said he would help, so pursue it.

I don't know what to say about telling her the situation when she gets old enough. You don't want to lie to her but you don't also want to hurt her feelings if you tell her "Daddy didn't want you/ love you/ care about you" I would tell her he cares and leave it at that. You shouldn't decide what kind of person her dad is for her. Eventually, she'll figure it out.

Jane - posted on 04/08/2013

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Shawn I totally hear you. We have done paternity and everything so I understood the secrecy until that was sorted. The reason I have the expectations is because he told me he wants to do everything he can to be a father for her and that he would be disappointed if she wasn't his. He says things like that which make me believe he will be there. Had he ever even once said he doesn't want this then I would be able to move forward and not obsess over it. I guess I'm just fearful that she will grow up and ask me about him and its gonna be hard to explain although I'm never going to tell her the real truth that he never even asks how she is. Not even once. I know guys are different and that maybe most wouldn't ask but that's his flesh his blood hiss eyes his baby...how can he not feel something for her?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/08/2013

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Ok, I am going to sound like a complete bitch here, but you need to look at the reality here.

You had unprotected sex for a "one night stand". Obviously what you wanted to be a "casual" encounter wasn't. You have chosen to keep the baby which is awesome. However, you are now questioning whether or not he can actually man up and take responsibility?

You need to do a DNA test, get it on paper that he's the father, and pursue him for support, since he did indicate that he wanted to do so. But, it it not, nor was it ever your responsibility to tell his parents, and you would be overstepping your bounds to do so.

This is another indication that he's not going to take full responsibility. A man who is going to be responsible will have already told his parents. He hasn't, therefore he has no intention of stepping up for his half of the commitment.

You telling his parents is a vindictive attempt to get him involved. It will not work.

Do the DNA test, and decide if you want to pursue support. Do not take it upon yourself to contact his parents.

Jane - posted on 04/08/2013

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I guess I just worry about going behind his back, but they deserve to know. But am I doing all this only to welcome this idiot into my life? Will he always be this u reliable, uncaring person? I don't want him coming and going in babies life and disappointing her. It's tough to know when to just let go of the idea that he will man up withouth feeling like I haven't tried hard enough

Kelsey - posted on 04/07/2013

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I would get his parents involved and you're a good person for feeling that way. Just because he's missing out, doesn't mean they have too. As long as you're 100% positive that he's the father, I would go for it.

Kirya - posted on 04/07/2013

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You cant make a man do anything , but if you are positive he is da dad , go ahead && introduce da baby to his parents , that may shed some light on da whole situation.!!!

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