Deciding on having a 3rd child??

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone. I am new to circle of moms, well I read lots of posts on here, but this is my first post. I am a working mother of 2 children, one girl and one boy, ages 6 and 4, who get along GREAT and love each other so much. I have always wanted 4 or more children. When I got married, I thought my husband and I had compromised on having 3 children, as he said he wanted only 2 but I wanted more. About a year and half after my son was born, I began bringing up the idea of having another child. To my surprise, my husband said he did not want anymore, that I knew he only wanted 2. I reminded him of the conversation we had about agreeing on 3, and he does not remember having that conversation. I understand that even when you agree on a "number" of kids you are going to have, that things may change after the first or second child to make you change your mind. However, he did not ONCE mention anything to me about being done after our son. My husband is a great husband and father, but he works lots of hours so I am the primary caregiver to our children. I am the one who takes them to school/daycare and picks them up, I take off work to take them to all their dr appointments, I make dinner each night, I do baths and homework each night, I volunteer at school, I stay home when they are sick. I LOVE my children and would do all of this in a heartbeat. My point in saying this is that if we had a thrid child, it would not make as big a difference to him as it would to me. I undetrstand there is more to having a child than just all the things I mentioned above, as he may feel more pressure to provide for 3, rather than 2. Our problem is, how is it fair to "force" him to having another baby, or for me to just say OK, we are done, when I feel so strongly. This is such a hard decision to commake, as there is no black and white answer, no way to "compromise". I think about having another child daily basis. I have written my husband letters to try and let all my feelings out. We have discussed the topic many times. One thing I say to him is, if you are done and know you are done, then why have you not made an appointment to get vasectomy or why do we not use any form of birth control? He always tells me that since he knows I want another child so much that he is trying to keep an open mind and not do anything permanent. That means so much to me! I dont not believe in deceiving or tricking him into the third child, as that is wrong on SO many levels. I thought, maybe I just have the urge for a "baby" and it will pass, but it never does. I have tried reading blogs and articles on how to get over the desire for another child. I have talked to friends. We even went to counseling, but in the end, they all say it is a decision we have to make, and it truly is. I guess my question is, how did other couples finally come to agreement on if they were going to have one more?? All advice is appreciated!

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/22/2013

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ANd, in turn, you need to ask "why" YOU NEED to have another one. There must be some compromise for the both of you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/22/2013

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And you are right. it is not right to "force" him to have another child. That would be awful. It could ruin your marriage, he may resent the child, and so much more. You may want to think about backing off of him for a while and revisiting the discussion in 6 months or so. But definitely find out the reason "why" he does not want more.

My husband and I both knew 2 was it for us. Neither one of us has wavered from that decision, and I had my tubes tied after the second. Sometimes once we make up our minds....that is really it. We are done. He may just feel like we do about it. I could not handle another one. Neither could my husband. We are happy with our 2.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/22/2013

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Well, WHY is he saying he does not want more kids? Is there a specific reason he has told you? If not, I would start with finding out.

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