dead beat father reaches out after 9 years

Mandi - posted on 08/08/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi, I am a 31 yr. Old single mom of a 9 and 7 yr old. My kids are half siblings but are not aware of it due to the fact my oldest dad left us when she was 6 months old and I got back with my highschool sweetheart soon after. We ended up having a son together and even tho we are no longer married he still involved with both children however he never adopted my daughter so she has a diff last name. Now that she is 9 she is starting to ask me questions. Unfortunately, her blood father got bad on drugs but over the past year has been sober and trying to now reach out to her...9 years later. He has 6 kids by 6 diff mothers and is only involved in one childs life yet pays no child support support any of these kids. Today I recieved a letter that he is having a 7th child due in 3 months and he is reaching out to all of his kids who he knows nothing or little about let alone them know eachother and now he wants all of them to unite at the hospital to meet their newest half sibling. I am dumbfounded at the selfishness this man has. My duaghter doesn't even know his name bc he has never called or reached out be for today. This email has brought lots of emotions back ti surface and I am confused as to what i should do. I know i was going to tell her when she is emotionally ready and I know that day may come sooner than later. However I dont want to bring this heartache heartache confusion into her world at the age of 9 just so he can feel good about hisself. If I thought he would continue a realtionship with her after then I would consider going but I know he us just going to break the news to her then break her heart. But im afraid when I do tell her one day that she may be mad at me for not taking her the one time he tried to reach out. Then she will have animosity towards me. I just want what's best for her. Im so scared. What should I do. Please help

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Michelle - posted on 08/08/2016

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I think you need to let her know the truth. You don't have to go into details but since she is questioning her name then it gives you the perfect opportunity to explain things.
It can be as simple as you were in love with her Father but unfortunately he wasn't ready to be a Dad. Ask her if she would like to meet him. I would also suggest that the first meeting not be when the new baby arrives, it should be before that.
She's old enough to know the truth but doesn't need to know everything. Keep the drugs and stealing out of it and just say that you couldn't be together anymore.
My oldest is 15 and he still doesn't know the real reasons I left his Father. It's not for children to know adult relationship problems.

Dove - posted on 08/08/2016

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She should have been raised w/ the truth about the other man not being her biological father and that she has a father that was not ready to be a dad (or some other such simple version of the truth). Since she is old enough to know about sex... now might be the perfect time to explain it to her simply and let her know that while he may still not be ready to be a dad he would like to meet her. Unless he takes it to court I think I would let it be up to her at this age if she would like to meet the man or not. There 'should' have been a court order for custody, visitation, and child support from the very beginning, but since there isn't... I'd take my cues on how to proceed from my daughter unless he does decide to fight for legal visitation.

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Dove - posted on 08/08/2016

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I gave you advice on what to do... Obviously you can't go back in time and do things differently, but if that is the only part of my comment you want to focus on that is not my fault or my problem.

Mandi - posted on 08/08/2016

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Also, the terms of me getting remarried was thay he was also going to adopt my daughter and we found out we had to b married for a year before he could do so. Unfortunately, by the time the year was up he had become abusive to me. Never the kids but progressively got worse with me. After being hospitalized I had to end our realtionship and now we are coparenting great but she still has a diff last name and is questioning it the older she gets. At the time I thouhht I was protecting her from feeling unloved by her bio father like I felt my entire life

Mandi - posted on 08/08/2016

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Dove, almost 10 yrs late I agree with u however I was 21 with a brand new baby with a man who stole everything from our home and sold it all for what I found out later bc of drugs there for I had to reach out to the God mother for help with living and everything. She was tge one who said after a year of his damage and broken promises ti see his daughter and his unwillingness to comply the court system, divorce decree, custody arrangements that she would take on his role financially as long as I stayed away from him and his destruction to our family. Being younge and needing support I did what I was told. Also I had a man willing to physically and emotionally take on the role of her father. By the time she was 3 we already had her baby brother and he was the only dad she called dad and had ever known as dad so I do not feel like I should have told her when I was happily married to a man and didn't want her to feel left out or loved any differently than her brother. And her sperm father made it clear that if I divorced him that he would have nothing to do with either of us and this man has 7 kids by 7 diff mothers now and isnt involved in 1 of their lives but now all of a sudden want a a family reunion. I never asked if I should have tolf her sooner nor do I need anymore guilt or hesrtache about the coulda shoulda wouldas. I just need advice on what to do from here on out.

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