Depressed partner has ruined our relationship

Carol - posted on 11/17/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My partner, whom I have been with two years, and I have a six month old son.

Before getting pregnant (unplanned) our relationship had started to change, we werent as loving and rarely were intimate. (I have not changed in appearance, bar im a bit less toned from pregnancy. not an awful looking girl!)

It got worse through the pregnancy, being intimate approx. 5 times in the past year.



I confronted him about this hundreds of times, each time leading to an argument.



Eventually after our son was born he admitted that he does love me, find me attractive but does not know why we are not intimate at all.



He has since been diagnosed with depression. His libido is still present, when he is 'alone'.



I was very very angry, frustrated and upset by this whole fiasco however now that he has started a course of medication to fight the depression and is feeling better, I dont feel the same way towards him as I had done.



It has gone from me begging for intimacy for the past year to me now being happier spending time alone myself.



I dont feel the spark between us, infact im not sure I have done since before falling pregnant. I feel like we are housemates or good friends and not a family or couple.



I have started to think about my ex more and more now too. Wondering if maybe I chose the wrong guy.



Has anyone any advice on what I should do?

4 Comments

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Dove - posted on 11/17/2012

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As someone who has dealt with depression for 36 years... there doesn't have to be a 'reason' that anyone can SEE or understand. It just IS....



His depression hasn't ruined the relationship. The relationship and his love for you is probably what caused him to seek help. You are free to do what you want with your own life, but personally I think it would be really heartless of you to give up on him NOW... when he is actually trying to do better.

[deleted account]

There is no real evident reason for his depression, the only suggestion is a chemical imbalance.As he lives a nice life. We dont have everything in the world but slot more than most people.



Being stuck in the house, not wanting to go anywhere, look at me, touch me or even say that he loves me, for over a year has taken a toll on my own mind now too. And because of this I really dont know if I love him anymore.

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There's no real reason for my depression either. I've had it my entire life (I'm 40). Depression doesn't need a reason. what I would do is actually doing some hard-core research on what clinical depression is and what it isn't. Trust me, I did not choose to be hospitalized for a month and be away from my child and family but I had no choice. I still feel the guilt for causing everyone so much pain. I promise you, he will too.



Even if he doesn't want to see a counselor - you should.



http://www.webmd.com/depression/ss/slide...



This slideshow gives some great information. On thing you'll also learn is the difference in brain activity for a depressed person vs someone with a case of the blues. I also encourage you to use webmd.com to look up his medications so you know what to expect (ex. will it make him sleep walk or will it make him wired all day, etc.)

Carol - posted on 11/17/2012

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He does not go to counselling, only went to his practitioner and now takes his meds. He will not under any circumstance see a therapist.



There is no real evident reason for his depression, the only suggestion is a chemical imbalance.As he lives a nice life. We dont have everything in the world but slot more than most people.



Being stuck in the house, not wanting to go anywhere, look at me, touch me or even say that he loves me, for over a year has taken a toll on my own mind now too. And because of this I really dont know if I love him anymore.



I am in a very lonely relationship.

[deleted account]

Speaking as a person with severe clinical depression, dissociative identity disorder and mulitple personality disorder (toss in severe anxiety too), I can see his side. When you are being assaulted on all fronts by your own mind, it's impossible to break free on your own. I can almost guarantee you he feels horrible for the way he was before he started treatment.



Try looking at it this way, he's only seeking help and medication because he does love you. It's just that it was impossible for him to manage all his emotions before. I strongly encourage you to go to one of his counseling sessions and get the opinion of the social worker/psychologist. My poor 16 year old son has had to watch me go through all this. I finally had to be hospitalized and given ECT (a procedure that scared me beyond description) but... its working.



You should both get into couples counseling and see if leaving really is the best option.

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