desperately needing help!!!

Christina - posted on 11/22/2010 ( 36 moms have responded )

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ok so my sons father(whom im still with)gets frustrated with our son(dylan,who is 4 months) EVERYTIME he gets him,tells him to shut up,and dylan will scream non-stop with my fiance,i think our son isnt comfortable with him because he hasnt been around and our son has bonded with me and my mom!!but to top it off things got so bad the other night that my finace told me he wasnt ready for kids,then i told him that he wanted kids and he made the comment that he wanted a mute kid...which that really hurt my feelings.well today is my finaces birthday,i was trying to clean up the house,he just got off work and was on the computer and dylan was screaming,he sat him up in his lap,dylan wasnt comfortable and was still fussy,so he took him into his room and laid him in his crib to scream,mind you hes done this SEVERAL times,well dylan does not cry himself to sleep and wont stop screaming when put there,and i heard my fiance say from the livingroom "shut the f*ck up kid" i went and told him that was un-called for,and i told him it was a bad idea to have kids with him,i guess he got mad and went to bed but crap I cant take anymore ive cried time after time because he dont try with his son.this is just a brief of it,theres alot more but im not gonna type it all,but i desperately need some answers or advice please!!

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Krista - posted on 11/23/2010

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I agree with Tracey -- it's a bit of a leap to go from telling a kid to shut up to shaking him. I'm not saying that he's NOT capable of that, but I'm not saying it's a guarantee, either.



It sounds like he's just very ill-equipped to deal with babies and doesn't have much patience with them.



I'm going to indulge in some gender stereotyping here, so bear with me:



Men are "fixers". When something is wrong, they want to fix it. When you're having a bad day and you vent to a man, more often than not, he won't commiserate with you or comfort you, instead he'll start giving you advice.



So, when a baby is crying, his dad's first instinct is to fix it. So he tries a few things out of his repertoire, but because he doesn't know babies well, he doesn't know HOW to fix the problem, Dylan keeps crying, and the dad gets frustrated and angry, feeling helpless and like he's a bad parent. And that's when stuff like, "shut the f**k up, kid" comes out. (And I wouldn't even read too much into that. If I'm really tired and frustrated and Sam won't settle, I've been known to mutter, "For f**k's sake, kid, would you just go to sleep?" And goodness knows I adore my boy.)



Even my own husband, who is wonderful with our son and who would lay down his life for him, is nowhere near as patient as I am when it comes to stuff like that.



So what it comes down to is that your partner feels utterly useless and incompetent as a father and like his own baby hates him. And then you swoop in and fix everything FOR him, and then tell him you shouldn't have had kids with him. And it turns into a vicious circle, because then he just stops trying, you wind up doing all of the parenting, and he never DOES learn those skills.



To solve this problem, I would suggest talking calmly to him and saying that you know that it's frustrating sometimes, and that you were thinking of taking a parenting class in order to help you better deal with Dylan and his needs, and that you'd love it if he'd attend as well, so that you're both on the same page. That way, he can learn some new skills on how to cope with the baby, and the two of you can raise Dylan as a TEAM, not as him against you.



Now, you do say that there's a lot more, but you're not going to type it -- if that "a lot more" DOES include any sort of physical roughness or other danger signs, then that certainly changes things.



But as it stands, I wouldn't give up on him just yet. If he's willing to TRY to be a better father, then it's worth meeting him halfway.

Rachel - posted on 11/22/2010

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hunny i think it is going to take alot more than just sitting down with him and talking to him. some men just arent ready to be fathers and have to see what they have to lose by losing it for a time till the actually get better. your son is more important than your fiances birthday. also i have personally taken care of young lady who was shaken by her father when she was 2 and a half months old. the first time i saw her i cried to see what someone could do to their own child. it is a reality that it could happen and it only takes a second for your son to never see or crawl or even get out of diapers or be able to say i love you. it is hard to take care of someone that has been shaken and the girl i took care of was still in diapers in a wheel chair and on a feeding tube and she is 25 years old. also she is in constant pain. it is very sad. i am not telling you this to scare you but to show you the reality of what could happen. please take your son today and just go stay with your mom or someone it needs to happen imediately before something happens to your little precious baby boy. Your fiance needs to see that you are very serious about not dealing with his anger toward your little one. and he needs to get help before you can be a family in the same house. good luck. i know i cant make anyone do anything but i just hope that something that i say will help a child to not end up like some of the children and adults that have been abused that i have taken care of. good luck sweety i know it will be hard to leave him but it will be even harder if something happens to your son.

Rachel - posted on 11/22/2010

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personally i would say it is not safe to keep your son around his father. he might some day go from yelling at him to shaking him and that is very dangerous. i think u need to go stay with someone for alittle till he gets his act together. maybe he needs counceling or something. good luck no body and especially a defeseless child deserves to be yelled at.

Krista - posted on 11/24/2010

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Christina, could you elaborate for us...is he yelling at your son?

In either case, whether you choose to stick with him or not, I think it is vital that you both go for parenting classes together. It'll help you get on the same page. Don't forget, even if you DO leave him, he will still have visitation rights, so he would then have the baby WITHOUT you around to help out.

Get yourselves some parenting classes. It'll help him cope with the pressure and insecurity a lot better.

Sneaky - posted on 11/23/2010

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lol. Good to know that I should give my kids up for adoption now, because some times I yell at them and thus must mean that one day I will physically abuse them.

It is also so humbling to realize that there are so many perfect parents out there that have NEVER been frustrated or angry or scared and have NEVER raised their voices around their kids. WOW. It must be so wonderful to be perfect like that, obviously us mere mortals should never have dared to have kids of our own.

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Christina - posted on 11/24/2010

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@Emma i didnt say that i SAID hes been around toddlers no baby babies,and yes he changes diapers and feeds him.....my son will get to bond with his dad with feedings and crap!!!so yeah he is trying now.....but thank yall and im closing this discussion now

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Christina, part of me wants to say get outta there because that's just negative energy and sad and too stressful for you at a time when you have enough stress and a 4 month old son to protect and love and nurture ya know? BUT you are so right when you say that Dylan needs his dad and you're the only one of us that knows his dad, at least you are the one that knows him best. It's very possible that his dad is just rough around the edges and selfish and wouldn't go beyond yelling. Only you know that but you need to be sure because Dylan needs to be protected from abuse MORE than he needs his dad. Perhaps you should just get out of living together and put the marriage on hold your fiance gets medicated and/or gets some help. It is quite possible he just feels really intimidated by Dylan and being a dad and because he has anger issues that is how it comes out. Some people can't handle the stress but I greatly appreciate that you want to help so that it never has to come to Dylan being "father-less" because that is so sad for our little boys and girls! I hope you can continue to be so strong and courageous and caring towards Dylan and towards your fiance. Make sure you stay in control and have plenty of accountability for your efforts and your safety.

Stifler's - posted on 11/24/2010

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Bonding comes from the baby knowing that daddy cares enough to change nappies and give bottles and stuff. My kid never knew who my husband was or smiled at him before he started doing that stuff. Just coz someone has been around kids doesn't mean they know anything about how to calm them down and stuff.

Christina - posted on 11/24/2010

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he has been around kids just ones that were 2-5 not a baby baby,i cant just leave him we are trying to work so him and his son will bond thats all we need right now because i dont want dylan growing up with a broken family like mine was

Stifler's - posted on 11/24/2010

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He sounds like he has no idea. Maybe he's just never been around kids before so I agree with parenting classes.

Christina - posted on 11/24/2010

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Well he does not yell at him at all he just gets upset quick...and I'll say it now he WILL NOT hit his son no matter how upset he gets

Ashley L. - posted on 11/24/2010

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I think your fiance needs some seariouse parenting classes or something, he don't need to be yellin at Dylen all the time bc he doesn't understand why he's crying. If all keeps up leave him, and move on it would be much saffer for you and dylan. this may sound a little brupt and I'm sorry but you can do so much better that baby don't need to be round that at all. I'm sorry

Louise - posted on 11/23/2010

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I think the responsibility of being a father is to much for this man and he has just lost the plot. I don't know how old he is but by his actions not that old. You can not allow this to go on and need to decide if you can live with the emotional damage that he is doing to your son. A child that grows up in a volatile environment will be shy, nervous and socially scarred. Tell your partner that he is to leave the house until he can behave like an adult and father to his son. Babies do cry and by the way he is treating him his first instinct will be to cry for help. If welfare get a whiff of this you could be in danger of having your son put into protective care or at least on the at risk register. From the actions that this man is displaying he is not going to be a good father to your son who shouts shut the F**k up to a 4 month old? What is he going to do when your son answers him back in a couple of years, slap him! Very dangerous position to be in and I feel if he is not willing to go to anger management and councilling then you need to get your son away from him and fast.

[deleted account]

Your fiance doesn't sound like he is ready to be a father. I would ask myself how happy am I and is this what I want for my son and myself? Would you fiance consider parenting classes and family counseling?

Krista - posted on 11/23/2010

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Can someone point out where the OP said that the father was yelling at the baby?

I saw that he tells the baby to shut up, which is obviously not acceptable, but we have no way of knowing what tone and volume he uses, unless the OP cares to elaborate.

Amanda - posted on 11/23/2010

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Thats the impression I got also Angie...

Dont throw your hubby under the bus?? Its a long cry from yelling to hitting??

Excuse me, but abuse is abuse. It doesnt matter if its hitting or verbal, and many children who are verbally abused have told professionals they would of much rather of been HIT because at least those wounds heal.

Angie - posted on 11/23/2010

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Did I misunderstand that some moms are saying yelling is okay as long as the child isn't shaken? Your fiancé is a baby himself and doesn't deserve to have his son in his life if he's going to abuse him. He's not trying to fix anything he's throwing a fit! Words are very damaging. Verbal abuse and physical abuse are exactly that - abuse! Unfortunately, you and your son are a package deal. Let him know that continued abuse of his son will result in an end to the relationship. Make sure you get child support though!

Ramona - posted on 11/23/2010

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I don't think this is the right environment for you or your baby. There is no excuse for anyone to take that stance with a 4 month old and it seems like your fiance is not only NOT ready for kids, I think it's something deeper that he's probably not willing to share with you. I would suggest seeing a counselor for the both of you to see if he'll be willing to save your relationship and work out the issues so this doesn't happen anymore but if not, you have to be strong enough to do the right thing for you and your baby. Good luck.

Karen - posted on 11/23/2010

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if leaving isn't an option you want to consider maybe try some parenting classes with dad? if he's never been around babies he probably doesn't know how to relate/handle his son. if you both go to a parenting class he may figure things out better (they're very informative and helpful!). definately do not leave your baby with him until things change and he handles your son's crying differently though! gl

Sneaky - posted on 11/23/2010

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Please leave if you don't think your son is safe.

Having said that - don't throw your partner under the bus either! Yes he is frustrated and verbally abusing, that does not mean he will ever raise a hand against you or your child (it IS a warning sign to watch out for other things though).

I have anger management issues - I work on them every day and though I do sometimes yell at my kids (even the baby, though logically I know it is pointless to do so) I would never physically harm them. Unfortunately yelling is how I sometimes vent. And I work at it - every damn day I work at controlling my frustration so I don't hurt the little people I love most in the world by being cranky at them. But as an adult I had to learn how to control my anger and frustration, I have had to reset my thinking to 'walk away and calm down' instead of 'yell'. And it was really hard to learn this because my parents only taught me how to yell.

So what am I trying to say? Look after your baby boy, but if your partner will let you look after him too - life doesn't come with an instruction manual and your partner is obviously ill equipped to deal with his anger and the frustrations of a four month old but he can learn coping strategies if he wants to. If he wants what is best for your family then he will be willing to seek help and if he does then you and his son can be his biggest supporters.

I want you to be safe, I just don't want you to give up on your partner without giving him the opportunity to change because 17 other mums have told you to grab your baby and flee . . . as I said, if you think your son is in danger then of course you should leave, but I don't necessarily think your partner has to be the monster that everyone fears. People can learn to control their anger and work through frustration you know! You just have to give him the chance - if he doesn't want that chance, then you would probably be better off without him.

Good luck, I hope it works out well for you and Dylan soon.

Amanda - posted on 11/23/2010

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This is not a safe eviroment for your son, it is your job as his mother to protect him. Verbal abuse (which this is), can fastly turn to physical abuse (esp with a baby who crys a lot). I would remove the father from the home right away.

Christine - posted on 11/23/2010

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try n talk it out with him u seem to love him alot but as a mom i know how u feel about the kid patiently make him bond with his son maybe that's all the little angle wants patience is whats needed to work things out

User - posted on 11/22/2010

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i would not marry this guy if he is your fiance because if you did leave that baby at home alone. He could do anything to him to get him to be quiet. My sons hates it when his dad yells at him to be queit it makes things worst. i would make sure your fiance controls his temper and get counsel because your son can be in danger.

Shannon - posted on 11/22/2010

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Christina,
I agree whole heartedly with the rest of the women. You are a mother now and your son is your number 1 priority. File for child support. Just because he isn't able to keep his anger in check to care for Dylan does not mean that he isn't still responsible for his care financially. Good luck and God bless.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/22/2010

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Christina, I wish you rthe best luck! What a difficult way to start off your little family, but it will make you stronger!

Christina - posted on 11/22/2010

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thank you ladies,imma do whats best for us,yeah my mom is there its just gonna be rough because i dont have a job and my mom struggles with bills,but i think we can still make it,yall are right me and ESPECIALLY dylan dont deserve that at all.maybe he will come around one day but i dont see it anytime soon

Lisbeth - posted on 11/22/2010

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Get out I agree with everyone it is not safe for your son. AT the very least yelling at him like that has to be verbal abuse. Tell your man to get in to concelling before you go back. But leave as soon as possible.

Jennifer - posted on 11/22/2010

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Get out of there and your son also!You and him do not deserve it!And your fiance does not deserve you!Leave right now, talking to him will not solve the problem, thats what I think anyway!
Hope you take the right dedcision for you and your son!PLEASE KEEP US POSTED!

Jackie - posted on 11/22/2010

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Whoa! Referring to his own son as "kid" and telling him the shut the F**K up shows just how emotionally detached he his to him. I agree with the other ladies. Better be safe than sorry. But even if he wasn't going to hurt him, it would still make me very uncomfortable that my partner (the babies father) felt that our son was an inconvenience. He's needs to man up.



He does sound like he's one step away from losing his temper with him though. I would kick rocks if I were you and it sounds like you have a good support system with your mom. Can you depend on her for help?



Not to mention, if you can't trust him to take care of your baby when you're not around that says something. Go with your gut.

Dora - posted on 11/22/2010

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It is definitely not safe to have your son around him. At 4 months old babies usually cry for a reason. If you have the support from your mom then just worry about your son's well being. If you need to move in with your mom if she is okay with it. Just fron the things you have mentioned show that your son is in a dangerous situation. I know a woman who has a baby who suffers from Shaken Baby Syndrome because of someone who couldn't deal with a crying baby. The child that I know is now deaf, blind and lives off of a feeding tube and has permanent brain damage. Please don't let that happen to your son. Do what you have to, to protect him. People like that can't just be talked to. To cross the line like that means you have one serious problem. Just remember it takes a lot more to be a daddy then just to have a baby. Love is one of the many things that a person needs to demonstarte to their child in order to say they are a mommy or a daddy.

Christina - posted on 11/22/2010

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my mom has said the samething,and yeah my son is VERY important to me and i be damned if i let anyone put their hands on him,ive told my fiance he needs to get help and get put back on meds!!I never expected it to be like this,yeah i get frustrated with my on sometimes but i have NEVER thought about shaking him like my fiance has!!I mean damn you wanted a kid but you cant handle it?really?it just hurts becuz dylan needs his daddy but not if hes gonna act like this.thank yall so much im probably gonna sit down with him tomorrow and tell him i dont wanna do it today cuz his birthday but he WILL NOT mess wih dylan ive already told him to not touch him leave him alone and ill deal with him because i seem to know more of wat to do then him

Laura - posted on 11/22/2010

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Ditto the advice so far! Your fiance has serious anger management issues that make him dangerous to your 4 month old child! Four month old babies cry, that is their nature, and the father is certainly not behaving in an understanding and mature manner. "Shaken Baby Syndrome" can KILL infants and he seems about one scream away from committing this! If you are aware of this man's behavior and he does something to harm your son, most states will also hold YOU accountable for neglect of a dependent (or worse) as well! Contact friends, family, or a women's shelter and remove you and your son form this man immediately. Until he gets some serious counseling/therapy to learn how to deal with his anger in appropriate ways, your job needs to be on the safety, security and care of your son, not your fiance! Seek some help for your son's sake and take care; thoughts and prayers are with you!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/22/2010

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OMG! That is wicked scary. I do believe I agree whole heartedly with Rachel. GET OUT before you regret it! Your fiance is showing some pretty tell tale sign of future violence/neglect/abuse to come. Please take care of you and your precious 4month defenseless child and get the F*&K OUT! Good luck..and please let family know about this so they will understand your actions and give you help...call a counselor also!

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