Dead beat father... should I let him be in my son's life?

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/08/2015

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OMG that was long. Made it about half way through your post.

First off, get a paternity test when your baby is born to prove he is the father. Along with that, get a lawyer. You don't want him seeing your baby? Then petition for full custody. He can sign over his rights as a parent also, but that would be his choice. He cannot be forced to do that. BUT, if he does sign over his rights, he is no longer legally obligated to provide child support.

He sounds like a loser, but in my experience, there is always 2 sides to every story. Just get a lawyer, and get things in motion.

Jodi - posted on 07/08/2015

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"should I let him be in my son's life?"

That's not your call. That is why we have courts. Your duty to your son is to file for custody and visitation orders, and leave the decision on whether the father should be in your son's life to the judge. Your son has rights here too.

"I cannot stand the thought of my ex being in my son's life."

It's not about what you think. It doesn't matter whether you can stand the thought or not. Again, not your call to make.

"my ex is a very heavy drinker, has a history of drug use (marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy)"

If you have evidence of this, you present it in court to assist them with making the appropriate decision.

"he is extremely selfish, manipulative, he is compulsive gambler, and an extreme pathological liar."

Except for the compulsive gambler bit (which is not harmful to your child), all of these assessments are merely your opinion and hearsay. Clearly at some point you like him enough to sleep with him, so breaking up with him now doesn't make these qualities any different than they always were. Your opinion has just changed.

"He had a good job at the time, however, he spent pretty much ALL of his money on gambling, alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes."

What he did with his money and good job in the past is irrelevant to your decision to remove him from his child's life. As I said, not your call to make.

"He has a seven year old daughter who he would see on and off again when we were together."

His past behaviour with his daughter and whether or not he financially supports her is also irrelevant.

"He would drink heavily around her, drink and drive with her in the vehicle, try to do drugs and have sex around her."

If you have evidence of this, then you present it in court. You don't make the decision yourself.

"But now all of a sudden he keeps saying that he "would like to see his kid" and that he "wants to be a part of his life." Why should I take this "man" seriously???????"

You'd better take him seriously. If he really wants to be in that child's life and you say no and prevent him from doing so, he could take you to court and say that you kept his child from him and argue parental alienation. People lose custody because they deny the other parent a relationship with the child.

Basically, what I am saying is that you don't actually have the right to just deny this man from having a relationship with the child. Nor do you have the right to deny the child a relationship with his father. What you DO have the right to do is speak to a lawyer, present your evidence and file for custody once the baby is born, and then arrange to set visitation. It is highly unlikely that a judge will say that the father cannot be in the child's life. However, you CAN push for supervised access, especially while the child is so young. You can also file for child support.

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Amy - posted on 07/09/2015

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Sounds like my ex husband...guess what he's still in my kids lives. My kids are 9 and 5, and I won't be that mom that says my kids can't have a relationship with their father, they can figure out what he is really like as they get older. My 9 year old gets it a little, and I keep my opinions to myself. If down the road they say they no longer want to see their dad then I will do what I need to do, for now I work my a$$ off to support my kids 100% on my own.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/09/2015

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IMO, leave it to the lawyer. I would be focusing on a healthy pregnancy, and what I was gonna do with my life after the baby is born. Where are you going to live? Are you going to college? Get a job? Find a career? How are you going to support you and baby if this guy isn't paying child support? ( wouldn't count on his contribution for anything BTW) There are other very important things coming up rather than fighting with this guy.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/09/2015

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I am not sure why it is hard to understand there are 2 sides to evvery story. This means, you are telling us your side, and he has his own version of the "relationship" and what he has been doing. We are only hearing it from your perspective.

Just because you don't put his name on the birth certificate, does not erase him, or make him not the father. If I were him, I would have a lawyer and have a paternity test once the baby is born. That way, he and you know for sure who the father is. Secondly, if you really don't want this man in your childs life, then get a lawyer. There is no way around it. Whatever you avoid doing now (like excluding his name from the BC, getting a lawyer and fighting for custody, or setting up child support) will turn around and bite you in the ass later. You want to keep your baby from him? Sure you can do that. Is it right? No. Could you be breaking the law? Yes. Could he fight and win 50-50 custody cause you kept your child from him? Possibly. You can do whatever you want, but there could be serious complications down the line.

Jodi - posted on 07/09/2015

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"If he isn't on the birth certificate (he isn't coming to his birth, therefore he won't be able to sign), and paternity isn't established, what legal rights does he really have?"

He still has the right to request access to the child and gain visitation rights through the court. He also still has the right to argue parental alienation if you decide to try and cut him out of the child's life. You could still lose custody. Not being on the birth certificate makes no difference to your right deny a father his rights, it merely places more hurdles in his way, but doesn't stop it.

"Do I have to let him take him before we go to court?"

Talk to your lawyer. But you should at least allow him the option of being able to have supervised visits until it gets to court. Make sure you do everything in writing so you can prove you have been offering opportunities for him to develop a relationship.

The best thing you could do for your child right now is to talk to a good family lawyer. Laws are different in different places.

Celia - posted on 07/08/2015

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what a story. What you need to do is contact a lawyer and gather some evidence to show that he is doing bad things. like that they will see how he really is. hope everything turns out well and keep us updated

Dove - posted on 07/08/2015

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Oh I read it all... probably one of the few that went through that whole long tirade.

You can not know what he will or will not do once the baby is born, so you NEED to get a lawyer now and start getting things squared away. You don't just get to decide to cut him out of his child's life. That is up to either him or a judge and completely NOT your call to make.

Whether or not you regret your relationship and realize it never should have happened does not matter now since that relationship created a child... and that child has rights and so do both of his parents. If the father wants to be involved... he will be whether you like it or not, so if you want to protect your child... gather up all of your evidence and start calling to find a good lawyer tomorrow.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2015

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You should get a lawyer now and get it all sorted out before the baby is born. If you do stop him from seeing his child that will go against you when you do get to court. If he can prove parental alienation then you will be the one the court rules against.

Kaeli - posted on 07/08/2015

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If he isn't on the birth certificate (he isn't coming to his birth, therefore he won't be able to sign), and paternity isn't established, what legal rights does he really have? Do I have to let him take him before we go to court? I offered him supervised visitation until we get everything settled in court, but that isn't cutting it for him. He is insisting that he comes into town and takes him. That's not happening. I don't give a damn about "legal rights" I am not putting my newborn in danger. It's just not happening. I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened to my son because I let his father take him KNOWING how irresponsible and careless he is. Like I said before, there have been several occasions that he abandoned his daughter in the middle of the night to go gambling, did drugs around her, and drove under the influence with her in the vehicle. I'd rather break the law by not letting him take him, than risk those things happening to my son.
Dove.... did I say that he is a deadbeat father to MY child? No. Obviously that's not possible. If you read the entire post you would have read that he already has a daughter, and he is a deadbeat to HER. Which does, in fact, make him a deadbeat father.
"Little miss can't be wrong".... what are you implying by your comment "he sounds like a loser, but in my experience, there is always 2 sides to every story"? I can assure you that his actions had nothing to do with me, and that I was not a part of them. Besides the fact that I chose to stay with him for as long as I did, I can very confidently say that I handled every situation with him how I should have (but obviously leaving him a lot sooner than I did would have been the SMARTEST thing to do). I'm definitely not a loser, and if this man was an honest person and told his "side of the story" I guarantee you that it would be the exact same as mine :)

Dove - posted on 07/08/2015

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Oh... and by the way... he can not be a 'deadbeat dad' to YOUR child... because your baby isn't even here yet...

He is currently under no obligation whatsoever to provide you w/ any money... once your baby is BORN... then you can let the courts decide the amount of child support that he will be legally obligated to pay (but he still might not pay).

Dove - posted on 07/08/2015

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Short answer... yes, the man has a right to a relationship w/ his son. You need to go to court w/ your evidence against him (the drugs and stuff... solid evidence that you can back up.. not just your word) and a good lawyer and let the courts decide what type of contact he can have w/ his son. It's not up to you. That's life.

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2015

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Jodi said it all.
It's not your choice, it's up to the courts.
You need to get yourself a lawyer and file for custody, visitation and child support.
If you take it upon yourself to stop him seeing his child then he can take you to court and it will be worse for you.
You need to accept that you slept with him, you are pregnant by him and will have to deal with him until your child is at least an adult (actually longer for weddings/major birthdays). Get used to it now because it's going to be a very long 20 or so years.

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