Dealing with the 'baby mama' and other issues..

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

Hi everyone, this is my first post on here and so I apologize in advance if it gets confusing and if it's too lengthy. I guess I should start off with some background information, my fiancé and I have had a complicated relationship from the start but love each other so much and are trying to learn how to work things out, we will also be getting married in less than five months! He has a three year old son who I adore and care about very much and he likes me a lot as well. The birth mother and my fiancé were together for about five months before she tricked him into getting her pregnant (said she was on birth control when she wasn't), things were good until she cheated on him when their son was around five months old. She now has three kids with three different dads, going through a divorce with a whole different guy, and moving in with another guy. She's one of those people you hear horror stories about but never truly believe their could be someone out their like that. She's always used their son against my fiancé constantly threatening to take him away, harasses not only him but his friends, has not allowed him to have a relationship before me and many many other things. When she initially found out about me she flipped out calling me a bunch of nasty names and tried to take their son away away, and it's basically been that way throughout our entire relationship except she never actually takes their son away. She rarely ever takes care of her children, preferring to leave them at their dads' families houses while she goes out to party. My fiancé has been the sole provider and caretaker of their son since he was born. It wasn't until recently that she's started seeing him regularly because my fiancé moved for a job. She has no boundaries, calling whenever she wants about things unrelated to their son, going into my fiance's family's nail shop for free and even eating at his parents house. She won't even allow their son to be at our wedding. I'm at a complete lost as to how to feel, think and react. We have always and still are fighting about this issue and I don't know if I am overreacting or if I have some validity here. I hate that my life has become something right out of a jerry springer show. For you women who have dealt with this please give me some advice here, it is completely overwhelming.

My second issue is an obvious one, that my fiancé has no rights when it comes to his son. This is something that we have also always argued about because I feel that as a father that's the one thing that he should be working towards but to him he sees no point in it because he already went once and obviously lost. He says that nothing has changed in the last almost three years since they went to court and so he is only setting himself up for failure if he goes again. He says he will NOT talk about this again because he has no control over the situation. He is adamant that I never talk about it again. I partially understand his point of view but at the same time I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life. Letting a disgusting excuse for a person control our lives.. I don't know what to think or do.

I applaud anyone that reads this entire thing and am thankful for any advice. Thanks a lot guys!

3 Comments

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Angela - posted on 02/24/2014

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I don't feel Shawnn's comments are rude.

She's pointing out the discrepancies of the opening post. She DOES say that her partner is the sole provider and caretaker for this child. Now, that means that NO-ONE else on this earth is providing for the child financially and that no-one else on this earth is providing the day-to-day physical and emotional care for this child. This to me means that he is raising this child, he has custody and the child lives in his father's house.

Therefore why would he have no rights as outlined in the second paragraph?

Pure logic.

[deleted account]

They are not rumors when they are true, she has made that information open to everyone. You're comments were nothing but rude so why even bother posting?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/24/2014

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“The birth mother and my fiancé were together for about five months before she tricked him into getting her pregnant (said she was on birth control when she wasn't)”~~If he was concerned about his commitment to her, he should have been providing his own condom, just in case. No excuse. He didn’t have to screw her.
“. She now has three kids with three different dads, going through a divorce with a whole different guy, and moving in with another guy. She's one of those people you hear horror stories about but never truly believe their could be someone out their like that”~~And you are obviously ‘one of those people’ who takes joy in spreading rumours about others. What does how many baby fathers and how many moves she’s made have to do with this?
“She's always used their son against my fiancé constantly threatening to take him away, harasses not only him but his friends, has not allowed him to have a relationship before me and many many other things”~~Sounds about par for the case
“When she initially found out about me she flipped out calling me a bunch of nasty names and tried to take their son away away, and it's basically been that way throughout our entire relationship except she never actually takes their son away”~~Well, you spread stories about her promiscuity, so why shouldn’t she call you names?
“She rarely ever takes care of her children, preferring to leave them at their dads' families houses while she goes out to party.”~~So you have any actual proof? You’ve been out partying with her?
“My fiancé has been the sole provider and caretaker of their son since he was born”~~To this, I say , good job, Dad!
“She has no boundaries, calling whenever she wants about things unrelated to their son,” ~~Your perception and her perception may differ on whether or not her calls are about her son.
“going into my fiance's family's nail shop for free and even eating at his parents house.”~~I’m assuming that since it’s a nail shop, it’s a business, and therefore not against the law for her to patronize the business…And most people who don’t want others partaking of a meal at their home will have no problem saying so. So, is your problem with this because you think that she needs to completely cut off ALL forms of contact with the child’s family?
“She won't even allow their son to be at our wedding”~~If your partner is the sole provider and caregiver, then that indicates the child is in your partner’s home…so what’s the problem?

“My second issue is an obvious one, that my fiancé has no rights when it comes to his son”~~Now, which is it? Either he’s the sole provider and caregiver, and she prefers to leave her kids with their fathers, or he’s not, and she doesn’t…Either way, the story isn’t consistent from paragraph one to paragraph two. Get your story straight. And stick with it once you decide which version you’re going to present to the world. Otherwise, we get wise.
So, if he is the sole provider & caregiver, what more do you want him to do? And if he’s not, as indicated by your second paragraph, you need to encourage him to step up.

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