deadbeat dad

Michelle - posted on 11/17/2009 ( 42 moms have responded )

8

12

0

I can not get my ex to pay child support. I still let him see the kids because I do not want them to think he doesn't care about them. He now has a warrent for his arrest but keeps moving around to evade police. what to do?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

42 Comments

View replies by

Sandy - posted on 01/20/2013

2

0

0

First, I believe deadbeat dad is a sexist slur..I also do not believe in arresting or putting anyone in jail for owing child support. This does nothing except give an ex pleasure in punishing their ex..the courts should make both parents work. If the custodial parent does not work and the other parent does.give custody to the parent that works.Sadly, our courts believe that the woman is the best cusodial parent..I do not. If a man remarries maybe it is in the best interest of the child to now be placed in a two parent family..being with a woman who is single and can't afford to raise their child is notbin the child's best interest..time to educate men and teach them to fight for custody for their children..

Monica - posted on 11/22/2009

2

24

0

U KNOW WHAT DONT DO ANYTHING ALL U CAN DO IS TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO PAY AND THAT IS ON HIM CAUSE HE KNOWS HE HAS TO PAY SO HIM HAVEING THE WARRENT OUT FOR HIS ARREST IS HIS FALT SO WHAT EVER HAPPENS JUST EXPLAIN IT TO UR KIDS IF THEY ASK FOR HIM AND HE IS LOCKED UP OR JUST TELL THEM HE IS OUT OF TOWN WORKING I KNOW THAT IS NOT RIGHT BUT IT WORKS.. S0 GIRL JUST DONT WORRY HE WILL LEARN THAT HE NEEDS TO PAY CAUSE THEY ARE HIS KIDS TO NOT JUST URS....

APRIL - posted on 11/20/2009

19

20

0

I SO HEAR YOU,MY EX DOESN'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT BUT I STILL LET THE KIDS SEE HIM.ADVICE........GO TO COURT,THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.THEIR HIS KIDS TOO.

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2009

3,561

36

3907

Quoting brenda:

the way i see it ,if he did care for the kids he would pay support to help take of them ,he don't so there forth he don't need to see them ,and i am like some of the other ladies ,turn him in ,let him suffer awhile.



It is not about him, it is about the children.  If a father is good to the children, and the children love spending time with him, should we punish the children because dad is a dead beat and doesn't pay?  I agree that if he really cared, he'd pay, but it doesn't mean the kids don't have a good relationship with him.  Sure, dad should be punished, but is it fair to punish the children?  I don't think so, but that's just my opinion  .

Brenda - posted on 11/19/2009

10

24

0

the way i see it ,if he did care for the kids he would pay support to help take of them ,he don't so there forth he don't need to see them ,and i am like some of the other ladies ,turn him in ,let him suffer awhile.

Karin - posted on 11/19/2009

7

13

0

My daughter's sperm donor is the same, there's been a warrent of arrest out for him since August, but he still thinks he's the world's greatest dad. Go figure. The police here dont seem particularly interested in serving this warrent and I've been through the courts already. The wheels grind so slowly that it has taken 6 months to get to this point, where a warrent has been issued. In the meantime, all he sees is that he's getting away with it, the law is not holding him responsible or teaching him there are consequences to his actions. At least I have managed to stop access. He locked my 9 year old little girl up in a house with his girlfriend's 12 year old who assaulted her while he went out to drink and watch rugby. At the end of the day if your ex is good dad and has a relationship with his kids, then it's hard to stop that, and not really fair, but if he's not even trying to see them, count yourself lucky, he's not the sort of person you want to be an influence in your children's lives. My ex owes me over R12 000 but I'd happily forfeit every penny if he would just walk away and not try to see my daughter.

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2009

3,561

36

3907

Quoting Laura:

In Canada, when a man doesn't pay child support, first they garnish his wages, if that doesn't work, they cancel his driver's license...if he still doesn't pay, he goes to jail. I thought I understood from the Original Post that the warrant was for non-payment...is it for something else?

I wouldn't intentionally have my ex arrested...hurting him is actually just hurting my kids.

Jodi...I honestly think our exes were twins in a previous life ;P



LOL :)  I'm starting to think guys like this were bred in batches.....  the mould was faulty.

Isobel - posted on 11/19/2009

9,849

0

286

In Canada, when a man doesn't pay child support, first they garnish his wages, if that doesn't work, they cancel his driver's license...if he still doesn't pay, he goes to jail. I thought I understood from the Original Post that the warrant was for non-payment...is it for something else?

I wouldn't intentionally have my ex arrested...hurting him is actually just hurting my kids.

Jodi...I honestly think our exes were twins in a previous life ;P

Jodi - posted on 11/19/2009

3,561

36

3907

Quoting Michelle:

I am in back in school. That is why I need his share of support. When I graduate I could care less if he contributes at all. My goal is to get to where I have no need for him at all. When I was with him I ran our business. We are both artists and I also had my own catering business. So with running the gallery & studio, I also did the books and ran my own catering business. Now, since he was so abusive, i moved to a town where I can start over. I am back in school for acct.. NO, I can not provide for the children like I should. I don't have the extra money to put them in the extra activties they would like. Everything I have goes to them, without regret!



Michelle, unfortunately, I have learned that we must budget to live without the child support.  My ex is also supposed to pay, but he hasn't paid much at all over the years, and owes a fortune.  I think you are going to have to look at your options to be able to support the children on your own.  I know it isn't right, but it is the way it is.  It shouldn't be that way, but what can you do?



Is there any way you may be able to earn some extra money?  Or are you able to undertake your course at 1/2 or 3/4 time, to allow yourself some hours in the week so you can get a part-time job?



I wouldn't be worried about the extra activities right now, but as long as yu can support the children with what they need (clothes, food, school, roof over head, and lots of love), the rest of it doesn't matter so much.  If you can give them this, then you are doing great, and you already don't need him. 

Linda - posted on 11/19/2009

1

20

0

report him to the police anonymously , the kids need the support as much as you do

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

8

12

0

I am in back in school. That is why I need his share of support. When I graduate I could care less if he contributes at all. My goal is to get to where I have no need for him at all. When I was with him I ran our business. We are both artists and I also had my own catering business. So with running the gallery & studio, I also did the books and ran my own catering business. Now, since he was so abusive, i moved to a town where I can start over. I am back in school for acct.. NO, I can not provide for the children like I should. I don't have the extra money to put them in the extra activties they would like. Everything I have goes to them, without regret!

Elizabeth - posted on 11/18/2009

3

0

0

My son just turned 18 years old yesterday and to this day he hasn't seen his dad since he was 7years old. My son's choice. I wasn't going to force the issue, the judge told my ex in order to see my son he had to pay child support, he choice not to him. What a father huh? Oh he has other kids (not with me though) and doesnt pay for them either. My son is the oldest one and gets about $80 a month (forced) by the state. I have just been putting it directly into a savings account for him and gave it to him yesterday, it was a whopping $2500 minus some change for a total of 11 years c'mon. Good thing I have a good job and can support us. I didnt need his dad's lousy money but my son was happy to get. I'm married with 2 other kids and now thankfully he's totally out of our lives. If you can afford to be without his money then do it it feels better. I know I raised my son on my own. BUT if you are still willing to let your kids see him then your helping to evade the police because you obviously know where he is. I let my son make his own decision not to see him. Good luck to you all.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

8

12

0

Since he found out about the warrent, he has not called or come to get the kids. He lives 3 hours away so I don't know where he is staying. He is a tattoo artist and gets paid in cash so the money is easy to hide. Our little girl,Sarah, has been calling and texting him and he will not return her calls. He has texted the kids at 2am and 4am this week teelling them he loves them and will call but hasn't.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

8

12

0

I do not keep the kids from seeing him. I would never do that to him. I just wish he would help support them too. It just doesn't seem fair to them or me that he refuses to help financially support his children. I have returned to school so I hope soon I will not need his help at all.

Jodi - posted on 11/18/2009

3,561

36

3907

Quoting Heather:

Call the police when he drops the kiddos off. They are sure to find him then.


I have a real problem with this.  While I can totally understand wanting to dob in a dead beat dad, is it really appropriate to do this in front of the children?  I am not sure I could do it, and believe me, I have an ex who is a complete dickhead (and doesn't pay), but to have him arrested in front of my son (who is 12), I am not ok with that.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

1,606

10

227

In some states the state will take the money straight out of his paychecks for you. Look into it. You can't directly stop him from seeing the kids, but if you report it and if you wish to go to court to change custody arrangements you'll have documentation. You can also call the cops after he drops off the kids and give them a description and plate # for his car.

Kelly - posted on 11/17/2009

1

3

0

hi, my son is 14 months old as of yesterday and his dad has been in his life for probably a total of 4 months. his dad is now in jail and going to prison for a slew of charges including child endangerment, domestic assaults and drug charges. hes facing more than 10 years. he has never paid me a dime in child support nor has he bought anything. hes had 2 jobs since i found out i was pregnant and neither of them lasted more than a month. he collects social security for having bi polar, so he makes more than me in a month and i work. hes always been very controlling and abusive to me but great with ayden (until about a month ago), so i was always willing to let him keep his relationship with his son and willing to do anything i could to help him establish a relationship with him, but according to him and his family i was always keeping him from him (but the reality is he never asked or made any effort to see him). up until this last incident ayden never saw us fight or what he would do to me and he would always come back to normal around ayden. this last time he was doing everything right in front of ayden and even shattered a car window above his head. ive got an awesome family and support from friends, so i was able to leave him and try to forget him, but before i realized i had that i didnt want to leave him because i was affraid of being alone and not giving my son a family. so if you have a good family and the support of friends and you are financially capable, id say ditch the deadbeat and cut your losses. if a teen mom can do it, so can you!

Kimmarie - posted on 11/17/2009

6

13

0

Well I feel that if I'm sacraficing, providing and essentially taking care of My child on My own there should be no contact with the child, He basically gets to live His life freely while you dont( how does that work) just because someone is able to make a child doesnt mean it does the child any good with them in their lives...I raise My cousin from birth and His mom never sees him because she is a heroin addict so just because thats His mom dose not mean she has the right to disrupt his wellbeing.

Heather - posted on 11/17/2009

1

18

0

Call the police when he drops the kiddos off. They are sure to find him then.

Rabecca - posted on 11/17/2009

520

15

70

As far as what the courts have told me visitation and support 2 totally seperate issues one does not effect the other . So let him burn his own bridges with the support system and if hes moving around he will get caught soon enough

Michelle - posted on 11/17/2009

3

22

0

at this point, it is out of your hands...the state or whatever governing body has that situation in tow...but let him see the children, as the support and visitation are mutally exclusive...

Emily - posted on 11/17/2009

4

20

1

thanks lisa yes first love was engaged the lot even had deposits down for big day next year , but now im out of tha situation i dont even think i even loved him... jus liked the idea of bein inlove with him xxx

Lisa - posted on 11/17/2009

52

13

7

Quoting emily:

hi i would like sum advice too plz .........long story so il start at the beggining lol..
i was 17 and had my first lil boi dad was till around etc fine durin pregnancy etc then wen my lil boy was born he was distant and then ended up workin away for 3 months when he was 1 week old......then he turned jealous of the baby and resented him as he had to share my time with his son.......then when my lil boy was 9 months old i fell preg again another lil boy :) i had him at 18. then when he was 2 weeks old i was rushed into hsp wit medical probs so he had to take the time off work and look after kids then i found out he was askin my mum an his mum to haf boys everynight so he could go out with his friends (he was 19),then i found out he was arrested as he was court with a gun and possesion of cannabis...... then when i was discharged he waaas ou everynight after work and couldnt b arsed to deal with home life leavin me with two kids under 2 all day everydaay and came home to eat aand sleep, then it came out he may haf biolar or skitzofrenia.... we then split, we still lived in same house while he got his head sorted,nothing changed........we argued loads so i moved in with mum for a few weeks to let him deal with probs...he was spose to come see the boy each nyt but he made excuses etc then i found out he had aanother girlfriend and had been seeing her 6 months (this point y youngest was 3weeks) so he lied etc h told her that the taaat2 of my biys names down each forearms were his bros!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and is now deniyin paternity of the eldest.......his excuse for him lyin to gf was 'im 19 with two kids whos guna loo at me ?' ike hes the one with stretch marks (mine used to split and bleed) and all the phsical scars lol (wudnt change them tho :P) so i had taken my eldest down to see his dad his gf was more interactiv with him he played all of abou 3 mins with him (22months old )he pays child maintence for them evryweek..but is still on drugs i haave sed to him as long as your doing the drugs he cannot see them.... now he wants to see them but is not willing to giv up drugs so i sed rugs or them he cose dugs but is still tryin to see them.......not happenin all the health visitor etc sed he shouldnt see them while hes mentally unstable anyway....once a few months ago my eldest was rushed to medway his daad wanted to go home and get change and haf a spliff b4 he cum up hosp.....i told him hes selfish so he stormed out and didnt even bother to call.....and in 3weeks i have had one txt to see how they are aand thaats onl because he wanted sex from me .........................help me a(am in england ) x


Wow O wow.  Talk about dead beat.  In your case, I would absolutely drop him off like the piece of garbage he is.  He will never take responsibility for his children and the three of you are SO much better off without him.  He may be your first love? but he is no worth your time, your children's time or the heartache he will continue to cause all of you. 



 



As for the OP, I agree with the others, if you know where he is, and are still letting him see his kids, while you are aware he has a warrant out for his arrest, you can and most likely will be charged with aiding and abetting a criminal.  That is not an example you want for your children.  You are also better off.  As much as you think you're doing your children a favor by letting them see their father, you're essentially setting them up for failure, (possibly, of course) but definitely heartache.  I just think that you should definitely move on and remove people like this from your lives, so as not to show your children a poor example of what a man is.

Toni - posted on 11/17/2009

126

6

4

The law says you can not withhold visitation for lack of support. But you don't want your kids there when he gets arrested which will happen with or without your help. I personally would turn him in. As far as telling the kids why he is in jail it would depend upon their age. I mean you can't tell a 5yo old that. I would also try to get supervised visits so that he can't evade the police with your children. Good luck on this.

Emily - posted on 11/17/2009

4

20

1

hi i would like sum advice too plz .........long story so il start at the beggining lol..
i was 17 and had my first lil boi dad was till around etc fine durin pregnancy etc then wen my lil boy was born he was distant and then ended up workin away for 3 months when he was 1 week old......then he turned jealous of the baby and resented him as he had to share my time with his son.......then when my lil boy was 9 months old i fell preg again another lil boy :) i had him at 18. then when he was 2 weeks old i was rushed into hsp wit medical probs so he had to take the time off work and look after kids then i found out he was askin my mum an his mum to haf boys everynight so he could go out with his friends (he was 19),then i found out he was arrested as he was court with a gun and possesion of cannabis...... then when i was discharged he waaas ou everynight after work and couldnt b arsed to deal with home life leavin me with two kids under 2 all day everydaay and came home to eat aand sleep, then it came out he may haf biolar or skitzofrenia.... we then split, we still lived in same house while he got his head sorted,nothing changed........we argued loads so i moved in with mum for a few weeks to let him deal with probs...he was spose to come see the boy each nyt but he made excuses etc then i found out he had aanother girlfriend and had been seeing her 6 months (this point y youngest was 3weeks) so he lied etc h told her that the taaat2 of my biys names down each forearms were his bros!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and is now deniyin paternity of the eldest.......his excuse for him lyin to gf was 'im 19 with two kids whos guna loo at me ?' ike hes the one with stretch marks (mine used to split and bleed) and all the phsical scars lol (wudnt change them tho :P) so i had taken my eldest down to see his dad his gf was more interactiv with him he played all of abou 3 mins with him (22months old )he pays child maintence for them evryweek..but is still on drugs i haave sed to him as long as your doing the drugs he cannot see them.... now he wants to see them but is not willing to giv up drugs so i sed rugs or them he cose dugs but is still tryin to see them.......not happenin all the health visitor etc sed he shouldnt see them while hes mentally unstable anyway....once a few months ago my eldest was rushed to medway his daad wanted to go home and get change and haf a spliff b4 he cum up hosp.....i told him hes selfish so he stormed out and didnt even bother to call.....and in 3weeks i have had one txt to see how they are aand thaats onl because he wanted sex from me .........................help me a(am in england ) x

Michelle - posted on 11/17/2009

3

27

0

Not much you can do but be both parents for the kids. My ex lives 10 min. from here and does not pay support and chooses not to see either girl, he says he "has to take care of number 1" I was married to this man for almost 14 years. My daughters are 6 and 15. They will eventually make their own opinion about what their father is not doing to help you out. Hang in there..you are not alone.

Julia - posted on 11/17/2009

71

22

3

stop the kids from seeing him, you may not want them to think he doesnt care but they will know hes in truble and if you get cought knowing where he is and dont turn him in you both could be in jail, depending on what his warrent is for, then where are your kids?

Trish - posted on 11/17/2009

4

5

0

Hi Michelle,
Not sure where you are located, but here in the U.S. the state you live in should offer childsupport enforcement, not sure if other countries have similar laws. My girls are 16 and 13 and we have dealt with this issue for the entire 11 years since my divorce. Most states consider any type of payment made, whether it's $100 once a year, an effort on the fathers part-it's ridiculous! I have been lucky that I have been able to support my girls on my own, but it is unfair that men move on and often remarry, leaving us moms with the financial burden of raising our children. I like you, have never kept my girls from seeing their dad even though he dodged payments. Fortunately, we are now recieving payments withheld from my ex's check, only because I contacted my state representative. I called and a day later they were calling me to tell me they had located my ex. It's unfortunate we have to spend so much time and effort to get what is deserved for our children.

Rebecca - posted on 11/17/2009

1,988

118

313

My mother saked for my fater to sign over all rights if he wasn't going to pay anything. Best thing she did for us! He never came to visit me...only my sister and she has turned out just as bad as him! So has my brother, his mother faught for support so now the government pays for my brother as they can't find our father but she refuses to let him sign ver rights...she needs the money. But if i was you i would do the same thing my mother did. He is not doing anything for the kids. If he refuses to sign over rights go to court...he'll cahnge his mind then.

Melissa - posted on 11/17/2009

106

25

22

Dont Let Him See The Kids.
If He's Not Financially Helping Then He Has No Right.
And If Your State Lets It, Arrange To Meet Him Somewhere and Have The Cops Come Pick Him Up.
Hes Just Going To Keep Not Paying If You Let Him Keep Seeing Them.

Amber - posted on 11/17/2009

15

8

0

Have you been able to care for your children without his help? If so, then all he is doing is hurting himself. Your children will see this and not think much of him. You say you let him see the children...so why dont you contact the police when you let him see them. This should take care of the problem.

Krystal - posted on 11/17/2009

3

26

0

if he is seeing the kids then you should now where he is right? well tell him you'll meet him there and send the cops, you've got to trap him. I have dealt with this from my oldest sons father and he has never paid and he has been around but i have traped him several times and put him in jail.

Maureen - posted on 11/17/2009

230

7

15

There's a warrent for his arrest and he's seeing the kids? Call the police now.
Consider, depending on circumstances,, you could be aiding and an accomplice under the law for not turning him in.
As for the non payment of support, get a court order that would include diverting any rebates, earnings towards payment of arrests owing.

ANGELA - posted on 11/17/2009

3

9

0

WILL MY CHILDS SPEARM DONOR PAYS WHEN HE WANTS TO BUT HE DON'T GET TO SEE ZACK AND WANT HE HAS NOT BEEN IN HIS LIFE ONLY OFF AND ON WHEN HE WAS A BABY BUT NEVER HELPED OUT NOW HE WANTS VISITION RIGHT S AND ZACKS SAY HE DONT WANT TO SEE HIM R TALK TO HIM SO I KNOW WHAT U R GOING THROW THANK GOD WE LIVE IN DIFFEANT STATES I AM HAPPILY MARRIED AND I THINK HE CANT STAND IT

Stacey - posted on 11/17/2009

3

48

1

i wish I had a really good answer for you other than hang in there. My kids dad didn't pay but a few hundred dollars, in total. Thank God!!! -He provides what we need. I only know that If you keep persuing and he ever does get a job you will get back child support. You will probably never get it all. Just know your not alone. We need better laws for this. the existing ones are there but not enforced as they should be.

Jenn - posted on 11/17/2009

0

0

0

Let him dig his own grave with that. Never deny him to be able to see his kids though, the kids will only grow to resent you and have issues. If he goes to jail for not paying his support then that is something he needs to deal with and explain to his kids why he is in jail. That is very right of you to not deny the kids the right to their father. To many times the kids get hurt when feelings get involved between parents.

Sharon - posted on 11/17/2009

11,585

12

1315

oohhh real nice role model.

Get rid of him. Tell the police where to find him and get rid of him.

Jodi - posted on 11/17/2009

3,561

36

3907

I wish they had the power to do something to non-payers here in Australia - my ex never pays (or pays a few dollars, and then stops).



However, I don't agree with linking payment of child spport with contact with the children. The kids should not be punished for the sins of the father. Despite my ex hardly paying me anything for the last 10 years, (I think a total of about $2000 would cover it), my son still sees him alternate weekends. To link his payment of his child support to contact is actually illegal here in Australia, because it is essentially punishing the child for the father being a complete deadbeat. After all, as long as the kids have a good relationship with him, you shouldn't put a price on that.



Edited to Add: When I answered this question, it didn't occur to me that you may have been asking whether you should dob your ex in, I thought you were asking if you should still let your kids see their dad.....

Shannon - posted on 11/17/2009

26

31

1

god i know how you feel i got two babies by my ex husband he is now in jail, story of my life, you needs to do what is best for your kids.... and that is something only your heart can tell you what to do

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms