deadbeat dad now wants to be part of the babys life after denying him for 1 year.

Emilie - posted on 07/02/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )




I have a friend that has no internet she wanted me to ask this question.

Alissa and her boyfriend Joey had split up for a while. During the time they were split up she had a one night stand with her brothers friend Sean. Sean has a girlfriend and I guess he didn't want her to know that he had gotten Alissa pregnant. The baby is almost 1 year old and Sean has denied this baby all this time. Now the baby is older and he is starting to look like Sean's older child so I guess now he knows that the baby really is his. So he wants to be part of the babys life now and Alissa is unsure what to do. She thinks it is unfair that he hasn't paid child support of done anything for her this past year. Also, Alissa is back together with Joey and they want to get married and raise the baby together and not Even tell him that Joey is not the father, I guess they want to have a normal life and not have to worry about visitaion and child support and all that stuff. Alissa is very confussed and don't know what to do.


Brandy - posted on 07/02/2010




That is his son, his blood and he should be able to know him and he should be able to know his dad. If Alissa wanted a 'normal' life, she should have thought of that before she got pregnant on a one night stand. I know it wasn't planned but when you make decisions, there are many possible consequences and every adult should know that. He should start paying his child support though but even if he can't pay it up right away, he should still get to come and meet the little person that he helped create.

Jami - posted on 07/02/2010




Dear Emilie,

I am a life coach and mother of 6. I have been on the rollercoaster of motherhood for 25 years, surviving a lot of turmoil and enjoying many blessings. My thoughts are:

1. Emotions are running high but the "adults" in the situation need to act like it by remembering that:
2. Children are not pawns to be played in the game of life.
3. Alissa might want to separate her personal disappointment over Sean's neglect and his right to see his child.
4. Alissa can ask Sean to contribute but not as a price tag to see the baby. If he refuses, she can petition the court to force him to pay support.
5. Pretending Joey is the biological father will backfire. Lies always do. They can be honest and still create a father/child relationship.

Hope this helps.

[deleted account]

That man is the boy's father and they have a right to know each other. Kids deserve the truth. All Sean has to do is take a paternity test and he WILL have some rights to that child whether Alissa and Joey like it or not.

My suggestion: Alissa should talk to a counselor and/or a lawyer that deals w/ these types of situations and they can give her the best advice for her specific situation.

Michelle - posted on 07/03/2010




I'm lucky in the sense that my daughters father wants to know them and we have an established routine where they go to his house for tea after school 2 days a week and they stay with him every other weekend from friday after school until sunday afternoon. My goddaughters father, however, disappeared when my friend was pregnant and has never wanted to know. My goddaughter is nearly 4. My friend has kept photos of him so if ever she is asked she will be honest and tell her daughter who her father is.

I do feel it is important to be honest with your children about things like this because if, at a later date in their lives, they suddenly find out from someone else then this could be the start of all sorts of troubles in your relationship with your own child. Your fiends child will more than likely still see your friends boyfriend as a father figure regardless of the fact he is not his father!

Children do need routine though, and they do need to know where they stand so I would suggest to your friend that she says yes the baby's father can see him but on set days and times. Because he has had nothing to do with the baby yet I would suggest he take the baby out for a few hours once a fortnight on a weekend until a good relationship is built up between father and baby. Longer contact can be established at a later time. Your friend also needs to stick by that so if the father decides one weekend he's too busy (which unfortunately some do) then he will just have to miss out on that visit and see the baby 2 weeks later. It is also very important to try and keep things "friendly" as it doesn't do a child any good being witness to arguments and bad atmosphere. Your friend will have to be strong with this, even if she doesn't really want to.

Please don't make the mistake about arguing over money. Yes, I do feel very strongly that a father should take financial responsibility for his child as well as the mother but, at the end of the day, a childs health and happiness are far more important than money. I've seen so many mothers not allow the father to see the child because they've not "paid" their child support and, at the end of the day, it's the child that suffers because of it. My ex didn't give me any money towards my daughters initially, mainly because he didn't have any to give, and now he gives me an amount per week that we have agreed on.

Keeping friendly and talking to my ex has made things a lot easier than having to go through courts, CSA, etc.

I'm sorry i've ranted a bit here but I hope it makes sense and I wish your friend and her baby all the luck in the world.

Pip - posted on 07/04/2010




They can still play happy families and be truthful. Families are so diverse these days, and alot of families have kids to different fathers, this is excepted but lying isn't excepted.

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Christina - posted on 12/28/2012




im in a similar situation. my baby father DUMPED me a few minutes AFTER i told him i was pregnant with his kid. actually more like ANNOUNCED IT to the entire bus terminal in st. catharines canada making me feel like complete and utter shit. he then took me back, smoked CRACK 3 FEET FROM ME WITH WINDOWS CLOSED ( i was 5 months pregnant at the time ) then cuz i didnt like what he was doing ( i was a recovering crack addict and didnt need to be anywhere NEAR the shit ) he CHEATED ON ME, CALLED MY DAUGHTER A WHORE BABY ( b4 i got pregnant he dumped me without telling me but told all his friends and so, thinking i was single tried moving on and i was accused of cheating therefore he thought the baby wasnt his then even b4 he accused me of cheating ) and then THREATENED A RESTRAINING ORDER ON ME WHEN I TRIED UPDATING HIM ON THE BABY. its been 16 months and the only daddy my daughter knows is my recent ex who knew all about what happened with the baby father and how much of a deadbeat he is. when i told him what the bd did ( about smoking crack when i was pregnant really close to me ) he went over to the bds place and punched his face in. now, is that the kind of father i want to have access to my daughters life? a crack smoking, cheating, " i dont like what ur saying to me even though its how ur feeling and opening up but im gonna dump u anyways", deadbeat who the only thing he can say to me after 16 months is " hows my daughter? " then threatens court cuz i wont tell him nothing in the best interest of my daughter.

Jennifer - posted on 07/04/2010




well the point is legally or not the child has a right to have HIS father on that certificate. If the father wants to be "a little involved", that almost sounds like he wants to be around on his own terms. In my opinion that would cause more chaos.
Nobody can change the past and go back, fix the birth certificate, etc. However I would advise her to take this as an eye opener and the time to do what should have been done already and 1-get paternity resolved 2- get a child support order set including the past year and 3- the visitation set. It sounds like Joey is going to be there for the child so hopefully he will have one full time father in his life. If Sean doesn't step up (as I've learned the hard way) nobody can control that, however he needs to be morally and financially accountable for the life he created. His son deserves that and so much more.
I hope everything gets settled and our prayers are with you.

Laura - posted on 07/04/2010




First thing I have to say is secrets like parentage comes back to bite you in the ass! I have friends who have keep the secret and when the child got sick......So much for the secret. She lost both men and who knows what will happen when the child starts asking questions.
Tell Joey the truth. Let the real father in for his child not you. If Joey loves you he will have to deal just like you will....

Renee - posted on 07/04/2010




In GA paying child support does not automatically grant visitation.My daughters father doubted she was his told me at 6 months old file child support for DNA test.He's been paying CS since then but only showed interest in weekly vists when she was 2 1/2.I allow Him to come visit.I force nothing .Bonding between them would have to be natural.My daughter isn't really bonding with him.If He skps a week She doesn't notice.I handle it like an open adoption.She knows that's her bio father.There is a man in her life she calls daddy who adores her.It's the guys loss in the long run.i hope this situation works out best for child and it doesn't become a pawn.In GA unless the child is legitimzed the mom is the only one with rights.Defintely check your states rights.

Kelina - posted on 07/04/2010




I the term deadbeat dad might not be appropriate for this. More like scared cause he screwed up. It's understandable that he wouldn't want his g/f to know especially cause it sounds like they didn't know. And now that he's starting to accept it, he is trying to take responsibility for what he's done. I agree that this should have been done sooner, like a paternity test or whatnot, but at least he;s stepping up now.If he wants to be part of his baby's life, it's not right to deny him that. I understand wanting to have a normal life, but there's no reason that their child can't grow up with two father figures. Especially if they both love that child. They're going to need to work out an arrangement and give it a shot. However one thing she can tell him is that if he wants to acknowledge her child as his, he's going to need to start paying child support. If he's not wiling to to do that, that's paramount to denying that the child is his. Tell her good luck!

Emilie - posted on 07/04/2010




Joey knows that he is not the father, Him and Alissa actually have a 3 year old son together, they broke up for a while then she got pregnant, she was like 8 months pregnant when they got back together. I guess Joey thinks that since he i going to be a father to the oldest child that he should be one to the younger one also. There is no fathers name on the babys Birth Certificate cause she told the hospital that she didn't know who the father was (even though she did), and her and Sean never had a real realtionship so legaly nobody is responsible for the baby right now. Sean wants to be a little involved, but she is not sure how involved he wants to be. She wants her sons to have a full time dad. I will show this to her and let her make up her mind what she want to, and what is right,

Jade - posted on 07/04/2010




Sean has a right to see his son, even though he asn't been apart of his life for all this time he still can just take Alissa to court. Also i think that its WRONG that she hasn't told Joey that he's not the father...does she know how much that is going to wreck that poor guy once he finds out he's not the father?! When you do get married you are supposed to be honest with one and other...Plus once he finds out he's not the father i don't think he will want to marry her. Keeping something that big from someone is not going to do her any favors...should have been honest from the get go.

So YES i think Sean deserve to see his son even though he hasn't been apart f his life...If she wants child support from him i know in Australia they back date it to the date they stopped paying and if they havn't paid at all then he owes her alot of money and she should get it back. My father never paid my mum ANY child support...and just this year (im now 20yo) they have cought him out while sorting his tax out, My mum just got a cheque for $17,000 which we are going 50/50 on...If she hasn't started getting it yet she needs to go to whom ever deals with you child support and tell them that he's not paying!!!

Good luck to your friend :-)

Jennifer - posted on 07/04/2010




First let me say something about the "sperm donor" talk. YES there are men that are that way, They know 100% that they have created a child and refuse to accept any sort of accountability financially or emotionally for their child. In that situation he is being a deadbeat dad and was a sperm donor. Regardless the child has a right to know who their father was, even if all the mom knows at the time is his name (assuming it'll be a conversation they will have years later). If anything for medical reasons.

Lets not forget the moms out there who give those of us who DONT use our children as weapons a bad name. In my opinion some women CREATE the deadbeat dad because they try their hardest to FORCE men to fight to have any relationship with their child because of how the mother feels about the father. Despite the fact that state run child support agencies are not the best at taking care of child support cases, there is NOBODY to help men unless they have money to retain an attorney,

There are deadbeat moms as well, who give their children to their fathers, never visit and don't pay child support. However it has been the "rule" in the past to keep children with their mothers whenever possible. carrying a baby for 9 months doesn't, in all cases, make one a mother either. There are babies dropped in dumpsters, moms who bide their time while pregnant so they can get back to partying after the baby is born, leave their kids with grandparents because they don't want to deal with the responsibilities that go with being a mom. Yes, there are more deadbeat dads out there but neither side is totally innocent.

Ok so regarding this scenario.The past is the past and now Sean is ready to wants to be part of his child's life, and it's early enough on where if he STAYS in the child's life, for the baby it will be like dad was there all the time. BUT yes, she can go to court and get an order for back child support for the year he denied paternity. My thought is this: she could have had the county help and get a paternity test, get child support ordered and visitation orders after she had the baby. So if she did nothing to get help from him and he did nothing they are kind of both at fault for not fixing this earlier on,

The truth is it doesn't matter how she feels about the father (unless it is something that could endanger the baby). It is that child's right to know his dad and decide for himself who his dad is. Its also his dad's right to known his son. Yes, he made a HUGE mistake by not stepping up right away but at least he's willing to now. some of us WISH our ex's would do that to help our kids' out emotionally.

Now, this one could be really REALLY important. Make sure there is a visitation order in place BEFORE the child goes anywhere with the father alone. I was married so it may be different for this situation but if there is not a standing order in place for who has custody, the father (provided that at least the peternity test was done) could say that he has had the child and she has not. This leaves the mother to prove him wrong, which, while not too hard to do you still have to go through the court process and miss the child the whole time. Again, I was married so i don't know if/how that works in this situation.

As far as the new ex boyfriend, Joey, Of course not worrying about visitation and all is easier, but LIFE WITH KIDS ISN'T EASY! and as adults when we make mistakes we should correct them. One night stand, not a good idea. However now there are two men wanting to stand up for this little boy. It's great they want to get married but as anyone divorced will's not like you see THAT coming. If the bio dad is not given his rights to visit and obligation to pay child support, should something happen in Joey's and your friends relationship 1-Joey would have NO rights legally to the child and never would be able to get them even though they both decided to shut out bio dad, unless 2-if he adopted the child. now, if something went wrong he would be stuck taking care of this child financially until he turns 18, even though the baby isn't his.

I think the best thing would be to start a CIVIL relationship with the father, and get the paternity test, then the child support and visitation order. This way he has a chance to be a father to his son and the child's right to know his dad is protected. Even if later his father were to walk away, as a mother (at least this is how I feel) it's your job to protect your child and care for the best interests. If you allow access and he doesn't use it, you did what you could, AND at least he would still be financially accountable for the child he created.

Last thought. They used to say children of divorce (or in this case, separated parents) arent' as healthy as those in a "normal" family. Now the research shows that children of divorce can be just as contented as those in that "normal" family when the parents have a good working by creating a civil and respectful relationship with the father, creating healthy boundaries for visitation, open communication, etc she can still have a fairly "normal" life as long as everybody can play nice. And (as I have found out) sometimes one party has to play nice while the other is acting a fool or trying to start a fight.

In the end, her son deserves honesty. We sacrifice for our children and on this one, she should sacrifice the "normal" life she wants. Because depending on the bio father, he could make her life really rough and in the end she would end up doing what she should have in the first place......getting a visitation order and child support order. I believe in Karma and that by doing the right things, one at a time, life becomes less complex and less dramatic. I also believe that those who hurt others will have that returned to them. She has (sounds like anyway) a supportive fiancee to help her through this and step by step do the right thing for the child. If not she would be being untruthful to her son already in his life. So now that manipulating the truth started where does that line end? How much false info is ok? How much isn't? It's better to handle it as it should be.

I think in all states now the divorce decrees stipulate that non payment of child support is not grounds to deny visitation and denial of visitation is not grounds to not pay child support.

Sorry this went on so long but with my experience so far I've seen all sides of this scenario. I hope some of it helps!

Amanda - posted on 07/03/2010




Being a sperm donor doesnt make him a dad, the law makes him a dad. It actually saddens me when I hear all these woman denying fathers their children, because the father is selfish at some points in their lives. I have a dead beat ex, this is his weekend, and I have my children at my home. And yes it hurts their feelings, and it pisses me off to no end. But I would never deny him his children, because he makes stupid choices when it comes to visitation. Actually in my area if I denyed him reasonable access to his children I can go to jail, which to me is a reasonable punishment for denying my ex his civil right to his children. Its his choice if he uses that right or not.

Magaly-Genevieve - posted on 07/02/2010




My though on that. First of all all those comment about giving a chance to the father to be a dad is messed up. Having give sperm doesn't give you the right to be a dad but just a sperm donor. Making somebody pregnant and walking away knowing that their is a kid coming is irresponsible and should mean that you are giving away your parental right. Now we need she need to think about the child, it is too him that the right to have a dad should be given, to him that the chance to grow up with his reel dad should be given. And it should be to him that the right to know if his dad deserve to be given a second chance or not. My son didnt see his dad for the first 5 years of his life, I did not give a chance to his dad to see him but a chance to my son to see him. And he now now him for the past 2 years and got a little disapointed because his dad (my husband of 6 years) doesnt give him much time to play or interact with him. So my advice is to just tell him that it is a trial period, that the first moment her child get hurt, she will stop any type of contact with his child. Yes he can bring her to court, but at the end the judge is going to look at for the best interest of the kid and if the dad is a real dead beat dad, their might or might not be visitation right, with or without people around. But at the end it is best if she try it out, just in case he brings her to court so that she could prove that she at least try. But I will say it again, making somebody pregnat doesnt make you a dad...

Andrea - posted on 07/02/2010




I sure she would want a normal life that probably would be easier than visitation and all that stuff but thats not reality the reality is he is that child's father say she needs to give him the chance to his dad if that what he wants. If he means what he say it better for the child. How would he feel when he get bigger and finds out the truth. Yes it would have been nice if he claimed him to start with but he didnt and I think it be selfish to not give at least the chance to be a his dad. Since he doesn't know him I wont turn him over to the dad with out some vistations with out the mother there till that child get use to him. My son is almost 8 and his dad denied him at first and has walked in out his life for years. After almost 2 years of no contacted he walked back in 6 month ago I told him at that point that it was his last chance that Gage is old enough to relieve what happening and that this was his last chance if he walks away and hurts my son again he'll have to wait to see him till he 18 and can make decisions for himself. I think there is a point of his father he has a right to see him. If he wants to be a dad and does the stuff he needs to be one and isnt hurting that child then he should have that right to see him. If he wants to be like my sons dads and only when it suit him to be one then no at some point she'll have to put her foot down but he has to be give the chance.

Amanda - posted on 07/02/2010




There isnt a choice here, the father has a right to his child, even if he was away for a year. She needs to go to court get child support, and back support from him, and set up visitations. This should of been done when the child was born, if he didnt want to take his visitations no biggy, but he has a $ responsiblity to this child, gf or not.

Candice - posted on 07/02/2010




if the guy really wants to be a part of the child's life he can easily take her to court, force a paternity test, and get visitation. She has not choice about it if he goes that route.

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