Amber - posted on 05/17/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )
This is my second pregnancy and aside from one medical thing, it is exactly like my first. High risk and too sick for my own good, my doctor has told me that if nothings changed by this Wed. he's putting me in the hospital because I can't stay hydrated nor have I started gaining any weight, but have lost more than normal.
I feel absolutely no connection to this child. When it moves, it aggravates me to no end and I find myself wanting to yell for it to stop. I don't believe in abortion, nor could I give this child up for adoption, especially knowing I have a 5 year old and it would ruin her world and I'd have forever to answer why I took her baby sibling away.
The thing is though, I know I love it somewhere inside because, if I didn't, I wouldn't try so hard to find help or to talk to anybody about it. I wouldn't be attempting to eat more than once a day (which I'm failing, but, I do try) and I wouldn't be taking proper vitamins, etc...if I truly didn't care about it.
I just don't know if it's my hormones at this point causing severe depression and detachment from the child, or if it's due to all the stress and other things that have happened in this time causing me to feel this way. Maybe a combination of both?
The babys' father is not making things easy on me. He walked out when I was 6 weeks and in the hospital with complications to go back to his ex girlfriend. He left me in an area that I know nothing about, nor is really that safe, no car, no money, no food. He still thinks he should get a say in how I take care of myself, and this baby. That he should get to be at doctor visits, get an opinion in the naming process, etc...when he's done nothing but hurt me by walking out and continue to cause me unnecessary and unhealthy amounts of stress. So, I think of a 3rd option that maybe I don't want this child only because of who the father is.
His girlfriend, got in contact with me, and when she learned he had lied to her about some things, including leaving out I was pregnant, she's done nothing but be there for me, despite him trying to stop it. She's given me rides, talked to me through some things, and is trying so hard to help, but at the same time, not wanting to rock the boat too much between him and her. I find it very easy to talk to her despite the messed up situation we are in..but I still, can't deal with him. My stomach cramps up when he's around, I go into a panic attack, and I get sick.
How do I deal with all of this? I hate that I feel like I don't want this baby, when I know a part of me does, and, I don't know how to include the father, yet, tell him I don't want him around after everything. Do I even have that right to tell him to leave and not worry about being in this childs' life? I don't feel like I do, but it's not like he's doing much to show he cares about it now despite having done this to me on purpose.
I don't want to be put on medication for the severe depression this has caused me to go into..I just need advice, direction, something.