Dealing with a hateful ex, how to handle with out hurting relationship with step children?

Lindsey - posted on 06/10/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have recently started living with a man who has two kids. So with his two and mine we have four in total. Before we got together his ex let him have his kids all the time and really didnt have anything to do with them unless forced to do so. Well one day she flipped out on him and told him that she dont understand why he got with a girl that cant handle being around his kids. all I told her was how can she say that if Im around them more than she is. Of course she flipped out and started screaming that I called her a bad parent. Now She has limited the time he is allowed to have them. It is not because she wants them just she wants to look like she cares more. She is constantly leaving them with her sixteen year old daughter. Plus she slams their Dad and me both in there presence. Last week, we couldnt arrange a sitter for a short notice to work on a saturday so "Scott" asked her to keep the boys until Sat. It was a screaming battle but there honestly wasnt anything we could do. So Saturday when we picked up the boys, his ten year old informed us that his mom told them that his Dad didnt love him and didnt want him anymore. She told them that his new g/f was more important. It is causing a rift between me and the kids no matter how hard I try to build a relationship with them. Any ideas?

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JuLeah - posted on 06/10/2011

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Stop fighting with his ex. Don't talk with her at all, ever.
Let your bf do the talking and then only through email. Be kind no matter what she says or does. No one can fight all by their oneies, it takes two or three to really make a fight fun.
She wants to use the kids in a tug of war, drop your end of the rope.
Let go of being right, making her understand, making her hear you, making her act this way or that.
Let go of who did what to who.
Your bf and this woman need to work out a parenting plan, and put all the rules and procedures in writing, get it signed by a judge.
You should not be involved with this process.
In the parenting plan many of your concerns can be addressed, but by your bf, not you.
Never ask her to keep the boys for you, or for any favors.
Keep your focus on the only thing of any value here; the children. They only thing that matters is how this all impacts them, right? So, no screaming in front of them; walk away. No bad mouthing her. Doesn't matter of she bad mouths you ... kids are smart. They will figure out who is bad mouthing who and they will know who they will lose respect for.
Act ALWAYS as a person the kids can respect and copy - cause they are ALWAYS watching

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Cindy - posted on 07/16/2011

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Check out this website http://www.in.gov/judiciary/family-court...
Sorry I took so long to respond. I just realized you replied.
I've been busy the past couple of weeks dealing with BioMom issues. My husband had to file for sole custody because BM is being evicted and has no source of income to provide anything for their daughter, but insist on not letting their daughter stay with us any additional time.

Cindy - posted on 06/12/2011

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Your bf needs to get a court order for custody & visitation. It's actually better to communicate with her via text or email because that can be used as evidence in court. He also needs to keep a journal to note everything that happens with his ex. What state do you live in?

Lindsey - posted on 06/12/2011

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yeah she no longer has his cell number only the house number because she only likes to fight through text messaging. I do not speak to the woman or about the woman. My bf does all the talking and when he asked her to keep the kids. It was simply because we had no other option. I didnt want to leave them with a complete stranger and all our back plans had plans for their weekend. so it was a lose lose situation :(

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