Dealing with a hostile ex-wife

Coni - posted on 07/29/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Ok, I'm sure everyone has heard similar stories of being the new wife and having to deal with a crazy ex-wife and all that that entails. But my problem is a little more serious and I need advice on how to deal with it. See, the problem isn't just my husbands ex...it's her insane partner. My husband divorced his ex-wife 10 years ago after she cheated on him and left him...for a woman. She and this woman have an AWFUL relationship. They break up over and over, in front of the kids. They've got a history of alcohol and drug abuse. The kids say they used to be violent with one another. The ex of course, tries to keep the kids away from their fathers (my step-son has a half sibling with a different dad). It's a long story but it would be hard enough JUST dealing with the ex-wife issue....but her partner is the really scary one. The kids told us that they had created a fake facebook profile and when we finally figure out which one it was, it was a real shocker. This person had been on our friendslist for over 3 years and was one of my husbands closest friends and added me after we started dating. My husband said that his exes partner has a history of doing this- making fake dating profiles and luring him into months long dating situations because she wants to make sure he is "busy" with someone else because she is afraid his ex will leave her (again) to go back to one of her ex-husbands (because she routinely tries to). So she stalks and harasses the ex-husbands and weirdly enough, their new wives. I've been with my husband over 4 years and it has just been a horrible situation where she goes online and bashes my husband and myself...makes up lies about us......even tries to claim that WE are the ones jealous/stalking her! lol I mean, I don't know what to do here. I document everything. I have 40 pages of documentation showing interference with court ordered pick ups, threats of lawsuits, inappropriate online behavior, etc. But I don't know how to handle this constant stress. Add to that, she went around claiming that I was trying to "steal her partners children"....because I was "infertile" all over the internet. Obviously she's projecting because SHE is the one who broke up a family and has rubbed my husband face into the fact that SHE is his sons "mother" now and he's just the guy he visits on the weekends. Imagine her rage when she found out that I am now pregnant (first try) and we are about to have a child together which will be related to her "son". I know that every time something amazing happens to us- getting a new car, getting a new house, taking in kittens, getting a raise...ANYTHING, all hell breaks loose on their side and they start up again with making things difficult for us. I just don't know how to handle all of this now when I am pregnant. My husband has taken over all communication with his ex-wife and pick-ups so that I am spared their hostility...but his ex wife is livid that I will no longer have anything to do with her and is making things difficult until I agree to sit down and "talk to her in person". I don't WANT to talk to her in person! She has stalked, harassed, made up lies to my step-son and husbands family about us...all of which no one believes but nonetheless, it proves she is clearly manipulative and that there is no reason to ever communicate with her. Any advice on how to keep the stress levels good during my pregnancy and keep their negativity from affecting our marriage? And how do I deal with my step-son when he tells me the lies she has made up about me? At this point I just tell him it isn't true and that we will discuss it when he's older but for now, it's not appropriate.

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Dove - posted on 07/29/2015

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Either eliminate your social media or keep it extremely private and close knit (only people you know really well, in person, and confirm in another way that it IS that person before you approve them. Block any and all of her accounts that you come across.... Then ignore her. There is no reason in the world that you have to sit down w/ either of these women... ever. If you have enough harassment evidence you can try and get a restraining order against her... otherwise just ignore her. I know it is not easy, but it is much less stressful to just not care about what she does or does not say. You and your true friends/family know the truth... all she is doing is making herself look pathetic.

You are handling it w/ your stepson just fine. Don't get sucked in to her game. He will know and understand the truth in time.

Dove - posted on 07/30/2015

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If he has a court order specifying visitation details and pick up times... he can take the court order to the police station if she is not complying and they will make her hand over the child in compliance w/ the order. That might be a little drastic and upsetting to the child, but it is something worth considering.

Sarah - posted on 07/29/2015

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@Constance what do you mean by this:
" I know that my husbands ex always bans the kids from seeing their biological fathers."
Do you have a court ordered custody/visitation arrangement? If not, get one.

Sarah - posted on 07/29/2015

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I'd close all of my social media. Let your ex keep his open and he can try to limit is ex and her partner's access. While Facebook etc can be fun ways to share your life, your account have become a portal for harassment and stress. When your step-son come to you with lies about you, keep doing what you are doing; gently correct the false statements and remind him that you love him and will be honest with him.
Do not sit down with this person. You don't need her in your head!

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Coni - posted on 07/29/2015

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With her first ex-husband, she wouldn't allow her ex to see their child because he didn't pay child support regularly. For over 15 years, her daughter was not allowed to see him and when her mother would find out about her having contact, she would go into rages and kick her out. When my husband and she divorced, he did receive joint custody and unlike her first ex, he FOUGHT for his right to see his kid. She did everything she could to interfere with visitation. She moved over an hour away to make him seeing his son hard. She accused him of abusing his son but the case was throw out and ended up backfiring because when they interviewed her daughter to ask if SHE was ever abused by my husband when they all lived together, she said of course not...but that her mother and her new gf were abusive, doing drugs and beating one another and she was removed from his exes home for a short period. Even after the case was thrown out though, she still tried to deny him visitation so my husband hired a lawyer and finally, she stopped. But still, whenever she is mad, she interferes with pick-ups, threatens lawsuits and even a restraining order against me because she "doesn't like" me. lol My husband tells her over and over to stop, that she can't keep doing this, that we're documenting everything. But she won't quit. Just last week she got upset because she sent a snarky text concerning me and my husband didn't respond so she told him he couldn't have his son that weekend and would allow him to come over the next. Pointing out that there is a court order doesn't help. We can't go to court and spend money every time she throws a tantrum and it's nearly impossible to change a custody arrangement unless there is "real" danger to the children. So we are just stuck dealing with her crazy butt.

Coni - posted on 07/29/2015

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You're both right. Thank you. I have a job where social media really is frowned upon so I've only ever had a facebook account and I THOUGHT I was always careful and only added people I or my husband knew. That's why I was so shocked to find out that this was going on for years. My husband deleted his profile. Mine is still private because I have a lot of family and friends who live out of state and outside of the country so it's the only way I can keep in touch. But the friends list is ONLY people I am related to now or people that I have been friends with for years and know in person. I deleted almost everyone and have around 100 contacts. I don't bother to look and see the nasty things she posts about me, but her daughter recently created a pinterest and (because it links to her friends on facebook like her mothers partner) she informed me that this woman was saying awful things about me STILL online and that she had actually reported some of them herself. I have a pinterest for work related articles and info, but I'm considering making even that private because she just won't stop coming after us. Her behavior just makes me very worried about her mental stability and what she might do if they ever break up for good. I know that my husbands ex always bans the kids from seeing their biological fathers...so what will she do to a person who has no rights? I suspect that this is why this woman acts out this way- out of fear and insecurity...or perhaps because she has a personality disorder. I just wish they would leave us alone.

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