defiant disrespectful hateful teenage daughter

Jenny - posted on 03/13/2014 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I have a 13 year old daughter whom thinks she is entitled, constantly back talks, will not help out with minimal tasks around the house; mean to her 5 year old sister. If doesn't want to do something she will resist you all the way and not cave. Demanding. Has no care about anything ie. Homework family respect. Has really put damper on our family of 3. It is constant turmoil in our home. Help help help. I am about to loose my mind.

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Kate - posted on 03/17/2014

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Dear Jenny, You should read a book called "Why Parents Should Matter More Than Peers" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. I saw him speak and read his book! This will explain WHY your daughter is acting this way, and HOW you can rescue her! He is a genius with a lifetime of knowledge and experience in his field. If you really want to help your daughter and your family, it's a MUST READ. I hope it all works out! Take care, Kate S.

Crissyw5900 - posted on 03/16/2014

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I'm truly sorry and empathetic to your situation for my situation is exactly the same I also have a 13 year old daughter who disrespects me to no end and demands and feels entitled to whatever she wants no matter what anyone says . I also have a 4 year old son who by watching her has started to disrespect me it has been nothing less then torture and chaos . She's been expelled from school for fighting and skipping classes. I went down to the juvenile probation and got her put on probation which didn't teach her or scare her at all made her more defiant. 9 months ago do to her actions and my agreement she was put in a residential facility she was just let out last week . this truly did help she is a lot more cooperative and owns up to her mistakes and admits them. But the best advice I can give you is to be strong and when you say no you have to stick to it. I learned that my actions were just enabling her to act the way she was when I finally told her enough and showed her I wasn't playing around she finally started to show me the respect I deserve . I called the cops on her I had her put in hospitals for weeks at a time. This may sound harsh and please don't think I'm trying to say this is what you have to do this is what helped me once I started taking everything away friend , clothes, iPod, cell phone, anything she enjoyed I took and made her earn with respect she finally did get it . I truly wish you the best and will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope I was somewhat helpful .

Carrie - posted on 03/18/2014

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I have a 15 yr old daughter and she went through this also at age 13. It was horrible lol. Extremely disrespectful, rude and just not caring about anything or anyone. It definetely put a strain on our entire family! Luckily this was just a phase and after about a yr, yr and a half..her whole attitude completely switched around and she became one of the most caring, considerate and thoughtful towards others child:) It literally was like a 180 just out of no where:) What did I do? Nothing really:) Of course I still grounded her, took her phone away for a week, etc whenever she got into trouble, and granted it didnt stop the behavior at all, nor the backtalk and disrespectful talking, but I knew she was normally not like that. This was a huge change in her and after talking to some other of my close friends with teenage girls seen that this seemed to be a very very common stage right around age 13 for all of them. So yes, I did have some compassion for her during this time, and I overlooked alot of the "mouth", hoping that I was right and this was just a phase. And it was!:) I would suggest just standing your ground, being consistant, but also show love and understanding, knowing this is probably just a phase. Their bodies are going through SO much at this time. Its funny because now, several times she has talked to me about how she used to be and she is constantly saying how sorry she was back then:) That meant everything in the world to me to hear her say that:) So just dont loose hope just yet:) P.S. I have been told there is another ruff phase at around age 16 lol...Im dreading that:)

Crissyw5900 - posted on 03/16/2014

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You are very welcome. Just know that you are not alone and you can be that strong stable women that I'm sure you are. I have made so many bad choices and try each day to move past them and remind myself the past doesn't matter it's the present and future decisions that count . Stand strong and be the confident, independent women that I'm sure you are. Good luck

Lexi - posted on 03/17/2014

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I am not sure if this relates to your daughter but when i was 13 i acted the same way i was rude to my parents i never did anything for my mom like help her with cleaning and i just started fights with my older sister and brother because i had so much aggression. I my experience it was me starting my puberty i believe every child will be defiant in some ways so she might just be depressed and gong through the whole hormone change. I would like to add that today i am a much nicer and caring person than back then so i don't think her attitude will stick. i wish you the best of luck because dealing with kids at that age untill they are probably about 17 or 18 is very difficult. Best of luck Jenny!

26 Comments

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Jenny - posted on 03/16/2014

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Thanks. I have to stand my ground and not let up even if it means putting in 24 hours a day fighting as long as I stick to it. She is headed down that same road. Scares me. Thanks

Jenny - posted on 03/16/2014

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That we have made improvements. We make a contract with one another in writing and what expectations are and both sign. Then I can't change rules add she thinks I do and she had written rules to see consequences. It's just hard because she looks at it as well I already lost my phone because it broke and she is already grounded so what's it matter. That's the frustrating part. Then runs off on my five year old. She says pay off teens these days but not sure I'm strong enough to stand ground 24/7. It's tough being single mom. You tend to cave to get a break. That's where they know that and I have to make changes and stick with. I have much work to do myself. We probably would have hurt one another already if wasn't for our counselor

Jodi - posted on 03/16/2014

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What is the cousellor saying about the behaviour - have you had any success with the counselling?

Jenny - posted on 03/16/2014

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I would agree with you but what else do? She has lost all electronics. No phone. Grounded until grades improve. Continually fights and picks at little sister and can get Dow right mean and continues to do the same with me and refuses to help or attempt to get along with anyone in this household. She is tearing our family apart. We are all constantly fighting and she laughs.

Angela - posted on 03/16/2014

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When you are withdrawing privileges for poor behaviour, it might be worth remembering that when there's nothing left, she's a person with nothing to lose. A person with nothing to lose is a dangerous person to be around. Think carefully before you progress to the pillow & blanket stage!!

Jenny - posted on 03/14/2014

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Same issues. Being a single mom it is hard after long day to come home to mess, etc and the rudeness and disrespect and I don't have to attitude to stay strong and keep the follow thru. I admit I have caved too many times because it is just so exhausting. She has learned that and knows and willingly admits she knows exactly how far she can push me, when to ask, and how to get away with it and getting me to cave. I get so frustrated and the stink knows it. Then.there are days she is the best dang kid. I think I am also having a hard time letting my baby grow up. It's always been her and me everything. Now that she doesn't want to be around her "mommy" just hurts. I know I must put my big girl pants on and buckle down before she turns down the wrong path in life.

Jennifer - posted on 03/14/2014

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And Jenny, if it comes down to her only having the "essentials" so be it. There is nothing wrong with imposing consequences for her actions or discipline upon her. There are plenty of times I'd like to smack the s*** out of my stepdaughter! It takes everything I have in me to hold back when she's disrespectful to me and my husband. Just last week my husband and I were texting each other, and she told him to turn off his phone because I was getting on her nerves and she didn't care what I had to say about it. Instead of my husband telling her to have respect and mind her own business that we were having a conversation that didn't involve her, he just let it go to avoid an argument, so she in turn was left with no consequence for her attitude.

Jennifer - posted on 03/14/2014

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I have a 12yr old step daughter who sounds exactly like that. My 10yr old is being raised completely different. I am a different type of parent from my husband and his ex wife. My daughter KNOWS there will be consequences to her bad actions if she steps out of line. The best advice to give is follow through follow through and follow through with discipline. You ARE allowed BY LAW to physically make your child mind. And my motto is: They are never too old to be spanked. Some parents may not agree with that, but look at most of the kids today who have never had one spanking in their lives...spoiled, ungrateful, a sense of entitlement, disrespectful, the list goes on. I really hope you can get her under control Jenny before it's too late.

Christina - posted on 03/14/2014

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Hi Jenny.
Let me first say, I don't have a teen but, I know several people with teenagers and I have seen what has worked for them.
You may have already tried this, I don't know but, taking away certain items i.e mobile/cell phone, tv in the bedroom, computer or access to certain things on the computer, being able to go out on her own, having friends over.
To have those things returned she has to earn them back by helping around the house, talking to people including her younger sister with respect, doing homework and the other things you would like her to do.
Try to concentrate on one problem at a time though. Make a list of the things you would like to change and decide which to focus on first i.e behaviour towards you and her sister as it affects you all. When the behaviour has improved and is consistent move onto the next.
It may take a while but will be worth it in the end.
I hope that this is helpful in some way even if only a little.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/13/2014

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~MoD WARNING~

Stop the in thread bickering. If your comments do not pertain directly to the OP's concerns, walk away. If it continues, this thread will be closed. That would be a shame because this mother is getting helpful advice.

~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

Michelle - posted on 03/13/2014

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You weren't being attacked, you have been posting comments that could have used a bit more compassion. Just because it's what you are thinking doesn't mean you have to type it. Sometimes it's best to stop and reread what you have written before hitting the reply button.

Michelle - posted on 03/13/2014

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Madison: Your comments are uncalled for. Please stop with crass hurtful comments, there's no need to be nasty with complete strangers that are asking for advice.

Jenny - posted on 03/13/2014

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Madison do u have teenagers? I know a lot of her behavior is typical but when it affects the entire household it becomes a huge problem. When she treats other adults with disrespect and can't care.for the nice things she has been given when there are 100th of kids whim don't even have a pillow to sleep on. Yes I have a problem with her behavior. If you have ideas to help understand her better i am all ears

Jodi - posted on 03/13/2014

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You can still hug her every day. Unfortunately, she just may not respond. I know it's hard. I've become pretty good at when I hear the "I HATE YOU< I WISH YOU WEREN'T MY MUMMY" switching off and saying "well, I love you very much and I'm sorry you feel that way, I always love you", and then getting on with things. I often get an apology afterwards. Often their reaction is purely to push buttons. When they know the buttons don't work, it generally stops.

Jenny - posted on 03/13/2014

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Thanks ladies. Jodi think I may try just that. My hardest problem is not reacting. I have improved but have a long ways to go. Any advice I am open to cause I miss my sweet.litte.girl that would always hug me and say I love u everyday and I was her superhero. Now not so much

Jodi - posted on 03/13/2014

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How about next time they ask you to do something, you say no. I wonder how your daughter would like it that next time you sit down to dinner, there is no plate at her place. Does she do her own washing? Does she buy her own clothes? No? Well, if she wants new ones, she can EARN them. And yes everything but pillow and blanket. Sure, she will probably be a total bitch to you. Become very good at putting on the stone face and ignoring her tirades.

Jenny - posted on 03/13/2014

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Ok. How do you even try and talk or explain this is unacceptable. I've lost it, I've talked calmly, I have ignored, I don't know how to get her to understand that we are a family and we help each other. We all react to the others mood in our house. It is getting bad enough that when I ask my 5 year old to do something she will say no because she is following what her sister does. I try to explain to her that she is a role model for the younger one. She just rolls her eyes. I might as well record what I say for I am Pete the repeat parrot. I've heard teens are difficult but how.long does this last. Heck we haven't even started the period yet. Yikes. Not sure I can take much more. It has really taken affect on our family as a whole. I know they say consistency but even with that there is no change. It's almost made it worse. I think by my spoiling while younger has created a monster. I often feel she has no guilt in what she does. She broke her sisters I pod that she cherishes and said oh well she gets in my stuff. It broke my little ones heart. She said I let sissy borrow it because she wanted to listen to music. I would be guilt ridden. My oldest. Not so much

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/13/2014

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You're doing fine, and yes, that may need to be your next step. Hang in there, mom. You'll pull through!

Jenny - posted on 03/13/2014

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She has lost everything. She broke her phone and feels I should automatically replace and I havent. It's been gone long enough that she doesn't seem to care. She flops privileges when not turn in homework. Has been grounded for last 3 months due to negative hateful attirude. She just rolls her eyes and says she doesn't care. I literally have to lock myself in the bathroom just so I don't loose it on her. She usually is a very sweet, well loved, kikeable, younger kids look up to her but she is now this mean girl I no longer kniw. I can't handle it. We are in counseling. I am at absolute loss of what else to do. As Dr Phil once said take everything away but pillow and blanket. That's my next step

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/13/2014

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What are her consequences for this sort of behaviour?

Consequences must be imposed, and consistency must be maintained in order for your teens to understand that you're not giving in. Misbehaviour needs to result in a restriction of privileges, such as phone/internet access and social activity. And don't give the privileges back until the child understands why it is inappropriate to behave the way she does. Consistency. Each and every time the behaviour occurs, a consequence is imposed.

She's testing, pushing, and seeing what she can get away with. You stay strong, show her that you're not buying her act. This will pass, and you'll be fine if you stay strong.

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