Deadbeat Father....cut him off completely or let him keep lying.

T - posted on 05/11/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone. I will try to keep this short. I have two children by my ex. 14yo girl and 7yo boy. My daughter has him all figured out. He's a compulsive liar and only comes around at his own convenience. Last Friday night, my 7yo son called and asked for him to come over and play a little game of hockey out in the driveway. He said "sure I can...I will be over shortly". My son set it all up....and sat on the ground at the end of the driveway and waited. And waited. For an hour. He never came. When I called to ask where he was...he refused to answer the phone. I asked my son if he was ok and were his feeling hurt..... he replied "It's ok...I knew he wouldn't come anyway". My initial reaction was to go and slap him right upside the head but of course what would that help. We haven't heard from him since. My son loves his father and I know that he will ask if he can call him again soon. I don't know if I should let him....because I honestly cannot watch his little heart be broken like that again. It's not the first time. I want to protect them and not let him in their lives at all if he is going to do stuff like that. I just don't know if that will hurt them more.....I have tried talking to him to tell him how much it affects them and he will admit that he's wrong but yet still does it. Do I let him call? I don't want to bad mouth their father to them but he sure does make it hard.

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T - posted on 05/11/2015

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that is a great idea "Dove". Thank you for your replies. It's just so hard to watch him continuously hurt them over and over. As mama bear, I want to prevent that hurt before it happens, but you are both right - I have no right to take him away.

Dove - posted on 05/11/2015

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Of course you let your son call his father. That is HIS father and it isn't your right to take him away from your children. You have no reason to bad mouth the man... he's doing that to them all on his own. It is your job to help them through it.

The next time he wants to call his father and make plans... make back up ones. Let him know that we will wait for your father for 'X' amount of time and if he doesn't come we will go and... whatever fun thing will distract your son from the disappointment (if he's up to it... of course, don't push, but he's 7... I'm sure he will be up for something fun that he loves and doesn't do often).

Your kids will be OK.

Raye - posted on 05/11/2015

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It is not your choice to cut him off completely. He has rights as the father. If you want to terminate any visitation, you have to take it to court. But let me say, they will not terminate his rights just because he has let them down and lies. Generally there has to be proven abuse to the kids. Yes, what he's doing is mental and emotional abuse, but that is not admissible unless you can get a psychologist to testify that his behavior is causing abuse to the children.

It most certainly is heartbreaking to see your kids hurt. My step-kids wanted to be with their mother yesterday for Mother's Day, but she is a waitress and did not request time off work. (She's a total flake, and didn't request off for her daughter's birthday, either). We did stop by so they could see her, but they were very disappointed. My step-son was laying in my arms talking about how he wished he could have spent time with his momma. I felt so sad that their mom keeps hurting them that way, but glad also that I can be there for them and show them that they are loved.

You just have to be there for your kids through the pain and disappointment. Your ex is shooting himself in the foot, and your kids will make the decision for themselves whether they want him to be a part of their lives.

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