Dead beat dad

Aquilla - posted on 10/24/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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So my husband changed during my pregnancy, starting acting cold and distant and I ended up attending child birth classes alone. I also ended up going to our monthly scans alone. On the day of the baby's birth, he had meetings lined up and only returned later. An hour before I went into Labour, he almost left because we got tired of waiting but I talked him out of it. We had agreed that I would be a stay at home mom but he started being mean and disrespectful, saying I should find a job when the baby was just a few weeks old. I was attached to the baby so I couldn't just start looking for a job again. He accused me of neglecting him and loving the baby more than him. He started avoiding being in the house completely,saying he had back to back meetings. Fast forward to when the baby was 9 months, he kicked us out because I didn't agree with him on a certain issue, she just turned 1 and he's only seen her twice since he kicked us out. I'm so confused because he blows hot and cold. I'm currently looking for a job so I can be independent again. He pays child support but that's as far as it goes. I guess I'm traumatized because I married a conpletely different man to the one I know now, he pressured me into having his baby and now he acts like being responsible for a life is the worst thing in the world. I get sad when I think about what's become of our relationship and I don't want my daughter to have daddy issues. I also don't know if I want such a heartless man to be part of our daughter's life or maybe he's going through something deep that I will never understand. I love my daughter so much, she keeps me sane. The only reason I would ever consider going back to her dad would be to give her a sibling because I don't want her to be lonely should anything ever happen to me. I'm all she has and that breaks my heart. I don't want to have children with different men mainly because I don't want to confuse my daughter and I have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone else because it's time consuming and I don't want to take any quality time away from my daughter. I really need to unpack my thoughts so I can see a way forward....Plz help!

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Michelle - posted on 10/24/2015

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There are a couple issues here that I will address.
1) You don't have the right to choose if the Father of you child is in her life! He has as much right as you do. I suggest you go to court and establish custody and visitation ASAP. I know you have said he's paying child support but you need to make sure everything is in writing. Is the child support court ordered? If not then get that sorted as well.

2) Don't ever get back with him just to have another child. That's insane. You've seen how he treats you and his child, why would you want to bring another child into that mess. I have 3 children and my 2 older ones are from my 1st marriage and my 3rd from my 2nd marriage. There is no shame in having children from different relationships and it doesn't confuse the children at all!
I know you don't want to be in a relationship right now and that's great. You don't know how you are going to feel in 5 or even 10 years time. Your daughter is still very young and yes you should have her as your #1 priority all the time but you are allowed to be happy yourself.

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Aquilla - posted on 10/24/2015

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Hi Michelle, thank you for your insight. I guess since becoming a mom, my daughter has been my only concern, I even forgot about my own happiness. I'll take it a day at a time for now and pray for the strength and clarity to make it through this confusing and debilitating phase. It's true that I don't know how I'll feeling a few years from now so I'll patient and trust that things will work out. Thanks again, much appreciated.

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