Dealing with an obsessed and controlling baby mama

[deleted account] ( 15 moms have responded )

I'm going to try to make a long story short- my husband and I met in high school and dated for 4 years until we split up for a year due to issues between friends. During that year he had a one night stand with a female he had known for a couple months and got pregnant due to the condom ripping. He made it very clear he did not want a child with her and bought her the plan b pill. She said she took it but it did not work. He then gave her money for an abortion in which she agreed to have but lied about it and told him she decided she was going to keep it and he was going to be a father. He and I started talking again because his mother always wanted us to be together so she would set us up. I found out about this female and the baby because she stared contacting me when she found out I was with him again. She was very threatening and disrespectful and insulting until I encouraged him to give in and try to have a relationship with the child. It was fine for the first few days until she became VERY controlling and disrespectful to both of us and even more towards me as if I was a problem to her so it was like she had won a battle of control over him which obviously wasn't okay with me. He decided to stay away from her and the child because it just wasn't working out and he didn't want to cause problems between us since we were trying to work things out again. About 4 years later she started contact again and this time with our friends and family and the threatening message etc... by this time we are now married and have child of our own. Again I encouraged him to give it another try for the sake of the child, and guess what... the same situation. Everything was fine for the first couple of weeks and out of no where she starts acting like a psycho and disrespectful etc.. this time I tell him I cannot continue to go through something like this and let it ruin our family because of this woman. So he decided to end all contact with her again. I'm so confused as to why there are women out there like this who use children as their weapon. Now I don't know what the correct thing to do is. Should I leave my husband and encourage him to be there for this child so the mom can leave him in peace or just continue do keep my family strong... sorry this is so long but I wanted to get most details I could

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Sarah - posted on 07/26/2017

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I agree it is possible to conceive under these circumstances; just odd is all.

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Michelle- Great advice, thank you! I need to be strong for my family I guess we just need to here it from ppl once in awhile.

[deleted account]

Dove- I understand because that is exactly how I felt. I would never have been with a man who had a child with someone else and /or abandoned them. But not every situation is the same. My husband was never in a relationship with this woman nor did he plan to have a child with her. Yes the condom ripped but that doesn't mean it's his consent to be a father. He made it very clear to her that he didn't want a child with her so they agreed on an abortion which she clearly lied about doing and decided to keep the child so she is now trying to force a relationship with between them and expects him to be there 24/7 as if she were his wife. She has also made it very clear that she does not respect our marriage or that I am his wife and disrespects both of us just because she can. We live in a different state from her so he would never see the child or be able to spend time with him. I do agree that family counseling is necessary for my family.

[deleted account]

Sarah- I find it very odd myself, believe me, when he told me that the first thing that came to my mind was that she lied about taking it. Which I wouldn't doubt.

[deleted account]

CC- Thank you for your advice and time! I really don't want to leave my husband/ best friend of 10 years over some crazy women who means nothing to him, it hasn't been easy dealing with her but sometimes I just feel like it's too much. I know I should be stronger and support him. Some ppl just don't understand that not all men purposely get a women pregnant and just leave, many men out there accidentally got someone pregnant and the women uses the kid as a weapon against him. Unfortunately my husband is one of those men and I understood that so it is why I continued my relationship with him.

[deleted account]

AG- Thank you for your advice! It is really hard dealing with this kind of situation so any words of motivation are greatly appreciated.

[deleted account]

Lots of great advice here. If you are happy with your husband then there is no reason to break up your family so that he can be a part of his other child's life.. I mean, what about your kids? Your kids deserve what they have with you both, and no amount of crazy should ruin that for you all. I know it's not something you probably want to deal with any longer but hang in there! You've been so strong thus far...and you probably have dealt with more than other people but with establishing paternity, visitations, mediations, counseling...you could at least say you tried your best. Good luck!

Cc - posted on 07/27/2017

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I've learned the hard way that you should not leave your husband and father of your child so that he can go be there for another child. If you two have a stable relationship, I would try to handle it TOGETHER. Try not to isolate him or push him away but continue to let him know that he has to put his foot down with his other child's mom. If there is no getting through to her, he can always go to family court and file for visitation or joint custody. You could let the court know that she is harassing you and see how they can help intervene.

Michelle - posted on 07/25/2017

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If you truly love this man, why would you even think of leaving him so he can spend time with another child?
Like the others have said, he needs to go to court and get everything in writing. Then if she behaves like that then he has a way to actually stop her. She needs to know that she can't behave that way but at the moment no one is standing up to her.
I personally think you should stand by your man and show her that she can't break up your relationship.

Sarah - posted on 07/25/2017

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First, has there ever been a DNA test to actually prove he is the father? One night? She took Plan B within 72 hours? Odd.
If your are sure it is his child then I'd get yourself into some couples therapy and like Dove says, get support, visitation and legal issues ironed out. He can have a relationship with his child without having to have a relationship with her. When it is his parenting time, she is out of the picture. Any communication about the needs of the child can be done via email .

[deleted account]

Dove- Thank you for taking the time to drop some advice. But what I'm really wanting to know is what I should do myself which is break up our family so that he can be in this other child's life or stay with him and sacrifice my happiness having to deal with this women?

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