dealing with my boyfriends ex and kids

Kelsi - posted on 05/12/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. He has 3 kids and isn't legally divorced. ( I have no kids or ever been married) I am still a secret to his kids and his ex just recently found out about me. It hurts so bad I cant meet his kids yet (still has supervised visits) how do I deal with not meeting them yet? And dealing with him seeing his ex at the kids drop off, graduations etc. I never wanted to be with someone with kids for this reason (drama) I just need some guidance, advice! PLEASE

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Ev - posted on 05/13/2015

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Svetlana--good words but she is dealing with this right now.

My advice to you is to just be patient and wait. Are you the other woman? Did he cheat on his wife with you or did you meet him after the divorce started to happen? Meeting the kids is not a wise choice at this point. Why you might ask? One, the kids have a lot to deal with on their plates right now with mom and dad getting divorced and going through custody. They have limited time with dad as you said he had supervised visits and why is that? Two, they are hurt and do not understand the full reasons why this is happening. I do not know their ages but if they are older kids (preteens and teens) they understand what a divorce is but it still hurts and do not fully get why the parents are not together anymore. If they are younger they are not going to understand at all yet. Third, they do not yet need another person to try to form attachments to and if you and their dad break up it will hurt them again. Fourth, if you are planning to marry their father in the future then there will be time to meet them and form relationships. Fifth, as to the ex, he had kids with her. Did you expect her to disappear when you came in the picture? She and he have to deal with each other for at the least the kids needs and so on. You have to understand that he has an obligation to those kids first and foremost. Sixth, Just be patient.

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Kelsi - posted on 05/13/2015

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She said he did awful things to his daughter (she said this for revenge) he would never lay a hand on his child

Kelsi - posted on 05/13/2015

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Thanks everyone for the help!!! I met him before they were divorced he had been wanting to leave her.for a while.. So she made some false accusations so he couldn't see his kids.. We plan to be together for a while.. Its just emotionally so hard knowing she will always be there and have no one to talk too

Ev - posted on 05/13/2015

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I have to agree with Raye's additional remarks. I know too well how kids feel hurt and upset over things where their parents are concerned. Its been 13 years ago when my ex and I divorced and had custody set. It was very hard on the kids. 14 months later he remarried after having dated about 4 women that I knew of in that 14 month period before his second marriage. That did not last a year and a half. The kids did not get on well with that step mom either but it was just as hard to have her and her kids in the home anyhow when the divorce happened. This last one has been in their lives almost 10 years but she did not really try with my kids either and it made growing up harder. Just a few days ago, this women before my son graduated high school was having a fit she was not listed in the senior insert in the local paper under my son's picture. She also felt put out that she had "been a mother to him for ten years giving him care and all that went with it" and she felt like she was nothing to him. I will give her credit for being in the house and running it and taking care of some things for the kids but she never got down to their level emotionally. Anyone can marry the parent and do the household things like cooking, cleaning, and being there to supervise the kids but it takes more to be mother like to a kid in my book and she just did not do that part of it. She does have her own kids. I guess she thought that being there was enough and though she said she did some things for my kids she did not really get to the heart of them either nor did she try. Its not my worry anymore as both kids are now graduated and the relationship is between them and her. But when they were growing up I would listen to their worries about what she was doing and not doing for them in the emotional area of life. I would give them advice to handle it but that was all I could do.

Raye - posted on 05/13/2015

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I am curious, too, why they are not yet divorced and why his visits are required to be supervised....

I am a step-mom, with no bio-kids of my own. So, my advice is be patient about meeting the kids. I agree with Evelyn, they have a lot going on right now, and they need to get through the divorce and (hopefully) come to terms that their parents won't be getting back together before being introduced to you. They didn't have any say in their parents split or their father finding someone new, so they may have some confusion, resentment, frustration, etc. Take things slow. It will take a lot of patience and understanding, because the kids and their mother will always be in your BF's life, and so will be in your life if you stay with him. But, there are things that are very rewarding, too.

Coralclubozz - posted on 05/12/2015

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relax... if you are happy with your boyfriend (two of you) and it's worth your while to work on the relationship - stay and enjoy it. Kids is a very complex issue (been there). Seeing ex - it's a trust issue. Once again, if you are happy with him stay, if you are not happy with him personally - that's another thing. Kids and ex are PAST (hopefully)

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