Did I do the right thing?

Audrey - posted on 07/26/2012 ( 60 moms have responded )

15

0

0

Hi, my name is Audrey, I am fairly new to this site. I registered to get input and advise on situations throughout my pregnancy, I'm only 10.5 weeks. So.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was still dating the father. We had many issues before hand due to a certain "girl" trying to interfere. He would get belligerently drunk and say/do things that NO one should have to deal. We had a few physical altercations resulting in the police being called but no chargers were brought up at the time. As time progressed he kept PUSHING for an abortion, but I'm strong willed and refused. I couldn't live with knowing that I took my little ones life. He did not like this. Ever since that day he is wishy-washy with what he wants. Going from telling me he hates me, to he loves me, to threatening to take MY child away from me. He said he will never love the child, but in spite of me he will do and say whatever it is he has to do to make sure I have no rights to this baby. I completely lost it at that point.

He has threatened my well being and my childs, he was constantly throwing in my face that I'm still in the red zone and I could miscarry at any given point in time. (It's what he was aiming for) He also told me he was going to have his Mother, Cousin and Aunt "jump" me to cause me to miscarry. Along with being called a slut, whore, ect daily I got tired of hearing this. The constant threats via phone call had to come to an end.

I filed for a retraining order yesterday to prevent any bodily harm to myself and my unborn child. Considering things have been physical before, I did not want it to happen again. For God's sake, I have a hematoma (sp?) on my leg, that has not gone away, it's been over TWO months now. The muscle that used to lay underneath the bite mark has disintegrated and will no longer be usable. He was also served with communicating threats, so there is a warrant out for his arrest. His mother decided to call me today and threaten my well being as well.

There was an incident a few months prior with him getting drunk and kicking in his parents front door because they locked him out and changed the key. At that given point and time I was living there. I had a key. But I was at work. A police report was filed against him, but never followed through with. His mother is not stating even though she knows I didn't break into her house she is pinning it off on me. I mean for Gods sake, I have time logs proving I was at work. A statement to the police that he did it. She cannot recant the statement now, can she? These people are absolutely nuts!! They think just because they come from money they can say and do whatever they please. I am not well off by any means. I'm a 19 year old college student who just moved back home to my mothers. We aren't poor, but we don't have money coming out of our ears.

Now I'm regretting filing for this restraining order. I feel as if I have opened up a can of something I cannot control. My friends don't understand because they are fairly naive to the situation. My older friends are all married with children who have never had to encounter it. I just need some support, some input, something. I'm so entirely scared of this whole process. I didn't want things to come to this, but I'm tired of crying, hurting, wondering when he is going to explode again. I just want to feel safe again. I don't think that is ever going to happen!! I'm petrified.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/26/2012

21,273

9

3058

You did the right thing. Stay strong! You do not want him killing you or the baby. Get as many restraining orders as you need, and any time he violates them, call the police. Do not enable him. The police will take you seriously. If you need to move in with family or friends for added protection, do. If you need to fill in work for your safety, do. Stay strong, and congratulations on the baby!

Dove - posted on 07/26/2012

11,630

0

1348

If you have any proof of the rest of the family threatening you I'd go for a restraining order against all of them and call the police each and every time one of them tries to contact you.

Document EVERYTHING and get a lawyer. Hopefully this 'man' will only ever get supervised access (if any) to the baby.

I think at this point and time I'd see about moving in with someone that his family doesn't know, changing your number, and staying hidden until after the baby is born. You do NOT need this stress and mess in your life right now.

Good luck! Stay safe!!!

Dove - posted on 07/26/2012

11,630

0

1348

Even if you don't think you need a lawyer... I recommend getting one anyway. They are great at dealing with court issues, so that you don't have to. All YOU do is talk to your lawyer and give them all the information and they do the rest. MUCH less stressful that way (as less stressful as something like this can be, at least...).

Pamela - posted on 07/29/2012

711

9

6

Keep the restraining order. Get this man and his family out of your life. Since he has says he doesn't want the baby go to legal aid or if you can afford an attorney get one to file for your complete custody once the child is born. Have him sign his rights to the child away before it is born.

Do not ask for child support or any money from him. Release him from all responsibility.

Get to a counseling service as quickly as possible and heal your own personality problems (self esteem, fear, etc.) so that when the baby comes you can be a stable, loving supportive, HAPPY mother to your child.

Every city and or state has services to help mothers-to-be with these kinds of problems. Check your local phone book for these agencies. Start with your local county and work your way up to the state level if necessary.

My prayers go out to you and your situation. May you find a solution that supports you and your child in the highest manner!

60 Comments

View replies by

Brittany - posted on 08/14/2012

4

0

0

you should do what u feel
and all ways think about your kids they come 1 st
but if it was me i would move... on
there is some one there for you i have been there be live it
i was pg and my man had sex with my bff and then was saying shit ... and then he was saying he love s me but then he would was drinking all the time he was doing me bad ..



it is up to u but i would move... on you know like if he did it 1 time just think what if he dus.. it more but i am here for u ok

Julianne - posted on 08/14/2012

4

0

2

Make sure the police know that this guy is dangerous to your health - you should tell them all the threats and keep any proof… If you want to settle things with the guy - you can always tell him you had an abortion… or you miscarried and then he'll leave you alone? I'm not sure :[

Ray - posted on 08/12/2012

1

0

0

There is no chance what so ever tht he will get ur baby... Im scared for u if u come across him or his family but i hope so much that nothing happens to u an ur family.. Stay strong

Greta - posted on 08/11/2012

10

0

3

You have done the right thing in filing the restraining orders. Men like him do not change. He is trying to manipulate you, to get you to do what he wants. Do not listen to him or to his family. If you can block their numbers , do so. Is there somewhere you can go to finish out your pregnancy, where he does not have access to ? Your safety and the safety of your unborn child takes precedence over all else.

Audrey - posted on 08/11/2012

15

0

0

I've been much happier since he's been gone and hasn't contacted me. There is no way he will ever be a big part of my life again.

Wild_priss - posted on 08/10/2012

5

0

2

You by all means did the right thing. You have to do whats best for u and the baby. That guy needs some serious help. I wish u good luck and suggest to meet with a lawyer to figure out what you should do as far the father and custody before the baby is born so by then maybe itll be a bit less stressful. For youll need to focus all ur attention on your newborn. I hate that ur in that kind of situation. Also it sounds if the guy has some serious bipolar and anger issues and the baby doesnt need to be around it at all. If you guys ever decided to work it out do not do it until he agrees to better hisself and there is proof.

Audrey - posted on 08/09/2012

15

0

0

I won the court case! I have one more on the 20th for his communicating threats. The whole court ordeal was absolutely absurd.

Annet - posted on 08/09/2012

1

0

0

I feel what you are going through.. The best advise I give u. I don't know what your faith is but whatever you do , pray....

God will help you. Do the best you can do and leave the rest to God...

You will be surprised what God can do. Just have faith and find happiness and joy in God.

Everything will be alright

Saskia - posted on 08/08/2012

1

0

0

You did the right thing! That precious infant in your womb already knows and can feel how you feel. so think happy thoughts, do things that make you happy be with people who love and adore you and people that you love too! Im gonna remember you in prayer. You deserve better and the life of yourself and your child lies in your hand, choose wisely.

Tamia - posted on 07/30/2012

2

12

0

You absolutely did the right thing. When you become a mother your #1 priority is protecting your child from whomever by any means neccessary!! I would taje out a restraining order on the whole family. I wish u the best of luck!

Molly - posted on 07/30/2012

38

1

0

You did the best thing to protect your child! Now follow through! Stay at your Mom's, stay in college, and stay away from the sperm donor! You can do it!! Protect your child!!

Susan - posted on 07/30/2012

78

20

0

I wanted to add something, not for now, but for when your baby is due. Later on in your pregnancy, write out a list of who may see you while you are labor and delivery and after the baby is born. Put down that under no circumstances is this man to be admitted to see you because you have a restraining order against him, and that you do not wish to see his family either because of their behavior toward you (hopefully you will have a restraining order by then for them, too). If any of them manage to get through, push the call button and ask that they be removed, by security if necessary.

Audrey - posted on 07/30/2012

15

0

0

Thank you all very much for your encouraging words. As of lately he has not been contacting me directly but indirectly. He is not on my facebook, but a mutual friend of ours has relayed some information back to me. Apparently he posted a very vulgar profane music video and captioned it as this "To the bitch who decided to ruin my life" I listened to the song & was in utter disbelief. It's very disrespectful. But there is nothing to be done about that. Magistrate keeps encouraging me to run, move states find a safe house. I just want to feel safe in my own house. I am never alone, I have my mother, step father, grandmother and 3 siblings all living in this house. I honestly don't think he has the guts to attempt something with one of them around. At least I'm hoping. I will never take him back, I will never justify his actions with my feelings. As time has progressed my feelings have diminished. When you're young and naive you believes it's love. Just because you are IN love with the idea of loving someone. I'm a lot wiser than most 19 year old women my age. I do have my moments though. I've had a friend offer to let me move back to Florida with her, she is also expecting, but I don't think I could strip myself from my family again. I have court August 3rd for this restraining order. I'm going to tell them how truly scared I am. Hopefully they keep it enforced. That's all I can pray for and that they grant the restraining order against his family as well. So I quit getting threatening phone calls and text messages from his mother.

The childish games are growing quite old. I do not have the patience for them or anyone else for that matter. This whole situation has turned me into a bitter angry woman. I'm trying for the sake of this child to be happy again, it's just difficult with all the stresses coming this way.

Lyn - posted on 07/30/2012

6

22

0

MOVE AWAY. CHANGE YOUR PHONE. Get as far away from these people as you possibly can. Don't make excuses. Don't say "oh but I love him". These people mean to harm you and your child. GET OUT NOW.

Alecia - posted on 07/30/2012

644

21

45

happy to read a story about a woman getting out and sticking it to the asshole like he deserves. you are a strong woman with many prayers being sent your way. good luck with everything, mama and congrats on your bundle to be!

Ronda - posted on 07/29/2012

171

66

0

You are regretting ONLY because you have the guilt that comes with being ABUSED!!! It is a ghost guilt, and very confusing! Trust me though, your better off far away from him. As the child your carrying grows you will feel protective towards him/her. Let that feeling of protectiveness guide you. Do you want to be in a position to have to protect your little one from him in the future? I hope not. Leave, don't look back.

Amber - posted on 07/29/2012

3

0

0

Find your power! You are a mama bear now and that comes with great power. He is feeding off your fear. If you stop fearing him you will have the upper hand. Go to court and call and report everything. Record the conversations and save text messages. Keep us posted and stay powerful. You will prevail, you have a beautiful baby coming. Save all threats against the baby too. That will keep you in the power seat in court if he tries for custody.

Amber - posted on 07/29/2012

3

0

0

Find your power! You are a mama bear now and that comes with great power. He is feeding off your fear. If you stop fearing him you will have the upper hand. Go to court and call and report everything. Record the conversations and save text messages. Keep us posted and stay powerful. You will prevail, you have a beautiful baby coming. Save all threats against the baby too. That will keep you in the power seat in court if he tries for custody.

Carissa - posted on 07/29/2012

15

4

0

honestly I would tell him I miscarried and break up with him and get out of that town!

Esme' - posted on 07/29/2012

2

0

0

You have a duty to that sweet little baby you are carring to get the hell away from that SOB if he can hurt you now think of what he can do to that poor child keep the baby safe and most of all do not let that child grow up with out its mother get as far away as posible for your sake and the babys I know its hard iv been throug similar once with an ex boyfriend and the best is to get him out of your life the baby will understand one day please be safe you bouth will be my and my baby girls prayers at night.

Patricia - posted on 07/28/2012

769

4

6

you did the right thing and make sure you let the police know about the threats from his mum as well and get an attorney real quick one who will help you our solicitor was great until the day and then turned on us but we won regardless because we did not let them push us around

Liz - posted on 07/28/2012

3

0

0

I have read everything you have posted and I agree with the advice. I'm especially concerned that you do not have an attorney helping you. It sounds like he has an attorney on his side. It definitely sounds like you are being really smart documenting everything, however, attorneys have a lot of additional knowledge and know-how that could really be helping you and your child. Just something to really think about. I actually had to sue my ex mother in law for being fraudulent. She had money and thought she could use it to bully me too, and though I was the victim and I did nothing wrong, it was only because I got legal representation that I ended up winning my case (and her having to pay punitive damages). Good luck and keep reminding yourself about the cute, innocent baby you are protecting from this crazy, violent man!!!

[deleted account]

The restraining order is the first step. Don't let them get you down if you can feel safe at your mom's house that is great.. He doesn't have to be a part of the childs life to me it seems the child would be better off with you... He needs some help....Talk to your local police and let them know what is going on, also check on a safe house in your area just in case....Good luck

Jody - posted on 07/28/2012

1

0

0

If you haven't done so already, GET A LAWYER!!! At the very least, he/she can guide you through the process, keep copies of the harrassing texts/calls, etc. You need someone who can help you navigate these unfortunate circumstances. Also, contact a women's shelter. I read that someone else suggested that earlier. They, too, can help you navigate the waters.

Know you are being prayed for. You are very strong to have endured so much already. Surround yourself with strong, compassionate, loving people -- through church, mom's groups, whatever is available. I think it would be really helpful for you to develop a strong support group of friends who you can see and talk to in person. God bless you and your baby!

Heather - posted on 07/28/2012

17

0

1

What a mess you are having to deal with! So sorry to hear! It sounds like you are doing the right things, but try to do anything you can to get stress out of your life. As your pregnancy progresses, it will be more stressful on your body, and your baby needs you to have as little stress in your life as possible for his or her health. Please take care! Praying for your situation!

Chaya - posted on 07/28/2012

737

0

229

Additionally take pictures of any bruises, including the hemotoma, and get documentation from dr when you need to go to court. Print pictures out and explain the injury on the back. When this baby is born, file for sole custody, with that evidenc, you won't have a problem getting it

Chaya - posted on 07/28/2012

737

0

229

Run, do not walk, away from this guy, his mother, and anyone else that he is involved with. If he gets drunk and abusive to you, he'll get drunk and abusive to the baby. Get out of state if that's what it takes to protect yourself.
No, you did not do the wrong thing, you need to protect yourself and your baby, and good for you for refusing to abort.
As for your leg, I suggest that you elevate your legs, as you should do when you're expecting anyways. I'm no doctor, but that's good general advice

Sarah - posted on 07/28/2012

1

0

0

Audrey,

You always have the option for adoption. Your baby would grow up in a loving family and you could continue your education without the stress of caring for your child. I was adopted and LOVE my birth mom for giving me to a wonderful family. I wish you the best!!!!

Michelle - posted on 07/27/2012

169

29

8

I hope your in a safe place Audrey and I hope your not communicating with him. My Husband's Daughter went through the same thing you are and we made everything safe for her and she had the chance to get away but she went back to the bashing and continue fighting and her poor kids being chucked around the room (it breaks our heart). Start a Diary document everything even things from the past with times and dates and don't beleive his sweet talk if there's any as alot of ladies have said men who do this stuff don't change, they only get worse. Unfortunately we are left waiting for the phone call that will tell us Husband's Daughter is dead please don't be one of those women.

Savannah - posted on 07/27/2012

18

17

0

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! A baby is a blessing, and I stand by that. This is a human being from start to finish, and you're a very brave woman for standing up for what you believe; no matter what the jerk wants you to do.
I also believe that any man that THINKS violent thoughts, will eventually act on them. Maybe not today, and maybe not soon - but somewhere down the line, he will lash out. Men like this are only concerned about themselves.

For the protection of your child, it is best that you keep him away. If there were text messages sent, LOG THEM...
You want all evidence on hand if you have to take this loser to court. You need to have some standing proof that he is an unfit father figure, and CANNOT raise a baby he never wanted. You are the baby's rightful parent. Don't let anyone take that from you. ^_^

I have faith that you will do the right thing. The road is going to be tough, and it may not get better for some time. The tiny person you are carrying depends on you to make the right decisions for them. It's unfair to them to have to live in a hostile environment.

Audrey - posted on 07/27/2012

15

0

0

GUESS WHAT GIRLY'S! HE ALREADY BROKE THE DAMN RESTRAINING ORDER. I HAVE IT ON VOICEMAIL.

Audrey - posted on 07/27/2012

15

0

0

Oh don't worry they have been de-friended. They will not be back in my life or this childs life as long as I have a say so over it.

Michelle - posted on 07/27/2012

169

29

8

Being home with your mom is a smart move because if they do anything you have a witness. But delete all their phone numbers even any friends you had while you were with this idiot. Break the cycle of abuse and get some abuse councilling so you don't attract the same sort of person again. Make sure you have someone with you at all times to prevent anything bad happening to you. establish a strong support base of people that you trust and never go anywhere with these people by yourself. Good luck

Susan - posted on 07/27/2012

78

20

0

I encourage you to de-friend him, and any member of his family, on FB, if you haven't yet done so. Copy and paste his comments, print them out, and give them to your lawyer.

TIffany - posted on 07/27/2012

6

20

0

Keep that R.O. and have no further contact with this idiot. He is violent and dangerous. Do not list him as the father and certainly don't give the baby his name, no matter how he begs when he changes his mind. He doesn't deserve you or the baby. Stay strong and raise that baby with all the love you have. Sending up a prayer for you!!

Angela - posted on 07/27/2012

7

1

0

Stick to the restraining order. And file for immediate full custody of the child. When the baby is born don't put him on the birth certificate. This will mean his family nor him, will have any legal rights to your baby if they chose to snap out of it at all. Focus on you and your baby. It's not the right situation to be bringing up a child in any means, but you can make it. You sound smart and strong and you should be able to make this work. :)
Good luck.

Angela - posted on 07/27/2012

7

1

0

Stick to the restraining order. And file for immediate full custody of the child. When the baby is born don't put him on the birth certificate. This will mean his family nor him, will have any legal rights to your baby if they chose to snap out of it at all. Focus on you and your baby. It's not the right situation to be bringing up a child in any means, but you can make it. You sound smart and strong and you should be able to make this work. :)
Good luck.

Audrey - posted on 07/27/2012

15

0

0

You all have helped me so entirely much! For awhile there I was regretting my decision, but after seeing how many people are there being supportive it really pushed me in the right direction.

Today I went to the county in which he resides and checked his entire back round. The things I found out today are beyond baffling to me. Whomever said money can't solve things was completely wrong! His assault charge from last March was expunged due to him not having any priors. First offenders program. So I decided to contact the man he assaulted and asked for a notarized statement proving he did indeed assault this young man. I also learned he has a breaking and entering charger, damage to personal property, 2 cyber-stalking counts, a DUI and other traffic violations. I was in Aw. I've never had to pay almost $20 to get someones back round check, usually 3 to 5 dollars due to traffic violations.

I also learned that his Lawyer is a smug con-artist who hustles people and does and says whatever it is he has to do to win his case. His lawyer was recently arrested for committing some sort of crime in the area. It's starting to really worry me. So far I've got his back round, I have texts claiming he wants to die, I have 28 missed calls in a 30 minute time span one day, and countless other days. I have a very vulgar profane threatening phone call between him, myself and my mother saved on her phone. I have FB posts that state "I guess the next thing you'll do is go on jerry springer looking for your babys daddy.." "EVERYONE knows every word that comes out of your mouth is a life!!" "I'm sure you ll never find out who the father of your child.EVERYONE knows it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what. and you know It!!!" "everyone thats knows you know that is all the truth. Talk your way out of that for a change. FYI ... NO ONE LIKES YOU!!!!" Word for word. I know it's not much but it's still harassment. I have texts where is mother is calling me trash, slandering my name. I wish I had recorded the conversation where she said she was going to press fraudulant charges against me. I REALLY wish, I had! I also have TWO smashed broken phones that he broke. There is a police report in two different counties that I am going to obtain and prove that he has a violent past.

My ex best friend has now sided with him because despite my belief everyone else says they have been hooking up and now I'm starting to believe it. He has supplied alcohol and weed to a 19 year old girl. Well two. So I have a mutual friends of all of ours typing up a letter saying she is an unreliable source and she is biased. That he has supplied her with illegal substances and that she will do and say whatever it is that he wants. This mutual friend is an Officer in the Army. Which the courts look highly upon. I'm starting to think I've got this whole situation under control. I have no doubt in my mind that this restraining order case will go through. I have no doubt that I will have primary custody come Feb. I will demand that if he gets ANY rights they be supervised visits. I do not want his psychotic mother around my child, heck I don't even want him around my child. I have another friend who is in the Army that is willing to claim the child is his and for me to put him on the birth certificate so he will stay away. I don't know if I could do that, but I know I will NOT be putting the actual father on there.

I appreciate y'all listening to me rant and rave. For those of you that have been following this. Please feel free to add me. I'll keep you all updated on here or other posts with the process. Thanks again! You have all lifted my spirits and made me realize I've done the right thing.

Susan - posted on 07/27/2012

78

20

0

I just wanted to add to all the good advice that you have received here, I wish you and your baby luck in whatever you do, wherever you go. You did the right thing filing for a restraining order.

Maria - posted on 07/27/2012

7

0

0

Audrey,
No one should have to go through what you are going through. You did the right thing filing for the restraining order. Others have said it, but DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You will need this evidence to go to court to protect yourself and your child now and in the future. You must protect yourself and protect your child. Once the baby is here, you should move to have the "father's" parental rights terminated based on the history of violence and abuse you have documented. I wish you the best of luck and send (((HUGS))). It won't be an easy road, but you are doing the right thing.

Sally - posted on 07/27/2012

963

14

9

Get a retraining order against the lot of them. Get caller ID and if any of them call you, let the answering machine get it and pass any abusive messages on to the police.
I would also add, get a concealed carry permit and keep your gun with you at all times. DO NOT HESITATE to use it if any of them come at you. Even with the restraining order, the police can't do anything until they get there and they can't even start until you call them. Sadly, that might be too late for you and your baby.
Good luck

Kellie - posted on 07/27/2012

13

13

0

Is there a domestic violence shelter in or near you community? If so, call them NOW and get out of your mom's house and into a safe house! We helped a young lady do this very thing when her boyfriend, who she had two children with, threatened her life and the kid's life. It has been almost 8 years now and she is in another state and living her life in safety.

If you don't do it for yourself, Audrey, do it for you child. Do you really want these people as 'family'?

Elizabeth - posted on 07/27/2012

178

8

0

You need to do what is needed for your safety and the safety of the baby. Screw who doesn't like it! Continue with the paper trail with the police. And the next time the police are called PRESS CHARGES!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms