Deadbeat ex back after 5 yrs

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Ok i left this man for beating on me and hitting my kids when he found out i left him he took off 5 hours away I ended up marrying my long time best friend we bought a home and gave the kids the first stability they have had. when I got divorced from my ex I had to file unlocatable he found out in 2008 we divorced in 2009 he showed up on my door I told him the kids didnt know him and i was not going to hand them to him for a weekend vist BUT I WOULD go to mcdonalds or the park and stay as long as hed like in a PUBLIC place and he could get to know them and see them he said if i wasnt letting him take them alone he was leaving and he left ( 2 hours afterward an incident happened where he chased me and the kids in the car while i was trying to get to a birthday party for them i went to cops they made him leave me alone) I didnt hear from this man until 2012 ( right after my almost 6 yr old was bumped by a car walking with his older siblings 2 blocks home from school) he showed up to their school and informed my kids that their "daddy" was not infact their dad he was gave them a dollar and icecream snapped some pics of smiling kids eating icecream. had me served THAT day with enforcement of visitation ( he had tried to do an emergency hearing without me there and take custody of them immediatly and the judge refused) so we go up there and i had no lawyer so i couldnt speak directly to the judge and he did so they could long story short he got visitation to kids that do NOT know him but he can not leave the county ... here is the kicker .... hes $21,000.00 behind in child support ......... how the HELL did the judge come to this conclusion? I feel like im in the twilight zone here, my family is being ripped apart my older kids are terrified of him, so am I ... he told my kids all kinds of lies ... told them i cheated on him and kidnapped them..... my kids who have never made an outcry of abuse are saying their teachers are abusing them? WTF??? ALL THREE TEACHERS??? my autistic son is out of control they can not teach him he was doing so well they were going to main stream his last class ... now hes completely back in special education. the court oders say no red dye minimal sugar and no caffine ... he gave them it anyway ( even gave my 10 yr old on concerta for add COFFEE every morning! im not KIDDING) he said when i pay his bills i can make the rules... BUDDY IVE BEEN FOOTING YOUR$ BILL FOR 5YEARS ANNNNND ITS COURT ORDERED!!!! the upside is the judge ordered more child support instead of lowering it ..... and ordered a parent facilitatior/therapist for us and the kids .... after a talk she said she does not think its in the kids best interest to see him WHY COULDNT THE JUDGE SEE THIS BEFORE THE DAMAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! so now everyone has to talk to her and we have to wait to june until a final hearing in the mean time my kids are having to go! my husband is torn apart he feels like hes losing HIS kids he didnt come in as a step dad he came in as dad... and he has been supporting them since before we were even technically together he gave me money for school clothes and BOUGHT and shipped school supplies and backpacks from New YOrk ( where he kived at the time) as i said bought a house sent money for food and gas to drive them where they needed to go from DAY 1 while this man did nothing ... he never gave me a penny! and they only money i got they drug out of him ... hes had 15 jobs in 5 years 2 of them in colorado where he skipped the state to avoid CS .... now I get a text from ex saying he wants the name of the girl that hit deacon and her insurance info..... yeah big secret why he came back around .... ANY ADVICE? WORDS OF WISDOM ? BEST WISHES? anything would help right now to know im not alone ... anyone have something simular to this?

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Michelle - posted on 11/03/2015

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Locking due to being a very old post.
Feel free to start your own.
Michelle,
WtCoM Mod.

Julie - posted on 04/16/2012

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Wow, it is truly gobsmacking that this hasn't resulted in immediate suspension of visitation... would bringing these recordings to the cops do anything? Maybe like getting a restraining order? Or go to a doc/private shrink to assess the kids, show the recordings to get an injunction? :( Stay strong mom, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope to hear of a positive outcome on all this.

Danielle - posted on 04/16/2012

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Thank you so much and I do have them with a court appointed therapist as well as me and him sepratly and then we have to go together ... I have video and audio recorded everything and have the kids freaking out after the domestic abuse issue with his new common law wife it happened right before he dropped them off I wish id have been there I would have called 911my and the kids school has written 5in letters stating behavior change and dropped grades and that he has had no contact with the school since 2009the the first time he showed up so where's he been for 3the yrs

Julie - posted on 04/15/2012

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That situation sounds really really fucked up. I'm sorry you had to deal with any of this... okay. The US is different from Australia where I'm living but here are some things I would suggest:



I know they pick and choose what is and isn't admissible as evidence- ADMIT it anyways (the police records of violence pre-2009, everything). A good friend went through something similar, it was insane how they would let him admit certain evidence but not her, even if it indicated he had mental health issues going back years and violent tendencies. You are not alone.



Take the kids to a child psychologist- have them assessed. Tell the shrink your concerns, the legal BS. Even show the shrink the police records. If a psychologist can assess the children and find it is in their best interests that they cease immediate interaction with this violent man (or at least keep it under supervision from the state or a shrink), it could go a long way in your case, and who knoes- maybe YOU can get an emergency hearing.



Record EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Everything in writing, voice, film if you can. If your children are having panic attacks about him, RECORD IT. If you walk up to pick them up and he's in the middle of a domestic you can only hear, whatever, press the record button on your phone. Or fuck it, call 911 and have them record the call as you walk in to pick up the kids.



Over here, you can get a family assessment. You would be assessed by a shrink, then you interacting with the kids, then the kids, then him on his own, and him interacting with the kids.



I'm not sure what your ex is like (other than the DV), but recording everything and pouring it out on record in court worked wonders for my friend. Even though he has unsupervised visitation, he was forced to be a decent father and keep his behaviour under control under threat of arrest and prison. He knows he can't bully her anymore, that she will be on him like a fat kid on a cupcake.



I don't know who this other person posting is but I found their comments to be completely unconstructive and self-righteous. Danielle, I wish you the absolute best of luck and hope to God that you get as much evidence as possible as quickly as possible to stop this asshole in his tracks.

Julie - posted on 04/15/2012

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That situation sounds really really fucked up. I'm sorry you had to deal with any of this... okay. The US is different from Australia where I'm living but here are some things I would suggest:



I know they pick and choose what is and isn't admissible as evidence- ADMIT it anyways (the police records of violence pre-2009, everything). A good friend went through something similar, it was insane how they would let him admit certain evidence but not her, even if it indicated he had mental health issues going back years and violent tendencies. You are not alone.



Take the kids to a child psychologist- have them assessed. Tell the shrink your concerns, the legal BS. Even show the shrink the police records. If a psychologist can assess the children and find it is in their best interests that they cease immediate interaction with this violent man (or at least keep it under supervision from the state or a shrink), it could go a long way in your case, and who knoes- maybe YOU can get an emergency hearing.



Record EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Everything in writing, voice, film if you can. If your children are having panic attacks about him, RECORD IT. If you walk up to pick them up and he's in the middle of a domestic you can only hear, whatever, press the record button on your phone. Or fuck it, call 911 and have them record the call as you walk in to pick up the kids.



Over here, you can get a family assessment. You would be assessed by a shrink, then you interacting with the kids, then the kids, then him on his own, and him interacting with the kids.



I'm not sure what your ex is like (other than the DV), but recording everything and pouring it out on record in court worked wonders for my friend. Even though he has unsupervised visitation, he was forced to be a decent father and keep his behaviour under control under threat of arrest and prison. He knows he can't bully her anymore, that she will be on him like a fat kid on a cupcake.



I don't know who this other person posting is but I found their comments to be completely unconstructive and self-righteous. Danielle, I wish you the absolute best of luck and hope to God that you get as much evidence as possible as quickly as possible to stop this asshole in his tracks.

Danielle - posted on 04/10/2012

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Who said I didn't have a lawyer? I said I didn't have one for the emergency hearing I got one 2he days later and its not easy to address an issue when you can't find the other party to serve them to be in court I wasn't asking for legal advise on a forum I was asking if anyone had to deal with this or if they thought it was as insane as I did .. wow I don't need anyones pity im just trying to work my way thru this mess and thought there might be support here to do so since that's what women usually do encourage and support each other

Iridescent - posted on 04/09/2012

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If you re-read, that isn't what I said. Interpret it however you wish. I guess you came asking for pity and refused any help possible. So why don't you have a lawyer now, vs asking on a community forum for legal advice? Don't worry about answering me - I don't care, I simply find it ironic that your "24 hours" notice wasn't enough to find a lawyer, and yet now, after the fact, you still chose not to have one. You had several YEARS to address this issue instead of letting it sit and did nothing. That's your fault. You left the opening and he took it.

Danielle - posted on 04/09/2012

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Its was an emergency hearing to modify custody he claimed I put them in danger by them walking 2 blocks home from school because deacon got bumped by a car. So no I didn't have anything but 24I hour notice served the day before the hearing the judge threw it out but let him have visitation and just because I chose the wrong man doesn't mean my kids need to be abuser exposed to violence that's kind of an ignorant thing to say

Iridescent - posted on 04/08/2012

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You're supposed to have had at least 24 days notice of the hearing time and date in some states, in others as little as 15. In none does it say 24 hours. I am sorry your kids need to deal with this. Sadly, as an adult, we all have to watch our kids suffer when we make mistakes. Hopefully we don't make them often and when we do, we learn from them.

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2012

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I wasnt given the options of taking his visitation because he took off and i had to be divorced by publication so i got sole custody the JUDGE protected his basic rights until he could defend himself in court. he beat me his ex (didnt know it at the time) abaonded their now 13 yr old son with no support or contact he beat the girl he was with after me ( yes i have papers) so tell me if i cant show papers from before 2009 of abuse and neglect, I couldnt take his rights unless he was there the JUDGE made the decision to set visitation and custody I HAD NO INPUT I wasnt allowed to speak to the judge because i couldnt find an attorney in 24 hours time what OPTION was I left with? The abuse was reported it was documented he admitted it cps refused him the visits based on neglect and lack of competenc to care for the kids I have a no tresspass order on him ( no PO because he was gone and I couldnt find him to serve him the tresspass order was done in 09 i was going to file the po BUT HE TOOK OFF FOR ANOTHER 3 YEARSand I had no way to serve him heck the AG couldnt find him to serve him he even skipped out to colorado! TELL ME WHAT OTHER OPTION DID I HAVE THAT I MESSED UP OR PAST UP? FROM THE TIME I LEFT HIM I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2012

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it was filed unlocatable I didnt have the option of deciding what visitation would be I got sole custody the judge ordered the rest to protect his rights and said if he came back it could be modified at any time and yes it IS my kids that are suffering NOT me but it seems like I am the one being punished and they suffer because of that AND I do have the therapist ( court appt) saying shes not sure he should have visitation unsupervised and as far as the child support goes i know they are seperate issues my point is he was gone 5 years and never cared if they ate or had clothes but he can go in and cry real pretty and claim he loves them and cares for them what he cares abolut is that insurance claim for deacon but i took care of that anything he gets is going into a court ordered trust that NO ONE can touch until deacon gets it at 21. ive got 3 text messages from my ex wanting the info to contact the insurance. He abandoned these kids and they shock wasnt that he had rights it was that a judge thought it was in the best interst of kids that didnt know this man to inform a almost 6 year old boy who has been raised by another man as his father that its not his dad and here you go we will just try this out and see how you handle it instead of making some effort to determine if this man was serious about coming back BEFORE disruppting stable happy children my point is where are the kids rights im sick of hearing about his they have a right to stability to a healthy state of mind to SUPPORT and the benifit of love from ALL parents that put them first there has to be responsibility someone i took mine, i have done the right things this man didnt only abuse me he did it to his first girlfriend ( i found out after i left him) and has a 13 yr old son he hasnt seen since he was a yr old and never gave a dime to. I just think that its not in ANYONES best interest to make a decision on a temp basis even in 10 minutes it affects ppls lives and yeah the abuse was from 2007 i LEFT him thats why it stopped so if i cant show the papers of abuse and neglect I wasnt allowed to address the judge because I coudnt get a lawyer in 24 hours time and I wasnt allowed to just say no visitation from the beegining because this man took off and WASNT THERE TO DEFEND HIMSELF IN COURT what option was I REALLY given

Iridescent - posted on 04/08/2012

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It's your kids that are suffering for it. Typically, if you agreed to any custody arrangement after knowing about abuse, nothing prior to the agreement can be used in court to alter that custody arrangement later. For example - if my husband were abusing my kids and I filed charges against him and he was found guilty and put in jail, and I got a restraining order and filed for divorce, if I sign a standard custody arrangement in that divorce decree nothing prior to the divorce decree can count later. I agreed to the standard arrangement, so it's MY fault my children are in jeopardy now. Now, all that can alter the current decree is new evidence showing they are not safe.

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2012

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There is one police report Cps was notified he had a supervised visit and got kicked out by his mother who was supervising him he had no money food car or home I made arrangements with dairy queen to feed my kids I was coming to get them and id pay the bill after I got them with a police escort Cps told him and I he had to sign up for the parenting classes and angermanagment classes they had ordered and he couldn't have them until he did and found someone else to supervision him he never did either 3 the issue is that the judge didn't want to hear anything that happened before 2009I and everything happens in 2007and or before and update I just went to get my kids from his visit they were terrified he cursed a got in a huge argument with his new common law wife screaming punching his car cussing her threating her my autistic son was hiding on a floorboard and begging my oldest to get in the drivers seat and go home ... I am not the first woman he abused im the second and there was one after me all documented and I think he's doing it to this new one he hit me my kids my father anyone who tried to step in I don't have to explain myself to you but I DID try to protect my kids I felt trapped and like no one could help me but I DID get out that's what's important there are papers I did tell I did get help therapy for the kids and I he admitted the abuse to Cps, what more could I have done with what at the time was 5 babies on me I didn't know where to go or what to do to get help without using them because I couldn't support or protect them but I DID OVERCOME I shouldn't be punished for it

Iridescent - posted on 04/08/2012

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If he was abusing you and the kids, there should be police reports/restraining orders filed from years ago. CPS could have been notified by you and have done an investigation into his parenting skills and safety with them for visitation back then. Now, that boat has sailed. He currently does have visitation rights. The best that can happen at this point is to push for supervised visitation vs facilitated if it's in the kid's best interest.



Step dad may have stepped in as Dad on day 1, but they do still have a biological father that has rights, no matter how much of an asshole he's been. Again - this leads back to having done the right thing when the abuse was happening and providing for your own kid's safety back then. You're considered just as responsible as your ex is if the children were harmed, because you allowed it to happen and you chose him as the father. Abuse is never acceptable - but you made a mistake by allowing it and not following through to prove he's an unfit parent back then, so now he gets another chance as a result.



Child support is entirely unrelated to visitation. No judge cares how far behind in child support he is, and will not modify a visitation order based on it.

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