defiant teens

Maureen - posted on 04/18/2012 ( 32 moms have responded )

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my 16yr old has been manipulating me for yrs. i am a single mom and he verbally abuses me and smokes pot in my house even after i say no my fiance moved in 1 yr ago and he hates him he said my fiance made up all these rules before he moved in there was no rules. he tells my parents and my parents feel sorry for my child. i started to crack down because he is out of control even before my fiance moved in i feel like i should just kick my fiance out and mayb things would get better. i doubt they will because it has been going on before him but now he has some one to blame and he wont b happy until my fiance is gone. i feel so guilty and torn

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Linda - posted on 04/19/2012

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Remember this YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO THINGS BECAUSE OF YOU not to sastify someone else. My life has been hard too; but I can tell you this. My life change when I decide to surrender my life to Christ. I am not saying that I change instantly and that it became easy for me. My life was still hard but with God it was different. Right there where you are ask God in your privacy to help you and I know He will because He has done it with me. The Bible says that if we ask and seek God will listen to us. Keep in mind that even before we ask He knows our situation. Keep in mind that He also wants the best for us. Read the Bible, pray, seek God and He will show the way.

Remember you are your son's example. He will do what he sees you doing.

Maybe you also listen to drcharlesstanley.org, his praying are excellent.

should also seek for profesional help just be careful with who you talk to; there is a lot of people out there that regardless of their degree don't know what they are doing.

Renee - posted on 04/18/2012

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All children {whether 6 or 16} need clear rules with clear consequences. As parents we need to enforce the consequences all the time. Write down your simple ground rules such as:



1. show respect verbally {no swearing and no talking back}

2. do chores daily {make bed, put your laundry away, put dishes away}

3. ask permission to do activities outside the home and return home on the agreed upon time

4. etc ...



At the bottom of the sheet, write: The consequences for disobeying any rule:



Strike 1: No television, screen time, etc. {take things away they love}

Strike 2: Add extra work such as {1 hour of free chores on saturday}

Strike 3: Grounded for the week. {no driving, no car, no phone plus extra chores daily}.



You must stick to the rules or you will raise a living terror. As a parent it's your responsibility to enforce rules and train up a child in the way they should go. Your "boyfriend" is right.



P.S. Tell your child that if they do anyting illegal in your house, you will report them to the police and then do.

America3437 - posted on 04/19/2012

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He is manipulating you! He is not at all pleased that another man is in his home and you should stand your ground! Rules should be followed and if he insists on breaking them then he would be in his room with out the electronics they all love. As far as pot smoking....I don't think it leads to other drugs but it damn sure kills all ambition you have! He would smoke it outside or not at all! Who pays the bills and feeds and clothes him? He is still your son and you are still his mom! He only 16 so you still have the ability to control his life if he cant handle it. I have 3 teens and they would dare not for fear of my wrath! Now when they turn 18 and feel they can move out and support themselves then have at it but till then you still live in my home and can't do a damn thing about it. I just keep reminding my self that one day when they have kids this will all make since to them. It did me.

Theresa - posted on 05/08/2012

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Augh.... I'm sure while most of all of this is good advice, you're head is probably spinning. I think you need to sit done with your son on two separate occasions. First one, just you and him. Start by telling him how much you love him. Tell him that he is a part of you and you will always love him no matter what he does. But also tell him that how he acts hurts you very deeply. Make sure he understands that while you love your fiance', it does not diminish the love you have for your son. They are two separate kinds of love and you heart is big enough for both of them. Tell him that your sorry that his bio dad has not been a part of his life and it is wrong and unfair. Step dad will never be his dad, but that he should really give him a chance. You love this man, and it hurts you that he (son) does the things he does. While having a son makes you happy, it does not and cannot fulfill the part of your heart and soul that needs adult companionship. Then, LISTEN & HEAR what HE has to say. Let him talk. If he starts blaming fiance, tell him that you are sorry he feels this way, but acting the way he acts isn't helping. I once heard my stepson say that if I went away, everything would be perfect. That's because he didn't like rules and new that he could get around his dad. Anyway, tell him and be loving but firm that you do not approve of his behavior. Maybe before your fiance came into the picture, son did not act in this way, but now he is, and this is why you are creating rules. You can also flat out tell him ie, if you "allowed" him to smoke pot in house before fiance came into picture, that it was wrong of you to allow it. That you were wrong for not setting and sticking by rules. That as a parent, you are not perfect, and make mistakes, but that you see your mistakes and are correcting them. Tell him that you are making the rules and the fiance will be supporting you in them. Let him talk and listen some more. Tell him if he wants to be treated like an adult, he has to act like one. Tell him that he doesn't have to love your fiance, but he does have to respect him. Then tell him that sometime over the next dew days that the three of you are also going to sit down and talk. Take one day a week and spend it ONLY with him. NO fiance. This is your special one on one time together. THEN, talk to your fiance about all of it (your talk you had with son) and make sure son is not around or in hearing distance (kids even try to listen through the vents because sound travels through them!) Tell him what happened. Tell him that all three of you are going to sit down and talk. Tell fiance that YOU are the one in charge of this meeting. Tell them both what you expect from each of them and let them both hear you tell it to the other. Son is allowed this and that, but is not allowed this or that. Fiance is not making rules but that YOU expect him to enforce them. YOU will be the one to punish your son but fiance will support you in that. If you are gone when son is punished and fiance is there to see it, fiance can say, hey, your mother said you are not to be doing this. You need to stop, etc. If he doesn't listen, then YOU deal with it when you get home. Take one day at a time. You may not have the energy, but you are the parent and you have to FIND the energy. If kids didn't need parents then God wouldn't have created them. I know it's a lot, I"ve been through it. Take a lot of deep breaths and a lot of time for prayer. You can pray in bed, in the shower, in the car, in the bathroom, whatever. Just do it. I wish you all the best of luck. God bless you!

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User - posted on 05/08/2012

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thanks 4 everyones advice. my son blames me 4 everything he says i always want to butt heads with him i love him so much but if i say the wrong word he will go into a tizzy and start banging and throwing things. the other day i drove him to work and as we were driving we were having a nice conversation and i asked him why he doesnt see his one friend any more becuz he meaning his friend stopped smoking pott? well he threw his lunch all over the wind shield was banging on the counsil thought he was gonna break the wind shield . he said im always putting him down and he would never introduce his girlfriend to me and he is gonna piss on my grave and he thinks im trying to force him out of the house .he never went to work was crying like a baby saying how bad his life is and made me drop him off some where. needless to say i went home and cried my eyes out . i really am beside myself and when he cries i feel so bad 4 him and feel so horrible . help!!! he has a 8 page report in english to do becuz he didnt do community service he said hes not doing it if he doesnt do it he will fail his junior yr. i am so nervous about this to again i am the blame 4 everything that has happened in his life sometimes i think mother hood was not cut out 4 me

LorenaFritts - posted on 05/07/2012

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Your son needs someone with lots of starch in his or her back bone. Teens are a tough job and they do need tough love. Is there man in your family or circle of friends that your son respects?
If so, ask them to spend some time one on one with him, doing things that he might like. Fishing, ball games, running, going to the gym together, etc. This will encourage him to talk about his problems with someone who is there to listen and eventually start him on a positive path. Attending church with him would be an excellent start.

Aleece - posted on 05/05/2012

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Please don't give in to him you must put him in his place cause he is out of control. If you don't you will loose your partner he wants to control you don't allow it stand up and remind him he is the child

App+7mnejhu - posted on 05/05/2012

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STOP the guilty feelings! Your son is wrong and you know it. He is using your fiance as an excuse. Perhaps it would be wiser for you to tell your fiance to leave the child rearing to you & just ignore your son, one less thing for him to throw in your face. Have a sit down with your parents & explain to them that 1. Your son is YOUR child and therefore subject to YOUR rules, just as you were to obey them. 2. Your son is using them against you - THEIR child and they should be supporting YOU.3. Your son is behaving in a destructive way that will follow him throughout his life unless you can stop him now. His defiance to any rules is partly because he is a teen - tell him you owe him nothing but a roof over his head and food & clothes. Also look into a psychologist. Teen years are prime time for depression and a lot of other psychiatric problems. Nip this in the bud & assert your control. Just like you wouldn't tolerate a 2 yr. old having temper tantrums, do not tolerate a 16 yr. old having them either.

Mom - posted on 05/05/2012

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The most helpful advice someone told me in my life is remember who runs the house--YOU!! Not your child. Smoking pot is illegal. Being verbally abusive and disrespectful is unacceptable. You need to sit down one on one with your son and let him know there is a new sheriff in town and it's you, the mom. Sit down and make the rules of the home and STICK to it. Write the rules down in front of him and post them on the refrigerator. He needs to be respectful to you and your fiance. Do you want you son to grown up and treat his wife or other people like he is treating you and your fiance? As far as the grandparents go--would it had been ok with them for you to treat them like your son is treating you? Sit down and have a heart to heart with them as well and inform them about what is REALLY going on in your home. If they choose to feel sorry for your son, that is too bad. It is your home and you have to live there, make it a home you want to live in. Don't worry about outsiders--they do not live there it is not their decision. It will be difficult at first, but in the end it WILL make your life and everyone elses in the house easier. Children want boundries, children need rules. WE teach them social behavior and how to behave in the real world. Your child will still love you. However, your child knows how to work you as well. Show him you have respect for yourself by stopping the manipulation. If you love your fiance and you let him go, that is a mistake. Respect him enough to show him you are in control of your son. Letting your child rule your life and making your life miserable NEVER works. In the end you will resent your son or be lonely and alone. The choice is yours.....

Sherri - posted on 05/05/2012

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If he is smoking pot I would be calling the police and turning him in, plain and simple. I would not tolerate the verbal abuse under any circumstances either. It isn't your finances fault that your son is out of control but it seems you let things escalate instead of nipping it in the bud before it got so out of control.

I would immediately either turn him into the authorities for the drugs or get him into rehab asap. That would be my first concern over all else and it also sounds like you both would benefit from family counseling.

Beth - posted on 05/05/2012

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I have an 18 year old daughter that has moved out and is doing things I do not approve. I know what your going through. As bad as it sounds at least your son is at home. I hope things get better for you and your son. In the mean time do not waste your time lecturing and getting angry because things will not get better that way I assure you. Your son is just acting out maybe some unresolved issues he's dealing with. I would say just tell him you love him and seek help for him and yourself if you think you could use it, you might be surprised.

Renee - posted on 05/02/2012

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His putting furniture outside calls for you to respond with a consequence as you've written down. Poor actions must result in harsh consequences every time. We must parent consistently. We must not back down as parents. Right now, he needs to learn basic life concept #1: Obey rules.

If you feel afraid that He will hurt you {that indicates you've allowed him to go wild} and you will need to take deeper action by calling on outside support such as military camp or the police {at this point he needs a huge wake up call in the area of personal boundaries and following rules}.

I would also get on my knees and pray for him every day to learn how to obey and that rebellion would leave him. Do you both have a personal relationship with Jesus? Jesus died on the cross 2,000 years ago to pay for our sins. He loves us. When He died, we now have access back to a loving Father God. Receive Jesus' gift. Cry out to God for His help. You are not alone.

In summary:
1. Don't parent alone. Receive Jesus and ask God for his help, strength and direction. Pray also for your child's surrender and a softening heart.
2. Stick to your consequences everyday. Find one way to show love also, every day. "I love you, but that action is against our rules. This is your consequence." Being consistent is love.
3. If he is becoming dangerous, you must take a larger action with military school or involve the police. Let him know that any illigal activity will be reported to the police.
4. You, need to model obedience to the Lord. Parent model. God says to not live in idolatry {unmarried sex}. If you want your son to model obedience, you need to be obedient to God. Showing that you live with men is not a Godly example of true commitment for your son. It is sin when you live uncommitted with the opposite sex. Be willing to make good choices as a parent. Make the right choice and tell your son, you are following God's rules. You really can't expect your son to follow rules ... if you aren't either.

KENNETH - posted on 05/01/2012

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I raised 5 sons and all I can say is [Boot camp for this Child whom thinks He is an adult] if He smokes pot in Your house does He realize You could go to prison for a long time it happen once 35 yr ago at My house every person there had to empty there pockets and i threw it in the toilet the Boys and My sons all turned out great.and There friends still have a great respect for Me.My prayers are with You get tufff.

Diane - posted on 04/28/2012

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Maureen ... Your son is screaming for "your attention." He needs you to be his Mother, to set boundaries and focus on getting him back on track. You only have a few years left to make an impact on his life. Being firm and following through, is critical as you parent him in love. There are consequenses for his behavior. Calmly discuss what they will be with him and enforce them!

Your son and the man in your life are competing for your attention and affection. A son should not have to compete for love from his mother. Any man who loves you would want you to have a healthy relationship with your son. This relationship needs to take second place to the one you have with your son. You can never recapture the time you spend with him. Discover things your son enjoys and do these things together. This builds a deeper relationship with him and gives you something to talk about ... not fight over.

Find a church with a strong Youth Group and Youth Pastor that can be a positive influence in your sons life. This may change the entire direction of his life. Being part of a Parents Life Group or Sunday School Class will be helpful, as you need support, also. You may discover a Counselor/Therapist to be extremely helpful. Making small and large changes in your home with the, "house rules", will show your son you are serious about creating a healthy environment for both of you.

Parenting is difficult under ideal circumstances...I trust you will look to God for your help. He will give you the wisdom you need now and throughout life. Blessings.

Danielle - posted on 04/26/2012

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In addition to what others are saying, I wanted to suggest getting your son involved with activities that he could agree he enjoys, such as sports. I heard somene day that they handled the teen years by not giving their kids a chance to misbehave because they were doing to many activities. That way, he has a positive social outlet and good influences. Also, maybe you can get him invoked in a church group, they are set up to help people through hard times in life. Also, perhaps if he did some volunteer work for less fortunate people, he might gain perspective and appreciation for what he has, and also feel good about himself, I don't have a teen yet, just throwing out some ideas. I was a good daughter and good student, but I my teen years, I was hard on my parents, I think for me it was peer pressure and not a good social outlet, I really wante dot go out on the weekend and after school, and the only way I could dothat was getting involved with th wrong people. In the end, I had fun during that period and went on to a responsible happymlife, because I was truly just going after the social life, and the other things just went along with that.

Ann - posted on 04/26/2012

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I feel real bad for you. It sounds like you have always been real lienuent with him. That was always my problem, & I still am. I do hope mothers of small children read this & learn from it. That is when you can still bend & shape them. If one does not train them then, it gets harder all through the years. Our one son is still very difficult, & can act very hateful. Whatever it takes see if you can't still get him into respect & obedience for his good as well as for everyone else. Nothing is impossible for GOD!!! Call on HIM! He will hear you. We must above everything choose GOD & obey HIM.

Kathryn - posted on 04/19/2012

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The best book Iv read is have a new kid by Friday you should read it because it has helped me for years with my foster kids and with my own kids. Yes Iv had lots of difiant terns here.

Kathryn - posted on 04/19/2012

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Give him an altimation either he abide by you rules and quits fussing you or he goes to like a camp for troubled terns or a military school. I guarantee this will change him and when he gets out hell quit with the disrespect.

Linda - posted on 04/19/2012

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because of this typing errors is that I don't like to write on the internet.

I am very sorry about it

Linda - posted on 04/19/2012

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SORRY I wrote a mistake. I meant to write "I am NOT " saying that you are a bad mom

Linda - posted on 04/19/2012

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I am saying that you are bad. I am saying that we all in one way or another do things that are not good. I am saying that regardles of how bad it is what we do, we all need to seek for God. I don't know you I am just reading a post you posted here. I can not say by it who you are but I can see that you need a lot of support. I wish I could talk to you in person to give a better advise; but since I am not able all I can tell you is that GOD IS YOUR SOLUTION. And what I can not do; I know He can.

Maureen - posted on 04/19/2012

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the thing is i feel like im being viewed through a micro scope and i feel like such a horrible mom shipping hom off. thats all i ni is my children and id miss him horrribly and i no hed hate me pretty sad uh

Maureen - posted on 04/19/2012

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i did lay the rules down not my fiance. he blames my fiance. as far having him write down things or talk he wont he is so spiteful. u r right i did coddle him to much to make up for the loss of his father and i created a monster. he is so stubborn he will make this a living hell for me and my fiance and i dont no if i have enough energy for this difiant child of mine. the thing is my parents here his side ans blame my fiance and think i should give my child his space back. it really is getting unbearable i c no relief in sight

Maureen - posted on 04/19/2012

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what happened to your step son ? did he like u Did he cause total caos 4 u and your husband how did u get him under control?

Maureen - posted on 04/19/2012

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thanks for your advice. i did do just what u said and this is how it all started. he didnt like that i wrote them all down and there are consequences. he said before my fiance moved in there were no rules and blames my fiance for this. he went as far as putting my fiances furniture out in the garage while he was at work and i was out shopping and let his dog out of the house i had to turn around and come home in the fear that he might do something else he is very vengful then i back down because i am afraid he will do something else . his father is not involved in his life so i coddled him to much to compensate for his loss and i have created a monster he still thinks he can come and go as he pleases and my parents blame it all on my fiance what do i do ???

Louise - posted on 04/19/2012

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I think you love your son so much you have gone soft on the disciplin. First of all no smoking in the house. Pot smoking leads to other drugs. This is a firm no! Ask your son what he does not like about living in the house and then you right down what you expect him to do in the house. For example you expect him to be polite, keep his room tidyish, clear away his dishes etc. Then sit down and compare notes.

This gives you a base to start. Your fiance should be included in this as he lives there to. Your son does not like the fact that there is another man in the house laying down the rules, well you lay down the rules then. Just remember in a few years time your son is going to move out leaving you all alone if you kick your fiance out.

If you love your fiance then stand together and disciplin this boy.

Theresa - posted on 04/18/2012

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Renee Metzler is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! I went through the same crap with my stepson. He walked all over my husband who never really had a backbone. If he did make him follow rules, he was never consistent so stepson knew that eventaully he would break dad down and he did. Fiance moving out won't help, but it may save your fiance peace of mind. I hope it's not too late! Remember it will get worse before it gets better, because he will be testing you to see if you mean it. MEAN IT!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

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